Where the Heart Is by Patricia Keelyn

CHAPTER SEVEN

Anna figured she had to be the biggest idiot in Felton. Going to see Jon after the way he’d treated her had to qualify her for some kind of lunacy award. She still couldn’t believe he’d told her to go play with her dolls, of all things. Just who did he think he was?

Heck, he’d been the one mature enough to get into a knife fight with Roc and Fatso. Shaking her head at macho-male stupidity, she decided she was only the second-biggest fool in Felton. Jon Ryan was definitely the first.

Ever since he’d come to town, she’d tried to be nice to him. Not that it mattered. He had an attitude the size of a mountain, acting as if he was too good for everyone else. Nobody could stand him.

So why did she bother?

She couldn’t say for sure, but there was something about him. He reminded her of the stray puppy she’d found out by Fieldman Creek when she’d been a kid. Jon had the same big brown eyes, and every now and then, he looked just about as lost as that puppy. She’d tried to make friends with him. She’d even warned him about Roc and Fatso, but he’d been too stupid to listen. So why should she care if he’d gone and got himself cut? Served him right.

So why was she standing on his front porch?

“Hi, Selba,” she said to the housekeeper when she opened the door. “Jon around?”

“Why, come on in, Anna.” Selba stepped aside to allow Anna to enter. “He’s been out of sorts for the past couple of weeks. Stuck in the house and all. But maybe your pretty face will brighten his mood.”

Anna smiled, though she doubted seeing her would do anything other than make Jon crankier. “I hope so.”

“Go on up.” Selba motioned toward the stairs. “His room is the last one on the right.”

“Thanks.” Anna steeled herself and headed up the stairs. At the door to Jon’s room she stopped and took a deep breath before knocking. “Jon. It’s me. Anna.” When she didn’t get an answer, she pushed the door open slowly. He lay across the bed on his side, his head propped on one hand, totally absorbed in something on his phone.

“Jon?” she said again, and he looked up, clearly surprised to see her. “Hi,” she said shyly, suddenly wishing she hadn’t come.

Jon turned off the phone and sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “Hi.” He didn’t immediately tell her to leave. She figured that was something at least.

“How’s your head?”

He reached up and absently touched the white bandage above his eye. “Fine.”

Anna forced a smile, feeling more awkward than she’d ever felt in her life. What was she doing here? “Nice room,” she said as she glanced around.

His room was a lot neater than any she’d ever seen. Nothing like the disaster areas her brothers lived in. There were no posters on the walls, no collections of strange items cluttering the dressers and desk. His bed was made, and there wasn’t a stray shirt or pair of jeans anywhere to be seen. The only thing indicating that anyone really lived here was a set of shelves overburdened with books. She wondered if it always looked like this, or if Selba had just cleaned. “Uh, have a seat,” Jon said.

“Thanks.” She crossed to his desk and pulled out the chair. “We all heard you got suspended.”

“Yeah. Tough punishment.”

“Roc, too. For a month.”

“Lucky him.”

For several uncomfortable moments, neither of them spoke. Once again, Anna regretted the impulse that had brought her over here. Jon had never shown the least bit of interest in her attempts to be his friend. So whatever gave her the crazy idea he’d be happy to see her now?

“Since you’re stuck in the house,” she said as heat rose in her cheeks, “I brought you something to read.” Anna bit her bottom lip and held out the paperback she’d brought for him. As Jon reached for the book, she quickly added, “I noticed the other day you were reading Stephen King.”

“Yeah. He’s cool.”

“This is his latest. My brother said it was pretty good.” Then, as an afterthought, “I hope you haven’t already read it.”

Jon studied the book in his hand, and Anna held her breath, waiting for him to hand it back to her.

“No, I haven’t,” he finally said. Then he looked at her, and her heart skipped a beat. “I’ve been meaning to pick it up the next time I got to the bookstore.” Again, there was silence. The room seemed suddenly warmer. Jon looked at her with those soft brown eyes of his, reminding her of that stray puppy again. She thought she’d die of embarrassment if he didn’t look away soon, because she could no more move than fly. “Thanks.”

That one word, spoken into the tense stillness, broke the spell and nearly sent her running for the door. She just barely held on to her nerve and kept her feet rooted to the floor.

