Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
CHLOE
I start the engine, and he turns paler with every kilometer. He’s so dramatic. Plus, we’re in an SUV, he’s safe.
His hand rests on my thigh as his fingers glide down my leg, the electricity buzzing between us.
“You came.” Not a question, just a fact. I came because he’s right. I won’t allow fear to sabotage our happy times, and after I talked to both my parents, it seemed clear I don’t need to hold back. And I could construct my own small family. That would be my biggest dream.
“You’re right.”
“I am flattered.”
“Shut up, you’re everything but modest.”
We never said where we would celebrate Christmas morning, but we end up at the chalet. This is our place and if I could live here for the rest of my life—no glitter, no cameras, no pretense, no appearances, just us—I wouldn’t need anything else.
We step inside, and he slams me against the wall and rips my clothes off me. This is what I missed too, how he loses himself in me.
“Filip.” My voice rings in the air, filling it with raw need and lust.
“I’ll take care of my pussy.” His. Only he can mention his blatant possession of me, and I would only nod.
He yanks his pants off, and slams inside me while my fingernails scratch down his neck.
“One day, I am going to get you pregnant with my kid.”
He thrusts himself inside me, my brain short-circuited. I breathe, “Why?”
“Because you’re mine, because I want everything with you.”
I come hard. It’s never happened this fast, even he stills inside of me. When the shock wears off, we tumble onto the couch while I ride him. His hands grip my thighs. I might be on top, but he takes what he needs from me. My entitled prick, the one I am so in love with I never even considered it possible. He releases inside of me, filling me with him, while I crash on him. Yes, one day I would want a kid with him too. Forehead on forehead, with a sheen of sweat covering our bodies, I smile.
How can it be like this, we just saw each other two days ago? My stomach growls, and he lifts his head.
“Let’s cook something.” When I first met him, he couldn’t make an omelet, but even his housekeeper is proud of how he’s improved. One day he invited her over to make her dinner. She cried, I cried too. There is something very lovable about a man not realizing how good he is.
***
“Let’s start a Christmas tradition.”
The idea hits me as we wait for the food to be ready in the oven and excitement has me bouncing around.
“We have to watch Home Alone. It’s a must.”
“Cooking together?”
“We wear red socks the entire day.”
“Chloe, that will look stupid.”
“But it will be funny.”
“Only if you wear a red thong as well to sweeten the deal.” He raises his eyebrows, his eyes filling with open lust and no shame. I lock my hands around his neck and kiss him.
“Fine.”
Him engaging in the discussion, warms me, the kind that soothes, rolls over me like a blanket on a chilly day. And this is what we do next, getting through our new traditions. I never liked Christmas until now, with him.
“Thank you.”
“Stop thanking me. You deserve this and so much more.”
“What is your problem with me thanking you?” After we finish eating, we move to the huge pillow-like couch. I roll on my side, curiosity lacing my words. He turns to face me in the same position and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“It’s just, what did I do to be granted something worth being grateful for?”
“You can’t be serious?”
“But I am, it’s you that sparks something inside of me to be like this.”
“Oh, Filip, it’s the first time I believe you are everything other than an entitled prick.”
“I will never live that down, will I?”
I shake my head, biting my lower lip to suppress my amusement.
“You’re loyal, lovable, caring, attentive.”
“Go on.”
“Prick.” He pins me on my back, while he hardens between my thighs and further conversation suspends as we get lost in each other. I don’t want this to end.
***
The cold bites at me as I shiver when I slide through the building’s door. The receptionist already knows me, no one else pays attention. Only Luisa will stop me if Damien's in an impromptu meeting, but that is something that seldom happens.
“How is he?” I ask her this because she sees him the most other than Monica and because I have been busy living in my happy bubble.
“Busy.”
The misery is something he can’t hide as well anymore, or it’s my ability to glimpse through his mask.
“Chloe,” he says and rises to his feet, hugging me. The guilt eats at me because he needs me, and I haven’t been there for him.
“I missed you,” I confess, translating how I am here for him. “Let’s go away for the weekend.”
“I am busy.”
“Take your laptop with you, it wouldn’t be the first time.”
“Fine.” He never gave in that quickly. Monica appears, not knocking, her icy stare sending chills down my back, but hides it as soon as it came. He’s so good at reading people who he doesn’t know, but with the ones close to him, not so much.
“Hi, Monica.”
