Hellbent Hero by Naomi Porter

6

Tara

“I PROMISED MYSELF I would never fall in love again.”

Why would he tell me that?

I pressed my forehead into my steering wheel, gripping it between my hands.

Probably because he was a fucking biker who wanted to have no-strings-attached sex with all the kittens and me.

When I’d asked if it was all fake, he was so quick to say yes.

Unbelievable.

Well, Hero Fuentes could take a flying, fucking leap into the Grand fucking Canyon. I was a possessive bitch—a one-man woman. Never good at sharing. Not my candy or clothes, and definitely not my man. No judgment toward those who had multiple partners, like Libby, but it wasn’t for me.

I hit my head, trying to refocus my emotions. I wasn’t heartbroken. I didn’t feel crushed by the hot biker. Nope, not me.

You lying bitch. Stop it. You’ll just make it worse. What did Dr. Kelly always say? She told you “to heal, you must first acknowledge your feelings.”

“Do it, Tara. Own your feelings. Don’t shut down,” I told myself.

I hit my head again, inhaling a deep breath as I started my car. Lady A’s voice flowed through the speakers, singing, “Need You Now.” How appropriate. The song I’d played ad nauseam after Hero didn’t return from the run. Was it now my theme song?

For fuck’s sake. I let a frustrated growl rip from my lungs and hit my hand against my thigh several times.

I didn’t change the song, because I was a glutton for punishment.

Hero made me feel worthless. I’d thought he was a good guy despite his bad-boy exterior. When he’d rescued me from the enforcer and talked to me when I was gagged for mouthing off, he’d comforted and soothed me. That wasn’t something a bad-boy did.

But I’d been a fool for thinking I’d met my Knight in shining armor. Hero was an asshole, after all, of epic proportions. He probably got off on knocking me down a dozen pegs.

Well, he could go to hell.

I blinked back traitorous tears as they brimmed at the corners of my eyes, while I pulled out of the parking lot.

Winters Township was alive with activity. Nothing unusual there. There was no school because of a teacher in-service day. I’d gone in early for some meetings, did what was needed, then chatted with Maddy.

She’d invited me to lunch at the clubhouse, which I declined. I needed to see Hero and hear straight from his lips that he didn’t want me.

Well, I’d gotten what I sought… Stupid bitch.

Hating the self-loathing poison flowing through my veins, I forced my attention on the colorful trees lining the streets. I couldn’t go down that dangerous road of beating myself up. If I succumbed to it, I might not be able to dig myself out.

I focused on happy thoughts: apple spice candles, warm fuzzy blankets, hot cider, pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, not a flicker of happiness appeared.

I stopped at the intersection, eying the sign for the Humane Society. I turned right instead of going straight home. What prompted me to park in front of the building, I wasn’t sure.

The sound of a motorcycle caught my attention. I peered in my rearview mirror as Copper came in behind my car. I’d been so lost in my sad, pathetic world, I’d forgotten he was following me. Uh oh—not a good sign. If I could tune him out while lost in my head, I could spiral out of control.

I watched him get off his bike in my side-view mirror. Copper strutted to my side and rapped on the window with his knuckles. I killed the engine, grabbed my purse, and opened the door.

“What’s up?” He cut his eyes toward the building. “Visiting another friend?”

“Don’t be a dick,” I hip-bumped my door closed. “I’m in the market for…” something to distract me before I unravel... “a new pet.”

“I didn’t take you for an animal person.” He scratched the back of his head, clearly not buying the bullshit I was selling.

“Goes to show you don’t know me at all. I love animals.” In pictures mostly, or when they belonged to someone else. Honestly, I struggled to keep plants alive. An animal would be a challenge. Just what I needed. Something to occupy my time and attention, so I didn’t dwell on my pitiful life or miss the one man I’d never have.

Copper flashed an adorable grin. “Okay babe, if you say so.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“Yeah, I believe you. Let’s go get you a new pet.” He threw his arm over my shoulders and guided me to the entrance. “Whatcha in the market for? Something with feathers, scales, or fur? Maybe something that swims. Fish don’t require much.”

