Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

7

When it’s time to start getting ready for Blake and Jack’s graduation and going away party, the first thing I do is take a long and luxurious bath. I’m not one for baths, usually because I’m always in a hurry, but today, I stay under the water until my skin is wrinkly. I spend the day being lazy, trying to forget my sadness by getting lost in my favorite author’s book, but even the world she created can’t help me forget my own.

While I get ready, I use the time to try to relax my emotions, my mind, and to brace myself for today and the tough ones that will follow.

I want to look good today. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it occurs to me that how I look today will be one of the last memories Blake has of me. I slather my body in sweet smelling lotion, curl my hair, and select a white and blue floral dress that makes me feel pretty. I’m applying the finishing touches to my makeup when I hear my mom and the friends she’s recruited to help set up for the party begin working in the kitchen. Their laughter gets louder and louder and I have no doubt alcohol is at least partially responsible.

I’m thankful for the light heartedness and laughs they offer; it sounds like she’s enjoying herself.

Mom has been emotional about Jack leaving. She tries to hide it, but it’s still evident. In part, she’s been trying to show support for his decision. But I also think she worries outward displays of her sadness would make me feel worse, her grief adding to mine. I anticipate that we will be able to bring comfort to each other later.

Today isn’t that day though.

Not wanting to be roped into helping or answering questions like, “Are you sad your brother is leaving?” or “How do you feel about Jack joining the Army?” I sneak out the back door of the house when I’m ready and make my way to the barn.

It’s a beautiful day out. There’s a soft breeze in the air and it makes the stalks of wheat in our field do a swaying dance that sounds and smells like home. I think as long as I live I’ll love that soft rustling sound. Sometimes I like to leave my bedroom window open at night so I can hear the wind sift through the wheat - it soothes me to sleep. The sun lowering in the sky turns the field golden in color and it’s a sight any photographer would swoon over.

In the background, a horse neighs, making me smile, and it directs my attention back to the barn and I hasten my steps. Spending time with our many animals always helps relax me and brings me joy. When I enter, one of our horses, Cupcake, announces her greeting immediately making it known she requires my attention.

“Hi, sweet girl,” I speak lovingly as I rub her long nose and reach into the nearby bag of sugar cubes to give her a treat. “Today is going to be a tough day. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘fake it til you make it’?”

Her head bobs and I laugh out loud - I love the timing.

“That’s gonna be me. Faking it, pretending that I’m not dying a little inside at the thought of Jack and Blake leaving. I’m trying to stop feeling so selfish about this, because I am proud of them, glad they’re doing what they feel they should, but it’s hard. Does that make me a bad person?”

Her big brown eyes with full lashes look into mine and I can almost imagine compassion for how I’m feeling. I kiss her nose.

“I promise I’ll come back and take you for a ride, okay? If I could, I’d take you now. We could disappear, just you and me. Would you like that?”

She nuzzles my hand begging me for another sugar cube, so I comply.

“I knew I’d find you in here.”

Surprise has me spinning around at the sound of Blake’s voice. The sun is shining at his back and it reminds me of the time I first saw him and I can’t help but grin a little. He’s wearing worn jeans that fit him perfectly with a white polo shirt and loafers. He looks handsome and my stomach immediately starts fluttering at the sight. How does he manage to always look so good? To make everything else around him disappear, pulling my entire focus to him?

“You were looking for me?” I ask.

He shrugs, “I know you well. When you have a lot on your mind, you tend to seek comfort here.”

Feeling my cheeks flush, I shrug, “Busted.”

“Are they good listeners?” He nods toward Cupcake and her neighbor Remy who’s stuck his head out to greet Blake. Alternatively, he may merely be checking to see what the commotion is all about and what the likelihood is of stealing a treat. Blake smiles and gives Remy a sugar cube and begins rubbing his nose. I’ve never wished I was a horse before, even momentarily, until now.

“They’re the best.”

“I’m sure you’re giving them an earful,” he smiles at me.

“I had barely gotten started.”

He turns to me, dropping his hand from Remy who makes a sound in displeasure at the loss of his attention. “I wish you’d talk to me instead. You haven’t said much to me, or Jack.”

“I guess I’ve… been processing everything. I don’t mean to be distant.”

