Chapter 21 ~ Sofie Von Bayern

 

“I saw a flower today,” Lukas told me when he sat down beside me at supper one evening in early April.

“Really,” I asked with excitement. My every thought surround the birth of our baby. Spring meant that my child would soon be born.

“Yes, it was a purple crocus. I saw it in a path where the snow had melted.” There was excitement in his voice. He wanted our child to be born soon with all of his heart. The cradle was already waiting in our room. Lukas had finished it early. He was so proud and told people that his son already had a strong kick.

“I have to leave tomorrow, but tonight will be the night,” he whispered in my ear. I knew what he meant. He planned to give me the little death. He felt guilty because he died in my arms, or above me every night. Lately, he died under me. I was getting too large for love-making in any other position.

I knew what was wrong with me, and I tried to tell him, but he stopped me before I could say what I needed to. I wanted him to tie me down and take me. I tried to think about that while we made love. It helped, but not to the point that I achieved it.

I constantly thought about making love. I longed for the little death. Sometimes, I cried when it didn’t work. Lukas would stroke me between my legs, but I couldn’t relax enough, or I was too embarrassed to come.

Lukas told me that it wouldn’t be a problem after the baby was born. He was certain that I would die for him then.

We spoke very openly about what we did in bed. I knew what he liked and what he didn’t. He never told me, but I could read his emotions at a glance. He wasn’t as good at reading my emotions. But I wasn’t so certain if he loved me, or if he understood what I needed.

Lukas seemed to care that I wasn’t happy in bed. But I also knew that lots of people believed that a woman had to have the little death to provide a man with a son. Having a son was proof that a man was good in the bedchamber.

Lukas was hoping for a son.

He fed me and brought me up to bed, all the while he was grinning at me. Once we were in our bedchamber, I cuddled up against him in bed.

“Are you tired? So you need to sleep?” he asked me.

“Yes, I am,” I told him. It was a little lie. I was always tired. I just didn’t want to suffer through his attempts to get me to die with him. I had given up hope.

I slept with my naked back pressed against his naked chest and happily fell asleep.

~

Lukas woke me in the morning by stroking over my nub.

I moaned and pushed my face against his chest, rubbing against him and breathing in his scent. My eyes were closed, and I pictured him removing his sword belt and folding it in half and telling me to lay on my side so he could punish me. I imagine that he hit my right arse cheek ten times and then demanded that I roll to the other side so he could give the other cheek the same treatment.

My hips rocked against his hand like a boat rocking on a mountain lake, steady and with a curl at the end.

“Good girl. Fight for what you want,” he praised me.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Slap my thigh, please. You understand that I need it.”

He kissed my forehead, and unexpectedly, I felt a slap on my thigh.

“You’re gushing.” He smiled for a short moment. “I’m sorry that I made you be like this. I was too rough with you in the beginning. I do believe that you knew nothing of your father’s plans.”

“My father was a good man. He wanted to protect me. There were people at court who told him that you had a bad reputation. That you liked to hurt women.”

His finger stilled. His entire body stilled. “I never hurt a woman, save you. How could I have had that reputation?” he questioned me.

“I think they lied to sway him away from you. They wanted war.”

“Who could think that far ahead? Who could have known that I wanted to ask him to marry you?”

“I don’t know. But I have a guess,” I told him.

“I asked you not to talk about this,” he scolded me.

“Why? Why can’t we talk about it?” I demanded. It hurt me that he dismissed my suspicions so readily.

His voice dropped, and I could hear that he had no plans to discuss further with me. “Turn away from me.”

I knew what he wanted. I fought to roll over. The bed dipped down in the middle, and it was difficult for me to turn over. Usually, I leaned against Lukas or I was on top of him.

He sighed and helped me roll over. He lifted up my leg and entered me. “You’re nice and wet for me. There is nothing worse than a cold and dry woman.”

“I do try.”

“I know. Bite into the pillow. This is going to be fast. I have to leave soon,” he stated, gave in way of an explanation. If he hadn’t given an explanation, it would have made me wet to obey him.

~

I stood in the courtyard and said goodbye to my husband. He had pulled me out with him to show me the flower he had found yesterday. He told me that it meant luck. Our baby would soon be born.

He got on his horse and grinned down at me. “When I return, we will talk about names in case the baby is a girl. If he’s a boy, we’ll call him Lukas, same as me and my father and his father before him.”

I nodded at him.

“But if the baby is a girl, I want her to have a beautiful name.”

I smiled and nodded at him again. Then he left with his men. I got a terrible déjà-vu feeling. The last time I had stood in a full courtyard and said goodbye to my husband, he had died, and so many had died with him.