“Are you always like this?”

“Like what?”

“Chatty.”

He snorted, getting the door. “Yeah, just call me Chatty Cathy.”

I rolled my eyes, entering the building. “You’re weird.”

Copper didn’t bother me. In fact, I kinda liked him. He wasn’t awful to look at either. Best of all, he kept my mind off less enjoyable topics, like hurting myself and that asshole Hero.

Half an hour later, I was the proud momma of an adorable gray and white kitten. “I’m gonna call you Luna.” I scratched behind her ear as we left.

Copper suggested I get her since I worked all day. He said cats were independent and not as needy as dogs. Made sense to me, considering I wasn’t sure what lured me into the animal shelter. Maddy would say the Holy Spirit led me inside, while my dad would say it was a mystical power. I wasn’t sure what I believed. I should probably figure that out.

“Congratulations, Momma.” He opened my driver’s side door. “You’ll need food and supplies for her. Wanna head over to Walmart?”

“Can I take Luna into the store with me?” I gazed at my little girl tucked into my jacket. Her quiet meows were precious and melted my heart. Already, I felt calmer than I had in weeks.

“Don’t think so. I can stay with her while you run in and get what you need.” Copper scratched the top of the kitten’s head. It was so sweet I could hardly stand it. He wasn’t like the other guys in the club, rough with sharp edges. I hoped he would never become like them.

“Perfect. Let’s go.” I dropped into my seat, smiling like a fool. I might be all right now. Maybe, Luna would keep me from plunging off the cliff…

I spent way too much money in Walmart, but it was fun. Copper and I played with my baby girl all afternoon. We talked about movies and music, the brutal winters in Minnesnowta, and how many times we got stuck in a ditch because of the icy roads.

I held my stomach giggling. “You couldn’t find her… hole?” I screamed with laughter. I shouldn’t but it was too damn funny not to. And dammit, I needed this.

“You’re cruel.” His face matched the color of his ginger hair.

“I’m sorry, I am cruel.” I covered my mouth, tears dripping down my cheeks.

“I was sixteen. It was my first time for fuck’s sake.” He glared at me, green eyes darkening. “You mean to tell me you didn’t fumble around the first time you had sex?”

I instantly stopped laughing as the day I lost my virginity came crashing back. “I don’t remember.” Liar. No girl forgets her first time. I wondered how many wished they could forget it. I exhaled a sobering breath. “I shouldn’t have teased you. It was an asshole thing to do.”

Copper appeared taken aback. “You don’t remember your first sexual experience?”

“Nope. It was a long time ago. I’m sure there was some fumbling.” I would burn in hell for all the lying I’d done throughout my life. There wasn’t any fumbling. Not with an experienced man of twenty-four. Yes, a man. My dad’s dealer. Sex with me was payment for daddy’s next fix. It wasn’t a violent experience. I’d been crushing on Keith. Liked how he’d touch my red hair. He’d given me something to calm my nerves. He made it good for me. But could sex really be good for a twelve year old?

“How long ago? Because girl, I don’t believe you forgot.”

Copper’s question jerked me back to the present. “We shouldn’t be talking about this. Hero wouldn’t like it.” Yeah, right. He wouldn’t care. I only threw the bastard’s name out there just to get this convo to end.

“Damn, you’re right.” He returned his attention to Luna.

Suddenly I felt hungry. Food hadn’t been at the top of my to-do list the last few weeks. Tequila and vodka? Absolutely. Maybe popcorn to go with it. It was a great way to lose ten pounds if I’d need to drop some weight.

Too bad I didn’t need that. Now, I looked sickly underneath my clothes. I’d been sporting bulky sweaters and sweatshirts so no one would notice. Thank God, the dress I’d worn for Madeline and Storm’s wedding was long sleeved and floor-length. She would lose her mind if she knew the mental state I was in and hadn’t been eating—all the more reason to get control of myself.

I smiled at Copper lying on my living room floor with Luna crawling on his chest. “Hey, do you want to order a pizza?”

