Where the Heart Is by Patricia Keelyn

CHAPTER EIGHT

Maddie sat curled beneath an afghan in the bedroom that had been hers for the two short years she’d lived with her father. There was comfort here. More than any place she’d ever lived, this room belonged to her. But even here, she couldn’t hide from the truths the evening had revealed.

Nick still had the power to hurt her.

Sitting in the dark, she could still taste his lips on hers, feel the long-dead feelings his touch had awakened. It would have been so easy to let herself go with him, to forget the past and everything that had happened between them. To forget Roger.

But for how long? And at what price?

Right now, Nick needed her as much as she needed him. The two of them together had always been stronger than apart. They were drawn to each other by the missing pieces in their lives. But what would happen when those missing pieces no longer yawned like gaping holes in their souls?

She couldn’t risk it.

Once she’d believed that Nick would always love her. She’d paid for that mistake dearly. Nor could she trust her own emotions while she was so vulnerable. What if she gave Nick her heart, only to discover that she’d used him to run from the pain of losing Roger? She couldn’t pretend, by leaning on Nick, that Roger hadn’t hurt her.

Her cell phone chimed a familiar tune. A quick glance at the clock told her it was just before midnight. A little late for a call, she thought irritably. It chimed again, but she hesitated to answer it. On the third chime, she unfolded herself from the rocker and slowly crossed the room to where she’d left it on the dresser. On the fourth chime, she answered. “Hello.”

“Maddie?” The familiar male voice spoke to her across miles of space and months of loneliness. Although she knew who it was on the line, she couldn’t bring herself to respond. They hadn’t spoken since the night Maddie had called him. “Maddie, are you there?”

She found her voice. “Yes, Roger. I’m here.”

“I know it’s late.” His voice held no apology. “Did I wake you?”

“No. I wasn’t sleeping.”

“You don’t sound like yourself. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine.” Maddie sank onto the edge of the bed, her hand going automatically to her rounded stomach. “We’re both fine. What do you want?”

She heard his momentary hesitation, something totally out of character. But then again, so had been the tone of her voice. “I accepted the offer on the condo today. I hope you’re not going to cause any problems about it.” When she didn’t say anything, he prodded, “Maddie, are you there?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to call back in the morning?” There was no mistaking his irritation now. He’d allocated this time to talk to her about the sale of their condominium, and he expected her to comply with his timetable.

“No. Now is fine.”

“Did you hear what I told you?”

“Yes, Roger.” Impatience and irritation crept into her voice, as well. “You said you accepted the offer on the condo.”

“And we set a closing date.” Again, there was a split-second pause before he added, “There’s no need for you to come down. If you sign a limited power of attorney, I can manage the closing without you.”

He didn’t even want to see her. Bitterness washed through her, souring her words. “Since that’s the way you want it, send me the paperwork.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know how much we got?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, really.” His voice took on a patronizing tone that sent ribbons of resentment down Maddie’s spine. “That’s a rather irresponsible attitude, don’t you think?”

Maddie choked back a surge of hysterical laughter. “I’m being irresponsible? That’s rich, Roger.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” He did righteous indignation so well.

“You figure it out.”

“If you’re referring to your child …”

“I’m referring to our child, Roger.”

She heard his long-suffering sigh. “Don’t start, Maddie. We’ve already been over this. I need time.”

“Time and space. Yes, I know.” Anger washed through her—hot cleansing anger. “And no, I don’t care what you got for the condo. Just send me my half.” She cut him off, barely resisting the urge to throw the phone across the room. Instead, she shut if off so she wouldn’t know if he tried to call back. Not tonight anyway.

It took a moment for the rush of adrenaline to subside, for the anger churning within her to ease. Suddenly she began to shiver. Pushing herself back onto the bed, she leaned against the headboard and pulled a comforter around her.

Damn him. “Damn him,” she said aloud.

