Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller
9
It may be six o’clock in the evening, but the sun is still shining bright in the sky. It’s only May, but here in Montana we start seeing the sun for twelve hours per day in March. The shade is cooler but of course our graduation ceremony is out on our football field, so there’s no escaping the sun’s warm rays. I look toward the bleachers on either side of the field with longing, wishing I could escape into the shade the awning above them creates.
A trickle of sweat falls down the back of my neck, the hair underneath my gold graduation cap feeling itchy. The school valedictorian drones on and on about our accomplishments, memories from years past and gives advice for our future. None of which anyone will remember later, I’m sure.
It was a long year. I did well, got great grades, went through the motions of immersing myself into the year as best I could. Looking to my left my gaze catches Jesse’s. I instantly feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment, but he gives me a soft smile before turning away. He could have been awful to me after what happened between us, but all he’s done is go out of his way to try and be my friend, only being upset with me initially. I apologized profusely for the way I behaved that night, but he brushed off each and every one repeatedly stating they were unnecessary. Rumors never circulated and the mortifying comments never came and as far as I know he kept it as quiet as I did. I didn’t even tell Vanessa about the mistake I made that night.
A little beyond him, in the sea of gold and black, my gaze catches Vanessa’s and she grins ear to ear. Even from here I can see the excitement sparkling in her eyes as she bounces in her seat eager to get this over. She’s all about the after party - it’s all she’s talked about for days. A fellow senior by the name of Wes and his family offered to host the event. Their home resides on a large piece of land and we are having a dinner, bonfire, and live music to celebrate. It should be a good time and I’m looking forward to it too. I return Vanessa’s smile and give her a wink.
It seems like forever, but when we finally line up and wait for our turn to walk across the stage, my heart races with excitement. Waiting to receive my diploma, the heat of the evening is forgotten while the last four years run through my mind like a slide show. There were hard times, sure, but there were also so many fun ones. I have no doubt that what I’ve learned during these four years and the moments that have helped me build my character will be appreciated later.
They finally call my name and the moment I walk across the stage feels like a blur. I hear my family cheering and yelling my name and I look out into the crowd and smile toward the direction of their voices since I can't see exactly where they're sitting.
The rest of the ceremony ends quickly and Vanessa and I immediately find each other and hug and squeal with excitement over the fact that we finally graduated high school. We began moving through the crowd looking for our families. Vanessa finds hers but I keep looking for my mom and dad’s smiling faces.
“Sienna!” My name is called excitedly.
My head turns and I finally connect with my mom and dad.
“Congratulations sweetheart,” my mom says with a wide smile on her face.
“Thanks.”
“I’m so proud of you,” my dad says and then suddenly hands a phone to me.
I look at him in curiosity and he nods encouragingly.
“Hello?”
“Hey, little sister.”
“Jack!” My eyes instantly fill with tears - I so miss him.
“Sorry I can’t be there in person. I hope to get home soon and when I do we’ll celebrate together, okay?”
“Promise?”
“Of course. But hey?”
“Yeah?”
" I know it can’t possibly be the same, but since I couldn’t be there, I sent someone else in my place.”
My heart. stops. beating.
“Wh-what?”
He laughs softly in my ear. “I couldn’t get the time off, but someone else could.”
It feels like it takes a minute for my brain to catch up to what my heart already knows. It starts beating rapidly and pounding so fiercely and loudly I am sure everyone else can hear it too.
Looking around, I don’t know how I didn’t see him before. My stomach twists in excitement and I feel tears burn the back of my throat. My lips speak his name without sound.
Beyond my parents a little ways, he stands proudly and a foot above everyone else. His lips are turned up in a soft smile, and something that resembles pride and excitement dance in his eyes.
He’s really here.
He came for my graduation.
The phone is easily set aside as I mumble goodbye to Jack and thrust it into my dad’s hands as I move past him.
People between us make a maze that I weave through to get to him. Our eyes never waver from each other as we walk toward each other in what feels like a slow motion scene from a movie. The smile on his face, the twinkle in the green eyes I love so much make my body sing. Like a magnet unable to move away from the pull of him, I keep moving closer as if I have no choice.
When we reach each other, I barely pause before I throw myself into his arms and he pulls me off my feet, spinning me around.
The past few months of hardly any significant words from him are forgotten - it all seems silly now that he’s here.
“You’re here,” I say breathlessly while burying my face into his neck. I inhale. I can’t help myself. I don’t even stop to realize that my reaction to his being here screams my true feelings for him, but I don’t care.
“Of course I’m here,” he chuckles and his breath moves over my shoulder making me shudder. I’m suddenly aware of every place our bodies touch. My arms wrapped around his shoulders, my lips almost brushing the skin of his neck, my breasts pushed against his chest and our bodies lingering in places all the way down. I don’t want to ever let go.
With great reluctance I pull away and he places me back on the ground. I look into his eyes with a big smile on my face. His smile returns mine, “I’m so proud of you. Glad I got to see you walk across that stage.”
