Where the Heart Is by Patricia Keelyn

CHAPTER NINE

For the next week, Maddie ran on pure adrenaline. Giving in to the urge to fix up her house, she threw herself into the work with a vengeance. She talked to carpenters and painters, carpet layers and paper hangers. She planned her baby’s nursery and redesigned her outdated kitchen to make it more spacious.

When she wasn’t busy with her house, she tormented Carl Katz. She took him computer shopping and helped him pick out a system that would replace his antiquated typewriter and pay for itself in a matter of months. Then she set about studying the business aspects of putting out a newspaper like the Felton Finder, gaining an understanding of its problems so she could present some reasonable solutions.

By Saturday, she’d begun to calm down. Much of her anger had been washed away by long hard-working days and restless nights. She’d gone over the conversation between herself and Nick a hundred times in her mind, changing her responses, stabbing him with words she wished she’d said.

Then, in her last few waking moments on Saturday night, her thoughts shifted. Not once during the week had she thought about any of this from Nick’s perspective. Not once had she reminded herself that Nick’s marriage to Diana bad taken place sixteen years ago, and that at the time, all three of them had been little more than children—just a couple of years older than Nick’s son, Jon. The thought disturbed her. Almost as much as the erratic anger she’d lived with this past week.

After seeing things in a different light, Maddie thought about calling Nick at least half a dozen times a day. It wasn’t that she’d forgiven him, she told herself. She just wanted to talk to him. So much had been left unsaid, and she was tired of secrets. She wanted everything out in the open. She wanted to understand what had happened.

Still, she didn’t call him. She couldn’t have said exactly why, but something kept her from picking up the phone. Maybe it was as simple as not knowing what to say, or as complicated as not wanting to hear any more truths. Maybe there really wasn’t anything left for the two of than to discuss. Maybe they’d already said too much.

On a Sunday morning two weeks after she’d last talked to Nick, Maddie woke to warm sunshine streaming through her windows. Sitting up in bed, she stretched, feeling better than she had in days. She’d finally had a good night’s sleep and suspected it was because she’d been too exhausted to do anything else.

Slipping from bed, she walked over to the full-length mirror and turned sideways, smoothing her nightgown over her growing stomach. “Good morning, Baby.” She rubbed her tummy and smiled. Another week and she’d be five months along—past the halfway mark. “I guess I’ve been a little negligent these last weeks. Well, today, we’ll take it easy.”

For the first time in days, she didn’t rush. She took a long hot shower and then dressed, donning a new maternity outfit she’d been saving for a special occasion. She had nothing planned for the day, but she felt good and wanted to look good, as well.

When she was ready, she looked at herself in the mirror one more time. The voluminous top and stretch maternity leggings still hid her expanding middle, but she knew that would soon change. The woman in the maternity shop had told Maddie that this particular set might not be large enough for the later months of her pregnancy. But the cobalt blue top brought out her coloring, so she’d bought it anyway.

As she made her way downstairs, she remembered how she’d always loved Sundays as a girl. It had been Adelia’s day out of the house, visiting her friends and making the rounds of Felton’s social circuit. That meant it was Maddie’s time with her father.

For most of the day, the two of them had been free to pursue one adventure after another. They’d read together in the backyard under the old elm tree or explore the woods outside town. It had never mattered to Maddie what they did, as long as she was with her father.

It had been on one of their Sundays together that she’d gotten separated from her father and ended up lost in the middle of a thunderstorm. She recalled her recent conversation with her mother about that episode, but quickly pushed the thought aside. It was too nice a day to fret about something that happened a long time ago.

Suddenly, she knew how she wanted to spend her day. Since coming home to Felton, she’d avoided visiting her father’s grave. Before she’d gone away to college, when his death had been like an open wound in her heart, she’d spent every Sunday there. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought to go out there since coming home.

She ate a quick breakfast and then headed out, stopping only to pick up a large bouquet of bright yellow daisies.

The cemetery occupied five acres on the outskirts of town. As a child, Maddie had feared it as a place of ghouls and goblins and unspeakable horrors. But when her father had been laid to rest there, it had become a place of unbearable grief. Now, time and distance allowed her to see it differently. In the bright spring sunshine, it was a place of peace. The quiet rolling hills seemed to harmonize with the massive trees standing guard.