“Well,” she said, trying to sound normal, “I guess I should be going.” She rose from the chair, hoping to escape with what little pride she had left. Then she remembered one of the most important reasons she’d come over here. “I wasn’t the one who told my dad,” she blurted out.

“What do you mean?”

“My dad asked if I knew who pulled the knife.” Anna bit her bottom lip as she recalled her conversation with her father. She hadn’t lied. Exactly. She hadn’t seen the fight. So at the time, she hadn’t known anything for sure. “I didn’t tell him about the argument you had with Roc and Fatso. Or what I suspected.”

“Anna … ”

She looked up at him. Again, the room seemed too warm, and she wasn’t sure where her next breath was coming from.

Then he said, “Why don’t you stay for a while?” A small smile appeared on his face, and Anna’s heart melted. “We could watch a movie or something.”

Anna took a step toward the door, suddenly very unnerved by the boy in front of her. “I can’t,” she said. “I’ve got an algebra test on Monday. I need to study.”

“Hey, I’m good at math.”

Anna blinked, not sure what to say. She’d grown used to an unfriendly Jon Ryan, a gruff unappreciative boy who wasn’t worth her trouble. She could resist him. Almost. But this new Jon, with soft puppy-dog eyes and a smile that sent her heart racing, was another matter. She wasn’t at all sure how to deal with him.

“I mean, maybe I could help you. Now. Or over the weekend, maybe. That is, if you want.”

“You’d do that?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

She hesitated a moment longer before saying, “Okay.”

Jon returned to his bed and grabbed a math book off his desk. “So let’s get started.”

Nick lived in the section of town that Maddie had spent the first seventeen years of her life trying to get out of. Just two blocks from her mother’s home, his street featured ancient oaks and full-acre yards, with houses large enough to fit a dozen one-room shacks like the one he’d grown up in. It felt strange to be going to see Nick in these surroundings. Even a little eerie.

Maddie rang the doorbell and was surprised when Jon, not Nick, opened the door. “Hi,” she said, smiling brightly. “Remember me? Maddie.”

“Sure.” Jon backed away from the door. “Come on in.”

Maddie stepped inside. “Did your dad tell you I was coming?”

“Yeah.” Jon shut the door and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “He got home late and went upstairs to take a shower. He’ll be down in a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Maddie glanced around the impressive foyer and then remembered the package in her hand. “Here,” she said to Jon, handing him a white bakery box. “I brought dessert.”

He took it hesitantly. “Uh, cool.” He didn’t seem to know how to act now that his hands were out of his pockets. “What is it?”

“Apple cobbler from Dell’s.” Maddie took a step toward the boy and lowered her voice. “But don’t tell your father. He thinks it’s gooey-butter cake.”

“Okay. Sure.” Jon obviously didn’t get the joke. With a gesture toward the back of the house, he asked, “Do you want to go into the family room?”

“Sounds good.”

Jon led her into a spacious great room that served as both kitchen and living area.

“Nice,” Maddie said.

Jon shrugged, moved over to the refrigerator and set down the bakery box. “You want something to drink?”

“Not just yet, thanks.”

The room radiated comfort, despite its ultramodern decor. It was a look Maddie had tried to accomplish in her Miami apartment. Diana had done it better.

White-on-white dominated: white tile floors, white cabinets and appliances in the kitchen area, and white furniture in the family room area. But Diana had used soft and livable fabrics in off-white to cover her furniture, and handwoven throw rugs in the same color as the furniture. Pillows in muted pastels lay scattered about the room, and there was greenery everywhere. A large ficus tree stood in one corner, while hanging baskets of blooming impatiens filled another. An assortment of plants lined the top of the kitchen cabinets and hothouse window, which ran from floor to ceiling next to the kitchen table; multicolored African violets added their own touch of color.

The effect was further enhanced by a large marble fireplace on one side of the living area and sliding glass doors leading out to a large deck that seemed to run the entire length of the back of the house. It was a far cry from the interior of most of the houses in Felton. Diana must have gutted and remodeled the entire place.

Maddie gravitated toward a display of family pictures on the mantel over the fireplace. There were several photos of all three of them—Nick, Jon, and Diana—as Jon was growing up. Also, there were a couple of wedding shots that Maddie skimmed over, and one just of Diana. Maddie picked up the picture and studied it.