A heavy weight surrounded my heart. I knew something bad was about to happen. I could feel it as I watched the last rider leave the courtyard.

I looked across the way and saw Marcus. He was staring at me. He gave me a nod before he turned away and went back into the stables.

~

A week later, my pains started. My ladies called for the midwife.

My bedchamber was filled with women. They talked amongst themselves constantly.

I walked back and forth as I tried not to show how much pain I was in. I prayed that Lukas would come home and kick these women out. But he wouldn’t do that because I needed witnesses to prove that I had born the child. No one should doubt that I was the mother and Lukas was the father.

~

The day dragged on and the birthing didn’t advance.

It was late evening when my waters broke. The midwife said it was a good sign that things were moving along.

I was exhausted, and I needed to lie down. The ladies had chairs brought in, and they were falling asleep, leaning against one another.

The pains got worse, and I screamed out. I prayed for Lukas to come home. I knew if he did, that he would be able to help me through the pain. At first, the pains had come so far apart that I wished I could leave the room and go for a walk, but now I wanted to die. I didn’t know how much longer I could take the pain.

The midwife told me that I needed to hurry. She forced me to my feet and had me squat beside the bed. It felt as if my back was being ripped apart. I screamed out again.

It went on for hours, but I never felt a need to push. The midwife had me lie down, and she felt my belly. It got as hard as a rock.

I could see that she was scared. “Is my baby alive?” I asked her.

She told me that she wanted me to drink something to make the baby come faster.

“Why didn’t you give it to me sooner?” I asked confused.

“It wouldn’t have worked before,” she replied.

I drank what she gave me. Then I felt more tired than before. I felt terribly sick. The hours continued to drag on.

I called out for Lukas to come and save me, screaming his name from time to time, but he didn’t come and neither did the baby.

When I noticed that it was light out, I asked what time it was. The midwife answered that it was afternoon. Most of the ladies were gone.

“Where have the women gone?” I asked her.

“They don’t need to stay, my lady. They have to be elsewhere.”

I drifted off to sleep for a time, but then my pains woke me. I screamed for Lukas. If he were anywhere in the realm, surely, he would have to hear me.

Then came the hard work of birthing. I was covered in sweat, and I finally felt the need to push. The ladies were slowly returning, but they were very quiet.

I fought to deliver my baby, and when I finally did, I looked out of the window. It was dark again. I wanted to sleep with my baby in my arms.

“I want to hold my baby,” I told the midwife.

“The angels took your baby, my lady. They took her away last night already,” she sobbed.

“I want my baby. Where’s my baby? Give her to me,” I demanded. I felt as if I were choking. I was filled with sorrow.

“The baby is gone. She’s dead. She didn’t survive the long birth. You must rest, or we’ll lose you too.”

“I demand that you give me my baby.” I stared her down until she laid my child in my arms. My sweet little daughter was blue and tiny. I wrapped her in a blanket and held her close to my heart in the hope that I could warm her up and bring her back to life, but she rested peacefully in my arms.

All but one lady left the room. She moved her chair close to my bed and sat with me without saying a word. Every now and then a tear trickled down her face.

The midwife wanted to take the baby from me, but I threatened her, telling her that I would have her head on a spike if she tried to touch my child again.

A servant woman came in with a tray. They wanted me to lay the baby to the side and eat something so I could regain my strength before the funeral, but I saw that for the trap that it was and refused.

The one lady who remained fed me so I wouldn’t have to release my child.

I named the baby Anna-Rosa and sang to her. Then I got tired and nodded off with my arm around her so no one could take her away while I slept.

~

In the morning, more ladies came, wanting to take my baby so she could be cleaned for her burial.

I told them to bring me water so I could clean her.

I washed Anna-Rosa’s perfect body and wrapped her up again. But I couldn’t release her. A child needed her mother.

~

That night Lukas came home. I heard the sound of the trumpets and the men arriving, and then I heard the sound of metal crashing and wood being hacked away at. He was furious. His precious child was lost.

I could hear men trying to calm him down, but it didn’t work. It went on for a long time, and the ruckus came closer to my door. The Lion was home, and he was furious.

Then the door opened, and he came in. “Sofie.” That was all he said. He came to me and dropped to his knees at the side of the bed.

“She’s dead,” I told him, holding her tightly. I still wasn’t ready to release her.

“Let me hold her for a moment.” He reached for her.

“No,” I told him, moving away from him.

“She’s my daughter too,” he protested.

“No. You promised me that no one would ever take a baby out of my arms. You promised,” I reminded him.

He nodded at me and hung his head. Then he began to cry too. He laid his head down on the bed beside us and gently laid his hand on the back of her head.