She parked near her father’s family plot and got out of the car. Slowly, she made her way along a dirt path, stopping to read a headstone here or there. At last she came to her father’s grave and laid the handful of daisies on the grassy mound, waiting for the tears.

Instead, a sense of calm stole over her. Closing her eyes, she felt her father’s presence in the depths of her soul. She’d buried him years ago, but had never let him go. The time had come. Her eyes moistened and her throat constricted, but not from grief. Peace had crept into her heart.

Later, perhaps hours or mere minutes, Maddie didn’t know, she turned to leave. But she was in no rush to get home. She walked among the graves, relishing the tranquility she’d found here. When she finally returned to her car, she noticed that she wasn’t alone. Across the road and up the hill, Jon Ryan sat in the grass by a small headstone.

She didn’t know whether to stay or leave. For a moment, she stood watching him, her thoughts returning to her own adolescence, to the hours she’d spent sitting beside her father’s grave. How many times had she ached for someone to ease her grief? How many times had she longed, deep in her heart, for a comforting word, for someone to hold her while she wept?

In the end, the lone figure drew her, and she found herself heading up the hill. Jon glanced at her as she approached and closed the notebook in his lap. Without speaking, Maddie sat down on the grass next to him.

“What do you want?” he asked. His voice held no rancor, only a quiet desperation.

“You looked like you could use some company.”

Jon met her gaze for a brief moment and then stared at the ground. “I’d rather be alone.”

Maddie knew it wasn’t true. “I came to visit my father.” When Jon didn’t say anything, she added, “I used to come every Sunday when I lived in Felton.”

For several moments, Jon didn’t respond. Then he asked, “When did he die?”

“A long time ago.” Maddie sat cross-legged and rested her elbows on her knees. “I was twelve.”

“My mom died when I was thirteen.”

“Yes. I know.”

“It was so stupid.” Jon pulled at the grass in front of him, tossing the torn blades aside. “She shouldn’t have died.”

“I know.”

Maddie didn’t know what else to say. She’d felt the same way about her father’s death, though the circumstances had been different. Davis Aims had died of a brain embolism that no one could have seen coming. How much harder it must be for Jon, whose mother had died needlessly in a car accident.

“I loved my father more than anyone in the world,” she said, wanting to reach through this boy’s grief. “After he died, I used to spend every Sunday here, talking to him, telling him all my problems.”

“Do you think he heard you?”

Maddie smiled. “I think he heard every word.”

“Do you still miss him?”

“Terribly.” Maddie hesitated. “But it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.”

“I miss my mom a lot.” She heard Jon sigh, “Somehow, I feel closer to her here.”

“You’ll always miss her.” Maddie reached out a hand, but at the last moment stopped herself from brushing her fingers against the boy’s cheek. “It won’t ever stop hurting, Jon. But it will get easier. I promise.”

He shifted his head to look at her, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

She wanted to take him in her arms and tell him it was okay to cry, and if he’d been a girl, she might have tried it. But this stoic young man, so much like his father, wouldn’t allow her to comfort him. Maybe Diana would have been able to get away with it, but Maddie was still a stranger. She struggled to her feet. “Can I give you a ride home?”

Jon took a moment to answer. “Okay.” Standing, he threw one last look at his mother’s tombstone before following Maddie down the hill to her car.

Maddie smiled at the resiliency of youth when Jon caught sight of her bright red Porsche. “Wow!” he said. “Awesome car.”

“Thanks.” Maddie smiled and unlocked the door. “Get in.”

Jon climbed in, obviously taken with the plush leather seats. “When we lived in Atlanta, one of my friends’ dad had a black Porsche.”

“Oh, yeah? Did you like it?”

“He never let any of the kids ride in it.”

“How old are you?” Maddie asked as she started the engine.

“Fifteen. I’ll be sixteen in the fall.”

Maddie turned the car around and headed toward the cemetery gates. “If I’m still around when you get your license, you can drive this one.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Why not? It’s just a car.”