Confusion skirted across his face. “Uh… I should probably get outside.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m supposed to be guarding you.”

I rolled my eyes. “And you are. Inside my house.”

He shook his head. “That’s not how it works.”

Not how it works?

Honestly, the way the prospects followed Storm’s orders drove me nuts. It was like they were under his spell or something. They were free men. Free to do whatever the hell they wanted.

“Bullshit. I don’t need a guard. So if you’re here, you can be inside my house. Plus, you need to eat.”

“I’ll eat when I get back to the club.” He moved Luna’s tail away from his nose. His thick eyebrow arched as he watched me.

“Or you can eat with me.” I flashed him my best endearing smile. “Please. It sucks eating alone.”

“Come back to the clubhouse. I liked having you there.”

“No.”

He raised up on his elbows. “You won’t be alone there.”

“I’m not alone here. I have you and Luna.”

“Madeline’s worried about you. She misses you. You can have your old room back.”

“For Christ’s sake, Copper! I don’t want to be there, okay? I’m not part of the club.” My heart raced, my stomach knotting up. He was making me think about Hero again, and I didn’t want to.

“You’re Madeline’s best friend. That makes you family.”

“Why would I want to be there, after—” I snapped my mouth shut before I embarrassed myself.

“After what? If this is about Hero, he—”

I raised my hand. “No. I don’t want to talk about him. Just… get out.” My hands shook at my sides. Shit, I was losing it. I needed Copper out of my house, stat. “Go straddle your hog. Go stand your post. Just go. I really don’t want you here at all. You’re fired!”

Copper bolted to his feet, holding Luna in one hand. “What the hell, Tara? You’re talking nonsense. And you can’t fire me.”

“Bullcrap.” I went to the door and opened it. “Get. Out,” I told him as calmly as possible regardless of my heart thudding viciously in my chest. It hadn’t been this bad in years. Since before I met Maddy.

“Storm calls the shots. He won’t agree.”

“I don’t give a fuck what Storm says. I didn’t ask for this. I’m not part of the club.”

“But you are!”

How could he say that? I wasn’t part of anything. Hero would eventually return to his club. Why the fuck would he want me there after cutting me loose?

I gritted my teeth, squeezing the door handle. “Please leave.”

Copper set Luna on the sofa. The torment in his eyes was palpable as he came to me. “Tara, I’m your friend. What’s happening? This isn’t like you.” He cautiously raised his hand and placed it against my cheek.

I didn’t rear my head back, desperate for some form of human touch. But I couldn’t rely on Copper or anyone else to rescue me from the runaway train I was on.

“That’s just it, Copper. If we were friends, you’d know this is me. I want you to leave.”

“Fuck. Let me help you. Is this about Hero?”

“I said get out,” I yelled in his face. Tears pooled in my eyes. Dammit, I was breaking. I shoved him in the chest, pushing him out the door. “Just leave me alone.”

He stared at me on the porch as if trying to read my mind, or maybe feel what I was feeling, but I wouldn’t wish this kind of fucked up pain on my worst enemy.

I slammed the door and bolted it. I closed the drapes in the front window so he couldn’t see into my house. Quickly, I checked the back door, making sure it was locked too.

Luna meowed on the sofa as if crying for Cooper to come back and for me to get it together.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. Momma is… I’m… I need to make it stop.” My tears fell. “I need to make the pain go away.”

She meowed more, jumping onto the floor.

I had to get away from her. She shouldn’t see me this way, but the little twirp followed me to the bathroom. I shut the door and bent at the waist, gulping in the air.

Breathe, just breathe. You don’t need to do this. You can get past this episode.

My words fell on deaf ears as I eyed the cabinet under the sink. The one holding a tampon box. But tampons weren’t in it. The hairs on my arms raised, goose flesh spreading over my body as I reached for the knob on the door. It’d been so long since I was in this mental state, but not so long that I couldn’t remember the stinging or sickening smell of tobacco. My hand recoiled.

