Fractured Trust by L. M. Dalgleish

Chapter 32

Two weeks had passed, two sessions with Dr. Jameson. It was far too early to say whether it was helping, but at least now Summer had hope. Hope that she could open herself up to trust. Hope that one day, she’d be able to see the love in a man’s eyes and let fear go.

Along with starting therapy, after a discussion with Eden, Summer had registered to begin online college classes in Public Relations, majoring in Community Relations, something that would help with her work and give her the qualifications she’d always wanted.

Noah’s messages had continued. He’d started sending more photos, too. Sometimes of all four of them, sometimes just of him. She loved getting them, was often desperate just for a glimpse of him. She’d asked Dr. Jameson about what she should do, but her therapist didn’t see a problem with Summer keeping in touch with Noah, as long as it wasn’t upsetting her. And as long as neither of them was leading the other on. Since neither of them had ventured past friendly banter, Summer figured that as much as it hurt, they both understood the situation hadn’t changed.

So, when her phone rang late one evening as she was sitting up in bed reading, she stared in shock at the name flashing on the screen.

Her hands shook as she answered. “Noah, is everything okay?” she asked, breathlessly.

“Yeah, just in the elevator heading back to my room. Thought I’d call and see what you’re up to tonight.” His voice was relaxed, though a thread of exhaustion ran through it.

“You’re not on the bus tonight?”

“No, we’re staying at a hotel.”

“That’s good that you’re getting a break.”

“Yeah, we need it.” He exhaled heavily. “So, what are you up to then?”

“Oh, right.” She laughed self-consciously. “Just reading, nothing exciting.”

“What are you reading?”

She hesitated. “Uh…”

Noah laughed. “With a hesitation like that, I’m guessing it’s one of your steamy books.”

Summer didn’t know why her cheeks flushed, even as the corners of her lips tipped up. “It’s called Her Dashing Duke.”

Noah laughed again, and she heard the sound of his hotel door opening and closing. “I’m just putting you on speaker for a second,” he said.

“Okay.”

“So, is he?” Noah asked.

Noises that sounded as if Noah were getting undressed distracted Summer. A shiver ran through her at the thought of him stripping. The memory of golden skin and defined muscles still too fresh in her mind for her body not to react. “Mmm?”

“The Duke,” Noah said. “Is he dashing?”

Oh, right, the book. She bit her lip, even as she was smiling. “Why, yes. He’s very dashing.”

Summer’s heart was battering her ribs in her excitement at talking to him again. Messaging him was one thing, but listening to his deep voice on the other end of the phone, being able to close her eyes and imagine him right there next to her, was almost more than she could bear.

But surely this was confusing things even more? His intention might be to rebuild their friendship, but she wasn’t sure she was capable of that right now. If she’d ever be able to treat him as just a friend and nothing more. She was enjoying the sound of his voice too much to pretend she wasn’t desperately in love with him still. So, maybe the best thing to do would be to speak to him for a couple of minutes, then tell him at the end of the conversation that she didn’t think it was a good idea for them to keep talking like this.

“Can you read some to me?” he asked.

Her eyes widened. “What?”

He chuckled. “Read me a chapter. It might help me get to sleep tonight.”

“You’re having trouble getting to sleep?”

“Just the last few weeks.” Did he mean since she’d ended things or was she reading too much into it? He didn’t sound annoyed or accusatory, so maybe it was just being on tour that was making it difficult for him to sleep.

She looked down at the book in her hands. She wasn’t that far into it, and it was a bit of a slow-burn, so she hadn’t reached any sex scenes yet; it would probably be okay to read him a bit. She didn’t think she’d be able to handle reading anything too sexy out loud to him. “Okay.”

“Great, just let me get settled,” he said, and she heard what sounded like rustling sheets. She closed her eyes and imagined Noah sitting propped up in his bed in a hotel room, his muscular chest on full display. It took her a second to realize he’d spoken.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I said, I’m ready for my bedtime story.”

She laughed. “Okay.” Before starting, she briefly summarized what had happened in the book so far. Then she began from the start of the chapter she was up to. “The Duke strode down the corridor, the heavy sound of his boots emphasizing his annoyance. Penelope almost had to run to keep up with him, her long skirts billowing around her quickly moving feet. ‘As my ward, I expect you to behave in an exemplary manner. And I will not tolerate having a horde of suitors turning up at my door every day.’ Penelope couldn’t understand what had caused the Duke’s sudden bad mood, she’d assumed he’d want her married off as soon as possible.”