She thought of Nick. Her hand strayed to the silent phone. One call and he’d be at her side. Quickly, she pulled her hand back. It would be too easy to go to Nick, too easy to forget her pain in his arms.

She couldn’t do it.

She wouldn’t rely on anyone else to get her through this. It was her problem and she’d face it alone.

Hours later, she fell into an exhausted sleep. But when she awoke late Saturday morning, she felt surprisingly clearheaded. Sometime during the night, the truth had become so obvious that she couldn’t believe it had taken her this long to see it.

Her relationship with Roger was over.

Actually, it had been over the day he’d told her he wasn’t sure he wanted their child. She was through waiting for him, through loving a man who couldn’t love her in return. Climbing out of bed, she felt strangely energetic, as if just making the decision had given her a new outlook.

Looking back, she realized that her feelings for Roger had been dying ever since she’d come back to Felton—maybe even before that. But she’d had to get away from him to see it. Not that it really mattered. What mattered was that she now realized that marrying him would have been a mistake. She would have doomed herself and her child to a loveless home. Better for her to raise her child alone.

She glanced at the table next to her bed where she’d left the notebooks she’d found in the attic. She’d been going through them slowly since she’d brought them downstairs. She picked up the top one and flipped it open to the last entry. It had been written the day before she’d left for college. Turning the page over, she put today’s date at the top. She was tired of reading about the life she’d once lived and the dreams she’d once held. It was time to start writing again. Time to start living.

When Nick finally rolled out of bed the next morning, he thanked God it was Saturday. He’d driven for hours last night, getting home well past four. Then he’d thrown himself across his bed and fallen into an exhausted slumber. Going to the clinic this morning would have been impossible.

Downstairs, he found Jon standing at the kitchen counter, eating a bowl of cereal while The X-Men graced the television set with their exploits. Nick wondered when the boy would outgrow cartoons. Then he remembered how he used to like watching them with Jon when he was small, before the pressures of medical school had made it impossible.

Actually, he and Jon used to enjoy doing a lot of things together: baseball, hiking, even an occasional wrestling class at the club. Where had all that gone? It was too easy to blame everything on Diana’s death, when in truth, he and his son had started drifting apart long before that. About the time they moved to Felton.

Grabbing a bowl and the cereal box, Nick headed for the kitchen table. “You should sit to eat.”

Jon glanced up as if just noticing his father had entered the room. “I like standing.”

Nick frowned but let it go. A few minutes later, Jon carried his bowl over to the table and sat, turning the chair so he could still see the television. Nick nodded his approval, while thinking to himself that he’d have preferred a childish outburst to the infernal silence and grudging compliance.

“What did you think of Maddie?” Nick asked, keeping the tone of his voice nonchalant.

Jon shrugged and kept his eyes on the television. “She’s okay.”

“What were the two of you talking about before I came down?”

Jon looked up, his defenses momentarily crumbling. “She said I looked like Mom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Jon turned back to his cartoons. “Something about the shape of my eyes and my cheekbones.”

Though his heart ached for his son, Nick struggled to keep the conversation light. “At least someone agrees with me. Maddie always did have an eye for detail.”

“I guess.”

The cartoon faded into a commercial, and Jon picked up his bowl and carried it to the sink. “Are you dating her or something?” he asked, surprising Nick.

“Would that bother you?”

Jon shrugged, keeping his back to Nick as he rinsed out his dish and put it in the dishwasher.

Studying the rigid set of Jon’s shoulders, Nick tried to decide what to say about his relationship with Maddie. He couldn’t lie. Too many people in Felton knew about the friendship he and Maddie had shared. But he couldn’t tell Jon everything, either. Their relationship was already too tenuous. Nick didn’t think the boy could deal with his father having feelings for any woman other than his mother at the moment.

“We dated in high school,” Nick said finally. “Before I started seeing your mother. But that was a long time ago. Now Maddie and I are just friends.”

Jon nodded and turned back to the television. On the surface at least, he seemed to accept Nick at his word. But who could tell with the boy anymore? Nick searched for something else to say that would keep Jon talking. “Selba told me you were helping Anna Banks with algebra yesterday afternoon.”