Diana was beautiful.

Maddie didn’t remember that about her. She did recall that Diana had been popular with the boys in school; but at the time, Maddie hadn’t paid much attention. As Tammy said, Maddie had been too concerned with her own world. And Nick. How ironic that it had been Diana who’d married him and carried his son.

Studying the dark-eyed beauty in the picture, Maddie understood how Nick had fallen in love with the other girl. She glanced from the picture in her hand to one of the wedding pictures on the mantel. They were a handsome couple.

“You look like your mother,” she said to Jon as she brought her gaze back to the photograph in her hand.

“That’s what my dad says. Everyone else thinks I look like him.”

“I did, too, at first.” She turned to study Jon, comparing him to the picture of his mother. “It’s the coloring that makes people think you look like your dad. But they’re wrong. You look like Diana.”

Jon crossed the room to stand behind her and peer over her shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Look, you’ve got her eyes.”

“Yeah, well, Dad’s are blue.”

“It’s more than the color. It’s the shape. And look at her mouth. It could be yours.”

Jon gazed at his reflection in the mirror above the mantel. “I see what you mean.”

“And those cheekbones.” Maddie shook her head. It was almost too obvious. “If you were a girl, you’d be the spitting image of her.”

Jon seemed to consider that for a moment and then asked, “Is what my dad said the other day true?”

Puzzled, Maddie met his gaze in the mirror. “About what?”

“About you and my mom being friends?”

Maddie glanced down at Diana’s picture and considered stretching the truth. Evidently Nick wanted Jon to think that she and Diana had been friends in high school. But she couldn’t lie. Something in the boy’s eyes begged for honesty.

“I knew your mom,” she said finally, as she placed the picture back on the mantel. “We were in the same class all through school. But no, we weren’t good friends.”

“I didn’t think so.” Jon straightened the picture Maddie had just set down and moved back across the room to stand once again behind the kitchen counter.

Maddie followed him with her eyes. “Why not?”

“She hated this town. She said she didn’t have any friends here.”

“I don’t know about the last couple of years.” Maddie chose her words carefully. “But your mother was very popular in high school. She was a cheerleader and the prom queen in our senior year. She had a lot of friends.”

It was as if he hadn’t heard her. “She used to say that she always hated living here. Even when she was a kid.”

Maddie sighed inwardly and lowered herself onto the couch. She was treading on dangerous territory here—talking about Diana to the woman’s son. A boy who obviously loved and missed her fiercely. Maddie tried to remember how she’d felt after her father died, what she’d wanted from the adults around her. All she could remember was the anger.

“I wanted out of Felton when I was younger, too. We all did.” Jon didn’t look like he believed her. “It’s true,” she went on. “Your father and I were always making plans to leave here and never come back.”

“So why did you? Come back, I mean.”

Maddie shrugged. “I asked myself the same question when I first got here. Then I realized that I came back because I needed a quiet place to wait for my baby. And because there are people here for me.”

“Where’s your husband?”

“I don’t have one.”

Jon blushed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“Don’t worry about it, Jon.” Maddie smiled and brushed his apology aside with a wave of her hand. “It was a natural mistake. Most pregnant women have husbands. But there are other people here for me. My mother. And friends. Like your father.”

Jon looked away, evidently still embarrassed. Maddie wished she knew a way to make things easier for him. She didn’t have much experience with teenagers, and she doubted that what she’d learned about losing a parent would help him very much. The pain never totally went away. It just dulled with the passage of time.

“Sorry I’m late.” Nick’s voice brought Maddie out of her reverie, and she noticed Jon stiffen the moment his father stepped into the room. “I got held up at the clinic.”

Maddie smiled warmly at Nick, while still very much aware of the suddenly rigid teenager across the room. “No problem. Jon and I were just getting acquainted.”

Nick’s gaze slid to his son, the wariness in his eyes belying his smile. “Great.” He clapped his hands together and headed for the refrigerator. “Well, I guess I need to get going on those steaks.” He went to open the door, spied the bakery box on the counter and looked up at Maddie. “You didn’t? Gooey-butter cake?”

Maddie rose and crossed her arms. “I told you I’d bring the dessert. My choice. Remember?”