“Yeah, about seventy-five thousand dollars’ worth of car,” he said, awe in his voice.

Maddie smiled at his enthusiasm. “It’s insured. And I know your father wouldn’t let you drive unless you were insured, too. So what’s the big deal?”

Jon didn’t have an answer for that.

Maddie glanced at him again and saw the huge grin on his face. Evidently, she’d just blown him away. It was a start. But a start at what she couldn’t say.

“So where do you live?” Jon asked. “I mean, when you’re not in Felton.”

“I’ve lived all over. But for the past three years I’ve been in Miami.”

“Mom and I went to Miami Beach once.”

“Did you like it?”

Jon hesitated as if considering his answer carefully. “The beach was pretty cool. But there were a lot of old people. I mean, like Gramps’ age.”

Maddie laughed. “Yep, that sounds like south Florida.”

“Where else have you lived?” Jon asked, turning sideways in his seat.

“Well,” Maddie thought back to all the places she’d called home, “I started off at the University of Georgia in Athens. But I left there to go to Northwestern after my first year.”

“That’s in Chicago, right?”

“Evanston, really. Which is a suburb north of Chicago. After I got out of school, I lived in San Francisco for a few years. Then Seattle. And finally Miami.”

“How come you moved so much?”

“The company I work for has offices on both coasts. I went wherever the next promotion took me.”

“So, what do you do?”

Maddie couldn’t believe this stuff interested him. “I’m a consultant for a firm specializing in international business.”

“Do you like it?”

That was a good question. She’d never thought about it before coming back to Felton, but meeting and talking to Carl Katz had made her question the occupation she’d chosen.

“Yeah,” she said. “I guess I like it.” Actually, she figured her true feelings about her job were pretty neutral. She didn’t love her work, but she didn’t hate it, either. It was just what she did. “It pays well, anyway.”

“Yeah! Look at this car.”

Maddie laughed. The car had been an extravagance. One she’d often wondered about herself.

“So, have you been all over the world?” Jon asked.

“Well, not exactly.” Maddie pulled up in front of Jon’s house, but he seemed almost reluctant to get out. “But I have traveled overseas quite a bit.”

“Like where?”

Maddie had no idea Jon could be this talkative, but she decided she liked it. “London, Paris, Tokyo, Berlin. I’ve spent time in all the major industrial cities.”

He seemed to consider this information for a moment and then asked, “So, how are you going to do all that after your baby comes?”

“You really know how to cut right to the core of things, don’t you?”

Jon blushed. “Sorry. Mom always said I asked too many questions.”

Maddie laughed lightly, again fighting off the urge to reach over and touch him. “I don’t mind. Tell you what, why don’t you stop by my house after school one day and I’ll show you all the stuff I brought home from overseas? I’ll answer more of your questions then.”

“Okay.” Jon grinned and climbed out of the car. “Hey, thanks, Maddie. You’re okay.”

She smiled as she watched him walk away. She liked Nick’s son. He was bright and inquisitive, attributes he’d hidden the night she’d had dinner with him and his father. Thoughts of Nick brought a wave of guilt, and she glanced toward the house. She should call him. What was she waiting for?

Then she thought about the kiss they’d shared the night she’d first felt the baby kick. Just the memory sent her heart racing. What would have happened if she hadn’t backed away that night? The question made her reconsider her reasons for not calling him. Maybe those reasons had nothing to do with finding out the truth. Maybe she was just afraid of losing her heart again.

From an upstairs window, Nick watched Maddie’s car disappear around the bend at the end of his street.

When she’d first pulled up outside, he thought she’d come over to talk. Then Jon had climbed out of her car, smiling and waving goodbye, and a rush of jealousy washed over him. The worst part was, he couldn’t say of whom he was more jealous, Jon for spending time with Maddie, or Maddie for being able to pull a smile from his son.

For the past couple of weeks, he’d expected to hear from her. He’d figured that once she calmed down, she’d want to talk. But the days had gone by, and she hadn’t called.

Nick turned away from the window and headed for the stairs. He was curious to know where Jon had been all day and why he’d come home with Maddie. He heard the front door slam as the boy entered the house, but as Nick approached the top of the stairs, he thought he heard his son whistling. Stopping, he listened carefully. After a few minutes, he decided he’d been wrong. Still, he changed his mind about going downstairs and returned to his office.

