Fractured Trust by L. M. Dalgleish
Chapter 31
Summer sat in the slightly-too-hard leather seat, waiting nervously to be seen. She stared around the reception, at the posters on the walls, the cheerful receptionist, the bright blue sky visible through the large picture window on the far side of the office. She was nervous but hopeful. Hopeful that she was finally doing something right. She kept screwing things up, and she had no one to blame but herself. She needed to take responsibility for herself, and maybe one day, she would finally be the person she wanted to be.
Noah had kept messaging her every day. She hadn’t been strong enough to ask him to stop, as much as she knew she should. The fact that she was living each day anticipating his messages probably wasn’t the most emotionally healthy mindset. But maybe going forward, she’d be able to do what needed to be done.
Summer picked up a magazine and flicked through it distractedly while she waited. When the receptionist finally called her name, she looked up to find a kind-looking, older woman observing her from the door of her office. She stood, nervously smoothed down her skirt, and walked toward her.
The woman held out her hand. “Hi, Summer. I’m Dr. Jameson. I’m so pleased to meet you.”
After they shook hands, the doctor ushered Summer into her light, airy office, gesturing to one of two comfortable-looking armchairs on either side of a small wooden coffee table.
Summer sank down, lacing her hands together to stop the urge to fidget nervously, and placed them in her lap.
Dr. Jameson poured water from a sleek metal pitcher into two glasses, putting them both on coasters on the coffee table. Then she picked up a small leather-bound notebook and a pen and sat in the other chair opposite Summer.
Adjusting her glasses, the therapist gave Summer a warm smile. “Now, Summer, I know what you told Claire on the phone when you made your appointment, but how about you tell me in your own words what it is I can help you with.”
Summer wet her dry lips and shifted in her chair. “Okay. Well, I suppose you could say I have… trust issues, which have caused me to, I guess, sabotage relationships. I’m worried if I keep going this way, I’ll never be able to have a long-term, loving relationship.”
Dr. Jameson nodded. “You’re doing the right thing, Summer. Trust is a vital component of any healthy relationship, and it’s something that no one but you can do anything about. Acknowledging that it’s up to you to fix it is the first step in addressing the issue.”
She wrote something in her notebook, then looked back up at Summer. “Now, can you tell me a little about your previous relationships and how you think your issues have impacted them?”
Summer took a deep breath and hesitantly explained what had happened with Noah and Deacon. About what had happened when she and Noah had reconnected. And how it had ended. With further prompting from Dr. Jameson, she also opened up about what had happened between her parents.
She’d never spoken in detail to anyone about how her parents’ divorce had made her feel. She’d told Noah the bare bones of what had happened, but she’d never revealed to anyone, not even her mom, what she’d overheard. Summer was taken aback when tears began to trickle down her cheeks as she spoke. She tried to brush them away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, embarrassed to be crying about something that had happened so long ago.
Dr. Jameson handed Summer a box of tissues, her expression sympathetic. “Don’t apologize, Summer, it’s quite normal to react this way when you relive an emotional trauma. And don’t mistake me, what you experienced as a child was a trauma.”
Summer wiped her nose, and the doctor gave her a kind smile. “The most important thing I want you to know is that your reaction to what happened with your parents is not unusual. It’s extremely common for children such as yourself, that have been impacted by infidelity, to experience issues with intimacy and trust. It’s actually regarded as one of the sleeper effects of parental infidelity. And as you discovered, the worst effects often only manifest when you first start trying to form intimate relationships yourself. The desire to avoid going through the same pain you witnessed your mother going through means that subconsciously you’ll do whatever it takes to protect yourself from being similarly vulnerable. Does that all make sense?”
“Yes. It does. It makes me feel less… broken, I suppose, to know that feeling this way is not uncommon.”
“Not uncommon at all. But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.” She looked at Summer over the top of her glasses. “What you need to keep in mind though, Summer, is that as impossible as it might feel sometimes, you always have the option to trust. Even if you’ve experienced betrayal before. But building trust requires a lot of time, commitment, and, most importantly, vulnerability. You have to make a conscious decision to let yourself be vulnerable—to accept the possibility of getting hurt—so that you can stop constantly trying to protect yourself from it. Eventually, as you spend more time with a partner, you’ll be able to keep building on the solid foundation you’re creating, and the safer you’ll feel.”
Summer nodded, drawing her lower lip between her teeth. Dr. Jameson regarded her steadily. “Do you have any questions about anything I’ve said so far?”
She let out a breath. “It all makes sense. And I want to be able to do it. But I’m not sure how to stop myself from overreacting to every little thing that happens.”
“Yes, of course. It all sounds easy in theory, not so easy in practice.” Dr. Jameson tapped her pen on her notepad. “The first thing you need to do is recognize that the various unconscious strategies you’ve developed over the years to cope with your anxiety aren’t healthy ones. They don’t actually protect you from pain.”
Summer let out a watery laugh. “No. They don’t.”
“Realizing that means you’re more likely to recognize when you’re employing those ineffective strategies. Then you’re able to replace them with more effective ways of managing your anxiety. It might sound trite, but this is where practicing mindfulness can be incredibly helpful. It can help keep your anxiety at bay by making sure you’re grounded in the present moment instead of worrying about a future where you might get hurt. Make sense?”
Summer swallowed the lump in her throat, hope unfurling in her chest. “Yes.”
“So, what you and I are going to do, Summer, is work toward stopping your knee-jerk reaction of panicking and breaking things off when something triggers your anxiety. Instead, you’ll use the various mindfulness strategies we’ll go through to allow yourself to take a breath, a pause, to think things through. Then you’ll be able to assess the situation rationally and continue making a conscious decision to trust. In that way, one day at a time, you’ll be able to hold on to the person you want to be with long enough for real trust to develop.”
She smiled at Summer. “Does that sound like a good way forward?”
Relief sang through Summer’s veins; a smile brimming with hope tugging up the corners of her mouth. “Yes. It does.”