Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
CHLOE
“Are you okay?” I shriek and bolt from my seat to Damien.
“I deserved that.”
I search through my bag for a napkin. With trembling hands, I give it to him, but he slumps in his chair, forefingers glued over his lips.
“He’ll understand it one day.” I want to tell him that I doubt he will. I have never seen Filip lose it like that, the sheer venom, hurt in his stance, and I take a step back. He smiles, and my eyes widen, are they both insane?
“She answered,” he offers, holding up her reply card as if this makes any sense for his reaction. “Still the one to fuck me over.” He is still zoned out as I depart.
Let him be. This is what I keep telling myself all the way outside, until I get to the bar. I spot Filip hunched over a table, entertaining a glass of whiskey. I hate to see him like this. I walk over and hop onto the bar stool next to him.
“Pretty impressive punch back there,” I say, and he chuckles.
“Saw that, huh? Yes, I had one shot. I used it to my advantage.”
“He would have never hit you back.”
“I also thought I’d never want to crack his skull. Things change.”
“What happened?”
“He’s marrying Monica.” I squirm in my seat as he rubs his eyes. “I'm shocked he didn’t choose you.”
Fury bubbles inside me, and I jump to my feet and snarl in his face.
“Grow the fuck up, Filip.”
“Grow the fuck up too.”
“Me?” He’s got to be kidding me.
“Yes, you. You came for me, now stay.” He gives me whiplash.
“Goodbye.”
“I am drunk.”
“Not my problem.”
“I’ll drive home.”
I pause. There’s something in his voice, but no, he will not blackmail me like this.
“You’re old enough.”
“You just said I should grow up, which one is it.”
I growl under my breath, and gesture for his keys.
“I’ll drive your drunk ass home.”
When I fumble with the keys and struggle to start the car, Filip mutters, “I should have taken my chances and driven myself.”
A dry remark is on the tip of my tongue when I snap my head at him, his face pressed against the window.
“You wouldn’t make it out of the parking lot.”
“Not as if you’ve made it out either.”
“Is this a dare, because I don’t think I want to test it.” Tears prickle my lids, he is hilarious. Plus, I can drive, it’s just I can’t concentrate with him next to me, and the last time I drove was two years ago. I don’t need a car, I am in the air most of the time, anyway.
When I park, the relief on his face should have angered me, instead I giggle.
“Happy you brought us home in one piece?” he asks, rising an eyebrow, chuckling while my heart bursts. Home. One word that has me paralyzed, because I want it. But we’re not going to have it together, and the hurt tears my heart into small pieces.
“No reason to feel guilty, you didn’t kill us,” he says, and my lips arch into a half smile. He lifts my chin with his thumb, caressing the corners of my lips.
“Come inside.”
“I don’t think that is a good idea.”
“Who cares if it is.”
“I care, Filip.”
“No, you’re just scared.”
“What is this thing we’re doing?”
“Us.”
I sigh but follow him in his house.
“When will it be enough of this on and off?”
“When we either decide, we go on or off.” But are things ever this simple? The question is, what do I want more? It’s pretty obvious I am staying so...
I suppress my amusement as he makes himself a sandwich. I inch toward him, dabbing at the corner of his lips while his eyes heat.
“Are we going to fuck? I want to.”
I roll my eyes at him. Right now, I have the impression he’s an adult shell, and beneath it is just a little boy wanting love.
“Are you capable of fucking me?”
This time it’s him who rolls his eyes at me, while he bites into the sandwich.
“You’ll see how capable I am in a minute.”
Oh, and what a surprise it is as we stumble into the bedroom only for him to fall asleep on top of me. His snoring fills the room, and I stifle my laughter so as not to wake him up. I caress his soft, thick hair, longer on top, cut on the sides. My feelings for him overwhelm me, this on and off hits me hard. But what guarantees are there anyway, and when I am with him, even when we fight and he drives me mad, there is something more. In those seconds I am as bright as a thousand bulbs.