She started off awkwardly, but as she continued, she relaxed, stopping now and then to answer Noah’s questions or to respond to his laughter at some of the more ridiculous plot points. That he actually seemed to be enjoying it surprised her. And she was enjoying hearing his voice far more than was probably good for her. Before she knew it, she realized they’d been on the phone for an hour.

“Well, I should probably finish up there,” she said. “Do you think you’ll be able to get to sleep now?”

His voice when it came was a low, husky mumble. “I think so. Thank you, Sunshine, I needed this tonight.”

“You know if you need something to help you get to sleep, you can always download books onto your phone.”

“I’m not talking about the book,” he said, and Summer hesitated, not sure what he meant. Did he mean he’d needed to talk to her tonight?

Noah spoke again before she had a chance to think any more about it. “Okay, I’m about to pass out, so I’d better go. But maybe we can do this again.”

“Of course,” Summer said. “It’s—It’s good to hear your voice, Noah.”

He paused. “Yours too, Sunshine. Yours too.” There was a different note to his voice when he said those words, but she wasn’t quite sure what it was.

“Goodnight, Noah,” she said, her chest aching.

“Goodnight, Summer.”

She hung up, then put her phone and her book down on her nightstand. After turning off the light, she lay down but didn’t close her eyes straight away. Staring up at the dark ceiling, she ran the conversation over and over in her head. The warmth she was feeling told her she was playing a dangerous game, but she was too tired to worry about it right then.

It was only as she was being pulled under the blanket of sleep that she remembered she’d been planning to tell him he probably shouldn’t call her anymore.

* * *

Noah didn’t end up calling her again for another few days, although he continued messaging her regularly. After a few more late-night conversations, she realized he usually called whenever he was staying the night at a hotel instead of on the bus. By then, she’d managed to convince herself there was nothing wrong with talking to him on the phone. And if she was helping him to sleep, the last thing she wanted was to take that away from him.

She was still seeing her therapist once a week, and every day she practiced her mindfulness techniques. She’d also forced herself to start going to the rock-climbing center Noah had taken her to, pushing herself to get past her nervousness, even when Noah wasn’t there to catch her. Because she was sick of living with fear and guilt and regret. Those emotions had shaped her life for the last decade; taken who she wanted to be and carved a different person from the clay of who she was. She wanted to re-form herself into someone else. Not the person she’d once dreamed of being as a teenager, but someone who would be able to live a full and satisfying life.

Slowly, she was gathering the threads of herself and weaving them back together, as much as she could, with her heart still aching for Noah, anyway. Every time his name flashed on her phone screen, her heart would surge with excitement. And every time she hung up after talking to him, her throat would tighten and tears would well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks. And while she hoped that with therapy, she’d be able to have a fulfilling relationship one day, it hurt to know it couldn’t be with Noah. She wouldn’t know until it was too late whether her trust issues would kick in, and she could never risk hurting him again or doing anything to ruin his career.

Summer sighed as she poured herself a glass of wine and curled up on the couch. It had been a good week at work. They’d made significant progress in signing up several interested recording artists, and now had a wide pool of charities that needed the support. She should be happy; she was finally getting her life together.

And yet, all she could think about was that Noah hadn’t messaged or called her today. This was exactly what she’d been trying to avoid when she’d left him again, the worry, the constant wondering what he was doing. She should never have let herself talk to him, to begin to rely on his contact to reassure her. He wasn’t hers; she wasn’t his, and she had no claim on his time. She needed to remember that.

The clock on the wall caught her eye, and she reached for the remote control, clicking the television on. Eden had mentioned that the band had been interviewed for a television show earlier this evening, and the segment was about to air. She knew she shouldn’t watch it, but she couldn’t resist tuning in, anyway—indulging in her unhealthy Noah addiction.

She sat through the usual comedic monologue, and several skits before the host finally introduced Fractured. The band strode out on stage and Summer’s heart stalled at the sight of Noah’s smiling face, his big, muscular body showcased in a tight white t-shirt and torn jeans. He took his place behind the drum kit, twirling his sticks and grinning over at his friends before they launched into the band’s current hit single.