But the question plagued him for the rest of the day. Had it actually been whistling he’d heard from Jon, the same boy who’d hardly smiled in the past eighteen months?

The first flowers arrived on Monday. Yellow daisies. Even without a note, Maddie knew who’d sent them. Nick knew her weaknesses, and yellow daisies were one of her worst. On Tuesday, it was gooey-butter cake. She moaned as she opened the gift-wrapped box, which she’d found on her front porch under her morning newspaper. Wednesday, she found a huge yellow-and-white teddy bear on her porch swing when she got home from Collier’s grocery. She smiled as she carried the stuffed toy into the house and wondered what Nick would think of next. But Thursday went by with no more surprises, and Maddie figured Nick had given up. Or run out of ideas.

It was for the best she told herself, even as she fought her disappointment. Then, at seven forty-five, her cell chimed at an incoming text, and Maddie’s heart leapt. Suppressing the joy that threatened to burst forth, she read: maddie, turn on wluv channel 98.5 at exactly 8 p.m.

She couldn’t get to the radio fast enough. At exactly eight o’clock she sat on the couch, hugging a pillow as the voice on the radio announced that Thursday was the night for lovers. “And our first song is dedicated to Mads. Well, I sure hope she’s listening, because this one’s an oldie but goodie.”

As the first bars of John Denver’s “Annie’s Song” filtered into her living room, tears trickled from her eyes. Their song. Hers and Nick’s. Even after all these years, every time she heard that melody, it reminded her of him.

Friday, she was bombarded with yellow roses. Dozens of them. They arrived all day long, from florists all over the county, until she lost track of how many times she’d gone to the door to accept yet another delivery.

Saturday, the doorbell rang early. In a picnic basket, someone had packed everything needed for breakfast in bed. Fruit and freshly baked croissants, coffee, milk and orange juice, a morning newspaper, a single red rose, and a note saying the champagne would be delivered after the baby was born.

Sunday morning, she awoke to a delicate tinkling sound that continuously changed in pitch. She climbed out of bed, charmed by the sweet melody, and went in search of the source. She found it outside, along with a thousand particles of colored light dancing across her front porch. Wind chimes. A dozen prisms hung at various levels from a circle of blown glass, gently singing in the breeze while tossing rainbows to the wind.

Maddie thought she’d never seen anything more beautiful, and if Nick had shown up at that moment, she knew she’d be lost. As it was, she could barely keep herself from calling him.

So, by the time she walked into the clinic on Monday morning for her five-month checkup, she thought nothing else Nick could do would surprise her. Still, she gave a start when she heard her name, spoken as soft as a caress.

“Maddie?”

Looking up from the magazine on her lap, Maddie’s heart jumped at the sight of him. She should have guessed he’d ambush her here. “Hello, Nick.”

He scanned her from head to toe, his gaze finally coming to rest on hers. “You look …”

“Pregnant?” she supplied.

“Yes.” He grinned. “Pregnant and lovely.”

Maddie’s face heated and she looked away, wondering at this man’s power over her. Here she was, a thirty-three-year-old woman, blushing at a simple compliment.

“Do you have a few minutes?” he asked.

Maddie glanced at the other two patients, who seemed a little too interested in their conversation. “I’m sure Dr. Eagen will be looking for me soon.”

“That’s okay.” Nick moved up beside her and took her arm, helping her out of the chair. “We’ll tell him where to find you.” Maddie had little choice but to go along.

“Bette,” he said, as the door to the waiting room closed behind them. “Maddie and I will be in my office for a few minutes. Let us know when Ted’s ready to see her.”

“Sure thing, Dr. Ryan.”

Nick walked Maddie back to his office. Once inside, he closed the door and motioned toward one of the chairs on the other side of his desk.

“That was pretty smooth, Dr. Ryan,” Maddie said as she took the chair he’d indicated. “Now I know how it feels to be spirited away.”

Nick propped himself on the corner of his desk. “A man could grow old waiting for a woman like you to call him.”