“Don’t leave me,” he mutters, and my heart constricts. He’s asleep so he won’t be aware of what he said, but I will remember.
“I won’t.”
“I love you.”
No, he didn’t. The urge to shake him awake and demand he look me in the eye when he confesses blinds me, but am I ready? I turn on my side, while his arms wrap around me, always this intimate, as if we have known each other long before our skins took this form. His deep and even breaths are the best lullaby.
***
A moan leaving my mouth wakes me. I flutter my eyes open only to catch Filip’s head between my thighs, grinning, his mouth wet and moist, his eyes aflame with desire.
“You’re awake.”
“Mm-hmm.” Any words turn to moans as his tongue brings me toward ecstasy. I curl my fingers through the sheets, I am so close.
“I am going to come.”
“Come.” His voice commands, his finger rubbing the right spot, his tongue lapping at my entrance, and I buck under him and cry out my release.
He crawls on top of me, his tongue twirling around my nipple as he enters me, filling me, giving me himself while I lay open for him. This has nothing to do with sex as we seek more than pleasure, we seek the entrance to the other.
“I love to fuck you.” You said you love me last night.
One day maybe we’ll outgrow our demons, when I am also ready to accept I am loveable and when he’s ready to trust me. Until then, we’ll give in just like this.
***
In the shower, I trace the line of his chest while he shampoos my hair.
“I love this,” I say through a mouthful of water, spraying us down while he chuckles at me. If I could control time, I would hit pause right now, with him so close to me, all of me invaded by him, his smell, his touch, himself.
Dried and dressed in bathrobes, we face each other as we sit on the couch.
“I won’t introduce you to my friend.” He nods and leans back, his fingers tapping at the couch.
“I respect that.”
“If we’re ever going to be able to go on, then I will do it, not sooner.”
“So, we keep this for us.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time,” he huffs and bends over.
“Running in circles.”
“Better than running away from the other.”
“Yes, I don’t think we can do the latter.”
A pause stretches as his eyes fix on me, and the intensity seeps through my skin.
“I want this to work out.”
“Me too.”
“Then why can’t it?”
This is the one question I have no answer to. I shrug, rise, and straddle him. I missed him so much, it’s incredible how it exhausted me trying to forget about him.
“Just me and you.” I need this, whatever we’re trying to find out, but I won’t share.
“I am pretty much hooked on you,” he admits, his hands sliding up and down my arms, his head cocked to the side, no hurried movements, no rushed kisses. We just enjoy this, and happiness ignites inside of me. He kisses me, tasting, savoring, and tingles erupt on my body.
“We’ll still go out, and I’ll take you on dates. Nothing changes.”
“And what will we say?”
“One day, Chloe, you’ll realize no one knows, no one cares, they just like to speculate too much.” He nibbles on my neck, exploring, while marking me with his brand of possession. No one has ever made me feel like this. I doubt someone else will elicit in me even the half of it, because it comes from me, he plays on my desire, on my need, while I become his and only his.
“Casual but exclusive.”
“Don’t define this, beautiful.” His teeth dig into my chest, scraping at my skin, and my head falls on his shoulder, my bathrobe sliding down, exposing my upper body. How can it be I am as wet and hot as a boiling pot?
“I want you.”
His fingers dig into my thigh. He unknots the robe and throws the piece of clothing to the floor. He lifts himself while I help him out of his boxers and guide him in. Both moaning, both insatiable with this need subduing us.
***
A new job came up, so I have to leave today instead of tomorrow for a photoshoot.
“How long?”
“Three days.” He pouts, looking at me though hooded eyes and curled lashes. I would have loved to spend the day with him, doing nothing but us.
“I am leaving for Zürich today.” The events of yesterday still fresh in my mind.
“I figured.”
“This has nothing to do with you, Chloe, if it means I come to visit you every weekend I will.”
