Never by Blue Saffire

Chapter 5

Halt

Sal

I’m shivering from that kiss and the intense look he’s giving me now, but it’s a good shiver. I only wanted to fuck with that dumb bitch at the desk. I didn’t know Gutter would take it so far, but once his lips met mine, I was gone.

I never thought I would want a man the way I want Gutter in this moment. Being in his arms, I feel so small and safe. I’m not a small girl, so this is a hard feeling to come by for me, but Gutter carries me to our room as if I weigh nothing.

Just to think, when I first woke to the unfamiliar surroundings, my first instinct was to panic. I didn’t mean to show so much, but I know he saw it. I was even going to fuss about sharing a room at first.

Now, all I can think about as my juices soak my panties is having this man’s big, hard body pressed to mine. As I cling to his shoulders, I can feel the strength coiled within his body.

Gutter maneuvers me and the key to our room, pushing the door in and kicking it closed once inside. Dropping my bag to the side of the door, he turns my back to the door and pushes me up against it.

Once again, he devours me whole with hungry kisses. He unbuttons the front of my pants and slides his rough hand into the front of my panties. He growls when his fingers find my soaked slit.

My mind is in a tailspin. I try to fight back the memories that are battling to come to the forefront. I want to only focus on his big, callused hand that’s cupping my mound.

He’s just cupping my heat. His fingers haven’t penetrated me. As if he can feel the panic that wants to rise within and he’s giving me time to adjust and relax. He moves his lips to my neck and sucks on my flesh, but he still doesn’t push a finger inside me.

It almost feels more intimate than if he were to. Instead of freaking me out, it feels comforting, almost like he’s cherishing the treasure within his palm. That’s when he slides his two fingers through my outer lips, soaking his fingertips and teasing my seam.

I moan and shudder, but everything stops. It’s like the air is sucked out of the room. Gutter pulls his lips from my neck and he looks into my eyes. His eyes are narrowed and look so dark. Not in color, but there’s something in his past that has left a dark side lurking at the surface of this man’s soul.

Just as quickly as he pinned me to the door, he sets me on my feet. He rubs his thumb against his bottom lip as his eyes remain on me. His chest is heaving. I know he’s as affected as I am.

So, I’m surprised when he shakes his head, as if to clear it. He turns, pulling his cut off and tossing it on a chair as he heads to the open door of the bathroom. Without looking back at me, he calls over his shoulder.

“Sorry, Salalia, I can’t do this. You can have the bed, just toss a pillow on the floor,” he mumbles, then slams the bathroom door shut. I hate my real name, but somehow, him using it softens the blow just a little.

Does he know I’m damaged?Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Is it too much to ask for him to teach me?

Gutter

I just couldn’t do it. As good as she feels, as good as she tastes, and as much as I want to be inside of her, I couldn’t. The images that have haunted me all of my life wouldn’t go away, so I couldn't focus on her. I tried, fuck, I tried like hell to stay in the moment, in the room.

Then she moaned at the same exact time as the voices in my head, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t ruin that perfect angel out there with my dark past and my insane thoughts. She had no business being so wet for a man like me.

I had to hightail my ass into this bathroom for her protection. I needed a shower. I now stand under the spray, with my hard as fuck cock in my hand. I haven’t jacked off in years.

A part of me once thought my dick was broken and I would never want sex. Now, I have my fingers in my mouth, sucking her juices from them, while I pump with the other hand. I can’t get her eyes out of my head.

I grunt and growl as my release hits me hard and sprays all over the shower wall. I slump against the tile. Fuck, my head is so fucked up. For the first time in a long time, I loathe myself. It took me so long to figure out none of it was my fault. However, at this moment, I just feel dirty and disgusting, just like I did back then.

“You don’t deserve her,” I murmur.

Sal deserves better than me. I’d never forgive myself for destroying something as beautiful as her. What I thought I saw in her eyes earlier was only me projecting my past onto her. Me wishing I'd found someone as fucked up as me.

I pull my shit together and step out of the shower. Placing a towel around my waist, I take a breath before collecting my clothes I folded neatly before getting in the shower out of habit.

When I step into the bedroom the room is dim, but the first thing I notice is Sal. She’s sitting in the middle of the bed in only her T-shirt, with her knees pulled into her chest. She’s shaking and her lips are trembling. Then she looks up at me with those big brown eyes.

I’m thrown back in time when I see the look on her face. I don’t see Sal, I only see Terry, my cousin, and his sad gold and blue eyes. I’m filled with such anger and helplessness.

There’s nothing I can do. I can barely protect myself, but I manage. I manage to keep what happened to Terry from happening to me and I feel sick that I couldn’t save him.

My body starts to tremble as fury rips through me. Then, I’m brought back to the present by her softly spoken words. I’m gutted by them because I know I’m going to be ripped to pieces because for the first time I’m finally going to share with someone other than Terry what happened to me. I have to share because I can’t allow her to think this shit is on her.

“Am I not good enough?” she whispers. “Di… did I do something wrong? Why’d you stop? I… I didn’t want you to stop. I… I… I think I can handle your touch.”

I close my eyes. So, I wasn’t projecting. One fucked-up soul is about to meet another.

I walk over to sit on the foot of the bed, placing my clothes at my feet. I take a breath and start to speak. “It’s not you, it’s me. What I’m about to tell you, I have never told a soul.

“I don’t know if I can take you like you deserve. I’ve never been with a woman for my own pleasure. But… I’m going to tell you this because the idea of you being my old lady sounds so fucking good coming off your lips.

“If you don’t think you can handle a fucked-up man like me, then I need you to say it now, darlin’. Because once I tell you my secrets, you’re mine. This Lost Soul plays for keeps,” I say and turn to look her deep in those big brown eyes. “You feel me?”