“Yeah,” Jon answered, without looking at his father. “She’s not very good at math.”

“It’s nice of you to work with her.”

“It’s nothing.” Again, Jon shrugged, and Nick wondered if the boy’s shoulders ever got tired of the motion. “Easy stuff.”

“Maybe for you. But not everybody has your talent with numbers.”

“I guess.”

Nick sighed with frustration. Talking to Jon was like pulling teeth. The boy’s vocabulary had been reduced to a dozen noncommittal words and phrases. Nick wondered what had ever happened to the bright kid who used to chatter nonstop. Glancing at the TV, Nick considered turning it off. But then, what would they say to each other? The last time Jon had said more than a few sentences, he’d blamed his father for Diana’s death. Nick didn’t think he was ready to listen to that again.

Rising from his chair, Nick put his dishes in the sink and wandered outside. Diana had insisted on the deck. It was one of the few things she’d added to this house that he’d agreed with. He often came out here when he didn’t have a lot of time and needed a few minutes alone. Looking out at the mountains to the north, he could almost pick out the spot where he’d kissed Maddie last night.

Lowering himself into one of the deck chairs, he let his thoughts shift from Jon to Maddie. In all his hours of driving last night, he’d come to one conclusion. Despite Maddie’s request that he leave her alone, he couldn’t let their relationship stand as they’d left it last night.

If nothing else, he owed her an apology.

She’d offered friendship, a shoulder to lean on, and he’d pushed for more. Once again, he’d taken advantage of her vulnerability. Only this time, he wasn’t a hormone-driven teenager. He was a grown man who’d already hurt too many people.

But more than an apology, he owed her the truth.

It was past time he told Maddie what had happened all those years ago. He knew it wouldn’t make any difference to her now. It was too late for the two of them. She’d given her heart to someone else. But she deserved to know why he’d married the wrong woman.

Maddie’s good mood remained with her even when she arrived at her mother’s house on Sunday afternoon. Usually she dreaded these dinners with Adelia. This was the third Sunday in a row she’d spent at her mother’s house, and she still couldn’t figure out why her mother insisted Maddie come every week. Or why she went along with the charade.

She’d have liked to believe her mother was sincerely interested in her health, but she didn’t buy it. More likely, Adelia wanted to see Maddie for propriety’s sake. After all, how would it look if people knew Adelia never saw her pregnant daughter who lived across town? Yet, even as Maddie decided her mother hadn’t changed in the past sixteen years, something else told her she was being too hard on Adelia.

As always, Frances answered the door, smiling and greeting Maddie warmly before showing her into her mother’s sitting room.

“Ah, Madeleine, there you are.” Adelia closed the book on her lap and set it on the table next to her chair. “And how are you feeling?”

“Fine, Mother.”

“And your blood pressure?”

“It’s still normal.”

“Good.” Adelia nodded. “Good.”

Maddie figured she could record this conversation and just replay it every Sunday. It would save them the effort of repeating the same words each week. “Frances has prepared a special meal for you.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“Of course it is. You need to keep your blood pressure under control. If you were staying here, Frances could tend to your diet.”

Maddie started to respond but stopped herself. She didn’t want to argue with Adelia tonight. They’d have dinner, talk about whatever mundane topics her mother brought up, and then Maddie would go home. Back to her journal.

As always, dinner proved delicious, despite the cool atmosphere of her mother’s dining room. They’d finished eating and were headed once again toward the parlor when Maddie heard the first rumblings of thunder in the distance. Moving to the windows, she noticed the line of dark clouds moving in quickly from the west.

“It’s that time of year,” her mother said from behind her. “Seems that there’s a storm almost every evening.”

Maddie wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing at the goose bumps that had suddenly appeared on her upper arms. “Maybe I should get going before it hits.”

“Why, we haven’t even had our dessert yet. And Frances has gone to such trouble.”