Maddie met his gaze. “And a woman could suffer a broken heart loving the wrong man.”

“Is yours?” Nick crossed his arms. “Broken, that is?”

“Not anymore.”

Nick studied her. He’d asked more than the words had implied. He wanted more from her than simple conversation. And she was tempted to give it to him.

“Five months, isn’t it?” he said, breaking the silence.

Maddie leaned back in her chair and glanced around the cluttered office. “I have a feeling you know pretty much everything there is to know about my pregnancy, Nick.”

“I keep up with Dr. Eagen’s patients.” Nick grinned.

Maddie shook her head, unable to stop a chuckle. He was incorrigible.

“It’s hard to believe you’ve only been back in town for eight weeks,” Nick said. “I can hardly remember when you weren’t here.”

It took a moment, but Maddie steeled herself against the sincerity of his words. “Enough, Nick.” She started to stand, but he held up his hands in mock surrender, and she settled back into the chair.

“I’ll behave,” he said. Although why she should believe him was beyond her. He’d never behaved in his life. “How’s the baby doing?”

Maddie sighed and shook her head. “Kicking up a storm.”

Nick’s gaze drifted to the swell of her stomach, and the memory of the night they’d first felt the baby kick suddenly sharpened in her mind. He lifted his gaze to hers, and she recognized the memory in his eyes as well.

She glanced away.

Nick pushed off the desk and went to sit in his chair. “Jon told me you gave him a ride the other day,” he said. She thought she detected a slight tremble in his voice.

She was about to mention finding Jon at the cemetery but changed her mind. “He got a kick out of my car.”

“What fifteen-year-old wouldn’t? As a matter of fact, I know one thirty-three-year-old who thinks it’s pretty neat.”

“I told Jon he could drive it.”

Nick lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

“When he’s sixteen,” Maddie added. “If I’m still here.”

Her statement seemed to sober him. That was good. Nick needed to be reminded that she wasn’t staying in Felton indefinitely.

“Nick,” she said, leaning forward in her chair, “please don’t send anything more to my house. It’s too much.” He started to say something, but she held up her hand to stop him. “I appreciate the thought behind the gifts. You made me smile and you made me cry, but …”

“Why haven’t you called?”

At least they weren’t dancing around the issue any longer. “I was angry.”

“But not anymore.”

“No. Not anymore.”

He stood and came around to the front of the desk again. “Maddie, we need to talk.”

She looked into his eyes and thought how easy it would be to agree. “There’s nothing to say, Nick.”

“There’s a lot to say.”

Maddie shook her head, though her heart screamed at her to let him into her life. Nick could fill all the empty places within her. He could make her forget. “Please try and understand, Nick. There’s too much going on in my life right now, too much that’s unsettled. I can’t continue to fight you off, but I can’t accept what you’re offering, either.”

“I’m not asking for anything, Maddie.”

“Yes, you are.”

He glanced away, but not before she saw the turmoil in his eyes. “Please, Nick. If I ever meant anything to you—” he brought his gaze back to hers “—let me go.”

Nick reached down to grasp her hands and pull her to her feet. She didn’t protest. She’d told him what she wanted, what she needed. It was up to him to abide by her wishes—or ignore than. “Do you forgive me, Maddie?”

“Forgive you?”

“For Diana.”

Maddie sighed and brought her hands up to his face, rubbing her knuckles against his cheek. “I think maybe there’s nothing to forgive.” She saw the relief flood his eyes. “We were children. All of us. You did the best you could.”

Nick brought their joined hands to his lips and brushed her fingers with his lips. “Thank you.”

He kept his eyes locked on hers, making her want to fall in love with him all over again.

“I’ve always loved you, Maddie,” he said. “If you ever need anything, I’ll be here for you.” He lowered their hands and leaned over, brushing her mouth lightly with his lips. Then he released her and stepped away.

For a moment, Maddie fought an overwhelming urge to step into his arms. Then she closed her eyes and remembered why she couldn’t. Even if she could bring herself to forget the past and trust Nick again, it was too soon. She’d just put Roger behind her. She needed time to get her life back together. She wasn’t ready to start another relationship—especially one with Nick, who’d already broken her heart once.