I love the way his voice drips with determination, so now we’re also a long-distance thing. Instead of it getting easier, it’s as if we’re doomed even more. I offer him a small smile, not wanting him to peer inside me, catching all the desire and love I hide beneath my mask. He hops off the bed, cages me in, and my eyes find our image in the mirror. He winks at me, while his chin rests on my shoulder.
“We’re going to make this work.” I lean into him, it might be a blatant lie, but right now it comforts me.
“You’re mad at him.” I catch his eyes burning, the fury seeping from his skin.
“He went too far.”
“I know,” I add. I never thought I’d pick a side, but Filip is right. “He still loves her.”
“Why do you think I lost it?”
Didn’t expect that answer.
“Filip.”
“No, no more excuses, for either of them. I understand Sophia now, why she never tried to intervene. She accepted what I was too blind to see. Those two do what they want without decency or respect for anyone else, and I am so fucking done with them.”
It hurts me to see him like this, cracking with vulnerability. But it’s in him to keep his family together, and he’ll forgive them both, just not right now. I kiss the spot protecting his heart, and he kisses the top of my head.
“You feel so good. You are what I need.”
I press myself to him, because in moments like these the truth of his words echoes through my heart.
***
One month. It’s the longest we made this work without a fight, without anything other than the two of us, making room, making time for the other. This is all I can think of as I smile for the cameras, ignoring all the stupid questions of whether my heart is broken over Damien. But tomorrow I’ll be with Filip, secluded, only us and the bruises on our hearts. Then I smile even brighter.
Inside the ballroom, people mingle, eyes roam over bodies. There’s no depth because everything is about the shine. While cameras snap every few seconds, everyone acts on their best behavior.
My agent introduces me to Calvin B, the owner of the champagne brand we’re all gathered here to celebrate. His eyes undress me, I keep my shoulders high, a fake smile stretching my lips.
“You are my favorite model.”
“Thank you.”
“A beautiful woman like you shouldn’t be left alone.”
I am perfectly fine. He’s just fascinated by his own persona and probably picturing me on my knees, sucking him off because he flashes me those fake teeth. There are certain degrees of entitlement, but he is plain disrespectful.
“Meet me in my suite. I am having a private party.” I press my hand to my heart in a fake gesture.
“Oh, I can’t stay. Perhaps another time.”
You always have to remain nice if you want another job. With a last look that makes my skin crawl with disgust, I leave to find a quiet corner to call Filip.
“Hi, honey.”
My mood improves when his smooth, but deep voice hits my ear.
“Everything settled for tomorrow?” he asks, two times I had to leave for jobs and postponed our plans. Not this time.
“I am all yours for the weekend.”
“And how I will take advantage of that.”
“I am sure you will find a way. I have to go. Bye, love.”
When the party ends, I crash on the bed, sleep pulling me in. I wake up with a groan and slap my phone for the alarm to shut off. When the ringing ends, I smile, but scoot up, I can’t miss my flight. I rush and throw everything together and run out of the room. Only when I am in the air, do I relax.
He’s picking me up at the airport, and when I spot him, I jump into his arms while he kisses me. Yes, we’re good.
“Tell me.”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Please.” I am so excited I pout, and he furrows his eyebrows at me.
“It’s the place where I go when I want to be alone or think. No one knows about it.”
I blink at him, and he grabs my hand, and strong emotions assault my insides, while I force myself to keep my eyes dry. Of all the things he could do or say, this is the one to make me an emotional wreck.
As Mumford and Sons plays through the speakers, endless green places, thick forests, and tall peaks greet me. We cross though villages, enter a forest, and hidden among trees, a stone road that leads to a two-story chalet appears with a lake peeking out from behind it. My mouth hangs as I stumble to get out of the car and the rich smell of fresh air and pine envelops me. Birds chirp in the distance, and a woodpecker hits some wood, leaves shuffle under the paws of an animal.