“But the weather …”

“Don’t tell me you’re still afraid of storms, Madeleine.”

Maddie stiffened at her mother’s words but didn’t answer. Instead, she kept her back to the room, her eyes scanning the darkening sky.

“I’d have thought you’d gotten over that years ago.”

Maddie turned from the windows. “No, I guess I haven’t.”

“Well, don’t blame it on me.” Adelia settled into her chair. “I told Davis to stop coddling you. If he’d listened to me, you would have gotten over it long ago.”

“I was only five, Mother.” Maddie moved to the edge of the drapes and pulled them closed.

“You’re not a child anymore. And look, you’re still afraid of a little thunder and lightning. Ridiculous, if you ask me.”

Maddie turned back to face her mother. “I didn’t.”

Adelia frowned, but Frances entered the room carrying a tray before Maddie could respond. “See, here is your dessert and tea. You can’t disappoint Frances by not trying it.”

Maddie hesitated, wanting to go, yet not sure she was up to outwardly defying her mother’s wishes.

“You could wait it out here, Madeleine.”

Maddie met her mother’s gaze, surprised at the touch of warmth in her mother’s usually cool voice. Was Adelia actually asking her to stay? After a few moments, she nodded and moved across the room to sit opposite her mother.

As Adelia fixed her tea, she said, “Of course, if your father had been paying more attention, you never would have gotten lost that day.”

“It wasn’t Daddy’s fault.”

“No?”

“I’d wandered away from the picnic grounds.” Maddie shivered at the memory of the day she’d run through the woods, lost, in the middle of a thunderstorm. “The storm came in so quickly. I got frightened and ran. I never would have gotten lost otherwise.”

Adelia didn’t say anything, just sipped her tea.

“I was hysterical when Daddy found me.”

Adelia shook her head and put down her cup. “Your father didn’t find you, Madeleine.”

“Yes, he did. I remember him holding me for hours.”

“That was later.” Her mother’s eyes sparked with unreadable emotion. “I found you that day. Down near the river, huddled beneath some trees.”

Maddie started to deny it and then stopped herself. Had it been her mother who’d found her? She couldn’t remember. All she could remember was the thunder and lightning all around her. And she’d wanted her daddy.

“It doesn’t matter,” Adelia said. “Here, drink your tea. When the weather clears up, you can go home.”

Maddie stayed at her mother’s for another couple of hours. They finished their tea and dessert, and then Maddie wandered into the library to browse through her mother’s books. Neither of them broached the subject of Maddie’s fear again, but Maddie couldn’t stop thinking about it. She wondered if it had really been Adelia who’d found her that day. She’d grown up believing it had been her father, crediting him in daughter-like fashion for saving her from the elements. Had it really been her mother? And why did it seem so important that she know?

Evening had settled in by the time Nick arrived at Maddie’s house on Sunday evening, only to find her out. Exhausted from two nights with very little sleep, he stretched out on her porch swing to wait. There were only so many places she could be in Felton. And on a Sunday night, none of them stayed open later than nine.

He must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew someone was standing over him, shaking him awake. “Nick. Wake up.”

Nick blinked and caught hold of the hand nudging his shoulder. “What are you doing here, Mads?”

Maddie shook her head. “I live here, Doc.”

Nick glanced around him. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

“Do you always fall asleep on other people’s porches?”

“No.” Nick yawned and swung his feet down to the floorboards. “This is a first.”

Maddie sat down next to him. “Good thing. Someone else might have had you arrested.”

“In Felton?”

Maddie laughed lightly and leaned back in the swing, pushing gently against the floor. “I guess not. So, what are you doing here?”

“Waiting to talk to you.”

“I thought we’d decided ‘we’ weren’t a good idea.”

Nick hesitated and then asked, “Can I come in?” She turned to look at him in the dim light, her expression unreadable. Nick held his breath. He didn’t want to tell her about Diana out on the front porch.