Nick shook his head and walked over to the counter. Just as he reached for the box, however, Jon grabbed it. “That’s for dessert,” he said, and carried the box into the large walk-in pantry.

Nick blinked twice before focusing on Maddie, who shook her head and shrugged. She couldn’t help him. Evidently, this was a departure from Jon’s normal behavior. When the boy returned, Nick asked, “Jon, how about starting the fire?”

“I already did.” Jon didn’t look at him as he grabbed a soda from the refrigerator. “I’m going upstairs now.”

“Sure.” Nick still looked stunned. “Thanks.” Once he left the room, Nick turned to Maddie. “Looks like my son is watching out for your interests.”

Maddie grinned and closed the distance between them. “I’ve always had a way with the Ryan men,” she said, although she really thought Jon’s actions had more to do with defying his father than keeping her secret.

The rest of the evening went more smoothly than Maddie expected. She helped Nick put dinner together, tossing the salad and zapping potatoes in the microwave while he grilled the steaks. As always, being with Nick was relaxing. They joked and laughed, as if they’d been doing this together for the past sixteen years, instead of living separate lives.

When dinner was ready, Nick called Jon and the boy joined than out on the deck. She had to admit, things got a little tense at that point. Nick did his best to keep the conversation flowing and the atmosphere light, but Jon wasn’t buying it. Around her, Jon had been just another awkward teenager. But with his father, he’d become an angry young man, belligerent and defiant.

It reminded her of meals shared with her mother years ago, and her heart ached for both Nick and Jon. She had no idea what kind of relationship Nick had had with his son before Diana’s death, but she doubted it was the silent battlefield it was now. She wished she could do something to help them, but she hadn’t the faintest idea where to start. After all, she hadn’t done very well with her own relationships.

After dinner, Jon retreated once again to his room without waiting for dessert. Maddie, too, claimed she was too full to eat another bite. Nick said he felt the same, and for a few minutes they cleared the table without speaking.

“I’m sorry,” Nick said as he carried the last of the dishes into the kitchen.

Maddie closed the glass doors behind him. “For what?”

“For the way Jon behaved.”

“Hey. You forget who you’re talking to.” Maddie moved up beside him and set the dishes in the sink before turning to smile at him. “Remember, I was the world’s surliest teenager.”

Nick crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. “Yeah. You were pretty rotten, weren’t you?”

“To the core.”

Nick grinned, and heat coiled slowly within her. Damn, she didn’t want to be attracted to Nick Ryan again. She wanted to be his friend, nothing more. But the years had not weakened the effect of those eyes on her. Or that smile. She’d never known another man as handsome as Nick, a man who could turn her inside out with nothing more than a cocky grin and the flash of his deep blue eyes. Not even Roger.

The thought jarred her, and suddenly Maddie wanted to go home. “It’s getting late,” she said. “Let me help you with these dishes and then I should get going.”

“Leave them,” Nick said, gently taking Maddie’s hand and leading her away from the sink. “I’ll do them later. Did you walk or drive?”

“Walk.” Her gaze drifted to their joined hands, fighting the familiarity of his touch.

“Good. I’ll drive you home.”

“That’s okay.” Maddie pulled her hands from Nick’s and crossed the room to grab her purse. “It’s only a few blocks.”

“I want to take you,” Nick insisted. “Besides, I have something to show you. Come on.”

Maddie knew better than to argue with him. Nick had it in his head to take her home, and she couldn’t object further without looking foolish. And it was just a short ride, no more than a few blocks. A few minutes later, after calling goodbye to Jon, Nick helped her climb into his truck. At a little over four months pregnant, she wasn’t very big yet, but it was still a long way up for someone whose balance was already off kilter.

“I guess I’m not as limber as I used to be,” Maddie said, referring to her growing stomach.

“Just wait. It’s going to get a lot worse.” Nick closed her door and went around to the driver’s side.

“I forgot,” Maddie said with a smile. “You’ve been through this before.”

Nick turned in his seat and grinned. “Yep. And Diana wasn’t exactly one to suffer in silence. She made sure we were both pregnant.”

Maddie laughed, thinking that at least she and Diana would have agreed on something. “Sounds reasonable to me.”

“Looking back, maybe it wasn’t so bad. But at the time, going out in the middle of the night for Mexican food seemed a bit much.”