Back when I was a child, any attention I’d received from my daddy made me happy. Even when he messed with my head telling me I was a burden, a pain in his ass. That I cramped his style and was in the way.

I was so young, I didn’t care what he’d said. Any attention made me feel loved.

I just want to be loved...

Stop, Tara.

Luna’s crying grew louder, raking across my heart.

I saw his face. Heard him telling me, “I promised myself I would never fall in love again.”

Hero would never love me. He didn’t want me. He only used me just as he did the club girls. Libby. Amber. Rhonda. Probably fucking Carla too.

How many more had he fucked before me?

After me?

I dropped to my knees on the linoleum floor as a sob ripped from my throat.

Just make it stop. Please make it stop.

My body shook as panic flooded my heart. I banged the back of my head on the wall, trying to force the chatter inside it to stop but it wasn’t enough to bring me away from the edge. I couldn’t hit it as hard as I wanted without making noise or damaging the wall. Copper was within earshot. If he knew, everyone would find out. I dug my nails into my thighs, but my jeans were in the way, dulling the suffering I sought. The excruciating pain in my heart overpowered my senses. It weakened me. I hated to feel out of control. It had to stop it or I’d shatter completely.

Stripping out of my pants and shirt, I clawed at my flesh, scratching up my outer thigh, then down. Pinching as hard as possible left me needing. Tears dripped down my face. It wasn’t enough. I had to have more. I had to. I had to feel this pain so that it could stop tormenting me.

None of it was enough.

I was only fucking with myself. My whacked-out head knew what it wanted. Knew what would make everything better. Just like all the other times. Hitting my head and scratching myself was child’s play, a futile attempt to avoid that dark place. To show I had truly changed.

Changed? Really Tara? Once an addict, always an addict.

I knew this. My medical file said as much.

NSSI. Those four letters summed up my plight. I performed the stupid rituals to find comfort in physical pain, so I didn’t feel emotions.

NSSI was an acronym for non-suicidal self-injury. My therapist had helped me admit why I hurt myself after years of enduring abuse when I was a kid. I’d gotten better. Graduated from college, had friends, and a solid career. I’d been living a good, stable, healthy life until Hero destroyed everything.

Biting my bottom lip, I opened the cabinet door and fished out the box of tampons I hid my stash in.

My heart rate increased as I removed the lighter and the cigarettes. I wasn’t a smoker—only a little pot occasionally. You’d think I was a druggy the way my hands shook, needing a fix.

Don’t do it. Once you start, you won’t stop. You don’t fucking need Hero.

But I did need him.

Worse yet, I loved him.

He rejected you, you stupid bitch. It’s his loss!

No, it was mine.

What was wrong with me? I wished I knew what made me so unlovable. Why everyone left me.

I dropped the lighter and box of cigarettes and slapped myself in the face over and over. How could I be so stupid? Daddy told me I was a waste of air. Told me nobody would ever love me. Told me I’d always be alone.

He was right.

Daddy left me after Mom’s death. Madeline left me for Dane, then Storm. Hero left me after months of chasing me. He’d acted like he cared about me when the Dirty Hunters captured us. He made love to me before going on the run. Told me to stay in his room as if he’d claimed me.

It had fucked me up big time when he didn’t return with Storm. And now…

“I promised myself I would never fall in love again.” His words ravaged my heart.

Jesus, he’d even called me, mi vida. I remembered from my Spanish class it meant my life. Why would he say that?

Because he was fucking with you. You’re not worth the air. Only worth the laugh for how much he made you think he loved you.

I grabbed the lighter, flicked it on, and watched the flame dance. It was mesmerizing how the slightest bit of air or movement in my hand made it wiggle and pull from one side to the other. Back and forth, I watched it, thoroughly entranced with the flame.

If only I could stop there. Watch the flame. Let it absorb the emotions.

But it wouldn’t work. My fucked up mind knew what it needed.

I took a cigarette out of the box and sniffed it. The hairs on my arms stood as a wave of nausea hit me. I shouldn’t do this. I knew I shouldn’t, but here I was about to revert into my old ways because I was so damn sad—over a man.

