Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
FILIP
I am not ready yet to get to this confession or strings of them. I am different now, but back then, I had so much time and money to do whatever the hell I wanted. She already thinks I am a prick and entitled, but after this. I sigh as I put the bowls in the dishwasher.
“Want to go out for a walk?”
Her eyes find mine. I love this part where there are no words needed—she eyes me in understanding. I am scared out of my mind, and it’s not helping that I have just a few days to prove to her I am the man she wants to be with.
“I’ll change into something more fitting,” she says and disappears up the stairs.
Fallen branches crack under our boots as I take the path toward the lake. On the bench I stare across the water, some fish popping and vanishing right under the surface. We’re silent until she tilts her head to me and interlinks our hands. Don’t give me hope only to take yourself away, Chloe. But I don’t say this out loud, I just inhale the fresh scent of nature.
“What about I tell you some things too?”
“Why would you?”
“I’ve learned one important lesson, and that is, the past doesn’t define us, but we spend so much time going over it we lose focus on the here and now.”
Get it over with, you have to.
“I was one spoiled kid.”
I expect her to burst into laughter, even questioning me if I am aware she knows that.
“I got everything I wanted in exchange for something I liked anyway—to read. It’s true with every year the list of things I had to do grew, but so did the bonuses. I would have done without the latter too, but I learned something else—rewards keep you going.
“I was jealous of Bria. She was afraid of nothing, while I was afraid of everything. I pushed myself through every fear so I could conquer them. I snuck out of the house one night and slept outside. My parents grounded me the first time, but I was never afraid of the night outside ever again. The same with swimming, I hated it, until I learned how to hold my breath under water. I can still free dive for three minutes.
“I always told on them, thinking I was protecting them until I realized I have to keep my loyalties separated. They mocked me for years for doing that.” I smile at the memories, and her lips arch into a smile too.
“Bria was the fearless one, Damien was the one observing everything, Sophia was the attention seeking one, and I . . . just wanted to be liked.”
“Don’t put yourself down, Filip.”
“So, I became someone everyone could like. Soph always keeps telling me, I wear this easy going, making everyone smile and feel at ease mask so good, I got used to it. You changed that.”
“What?”
“With you I am me, I never expected this would happen.” I raise our hands between us, and she tilts her head to the side, shutting me off, whispering, “And still.”
“Everyone has wanted me to be something else, so.”
“No, Filip, you were a coward. Don’t compare this with what you experienced before. I never wanted to be one of them . . .”
“You never were.”
“I will never understand your lack of trust.”
Why not start with the heaviest part?
“I got someone pregnant.”