“Mexican food?”

Nick started the engine. “Diana ate beef burritos for the entire nine months.”

Maddie laughed. “Pizza.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve never really been crazy about it before.”

“But now?”

“I can’t get enough of it.”

Nick laughed, too, and backed the truck out of the driveway. “I’ll remember that.”

Of course, Maddie didn’t have anyone to send out in the middle of the night. Not that it really mattered—the two pizza places in town closed at ten.

As Nick pulled onto the street, he said, “If you’re not too tired, there’s something I’d like to show you.”

Maddie hesitated. She was tired, wasn’t she?

“Come on, Mads,” Nick prodded. “It’ll only take a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Maddie rested her head against the back of the seat, giving in to that part of herself that wasn’t quite ready to end the evening. “But stop calling me Mads.”

They rode in silence as Nick headed toward the outskirts of town and turned onto a gravel road leading into the foothills. The road hadn’t been there when Maddie lived in Felton, but before they’d gone far, she had a fair idea where they were going. Eventually, Nick drove the truck into a clearing at the top of a hill and killed the engine.

Silence stretched out around them, dark and soft as the night itself. Below, Felton nestled into the fold of the hill, its lights nothing more than distant pinpoints in the valley below. Above, a blanket of stars covered the heavens.

“Do you know where we are?” Nick’s whispered question rippled through the stillness.

Maddie opened the truck door and climbed out, circling to the front of the truck. Nick followed her. “Our place,” she said as a rush of warm tears and memories swelled within her.

Nick leaned against the hood next to her. “I was afraid you’d forgotten.”

“Forgotten.” Maddie glanced at him and then quickly turned away. “How could I forget? I lost my virginity on this hill.” Then she turned to him again because she had no choice. “And I fell in love.”

Nick sighed and reached down to take her hand. “Me, too.”

Then what happened?she wanted to ask. Why did you turn to someone else the moment I left town? Why did you let Diana come between us? But she couldn’t ask those questions. No more than she could have asked them sixteen years ago. Instead, she turned back to stare into the darkness.

After a while she said, “When did they put in the road?”

“About a year ago.” He paused, then, “I had it done.”

“You?” Maddie shifted sideways to study him. “Why?”

“This is my land.” He turned to meet her gaze, and it was all she could do to keep from backing up. There was an intensity in his expression that unnerved her. “I bought it years ago, before I could even afford the payments.”

Maddie shook her head. “Why?”

Nick shrugged and looked away. “Who knows? For the memories maybe. To keep somebody else from buying it and putting up condos or something. Who knows?” After a few moments he added, “I come here whenever I need to get away.”

Confusion lodged in Maddie’s heart. Nick’s words implied so much while saying so little. Could she trust her instincts? Or should she ask him to explain? Their sixteen years apart won out.

“Nick, why aren’t you building your house on this hill?”

At first, she thought he wouldn’t answer. When he finally spoke, she could barely hear him. “Because Diana never belonged here.”

Maddie fell into a stunned silence. To hear Nick say the words she’d asked for, to know that she’d held a place in his heart all these years, left her puzzled and saddened. She turned away because she couldn’t look at him any longer without throwing herself at him and demanding an explanation.

“Maybe we should go,” Nick said.

Maddie nodded and moved toward the door of the truck, but stopped with her hand on the handle. She’d almost missed it, the small flutter in her stomach, almost like a gas bubble. Then it came again, harder, and she pressed her hands to her stomach. “Nick.”

Her alarm must have shown on her face, because Nick was at her side in a moment. “What’s wrong?”

Swiveling to face him, Maddie grabbed his hand and pressed it to her stomach. Then they both felt it. “The baby’s kicking,” Maddie said, and looked up to see her own wonder reflected in Nick’s eyes. It wasn’t the first time she’d felt the odd sensation, but it was the first time she’d realized what it was. It came again and Maddie started laughing. “I can’t believe it. Can you feel her?”

“Yeah.” Nick broke into a smile of his own. “What makes you think it’s not a ‘he’?”

“I just have a feeling.” Then she clutched her stomach again. It was harder this time. “Oh, she’s getting rambunctious.”

Nick laughed and put another hand on Maddie’s belly. “Come on, sweetheart,” he coaxed. “Let us know you’re in there.”

