Saving Little Jenna by Ruth Kennedy

Chapter 14: Jenna

Despite all the hugs and smiles going around the room, only time would tell if Kristen could really change. As Michael and I built a tower block, I was looking forward to the sleepover just to see Kristen's true intentions. She could reveal her true colors once again when the Daddies weren't around. If she did, it would be the end of her drama. I was determined to tell the truth to Daddy if she was mean again, even if it meant we'd never see her again.

When it was time for a nighttime bath, Kristen received a call about a family emergency. Marcus, Kristen's Daddy, soon arrived to pick her up. Just like that, the threat had neutralized itself at least for now and we could relax.

"Thank God I won't have to sleep with an eye open tonight," Michael whispered from the corner of his mouth. "Trust takes time to build and she'll have to earn it."

In the bathroom, our Daddies undressed us until we were in our underwear. Surprisingly, I wasn't shy about being naked before Michael. It had nothing to do with him being gay or a boy. Instead, we had grown so close as friends over the past few weeks that I could be stark naked and still not be shy. Society had sexualized nudity but there were times when it wasn't. Sometimes it was just liberating.

"Michael, this place better not be a wet mess when we return," uncle John said as we lay in the bubbly bathtub.

"Okay," Michael said, dragging out the word and then giggling.

"You say that every time, but this time you better mean it. Jenna, you're a good influence on him. Help him be a good boy, will you? We'll be right outside, so just give us a holler if you need anything."

The moment our Daddies left Michael splashed water at me and giggled.

I resisted the urge to splash back at him. "Nope, I'm gonna be good for my uncle. This place will be spotless when they return."

"Boo!" Michael said. "You're such a spoilsport."

I grabbed onto the floating alligator toy and squeaked it. It quacked, causing me to giggle.

"Alligators don't quack," I said, squeaking the other ones too. "Hey, thanks for taking all the blame yesterday, but you didn't have to do that. I'm sorry for getting you in so much trouble. It was me who suggested revenge in the first place. I was so surprised when you took all the blame. No one has sacrificed themselves for me before."

"No worries, silly," he said as if it was no big deal. "That's what friends do for each other. When you make a friend, you're with them through thick and thin. Not just the happy moments, but also the difficult ones. Besides, there was no point in getting both our bottoms busted."

It was my first experience of having a friend and he had set the bar so high.

When I smiled at him and put my head on his shoulder, he continued. "So, you're in love with your Daddy too, huh? I noticed how you mentioned our Daddies loved us to death. Your Daddy and you finally confessed your love for each other I suppose?"

"Yup," I said. "But now that it's out of the way, the only thing that now remains is me trusting him with my past. It isn't that I don't trust him, but there's this fear of being judged and looked at differently. I need to tell someone to get this off my chest. I've been carrying it around all my life and it refuses to stop haunting me."

"I know what you could do." He wiggled his shoulder and I took my head off it. "Maybe you just need to practice saying it out loud. Once you see that a friend doesn't judge you, it'll be much easier to tell your Daddy."

I shrugged. "I already know you won't judge me, probably because you're a Little and I consider you a good friend. But sure, it might be good to finally let it all out in the open instead of letting it consume me from the inside. Well, here goes nothing."

I started right at the beginning when I was born into a strange world but it seemed normal since it was the only world I knew of. Then I went ahead with all the terrible child neglect I went through, also assuming it was how all parents treated their children. I was deliberately as brief as possible with the details since I didn't want to traumatize him, nor did I want to relive the memories vividly and burst into tears. But still, his eyes kept widening and he gaped at me in horror as I went through the years. By the time I was done, his mouth was wide open and he hadn't blinked in a few minutes.

Shaking his head, he brought himself back to the present. "Wow, that turned dark real fast. I'm traumatized just hearing it, but don't you worry. I'm a big boy and I can handle it. It's strange that you accepted physical abuse as a part of normal life, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't know the outside world was different. Oh, Jenna. I wish we all could've saved you from all those horrors back then. What we can and will do however is save you in the present. My friend, Elijah, went through a portion of what you had to go through. I'll tell you what his Daddies told him. You can't change your past, but you can't let it destroy your future either. I'm glad you escaped. You're here now and we won't let anyone hurt you anymore."

