Don’t Fall for the Doctor by Lacey Bolt
Chapter 35
Michael sat at his desk in the hospital, staring at the blank computer screen in the dark room. He failed. He hadn’t saved Henry. He missed something, some clue or sign. He should have paid more attention to Henry’s medical history, or to his lab results, or something. Henry should never have been allowed to leave the hospital yesterday. There must have been some clue that he missed. Something.
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Henry looking at him, full of trust. He told Henry not to worry. Said he’d take care of him. Told him that he’d seen countless cases like Henry’s and that Henry still had a lot of life left to live.
Henry believed in him. Henry died.
He should have been at the hospital sooner. Henry might have survived surgery if he scrubbed in ten minutes earlier. Five minutes earlier. He got there too late. The nurses all knew that. The anesthesiologist knew that. Even the medical student who scrubbed in to watch the surgery knew. Henry’s death was Michael’s fault.
He should resign. Or turn himself in to the medical board and give up his license to practice medicine. A good man like Henry deserved to live a lot longer. Henry didn’t deserve to die on the operation room table after three hours of surgery. Henry’s family didn’t deserve the pain caused by his death. His daughter’s face crumpled when he sat down across from her in the private waiting room, the room reserved for telling families bad news. The room that had couches and boxes of tissues on every flat surface.
Henry’s daughter thanked Michael through her tears. Thanked him for trying to save Henry. Hugged him. Told him that she knew her father’s heart had failed him. Told him that she believed that her father was now in a better place. Told him that she was sad but knew that her father wouldn’t feel pain anymore.
And it was his fault.
There used to be a time when he cried after losing a patient. Or got angry. Not anymore. He felt nothing. Like all his feelings died on the operating table.
A soft knock sounded on his office door. He looked over in time to see the door open and a hand reach through to the light switch. He blinked in response to the bright overhead light. A cleaner stepped through the open door. Not Ashley. Not anyone he recognized.
She took several steps into the room before she saw him. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped open. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. The lights were off and the door was closed.” She glanced over her shoulder.
Michael stared. Her hair color matched Ashley’s hair. Her scrubs were the same color as Ashley’s. Her height was similar too. But she wasn’t Ashley.
She took a step backward. “Are you ok? I can come back and clean later.”
Ashley deserved better than him. She needed someone who could devote himself to a relationship. Someone who was fully human. Someone who wasn’t dead inside.
“Your cell phone is ringing.” She bent down to the floor and picked up his cell phone. He didn’t remember leaving it there. She placed it on the desk in front of him and backed up again.
He should call Ashley. Call her and end things before he hurt her. Before she realized how much he loved her. Before she felt the same way. Before she found out that he was a fraud, a failure, and looked at him with every ounce of disgust that he deserved.
“Do you need anything? Water? Or maybe I can call someone for you?” The cleaner stared at him like he had two heads. Exactly the way Ashley would look at him if she learned the truth about how he failed.
He looked back at the computer screen. He’d need to write up a report on Henry’s case. Get it to Dr. Evans for hospital review. Let everyone see his failure.
The door to his office clicked shut. Silence surrounded him. He broke out in a cold sweat, and the room started closing in. Michael bent forward and held his head in his hands. The familiar pain in his chest grew. Even if he could, it was too late to fight off the panic attack.
He let the darkness roll over him.