I shrug feeling embarrassed, “It’s not a big deal.”
He reaches out and tugs the cords indicating that I graduated with honors, and shakes his head, “Yes it is. And how about the fact you’re going to Montana State?”
“It’s really not a big deal,” I shrug again embarrassed that I’m staying in state when I always imagined I’d go far away for school. Fact is, I was going to get more scholarship money by staying local.
“Stop saying that. You’re amazing. And like I said, I’m proud of you.”
“How long do we have?” I ask and my throat clogs up immediately knowing that our time is likely limited. “Until you have to leave?”
He smiles sadly, “I only had a couple days - have to head back to the airport shortly.”
I frown confused, “A couple days, but you’re leaving today?”
How is it that I can feel so happy and sad at the same time. Suddenly, I feel like now is my chance. Who knows when I will get to see him again. And I’m tired of the hot and cold - after his confusing email, there’s so many things I’d like to say. Maybe now is my chance before he leaves. I can make my feelings clear. I want to tell him. Tell him I’ve loved him since the day I first saw him. I’m done pretending what I feel isn’t real.
“Blake? Are we going to leave now? You have to get to the airport.”
Confusion washes over me and for a moment I don’t understand who’s speaking. My brow furrows and I look at Blake in confusion before I see an arm slink through his, long red nails gripping the skin at the inside of his elbow.
Realization crawls over me like spiders racing across my skin. The hair on the back of my neck and my arms stands on end and my stomach drops. Tears instantly burn my eyes, but this time it’s a feeling besides joy making them appear.
He’s here, yes. But he’s here with her.
How is this happening?
Something in his eyes change and I can’t nail down the emotion in them.
“Hailey?” I say her name, the uncertainty in my voice clear. Her graduating a year early was the best thing to ever happen. I haven’t seen her since.
“I told you to wait for me,” Blake says, his gaze still on me.
“I know, but it was taking forever and it’s hot. We only have a little time left, so I wanted to come and get you so we can have a proper goodbye. Are you ready?”
“Go back to the car, I’ll be there in a minute, okay?”
My gaze flies between them as they talk, but when she smoothes her hand over the front of her dress, something inside of me dies as realization rips through me.
There’s a small bump at her stomach. I squint at it for a minute, then my eyes fly back to hers. The look of triumph on her face is all the affirmation I need.
This can’t be happening. For a brief moment I wonder if this is all a joke or a dream. I pinch the skin inside my arms when I cross them, but nope, it’s real and it’s standing before me.
The world suddenly grows fuzzy. It’s like everything has suddenly become pixelated and I can’t see anything or anyone clearly. A buzzing begins in my ears and I vaguely realize I’m in shock as the words from his email suddenly repeat over and over in my mind, “It’s too late now.”
It takes me a full minute to realize he’s saying my name over and over again. I want to reply, but I can’t seem to get my mouth to form the words. I’m simply staring at him without responding.
He takes my shoulders in his hands and I immediately shake them off, “Don’t touch me.”
His brow furrows with worry and something that looks like hurt. Oh the irony. I could laugh out loud, “Sienna?”
A funny thought enters my head and I finally do laugh and I’m positive the sound is partly hysterical. Is he expecting me to be happy for him? For them? How can he not know? He has to.
“Sienna, what’s wrong?” My dad asks, his hand landing on my shoulder making me jump a little. His question brings clarity back to me and as I turn and see my parents. I blink several times. When my gaze catches my mom’s it almost makes me choke on a sob. There’s knowledge deep within, she’s known all along how I feel. Everyone else may be clueless, but not her, never her. She takes a half step toward me, then stops and looks around. I can see she’s internally battling whether or not to gather me in her arms.
“Mom, dad, I love you. I’m going to go to that party with Vanessa and I’ll see you later, okay?”
My dad smiles and nods and takes my mom’s hand. They say something and walk away, my mom looking at me uncertainly and I nod at her and try to smile.
Vanessa is suddenly in sight. She’s standing with her parents and mine speak to hers on their way out. Her eyes are full of concern and sadness for me. She says something to her parents and then she’s with me, her hand in mine squeezing. A silent reminder she’s there for me.
I half turn to Blake, “Thanks for coming. Have a safe trip back. Excuse me.”
Moving as quickly as I can, the need to get away overwhelms me. “My car is over here,” Vanessa says and leads the way.
Everyone I pass is a blur, there are calls of congratulations as I pass, people asking me if they’ll see me at the party. I nod absently and keep moving, unable to respond more than that.
Reaching the parking lot, I see her car ahead and full on run. I can feel a sob bubbling in my chest and an ache flows through my body so hard and sharp it feels like its own entity.
Yanking on her car door handle I realize she hasn’t unlocked it yet. I put my head down and breathe deeply waiting. I hear a click just as there’s a hand on my shoulder pulling to turn me around.
Blake. He’s followed me and stands staring at me, his breaths coming fast, eyes looking wild.
“Sienna, what’s wrong?”
I laugh, “Did you really just ask me that?”