“Chloe, long time no see.” I bet she would love it if I disappeared altogether.
“I am taking him away for the weekend.”
“But?”
Damien snaps his head at her. “Is there a problem?”
“No, of course not,” she stammers, why can’t she slip more often, he would see it too, to her this is not a game like it is for him.
***
“I am spending the weekend with Damien.”
An unnerving silence follows.
“Filip.”
“I haven’t gone deaf, Chloe.” Chloe, not beautiful, love, or honey. He holds his anger back even though his tone dropped to pissed.
“I am not calling you for permission, but to inform you.”
“Of course.”
“Filip, he’s my best friend.”
“Of course.”
“Did you have a stroke, damn it?”
“I have work to do.”
“Ugh.”
I hang up and call Anabelle. We have seen each other only two days in the last two months.
“He drives me mad.”
“Mystery on/off man?” Her confidence kicked in since she travels so much, and is in her own right a lady boss. I love this new her.
“Yes, and he’s my on.”
“Still haven’t met him.”
“You’re away more now.”
“You’re the one to talk.”
“Right.” I plop on my bed and chew on my thumbnail.
“Why is he jealous?”
“Because he’s not stupid.”
“Anabelle, nothing happened between me and Damien.”
“Still, there was always the chance. There was a time you wanted it, and . . .”
“Yes, okay, I was confused, but not anymore. Damien is my safety net, but I am in love with Filip.”
***
“I am glad you got used to this.” This meaning the extravaganza of his lifestyle, but after being a supermodel where I get everything just by walking in and after Filip and his over-the-top dates, I got used to it all. It has its perks, it’s always easier to get used to wealth and happiness than sadness and having to decide between paying bills or eating.
“I am all hooked up.”
He half smiles.
“Will I ever see you smile, even laugh?”
“It’s hard when all your happiness was connected to one person.”
“No one should be loved like that.”
“I don’t think anyone ever loved like me.” I witnessed break ups, love gone wrong but someone like him, who never got over it, never.
“Love shouldn’t hold this power.”
“She was my life, this is how I loved her, she took mine away when she . . .”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“You’re my best friend, who else if not you to check if I am still sane.”
“Damien.”
“Don’t worry, I can’t afford to go insane.” He squeezes his eyes shut, his jaw set, and adds, “She’s leaving.”
“How do you know?”
“It’s not the how do I know, it’s if I am ready.”
“You should be, you’re marrying her cousin.”
“If she leaves, let’s try.”
I freeze and blink at him.
“What?”
“You’re the only one I care about.”
“Damien . . .”
“Come on, Chloe, it’s not that we’ve never considered it.”
Years, I have waited years and now as I stare at him, for him it would be just a business transaction, and still I would have accepted it.
“Think about it.” He misinterprets my silence, but now I have Filip, and what I have with him, after discovering and living love, I’d never settle for scraps ever again. Damien is my safety net, my best friend, he’s there, and it’s a comforting knowledge, but Filip, he’s my person, my other half, my beloved prick. Maybe I should tell him, my heart is completely taken by Filip. No, this is not the right moment, this is about us being friends.
“Why now?”
“She’s leaving me. I can’t drag her through this ugliness anymore. She dangles the life she has with him in front of me, while I slept around, when all I really want is her. I would give everything I have to have that too. I wanted it with her, but she fucking stopped wanting that with me. I have to give up, she’s not mine anymore. She doesn’t fight back, it’s as if she wanted to give me closure.”
The entire weekend, we ski and lounge in the suite. Filip doesn’t call. He’s so damn stubborn. We were doing fine, I should have told everyone who has my heart, now we’re back to not trusting the other.
***
Filip is at my door when I arrive, his hands in his pockets. My heart twitches with this feeling of the end approaching, the cold and emptiness dragging me under. He offers a small smile, and we kiss, because to argue would mean we want to hold on, but we can’t, we’re too damaged, too distrustful, too insecure. I love him with my body, it’s safe like this. He does the same. There are no more surprises, no more getting to his chalet, no more topping dates, just plain and casual sex. There are no more I love yous, I miss yous, but I landed, my place or yours? Are you up, I want to fuck you. No more us.
We tarnished everything. Love is just not meant for me.
It’s why I am here, at my father’s birthday, trying to get his attention, while his buddies look at me like I am a piece of meat. This is how low I sank, trying to gain the love of a man I should have had from since the day I was born.