Summer rubbed at her chest as she watched him play, watched his face light up as he got lost in the beat, and she knew she’d done the right thing by letting him go again. She couldn’t risk him losing this. Not for her.

After they finished up the song, the guys trooped over to the couches and sat down to chat with the host, who started out asking several questions about the album and the tour. Summer soaked it all in; greedy for the sight of Noah laughing and talking animatedly after all these weeks of her only connection to him being through her phone.

After a few more questions, the host asked the guys to stay for a bit longer, then introduced the next guest, Miranda Dawes, Hollywood’s current ‘It Girl’.

Summer’s smile slowly dimmed as the stunningly gorgeous woman strutted over to the stage and nestled her perfect body on the couch next to Noah. She smiled and greeted the host, then turned to the guys, leaning forward to say hello to all four of them. Her brilliant smile landing on Noah last of all.

Summer’s pulse throbbed hollowly in her throat as the beautiful, vivacious woman laughed and chatted with the guys, leaning into Noah as she exchanged banter with the host. At one stage, when Noah commented on a funny story she was telling about her last movie, she casually put her hand on his thigh and gave it a squeeze. It was a strangely intimate gesture, but Summer had no clue if that meant they had been intimate before, or if that’s just how Hollywood people were. But when Noah smiled back at her, his dimple flashing, Summer switched the television off, an ache blooming in her chest.

It was almost one a.m., and she still hadn’t heard anything from Noah. She knew these shows were filmed earlier in the evening and aired later, so he wouldn’t still be caught up with filming. Not that he owed her anything, it was just that she’d gotten used to hearing from him. And even though they weren’t together, she’d let herself fall into this strange limbo world where he still occupied every part of her heart.

Summer turned off the table lamp and went into her bedroom, brushing her teeth and then sliding into her bed. She stared sightlessly up at the ceiling as she thought about the actress’s hand on his leg, the way he’d smiled at her. And the fact that the interview was over hours ago and Noah hadn’t been in touch.

She’d been so deep in her thoughts that when her phone did beep, she startled. The ache in her chest grew when she picked it up and saw Noah’s name on the screen. She chewed her bottom lip, then swiped the message.

Noah: Are you awake?

Summer hesitated for a couple of seconds, then typed a reply.

Summer: Yes

A few seconds later, her phone rang.

“Hi, Noah,” she said.

“Summer,” his voice was rough with exhaustion. “I didn’t want to wake you up, but I just really needed to hear your voice.”

The ache grew, a dull throb of longing spreading through her body. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, we’ve been going all night. I was planning to call you earlier, but Drew had scheduled us back-to-back promo appearances. I kept hoping to get a long enough break to talk to you, but when I realized how late it was, I figured I should just leave it until the morning.”

“But you didn’t.”

He chuckled tiredly. “But I didn’t.”

She exhaled. “Where are you now?”

A door opened and closed on the other end of the phone. “Just getting back to my room.”

“Do you want me to read to you?”

“I’d probably be asleep before you’d read a couple of sentences. I’m just going to crash, but”—he laughed quietly—“I’m too used to hearing your voice before I go to sleep when I’m not on the bus now.”

Summer bit the tip of her thumb, the scared, vulnerable part of her urging her to ask the question. To ask about the actress. But she closed her eyes and took a breath and tried to listen instead to the newly discovered part of her. The part that told her to focus on the things she knew to be true. That it was none of her business if he’d been with her in the past. That he obviously hadn’t been with her tonight. Because if she knew one thing about Noah, it was that he wasn’t a liar—if he said he’d been busy with promos, then that’s what he’d been doing. She and Noah weren’t a couple; she’d left him. Again. He had no obligation to call her, and yet he had. Even though he was exhausted.

Summer swallowed past the painful lump in her throat. “I’m glad you called.” It was all she could get out.

“Well, I know it’s late; I should let you go,” Noah said.

“Yeah, I’m about to go to sleep, too.”

“Goodnight, then, Sunshine.”

“Goodnight, Noah.”

Summer hung up and put her phone back on the nightstand. She turned on her side and closed her eyes, although there was no way she was going to fall asleep anytime soon, with the way her heart was pounding in her chest.

She couldn’t keep going on like this. She’d started making changes in her life, trying to make things right. But this thing she and Noah had going on—this strange non-relationship—it wasn’t right. He deserved better. And so did she.

There was only one thing she could do, she just hoped she had the strength to do it.