Throwing his arms around me, he gave me a hug. "If you're meant to be with your daddy, he'll love you unconditionally and just the same after you tell him about your past. And knowing uncle Clark, that's a given. You know, I've been hiding something big from my Daddy too. I do that sometimes when a worry is too big."

"No way!" I gasped. "But you've been together for years. Daddy always says you two are so close that you've become one person."

He nodded and let out a sigh. "True as that may be, Littles will be Littles. Learning to trust your Daddy with your worries is a lifelong process. The big ones are so big I end up overthinking instead of going to Daddy with them. So Daddy proposed to me a year ago but I haven't heard a peep about it ever since. Neither of us brings it up, but he's supposed to fix the date. You know how we Littles are. We always dream about getting married to our Daddies. I haven't told my worry to anyone, but frankly, the longer I stay engaged, the more I worry that he's changed his mind. Maybe he regrets proposing and wants to call off the wedding."

I chuckled and booped his nose. "It's the farthest from the truth and even you know it. Everyone knows you and your Daddy love each other to death. I knew it when I first met you and saw how uncle John looked at you with love while you were playing with your toys. I hope my Daddy looks at me like that after so many years together. Everyone wishes they had a love like yours, Michael. Daddies are good at taking a hint, so imply that you want him to fix the date. It doesn't matter how far away the date is. It's only to calm your worries."

He nodded with a bright smile. "I'll give it a try. It sure feels great to talk about your worries instead of ruminating."

That made two of us. The secret of my dark past was now out in the world and there was no stopping. When the time came to talk about it with Daddy, it was only going to be easier.

We chatted until our Daddies came back in to towel dry us and then it was off to bed. We were carried to Michael's nursery where we were dressed. He always slept with his Daddy and only used the bed in the nursery when he had guests over like now. It was big enough for two and soon we lay in it together.

"You'll come pick me up in the morning?" I asked and Daddy nodded, giving me a quick peck on the lips. "Goodnight, Daddy. Love you."

I smiled when he said it back and I closed my eyes. I was going to hear it for the rest of my life and each time would give me just as much joy as the first. Uncle John kissed Michael goodnight and handed him his favorite stuffie, a stuffed wolf toy. I was handed Doggo and when I felt my binky pressed against my lips, I began sucking on it vigorously. Michael and I wrapped our arms around each other because we needed to feel somebody's warmth to sleep peacefully.

Switching the lights off, our Daddies left and stood in the doorway, looking at us sleep from a distance.

"Don't they look so cute together?" Daddy whispered and uncle John agreed. "I knew they'd hit it off. She thought she would never have a friend but look at them now. Their friendship is only going to get stronger with time."

When the door closed, we sat up in bed and giggled in unison. He turned the lamp on and stretched his arms. We had secretly planned to stay up all night talking. After all, where was the fun in a sleepover where all you did was sleep? Needless to say, our eyelids got heavier with time and an hour later, we were fast asleep hugging onto each other and sucking on our binkies.

Daddy came to pick me up after breakfast the next morning as promised. Each time we separated, we were dramatic in our goodbyes and our Daddies found it hilarious. We acted as if one of us was going off to war and would never return. In truth, there wasn't a day that passed without us talking on the phone. I was still getting used to texting.

Days turned into weeks and my love for Daddy only grew stronger with time. I could physically feel his love healing me with each passing day, I thought less and less about my past. Instead, our future together occupied most of my thoughts now.

Daddy had gotten into the habit of dropping me off at Michael's whenever he had to go to the office for work. Uncle John and Michael worked from home and whenever I was over, uncle John would work from the couch while watching over us. It was fascinating when I sometimes got to watch Michael walking around as a grown-up instead of crawling, which only happened when he was lost deep in his work of social media marketing. It made me want to make something out of my life too. Too bad I was robbed of opportunities when my parents decided to stop educating their children.