Finally, Maddie shrugged. “I don’t see that I have much choice in the matter. I can’t very well send you out into the night in your present condition. You might fall asleep at the wheel and run into a fire hydrant or something. Come on.” Maddie stood and offered him her hand. “I’ll make you some coffee.”

Nick took her hand and let her pull him to his feet. “Sounds like a plan.”

“I’ve got some gooey-butter cake inside if you’re hungry.”

Nick smiled at her lightened mood. “Don’t push it, Mads.”

Maddie laughed softly and opened the front door. Dropping her purse on the hall table, she motioned toward the living room. “Go make yourself comfortable. I’ll be with you in a minute.” She disappeared toward the back of the house, and Nick could hear her rummaging around in the kitchen.

He didn’t immediately go into the living room, but stood a moment in the front hallway. The room was as he’d expected, small and cozy, with a worn hardwood floor and braided rug. The staircase rose to his left, its ornate banister worn smooth from generations of hands sliding down its surface. A dozen times in the past few weeks he’d passed this house, wondering what it was like inside, wanting nothing more than to explore every room and absorb the feeling of family.

A few minutes later, Maddie joined him in the living room, juggling two mugs and a bag of cookies. “Sorry,” she said. “I happen to be fresh out of gooey-butter cake. We’ll have to make do with Oreos.”

“Too bad.” Nick stood and took one of the mugs from her hand. “I was really counting on that sickeningly sweet taste to wake me up.”

Maddie grinned as he tasted the coffee. “I hope I got it right. Cream and no sugar?”

“You got it.”

Maddie settled into an armchair, and Nick relaxed on the couch. For a few minutes neither spoke. Finally, Maddie broke the silence. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Nick took a sip of coffee, reluctant to speak now that the time had come. Sitting here with Maddie these past few minutes had felt so good, so right. He wondered how long he’d be welcome in her home after he said what he’d come to say.

“Maddie—” he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees “—we need to talk about Friday night.”

“Please, Nick. We’ve already been over that. It was nothing. We were both feeling nostalgic. The moonlight—”

“No.” The force of Nick’s denial startled even him. Sighing, he lowered his voice. “It wasn’t nostalgia. And it wasn’t the moonlight, either.” He paused again. “Not for me, anyway.”

Maddie went rigid. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I knew what I was doing. I meant to kiss you. I would have kissed you again and Lord knows what else, if you’d have let me.”

“You planned it?”

“No.” Nick shook his head and rested his forehead on the palm of one hand. “I didn’t plan it. But I’m not surprised it happened, either.” Not with the way I feel about you, the way I’ve always felt about you.

“Nick, please. Let’s just—”

“Maddie, there’s something I need to tell you.” He lifted his head to look at her. She was so lovely, with her dark hair and soft gray eyes. In the dim light, she still looked like the girl he’d known and loved. He found it hard to believe that sixteen years had passed. “Something I should have told you a long time ago.”

“There’s already more going on in my life right now than I can deal with.” She abandoned her chair and started to walk away, then stopped and turned back toward him. “I don’t want to wrestle with the past as well.”

Nick stood and closed the distance between them. “Maddie, please. Hear me out.” He reached out and ran his hands over her upper arms. She stiffened, but made no attempt to move away. “Please,” he repeated, and shifted to wrap an arm around her shoulders and lead her back toward the chair.

Maddie sat, her reluctance obvious.

Nick returned to his place on the couch but reached over to take her hands in his. “Do you remember the night I came to see you at the university?” he asked. “The last time we saw each other?”

Maddie nodded, the painful memory of that night brimming in her gray eyes. “You came to tell me that you and Diana had gotten married.”

“Yes.” It still hurt to think about that night. He’d left Maddie without a backward glance, but the pain had been almost more than he could endure. He’d spent the next two days camped out in the woods with a case of bourbon, not caring whether he lived or died. “But you never asked me why.”

“It was none of my business.”

“You and I loved each other,” Nick said. “We’d planned to spend the rest of our lives together. Didn’t you think that made it your business?”

