Chapter 24 ~ Sofie Von Bayern

 

That night Lukas gave me too much wine. I drank what he gave me so I would have the courage to do what I had to. It was my duty to give my husband children, as many as he wanted. I would smile and pretend that I didn’t mind the way we had been making love with each other this last year.

I wouldn’t admit it aloud, but I wanted to have another child as soon as possible so I could hold the baby in my arms. I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted anything else. Lukas was the only one who could help me with that.

I could feel the haze lifting from my eyes. Getting pregnant would give me a purpose in life, something to look forward to. I wanted to have hope.

Lukas was quite merry at supper. He talked to the nobles and asked for music to be played. I wasn’t the only one drinking.

It was late when we arrived in our room. His squire helped him, removing his clothing while I waited for him to finish.

I sat on the bed, thinking about anything that might make me wet for my husband. I remembered things he had done to me in the past. Things that had hurt my body and fired my soul, heating my core with longing.

“Good evening, my lord and my lady,” his squire said, leaving the room.

I heard the door close.

“Come here, wife. I’ll help you undress.”

I went to the Lion, remembering him undressing me on our wedding night. He had been cruel, and I’d wanted more. I hadn’t understood it back then, but with time, I grew to like it, to look forward to our time together, to dying the little death. It had been a year since I died.

Gently, he opened my stays and removed my gown, and then my shift, lifting it over my head and tossing it to the floor.

He grinned at me and removed his linen shirt and stood in front of me naked and proud. I envied him his confidence. He felt no shame for his body, and he knew that he would come if we made love.

“You are so much more beautiful than other women are. They seem very dull compared to you.”

I said nothing. It was good that my body pleased him. My original shape had returned. The midwife said that I was healed, and that I was ready to have another child. But it didn’t matter to me how I looked. I hadn’t seen myself since I married the Lion. I had no dressing table nor a mirror to look at myself.

“I need a dressing table and a mirror. Could you make me one?” I asked him, wondering what he would say.

“Of course.” I got the feeling that he would say yes to anything I asked of him.

“It would be better if I had a screen to change behind. That way I wouldn’t have to wait for your squire to leave.”

“I could make that for you too.”

“Perhaps the fabric on the screen could match the fabric on the cushion of the chair. I had wanted to request that you make the chair as soft as possible so I could sit even after a punishment.” It had been a long time ago that I had thought about that.

“I’ll buy you a beautiful silk and cover it with that. It will be lovely and soft,” he promised, speaking with me as if he were a fine gentleman, but he wasn’t. He was the prince of this vast realm. He answered to no one, least of all his wife, me. The way he was acting wasn’t natural.

He stepped closer to me and kissed me. Then he looked at me again. His kiss hadn’t taken my breath away. It had been too gentle for that. There was no demanding need in it. I was no longer able to accept his half measures, but I had to force myself so I could have a baby. I couldn’t bear having empty arms any longer.

I reached up to him, placing my hands on his shoulders.

“It feels so good to have you touch me. I’m so thankful that you’re feeling better,” he told me.

“I want my baby back. This is how we can make it happen.”

“No, darling. We will make a new baby. Anna wants to be our new baby’s guardian angel. We must grant her what she wishes. She is a part of this family. We must respect her wishes. Children need to have other children around them.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” I snapped at him.

“Like what?” he asked me.

“As if I weren’t well,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry. Sofie, I’m trying so hard to say the right thing. I don’t want to hurt you or your feelings.”

“I know,” I sighed. “You have been very kind to me and patient.”

“The next time you give birth, I will be with you. The midwife told me that you called for me, for days, as you suffered.” His chin tightened as he tried to keep his emotions in check.

I often thought that things might have turned out differently if he had been there.

“You will go into seclusion early, and I won’t leave your side. I promise you, I’ll be with you when your time comes..”

“Please, take no offense, but you said that last time, and you said that you would never take a babe out of my arms.” I turned away from him and fought not to cry.

He laid his hand on my shoulder. “I’m here now. The first step to having another baby begins here in our bed.”

“We made Anna-Rosa in the meadow.” I had to smile when I thought about her.

“I’m glad that she was made where the sun shined and the flowers grew and not …” Lukas couldn’t finish, but I knew what he had wanted to say. He was glad that our little angel hadn’t been made by force and lust. He feared that it could happen. That he could get carried away and let his darker side surface and have a child who was not made with sweet love.

Then, my thought turned more sinister. What would it matter how the child was made as long as the child came to be inside of me?

“I want to have a baby,” I told him, not hiding the desperation in my voice.

“Of course.” He took hold of me and guided me to the bed. As gently as if I were a piece of thin glass, he laid me down and joined me in bed, lying beside me. His fingers glided over my body, teasing me with light touches. I couldn’t help but think how much better that would have felt if he had used the stick whip on me beforehand. The leather was so soft, but a pleasant burn would build if he took the time to whip me and warm up my body before fucking me.

That was the problem. He wanted to make love to me and give me a child. I wanted him to punish me, fuck me, and give me a child that way.

“Sofie? Are you alright?”

“What?”

“You were a million miles away. I wished that you would be here with me.”

“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings,” I told him, looking at him. “Are you trying to hurt mine?” I asked him.

“Of course not.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it right?”

He grinned at me. “What?”

“I tolerated your refusal to do it right while I was pregnant with Anna-Rosa. I understood that you didn’t want to risk harming her. But there is no reason not to do it properly now.”

“Do it right?” he repeated with a look of humor in his eye. “So I’ve been doing it wrong?”

I nodded at him. “You know that I have to have the little death if I’m to give you a son. You need an heir to take over your lands.”

“Actually, I’ve decided that I need two heirs. I’ve decided to split my realm into two when I pass it on. It’s almost impossible to rule both realms. The mountains are in the way. If I’m in Tirol, things go wrong here. If I’m here, they go wrong there. Two sons, bound together by brotherhood is what this realm needs.”

“And Werdenfels?” I asked him.

“It will belong to both. I plan to divide it directly in the middle. The pass will belong to both of them.”

I nodded at him. His plan made sense.

“So I need to have the little death often,” I hinted.

“Sofie, my love. Don’t you think you’ve suffered enough? You suffered your pain for three full days. The midwife was surprised that you survived it. The ladies said the same things. You have earned the right to gentleness.” His fingertips curled around my ear in the most loving way.

“You ruined me. I no longer crave a gentle touch.” I turned away from him. I no longer wanted him to touch me. “Good night,” I whispered, signaling that the day was over.

“Good night, Sofie.” His words dripped with disappointment.

I knew that he wanted to make love to me, and that I was leaving him hard and without his release, but I couldn’t pretend and let it happen while I smiled, making him think that everything was okay.

He got out of bed and blew out the candle, filling the room with the strong scent of smoke. It pricked at my eyes, making them tear up.

As quietly as I could, I cried myself to sleep.