“I know it will be weird with us not here, but it isn’t like you’ll never see us again.”

“Don’t speak logically to me, Blake. That doesn’t help.”

He grins, “What was I thinking?”

I shrug and turn away.

“What can I do, Sienna? What can I say?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. It is what it is.”

“Turn around and look at me.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I take a deep breath before I turn around and paste a smile onto my face. “Blake, I’m fine. Really. It just… took me by surprise is all.”

His gaze roams over my face, I swear it pauses at my lips before his eyes connect with mine again. Wishful thinking I’m sure. “Why do I feel like that’s not the whole truth?”

I smile, but it feels forced. “I wish-” I stop and bite my lip.

“You wish what?”

“I wish that you were having as hard a time about the fact that you’re leaving, as I am.”

His mouth opens to respond and I feel my face instantly flush embarrassed that I even voiced something so vulnerable. And I know I don’t know exactly what all he is feeling about this change – likely he has mixed feelings but it’s been hard for me to appreciate that. So, I wish I could snatch the words from the air and shove them back, never having voiced them at all because they don’t matter and I’m making assumptions. Plus, at the end of the day, it doesn’t change a damn thing.

“Sienna, I-”

Whatever he was going to say, never comes, because we’re interrupted.

“Sienna?” My dad stops when he sees the two of us standing there. “Hey, Blake. Didn’t know I’d find you in here too.”

Blake nods and he looks as frustrated that our conversation was interrupted as I am.

“You better get in the house and help your mother. She’s looking for you.”

With a quick glance at Blake, I nod at my dad and swiftly exit and head to the house.

A few hours later, the party is in full swing. Laughter rings out through the air and our yard is full of people - high school students here to say their goodbye’s as well as friends of my parents. I’m so glad mom and dad offered to have a joint party it felt like the right thing to do. And I’m fairly certain Blake’s mom hadn’t thought to celebrate with his friends - if at all - which is sad. I haven’t even see her so I’m not sure if she’s even here, but Mandy is and I’m thankful for that.

It feels like members of the whole town have come to shake Blake and Jack’s hands and wish them luck. I’ve seen more than one person tuck some money into their hands, along with a pat on the back or a hug.

Conversation and laughter abounds; the smell of meat cooking and barbecue permeates the air. There’s a constant pop of a beer or soda can cracking open and people graze around the yard with full plates. Various lawn games are set up and I walk from person to person answering the dreaded questions I was trying to previously avoid.

“You must be so proud of your brother,” Mrs. Thompson, one of my teachers at school says.

“Yes, of course.”

“I’m sure you’ll miss him, but what a great thing he’s doing.”

“It definitely is,” I smile, “Oh, excuse me, I’m going to go grab another dessert from the kitchen.”

I use that as an excuse to escape into the house. Seeing a pan of Rice Krispies on the counter, I cut myself a piece and munch in happiness while I avoid everyone.

“Rude,” Vanessa says making me jump guiltily.

“God, you scared me! What’s rude?”

“Cut me one too,” she says holding her hands out and wiggling her fingers.

“I thought you had left already,” I cut her a piece and hand it to her.

“Mom got sidelined by a friend on our way to the car. I saw you come in here and followed.”

“I just needed to escape all the questions.”

“I get it.”

Taking the pan, I sit at the kitchen table and wordlessly cut us another chunk. We munch in silence.

“It will be okay, you know,” Vanessa says quietly.

“I know. It will. Besides, I have you.”

“Yeah you do, lucky bitch.”

Laughing out loud feels good. She smiles at me but it falls immediately when we hear her mom yell her name.

“Gotta go!” She jumps up from the table and runs out the door, suddenly stopping and turns around. “I’m lucky to have you too, you know.” Before I can say a word, she disappears.

Heading back outside, I bring the marshmallow treats with me and place them on the table telling myself I don’t need another one.

Laughter captures my attention and I look at one of the many tables to see Blake and Jack surrounded by their friends. I can’t hear what Jack’s saying from here, but he’s gesturing wildly in his typical animated fashion and has the attention of everyone around him. I smile at his antics, laughing despite myself. That’s the way he’s always been - the life of the party - with Blake right along side him.

