Push by Sadie Rose

 

Roman stood there staring at me, taking a deep breath and releasing it. He finally spoke, “Olivia, I know you sold the trip for money.”

His words hung in the air. The panic shot down my spine, every nerve on alert as I realized he knew, somehow. How I didn’t know, but he knew the trip was gone.

I started to open my mouth, I wanted to tell him the most vulnerable parts of me, my mother, her illness—everything. I wanted to tell him I gave it all up for my mother, for the only family I’ve ever known. He would understand, he was understanding, he was kind and loving. Before I could speak, before I could even begin to form the words that were right there waiting, he stopped me, holding up his hands.

“I know you’ve been spending an awful lot of time with Miller. Is that a coincidence too? Olivia, answer me this..” his voice was raw with emotion. “Was it about the money?” He raised his eyes to mine, his face blank, trying to put up a wall, but his eyes betrayed him.

I stood there, gapping, trying to decipher what it was he was really asking of me. “What do you mean about the money? I don’t know what you know or how you know but yes, I sold the vacation. I needed the money. I can explain. I can explain about Miller too. The person who you assigned to drive me around and watch my every move.”

“Goddamn it! It’s always about the fucking money. I thought you were different. I thought this was real.” He was angry, running his hands through his hair, he looked as though he would be sick.

“Roman, please let me explain. It’s not what you think,” I was pleading, rushing to try and get the words out, to make him understand.

“Olivia… I’m not interested in anything else you have to say to me. You made me fall in love with you and your lies. I shared my real self with you. All you were doing was falling in love with my money.” His words ricocheted through my head. He was in love with me. Roman was in love with me. He thought I was using him for money, that I just wanted his money, like everyone else.

“Roman, listen to me, please! My mother…”

“STOP! Get out! I don’t want to hear this bullshit. I want you to leave,” he yelled, stalking past me and grabbing my purse, shoving it into my chest. I barely registered clutching it, barely understood what was happening to me, what he was doing. I had never seen him this upset, the anger radiating from his body. He was dismissing me not only physically from his home but from his heart too.

I was shaking, I could feel the onset of a panic attack as my feet took me across the room towards the door he was holding open, his knuckles white as he clutched the handle. He wasn’t looking at me though, but rather at Madison’s car. I was ruined. I had known this all along but at that moment I was completely, utterly, ruined by him.

“I’ll go Roman but know this; You don’t know shit about what you’re talking about. My mother is sick. She has fucking cancer. Everything I have is maxed out because I paid for all of her treatments. I’ve got debt, student loans, and more bills to pay than I could ever imagine. You gave me that trip and I wanted nothing more than to go on it and with you!” I was shouting, only just realizing my pain was also laced with anger.

“I had to sell it because my mom needed another round of chemo and I tried everything I could to get the money and I couldn’t find another way. I tried to beg and borrow and I couldn’t find a way. Then I knew what I had to do. I found someone who would buy the trip, remember Ray’s friend that stopped by the apartment? He paid enough to cover the next round. I did what I had to do… for my mother and for me to stay sane. To keep her alive. I love my mom. My mom, Madison and you are the only people I have.”

I let out a derisive laugh. “I love you. I thought you would understand.”

He finally turned to look at me, his pain visible but still silent.

“I was going to tell you all about this over the weekend but you obviously found out before I could get here,” I shrugged, not trusting myself to say anything more. My eyes were burning but I refused to cry. There was no way I would cry in front of him.

“Ollie, look at me,” his voice was soft now.

I wouldn’t look at him. My anger was waning and I couldn’t hold the tears back, feeling them hot on my face. “For you to think so little of me that I was with you for the money. You don’t know me. Someone who knows me knows that I don’t give a shit about material things for me. I only care about the people in my life. All this fancy stuff that I have—the designer shoes—even this bag,” I waved the purse in his face, “It’s all Madison’s that I borrow. It was never about your money.”

I started to walk past him to get outside. He placed his hand on my forearm, and I shoved it away. He dropped his arm, helpless. “Ollie, please.”

I could hear his pleading, could hear the sincerity in his voice but I wasn’t going back into the house. He thought I was a gold digger, that I was petty. He didn’t even acknowledge that I loved him.

I shook my head, “I’ve talked enough and I’ve heard enough. I’m leaving.”

“Ollie, please. Please. I didn’t mean what I said. I was angry. Please!”

I walked down the steps and made my way to the car. I could hear Roman behind me begging and pleading for me to stay, to come back inside. To hear his side of the story. To talk. To hear his apology.

I walked the short distance to the car and as much as I wanted to look back and see his face one last time—I wouldn’t look back. I kept my eyes forward, opened the car door, got inside, and drove off.

Some things can never be unsaid. Words can break you. Roman’s words broke me.

I was done.

I will not be broken by him.