Maddie giggled. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one she’s kicking.”

The baby kicked again. “That’s right, sweetheart. We’re out here waiting for you.”

Maddie laughed at the absurdity of having four hands pressed to her belly. Nick lifted his gaze to look into her eyes, and the laughter died in her throat. For a moment, the world stood still, and everything else faded away. Everything except Nick, with his deep blue eyes, pulling her into their depths.

He lowered his head, brushing her lips with his. His touch stirred her heart, searching for an ember of the love that had once lived within her. It lasted only a moment. Then panic seized her and she nearly bolted. But he shifted his hands to cradle her face, and she lost all desire to flee. The warmth in his eyes held her, calmed her, rendered her beyond thought. Then he kissed her again. Only this time, he pulled her close, sliding his hands down her back as he coaxed her lips to open beneath his.

It seemed an eternity before he released her. “Oh, Maddie,” he murmured as he rested his forehead against hers. “It’s been so long.”

She melted into his embrace. No one had ever felt quite as right as Nick. The familiarity of his embrace nearly overwhelmed her. Along with the differences. The width of his shoulders and the strength in his arms told her he was no longer a boy. But his warmth was the same, as was the gentle way he held her, as if she were a piece of fine porcelain that might shatter if he held her too tight.

Had he held Diana, his wife, this way?

The question brought her back to her senses and she pulled away.

“Maddie?”

He tried to draw her back into the circle of his arms, but she shook her head and pushed against him.

“This shouldn’t have happened, Nick,” she said, and took another step backward, coming up against the door of the truck. “Take me home now.”

“Maddie, please.”

She wouldn’t look at him. She couldn’t. So she turned and reached for the door handle. “Just take me home.”

“Look at me.” Snagging her arm, Nick turned her to face him, holding on to her upper arms. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice a soft whisper. Her panic receded and she lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. “I don’t know what got into me.”

Maddie cut off his words by pressing her fingers to his lips. “It’s okay, Nick. We were caught up in the moment. The moonlight. Old memories. The baby. That’s all.” She hesitated. “Let’s just forget it happened.”

Nick wanted to argue with her. He couldn’t forget how it had felt to kiss her again. It was as if he’d been asleep for the past sixteen years and had suddenly awakened in her arms. But he knew Maddie didn’t want to hear any of that. Not now. Maybe not ever. So he nodded, opened the door to his truck, and helped her into the cab.

When they pulled up in front of her house, they sat quietly for a few moments. Finally Nick broke the silence. “Maddie, I’m sorry.”

“I was wrong,” she said.

He studied her profile, his heart filled with a sudden hope that crashed around him with her next words.

“I think it’s best if we don’t spend any more time together.”

“Don’t, Maddie.” He reached over and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away and turned to look at him.

“We’re both too vulnerable right now. You miss your wife.”

“Maddie, don’t do this.”

“And me.” She sighed. “I’m in love with someone else.”

Her words tightened around his heart. Yet he’d known there was someone else, someone she cared enough about to have his child. Well, where was the bastard?

Maddie opened her door, and Nick snapped back to the moment. He started to open his own door, but she stopped him. “Don’t.” She climbed out of the cab and turned back to him before heading into the house. “This is for the best, Nick. Goodbye.”

He watched her walk away until she disappeared inside. He sat there for several minutes fighting the urge to go after her, to ask the questions ricocheting through his mind. Where was this man who’d won Maddie’s love and loyalty? Why the hell wasn’t he here with her?

Finally, he started the truck and headed north into the mountains. Going home was out of the question. He wouldn’t be able to sleep. He’d only toss and turn until his thoughts drove him from his bed. He couldn’t even go back up to his hill. The place no longer belonged solely to him. Maddie had once again staked her claim on it. And he knew he’d never be able to go there again without remembering the bittersweet torture of the past hour.

For a few brief moments, things were as they should have been between them. They were happy. He’d felt Maddie’s baby kick within her. But he’d forgotten that the child belonged to another man. That Maddie belonged to another man. Then he’d kissed her, and nothing had ever felt more right. He loved her. He’d never stopped.

And now it was too late.

With his thoughts whirling through his mind, there was nowhere left for him but the mountains, the night, and hours of mindless driving that would push him to the edge of exhaustion.