Knocking on Helen’s Door by Eve Langlais

10

The minutesafter Julio left were the most terrifying of Helen’s life. She’d not realized how safe she’d felt in his presence. How inconspicuous under the cover of his cloak.

With him gone, the Earthly plane crashed all her senses. She could barely handle all the color smeared everywhere. For an angel used to the muted pastels of heaven, the brightness and disharmony proved jarring. An overload to her senses rendered worse by the noise. Loud machines rumbled along on wheels. Everything hummed with electricity. The noise was almost enough to make her slap her hands over her ears, only she realized no one else was reacting. No one cared.

The people in the streets walked along as if those flashing bright signs weren’t stabbing their eyes. Or the cars going by weren’t belching smoke. They ignored those things but kept turning to eye her.

She glanced down at her voluminous night robe and her slippers. She needed to blend in. And quickly.

However, everywhere she turned, she was struck with the alien-ness of everything. Where should she go? Why hadn’t she accepted Julio’s offer of help? Because that would be like accepting the devil’s aid, and she knew that was a sin. She couldn’t exactly claim innocence if she did the dark lord’s bidding.

Scared and unsure of what to do next, Helen began to walk aimlessly, hugging herself as she left the busy streets for quieter ones with deep pockets of shadow. A few cars drove by, their bright lights blinding in the dark.

One slowed, and a window rolled down. “Hey, honey, you look lost. You want a ride?”

The idea of not walking filled Helen with intense relief. Her feet hurt. How kind of the man to offer.

Helen reached for the car door, only to have someone insert herself, literally pushing Helen out of the way. A very feminine voice purred, “Not tonight, sugar. She’s not ready.”

Before Helen could ask, “Not ready for what?”, the man snapped, “Mind your business, cunt. If the chick wants to make twenty bucks sucking my dick, then—”

The woman suddenly shoved her head through the open car window and said very softly but firmly, “I said no. And no means no, fuckwad. Now go because if I see you again, I will separate you from the two-inch joke in your pants.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The car tires screamed something awful as he drove away, and the woman turned around.

She was pretty with blonde hair tied back and wearing an outfit of pink that included loose pants, a tucked-in blouse, and a fluffy jacket. She offered a smile to Helen. “Sorry about that. Some people are just so rude. I’m Bambi.” She held out a hand.

Eyeing it, Helen wondered what to do with it and replied, “I’m Helen.”

“Nice to meet you, Helen, and in the nick of time apparently. Good thing I found you. My Father wasn’t kidding when he said you needed a crash course on living on Earth.”

“Your Father?” Her eyes widened as she clued in. “You’re Lucifer’s daughter!”

“Yes, I am. The less famous one. The one you’ve probably heard of is Muriel, my younger sister.”

“Your sister is the world’s biggest whore?” Which she understood was someone who indulged in much fornication outside of marriage.

Bambi’s lips quirked. “Actually, that’s me. Multiverse winner many years in a row.”

“Isn’t being a whore a bad thing?”

The beautiful woman flipped her hair. “Not everyone is repressed about their sexuality. Do you even know what sex is, little cherub?”

“I’m not a cherub.” That was a name used for babies.

“You’re innocent like one. But don’t worry, we’ll fix that.”

“How?”

“By teaching you what you need to know to survive in this world.”

“Can I survive?” She’d begun to wonder.

“Anyone can. It’s just a matter of learning and preparing.”

“I don’t know if I have enough time. The devil claims there is a warrant for my arrest.” How could anyone believe those lies!

“And? So what if there’s a price on your head. I’ve got a few. As does my sister, her four husbands, even my sweet little niece.”

That sounded like a few too many husbands. “Why do people want to kill you? How have you sinned?” Helen asked.

“I’m a whore, remember? My sister is, too, and a polygamist. Which personally, to me, is more like a lucky girl. I used to think I’d be the one to settle down with a football team, and yet there is only one man who makes my heart beat faster.”

“That’s a good thing?” Helen asked, because a quickening heart could mean a health issue. While rare, angels did still have some mishaps.

“Love should make your heart pitter patter, your panties wet, and make you feel as if you’re dying every minute you spend apart.”

“That doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“Don’t knock it until you try it.”

“I am not sinning.”

“You say that now, but…” Bambi winked. “Just you wait. Once you meet the one, it’s all over.”