Pathetic. You’re just pathetic.

Not. Worth. The. Air.

Teasingly, I lowered the stick to my inner thighs. My muscles locked up, remembering the searing pain I was about to experience after years of doing so damn good. It’d taken me years of therapy before I forgave myself for following in my father’s demented footsteps. Now I was throwing it all away.

I should stop myself.

I wouldn’t, though. I was too far gone to care…

My heart raced, the anticipation building. Hell, I even felt my face flush. Those dang tiny hairs on my arms hadn’t gone down.

Just once.

Only one time was all I needed to get through tonight.

Liar, liar pants on....

Fire.

I lit the cigarette, smiling as the head turned a reddish-orange. It sizzled. Soon my skin would burn on the outside. Really, it was my insides that would char, so I felt numb.

My friends would be appalled if they knew how I harmed myself. Maddy would cry and try to get me help. She’d lose her mind if I told her I was beyond help.

Because sometimes my emotions took a right turn on Crazy Boulevard.

I blew out a long breath, getting back to it, and hummed, “Dancing with the Devil.” Demi Lovato’s haunting voice filled the cracks in my head. I knew her pain despite our differences. I had battled my own demons since my mother’s death. I called it death but in my heart, I knew the truth. She was murdered…

Fire.

I puffed on the end of the cancer stick, getting it just right as I hummed louder. When his stupidly handsome face appeared, I lowered the burning cig to my skin and hissed as I slowly singed my delicate flesh over and over.

I cried out and banged the back of my head on the wall. “Fuck! Fuck!” Tears streamed down my face as I panted. “Jesus… why?”

The choking scent of Marlboro’s and biting sensations overpowered Luna’s whiny meows. She no longer existed to me. My surroundings turned hazy as if I was doped up… flying high as a kite. The smoke and the stinging encased me, like a familiar cocoon from my childhood.

A childhood I wished was full of rainbows and unicorns. Hugs and kisses. Love and joy.

If only…

But not even close.

Wincing through the discomfort, I clenched my teeth as I hummed. I didn’t hold the cigarette in place long. That was my trick to avoid permanent damage. Dad had caused a few scars scattered around my body before mastering the perfect duration of time and pressure when performing this act.

My therapist called my self-harming “coping tactics.” I did it as a distraction—something to take my mind off my bleeding heart. Not because I wanted to mar my body with burn marks. As sick as it might sound, it was the physical pain I welcomed. I needed it to suppress my over-the-top emotions. To stop them from spreading through my body like acid consuming my flesh.

Humming louder, I closed my eyes to focus on the inflamed spots. They would be raw and tender for a while. The healing process used to take a couple of weeks.

A relieved sigh eddied out of my mouth. I raised the cigarette to my lips and puffed a little for one more hit. I coughed, almost choking. Amateur. This next one went on my stomach.

I lowered the nasty stick and held it against my skin. “Fuck,” I whimpered. It hurt like a bitch, but the severe discomfort never stopped me from hurting myself.

When I was little, I’d stay quiet and out of the way to make Daddy happy. But when he was drunk off his ass and shooting up, angry at the world, I became a martyr. I’d do anything to protect my mom from his wrath. Even suffer through his sick fascination with burning me.

I always knew I’d be in for it when he had his favorite Elton John record playing. He’d lay me out on the coffee table and talk gibberish as he marked me like I was a piece of canvas and he was the next Picasso. After he’d finished creating his masterpiece, he’d kiss my head and send me away.

I rested against the wall, breathing in and out peacefully.

Silence surrounded me. All was now still in my universe.

My demons were satisfied… for a spell anyway. I floated through the smokey air, humming Demi’s song. I hated Daddy for making me like this. For destroying my innocence. For taking out his frustrations on me. For peppering my skin with marks for his sick pleasure. His form of playing. It was demented, wrong, and painful. Cruel. If the authorities had found out, I might’ve been saved from the mental scarring left behind.

If only they would have known.

But as much as I despised my father, I missed him. I wasn’t alone back then. I was now.

How messed up was that?