“Wow.”
Inside, the open space with a view over the lake and the mountains mesmerizes me. I’ve never seen something this beautiful. A black fireplace fills one wall, the kitchen and the living room are separated by a bar island, and a couch spreads in front of an enormous bookcase. I run up the stairs, peeking inside two bedrooms with adjoining bathrooms. The master bedroom has a king-sized bed, a huge window, and an open bathroom. I turn around to spot Filip leaning against the wall.
“Wow.” He chuckles while I try to come up with other words.
“You like it?” he asks, his tone ending on a pitch. Is he nervous? Why would he be? This is perfect.
“Thank you for bringing me here,” I add, and at my answer his features relax. “I can’t believe I skipped on this two times.”
“So, you won’t anymore?”
“You can bet on that.” I sprint to him. He lifts me, and we tumble onto the bed, no more words are needed. Our bodies have a language of their own, and our actions say all we need to hear, the desire, the need, the love. The first two we already acknowledged, the third one is on the way.
“How often can we come here?” I roll to my belly and lean my face in my palm, gazing at him. His back is against the headboard, the sheet covering just his lower body, his hair tousled. He has never looked more handsome, sexier, more mine, than now.
“As often as you want,” he answers, looking me in the eyes, that intensity assembling everything on the inside to be built and melt for him.
“Why doesn’t anyone know about this?”
“Something just mine,” he answers. “I come here when I feel too overwhelmed, alone, to gather strength.”
“You brought me here.”
“I like the silence in the in between of whatever we’re doing.”
Feelings of warmth and love blanket me while candles light the room from behind their glass confines.
“Wait until I tell Sophia, she’ll be pissed.”
“You do know everything about the other?”
“Over time, Sophia has morphed into someone I need, and I couldn’t live without her.”
“She’s protective of you too.”
“Yes, she comes with the package deal. I hope you don’t mind.” I shake my head, their bond is too pure for me to even entertain the thought of wanting it to be cut. A rush of excitement hits my belly. I love the making of plans, the future part, it doesn’t scare me as much. “Liam still hates my guts, and he has to share her with me.” My eyes widen and for a moment he shakes his head as if not believing he just said that.
“I won’t tell anyone.” He nods, closing the subject. I am fine with that. Filip keeps a lot of secrets but as long as he stays open for me to discover him, he can keep all the rest.
We hike the next day, swim in the lake, and make a picnic, and when we get home, I crash on the couch while he laughs.
After half a day of wandering, I whine, and he slides next to me, placing my feet in his lap and massaging them. I moan, loudly, shamelessly.
“I am not fucking you yet,” he chuckles.
“Right now, just keep doing that.”
“My ego shot himself.”
“You’ll survive it. I’ll help with it later.”
***
We snuggle on the couch when a book catches my eye. I pick it up, and he stiffens next to me. It’s the Love Letters of Great Men, but the one from Napoleon to Josephine is where the bookmark sits.
“This is a delightful surprise.”
“I wanted to find out how great personalities tumble off their greatness to meet love.”
“Maybe it’s not a fall, but a rise.”
“Hmm, yes, well, I only see how love ruins all men.”
I stop flicking through the poems and lift my chin. “Still thinking that?”
“No, now I know, the only difference is I am far too gone to care.”
“Some would call it careless.”
“Some would call it madness.”
“Read to me.”
I pass the book of poems to him, and I get lost in the words as he reads me poem after poem, tears roll down my face, something so intrinsically intimate we share. Silly, how you think you love someone, and then you meet someone you do love.
“Make love to me,” I whisper when his voice turns hoarse from the reading. I felt him in every verse, now I need to feel him inside of me.
When we drive back to the city, back to our normal lives, a mix of nostalgia and happiness battle for a place in my heart. This weekend was everything I never dreamt I would have or get to experience.
“You can’t top this. It’s impossible.”
He eyes me, brows knitted, accepting my challenge.