For some reason she thought of Julio and his dark gaze.

“You look like you could use a drink. What do you say we go back to my place?”

Go somewhere with the devil’s progeny? Helen wanted to say no; however, here was someone who could give her answers. Could it be as simple as asking? “Do you know how angel babies are made?”

Bambi coughed. “Yeah, but let’s not discuss that on the street.” Bambi swirled her hand, and a dark space cut the air in front of them. “Shortcut to my condo. Follow me.”

Helen only hesitated a second. She didn’t really want to be alone.

She exited the strange portal to find herself in front of a door in a hall lit by wall sconces.

“Welcome to my home.” Bambi opened the portal.

Upon entering, Helen noticed it was probably a thousand times the size of her room in Heaven and luxurious to the point it surely constituted a sin. Carpet underfoot, plush and squishy. Furniture that had cushions to cradle the body.

“What is that?” she asked, pointing to the long fabric-covered thing that reminded her of a partially enclosed bed.

“A couch. It’s for sitting.”

“Really?”

“Try it.”

Helen sank onto it and sighed. “This is very comfortable.” Surely this kind of luxury was against the rules.

“You’ve never sat on a couch?”

Helen shook her head and ran her hand over the cushions. “I’ve only ever seen a fabric-covered chair in the Archnanny’s office.” But that was for Rafaella, not the nannies. Usually when called in front of the Archnanny, it was for rebuke and they weren’t offered comfort.

“If you think that’s fancy, wait until you see your bedroom.”

“You have more than one room in your home?” This large space had more space?

“Yes. Four bedrooms and a few bathrooms as well so we don’t have to share.”

“What’s a bathroom?” While she did have some basic knowledge, like the fact humans used cars instead of horse-drawn carriages, she didn’t know how they lived.

“Oh boy, this is going to be interesting. Because now that you’re here on Earth, things will be different for you.”

“It’s not what I expected at all. It’s nothing like Heaven.”

“What is Heaven like?” Bambi asked.

“It’s the most perfect place.”

“Why?”

What an odd question. “Everyone knows it is.”

“And again, why? What makes it so desirable?” Bambi insisted, and Helen struggled to remember what she’d learned in class.

“It’s not Hell for one. It’s always sunny. Never rains. Never snows. Never gets too cold or hot. Everyone has a place to live. A job to do. We always have a meal that is balanced to our needs. Prayer. And the love of our Father, who art our shepherd in Heaven.”

“Sounds more like you’re mindless peons for the dictator known as Elyon.”

Helen’s jaw dropped. “What? That’s not what I said.”

“Then maybe you should examine your words. Do you get to do what you want? Did you have a say in your job? Your life?”

“We are assigned our role. Everyone does their part. As our Father—who is wise in Heaven—says, ‘we are all in this together.’”

Bambi snorted. “Fuck me, I wondered where that expression came from. Should have known. And no, you angels are not all in it together. You’re chattel.”

“You work for your Father,” Helen pointed out.

“I do, but I can also tell him to go screw a hairy hog if I don’t want to do something. I run the risk of being smote, but dear Daddy doesn’t like it when we’re obedient all the time.”

“Obedience is next to our Father, who is the most hallowed of his name.”

Bambi blinked. “What the fuck? Do you say something dumb like that every time you say Father?”

“It’s not dumb,” Helen defended. “We honor him.”

“Really?” Bambi’s expression turned sly. “Rumor has it he’s being held prisoner by Charlie. How’s that being honorable?”

“Our Father, who is on a sabbatical, is recovering.”

“From launching a war that he lost before it even started.”

“Was there really a battle?” In the nursery, items of news were few and far between. No corrupting the nannies after all.

“More like Elyon crashed my niece’s birthday party and a bunch of cake and fists were tossed. Muriel had a tantrum because they ruined Lucinda’s day, my daddy, who is rancid after eating spicy foods, had to be restrained, especially after your Father, who is an idiot in Heaven, talked smack about Gaia.”

“Who is Gaia?”

“Mother Earth.”

“Earth is her child?” That made no sense.

“I see we’ll need to start from the beginning.”

“Do you mean when my Father, may he forever be blessed, created the world?”

“It starts before that actually, with a big bang.”

And Helen got a second version of creation, a story so incredible she wouldn’t believe it.

Couldn’t.

Because if she did, then it meant Heaven, and all its rules, was a lie.