One night I went to bed with Daddy and the day had been just like any other, where I felt loved and cared for. Slowly as I slipped into sleep, I was taken to a distant land where cruelty was the norm. I found myself as a young child locked in the dark basement for days like an animal, crying myself to sleep in darkness during the harshest summer, screaming for just a drop of water. But no, just like food, water would only be given once a day, first thing in the morning, and not enough to survive. I was sure I would die this time. I had survived it a dozen times before but this time surely I wouldn't. How could I, when I had grown so much since the last time but the quantity of food and water remained the same each time?

Just as each time before, the mind began to play tricks on me. I was in complete darkness and there were no sounds. The mind needed constant audio-visual sensations to make sense of its surroundings. When it's robbed of them, the mind begins creating its own reality. This time I was out in the real world after running away from home, experiencing life instead of merely existing. Gone was eternal darkness, replaced by beautiful bright sunlight, green trees, and singing birds. It felt so real there was no point reminding myself of the harsh truth that I was still in the basement. The reality was often disappointing. Only days later the illusion finally came to an end when the door to the basement opened, the light blinding and the smallest of sounds deafening. I looked down at my tiny body which had been shriveled and life sucked out of it, mere bones left of what was once Jenna, hanging between life and death, preferring the sweet release of death at the age of thirteen instead of this constant torture.

Once out of the basement, I was no longer the same Jenna. I was a badly broken version and it was exactly what my parents wanted. Every time I was put in there, I could never tell if I was in there for weeks or months. In the darkness of a basement, there was no sunrise or sunset to keep track of time, only silence and sadness. Usually, I started with counting the number of meals to keep track of the days, but soon the number would become so large that there was no point in keeping count. No number of screams or crying would change their mind anyway, so swiftly I began to accept it as my new reality, hoping and praying life would just end before I get to face it all over again. And all this suffering for what? Just because this time I'd been caught trying to learn about the outside world. They could take away my will to live, but they could never take away my curiosity.

Now panic slowly began to set in when it occurred to me that in truth, I was still in the basement, having hallucinated the whole part where I escaped, fell in love with Daddy, and befriended Michael. It all made sense. My mind had come up with a way to cope with darkness and silence like it always did, except this time it gave me exactly what I wanted. A loving Daddy and a caring friend.

Oh, no! Daddy wasn't real? But his love sure felt real. If he wasn't real, how could I picture his loving face so clearly? Tears began to form in my eyes as I tried hard to remember what Daddy looked like, but couldn't.

Daddy had lied to me then. He had promised to take care of me, to protect me from everyone and everything. Yet here I was, locked up alone in a basement, unloved and uncared for. Why had Daddy abandoned me? I had made up my mind. This time when I escaped my parents, I'd beg Daddy to take me back.

The door to the basement now opened and horror came upon me when I saw Daddy standing at the top of the stairs with an evil smile. Daddy had been my oppressor this time.

I screamed at the top of my voice as I opened my eyes and realized it was all just a nightmare. I hadn't hallucinated falling in love and it brought a smile to my face. It soon faded as I slowly began to realize that everything else in the dream had truly happened in the past. It was part of the past I'd been running away from.

My heart raced as I relived the horrific memories of begging and crying while being dragged down into the basement. I had spent months there that time, even losing my thirteenth birthday to darkness. It was the longest I'd ever been in there, and one of the few times I wasn't there as part of the cruel ritual.

I had tried hard not to think about the darkest memories ever since I ran away, but now they were all flooding back in one after the other. It was all too much and I burst into tears, throwing my head back and crying hysterically.

Why did I have the nightmare today of all days? Was it a sign that he was closer than ever and would take me back to a life of eternal living hell? Was this heaven I had created with such difficulty finally coming to an end?

When I felt a hand on my shoulder, I flinched and turned to see Daddy through my blurred vision. He was looking up at me with concern. The fear of never seeing him again was back again with full force. It only caused me to sob harder.