He looks down and back at me again, “I was going to tell you.”
“Oh my god, I can’t do this right now.”
“Why did you run away? You look like you’re going to cry. I’m sorry I hadn’t told you yet. It was a shock-”
Staring at him standing before me, the light from the setting sun hits his dark hair making it shine like a dark halo. His concerned eyes are wide and green, and in a flash I’m reminded of the day we met, the memories flashing through my mind once again, one after another like they have a million times before. It makes my chest ache so hard that I gasp for breath.
“Stop! Just stop. I don’t want to hear it. I’m so done caring. Just, leave me alone.”
“What do you mean? Why are you so mad? I don’t understand.”
“How are you so oblivious, Blake?”
“Oblivious to what? Why do I feel so stupid?”
“You’re not stupid! I’m stupid! Because after all this time you’d think that I would have known that loving you was just plain stupid.”
“What do you mean? I love you too, Sienna. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this. Like I said, it wasn’t expected. The last time I was home, I guess it happened and then she sent me a letter-”
“Stop.”
“Stop?”
“I don’t want to hear anymore. It doesn’t matter. Just go, Blake. Go back to Hailey and get to the airport.”
I’m aware of the fact that Vanessa is standing there looking like she doesn’t know what to do. I ignore her, not caring what she’s witnessing.
“I don’t want to leave like this. Tell me why you’re so upset.”
“Would you just stop it!” I scream, my anger making fire run through my veins.
“Stop what?” Blake asks looking confused and taking my shoulders again which I immediately brush off.
I laugh. I laugh and I can’t stop. Gasping for breath, holding my belly, I ask, “How could you not know? You have to.”
“Know what?”
“But it doesn’t matter,” I keep speaking as if he never did. “It never has. You don’t see me. I’m no one to you and in the meantime I just keep getting hurt over and over and over again. When will I learn?”
“Don’t see you? All I’ve ever seen is you, Si. You’re my best friend too. More than my best friend. You’re everything.”
“Everything?” I laugh. “Then how could you be with her?” My voice breaks. “Are you….are you not attracted to me?”
His face falls, he shakes his head, “Sienna,” he whispers my name.
“I love you,” I confess and it feels like I’ve dropped a bomb between us. Even Vanessa gasps because she knows this is it. This is more than the usual I love you’s we’ve exchanged before. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember and all it brings me is pain.”
“Sienna, I-”
“No. Don’t say anything. I already know. You’re my brother’s best friend. I’m like a little sister. Believe me, I know. I’ve reminded myself of that over and over through the years. Each time I could swear that you saw something or felt something toward me too, I reminded myself that it wasn’t real. I know it isn’t, but I just can’t stop.”
“Blake?” I hear her say his name again and I let out a sob at the sound.
“Hailey, I’ll be at the car in a minute.”
“Just go,” I tell him quietly at first.
“Sienna please,” he says and I hear the pain in his voice and it angers me.
“Just go!” I turn around and scream at him. His eyes widen and his mouth falls open in surprise. “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t. I need to move on. I need to let go. I need to stop hurting all the time. Just go, Blake. Clearly, you have other things that are much more important. I can’t do this anymore,” I repeat.
“Sienna, no, don’t do this, we need to talk…”
“No, we don’t.”
“Blake, what’s going on?” Hailey asks again her gaze bouncing back and forth between us.
I laugh bitterly and finally pull Vanessa’s car door open and get inside closing the door. Vanessa is already inside and the car is running - I don’t know when that happened, but I’m grateful. “Can we please go? Now?” She nods.
Blake knocks on the window, “Please roll down the window, Sienna.”
Looking into his eyes, I see the sadness and pain there that I know I’ve caused, but I can’t find it in myself to care. The vast hole in my chest requires too much of my attention instead of focusing on any pain I may have caused him.
When Vanessa starts to drive forward, Blake calls my name again, walks with the car, and knocks on the window frantically.
I look away and doing so I swear I feel a sharp pain in my chest that has to be my heart breaking.
My eyes close and a tear rolls down my cheek as we drive away, Vanessa’s hand finds mine and squeezes.
I swear I hear him yell my name as we drive away.
Blake tries to email me several times after that day.
He tries to call a couple times too.
I shut down my email address, change my phone number and make Jack and my parents promise to never share any information about me with him or vice versa.
I know that as painful as it is, it’s what I need.
Jack questions me like crazy, but I don’t give him anything until a couple years later when he’s home and we’re drunk and it all comes spilling out. How I felt, how I hurt, and why I needed to let go. He nodded, squeezed my hand and we never spoke of it again. I have no clue if he even remembers the conversation, but I think the pain in my voice and eyes was sobering enough for the both of us. Not sure he can forget it even if he wanted to.
There were times over the years I missed Blake desperately or wondered if I’d done the right thing. I never spoke to him again and sometimes the pain of missing him felt unbearable, but over time it became easier. Whenever the hurt became too much, I reminded myself the pain that came with hanging on - and it was far worse.
I let the memory of him become an echo that became softer and softer with time.