“I assumed …” Maddie’s voice broke, but she took a deep breath and continued. “I assumed it was because you’d fallen in love with Diana. That’s usually why people get married.”

“Diana was pregnant.” For the first time since he’d made her sit and listen to him, Maddie looked up to meet his gaze. The shock in her eyes sent a shaft of fresh pain straight to his heart. “I married Diana because she was pregnant with my child.”

Maddie searched his face as if looking for the truth there. He fought the urge to turn away, hating the confusion he saw in her eyes, knowing he’d caused it. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she finally asked.

Nick sighed and wove his fingers through hers. “I’d promised Diana I wouldn’t tell anyone. She couldn’t deal with anybody in town knowing about her pregnancy. Her father was the only one who knew. He pulled some strings and got me into Emory. The next thing I knew, Diana and I were married and living in Atlanta.”

Nick paused and dropped his gaze to their joined hands. “Diana never knew that I’d come to see you. She would have been furious if she’d found out.”

An interminable silence filled the room, widening the gap between them more surely than all the years they’d spent apart.

“I’m sorry,” Nick said finally. “I thought you should know. And despite Diana’s wishes, I should have told you sooner.”

“How convenient for you.” Maddie pulled her hands from his and abandoned her chair, moving to stand with her back to him. “All these years,” she said as if to herself. She shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. “All these years, I thought you’d stopped loving me.”

“Never.”

She didn’t seem to hear him. “Do you know how long I grieved for you? How many tears I shed?”

“I hurt too, Maddie.” He wanted to take her into his arms and comfort her, but he didn’t dare. Something told him she wouldn’t abide his touch. “For years, I thought of you every single day.”

Suddenly, she turned on him, her eyes flashing like a million shards of ice. “How dare you. How dare you talk to me about how you suffered. You had Diana and a son. You had a ticket to becoming a doctor. I had nothing. Not even the knowledge of what had happened.”

Her accusation hit home. There was truth in her words. Too much truth. “Maddie …” This time, he couldn’t stop himself from going to her.

“No.” She raised her hands in a defensive gesture and took a step away. “Don’t come near me.”

Nick stopped in his tracks. “Maddie …”

She met his gaze with eyes gone steely gray. “I want to be alone now.”

“I can’t leave you like this. We need to talk.”

Hugging herself tightly, she turned her back to him. “You’ve done enough talking. Just go, Nick.”

Sixteen years ago, he would have ignored her wishes. He would have reached out and pulled her into his arms until she stopped struggling. But staring at the stiff back of the woman standing in front of him now, he knew this wasn’t the seventeen-year-old girl he’d once loved. This woman wouldn’t be so easily placated. And he was no longer the brash young man who would have tried.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll go. For now.”

Maddie merely nodded.

“Call me,” he said. “When you’re ready to talk.”

Maddie remained still until she heard the front door close behind him. Then she rushed into the foyer and threw the deadbolt. She didn’t want him coming back.

She’d never in her life been so angry.

Returning to the living room, she gathered up the mugs and the remains of the cookies and carried them into the kitchen. How dare he tell her this after what he’d put her through. He made it sound like marrying Diana had been some noble sacrifice on his part.

Please!

And how the hell had Diana gotten pregnant in the first place? She certainly hadn’t done it on her own. A few months without Maddie, and Nick had jumped into bed with the first willing female. Noble sacrifice indeed. How naive did he think she was?

Then he had the nerve to tell her how he’d suffered. She fought the urge to throw something across the room. He’d always wanted to be a doctor. If he’d married Maddie, it would have been an uphill battle. They would have faced years of struggle, and he probably wouldn’t have gotten into Emory as an undergraduate student—even if they’d somehow managed to find money for his tuition. As Ted Eagen’s son-in-law, however, Nick had walked right into the best pre-med program in the state, and she’d been willing to bet that Ted had financed the whole thing.

It made her blood boil.