Suddenly, my heart sinks and the smile falls off my face. The happiness around me suddenly feels suffocating. Part of me wants to scream because I feel like they’ve forgotten me and moved on already, which makes no sense. My whole world feels like it’s spinning out of control. The days since Blake and Jack told me their news have flown by and while I’ve tried to do my best to see it in a positive light and deal with my selfish emotions, waves of sadness still overwhelm me and I struggle - hard.

It’s simple - I’m sad.

Part of me feels ridiculous that this is so hard for me. I want to - need to - get over it already.

During Jack and Blake’s graduation yesterday, I was so proud watching them take the stage. I laughed with everyone when Jack of course did a stupid celebration dance upon getting his diploma and felt such delight as I watched Blake receive his. The huge grins on their faces were so genuine and the back slapping hug they gave each other was infectious.

Later, as they stood and smiled for photos at the insistence of my mother, they had their arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders. A flash back of them hit me all at once. They were eleven, and had just won their first football game of the season. They had their helmets in their hands, were sweaty and filthy, and happy as can be after successfully sacking their opponents.

My mind quickly remembered them at thirteen, and the surprise invoked when they announced their intent to give soccer a try. They were standing together, giving the camera a thumbs up after Blake had scored three goals during the game, Jack two. I then recalled when they were sixteen, standing side by side next to Jack’s new car, one he had bought off a used lot with money saved over the years from allowance and odd jobs, and with the help of our parents. Another picture for the album mom kept sacred like a religion. At each and every milestone I was there. Maybe not in the photo, but I was part of it, part of the moment. Through good times and bad – they were inseparable – and I was always included.

Watching then now, Blake walks up to Jack and stands next to him, showing him something on his phone. Seeing them side by side again, like always, it suddenly hits me hard that they will have many more moments together but I won’t be a part.

It’s not logical to feel this way.

Who knows what’s going to happen when they go to boot camp - if they’ll stay together after, where they’ll end up - but it’s still something they’re doing together, another of life’s landmarks they will pursue together.

But without me.

Reality once again sinks in and I feel an ache so deep inside my chest it feels like a huge chasm is going to swallow me whole.

Needing to escape, I turn and walk – almost run - in the direction of our treehouse.

Climbing inside, I sit in a chair so I can see out the window.

My thoughts race.

Shame vacillating with despondency hits me again.

Blake and Jack are always larger than life. Like tonight, they always have big smiles on their faces. But lately around me, they haven’t. They’ve been quiet, knowing I’ve been adjusting to their news, even upset, and have graciously been providing me time and space to process how I feel. And while I know it’s been a kindness, the atypical separation has created a distance between us that feels vast. It’s huge- larger than I’ve ever experienced. Bigger than the time Jack and I made fun of Blake when he tripped in P.E. class in front of everyone and we reenacted it over and over. Even more than the time I didn’t talk to the boys for days after they gave me crap because I still had my childhood doll in my closet - unable to part with her even though they said playing with dolls was stupid. Bigger than the time Jack got mad at Blake and me because we teamed up against him regarding a girl he had a crush on.

All childish things that seemed huge at the time almost make me laugh now. Those things were nothing compared to real life issues.

My mind dashing, I recall during one recent melt down in my room, my mom came in. She soothed me and spoke words of comfort but also told me that I would likely be happier if I dealt with how I was feeling quickly and enjoyed the time we had before they left. It was the only communication we’ve had on the subject, but she was right. The last thing I want is to have them leave with things feeling rocky, unsettled, unstated.

So I put on a happy face. I’ve been trying to save the grief and associated feelings for when I’m alone or with Vanessa.

I move from the chair and go sit at the side of the treehouse where my legs can hang down and swing back and forth. I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. Putting on a show is not easy - I can see why actresses get awards for it. I almost laugh out loud at myself at the comparison.

“Sienna?” A voice calls from below startling me. “Sienna are you up there?”

“Blake?” I respond in surprise.

“I knew I’d find you up here.” Funny…it’s the second time in a few short hours he’s known where to find me.

I hear his steps on each slat as he climbs higher and higher, I stand awaiting his arrival.

“Hey,” he smiles when his head is poking through the hatch and is the only part of him visible.

“Um, don’t you have a party where you’re one of the guests of honor?” I tease.

He shrugs, “What are you doing up here?”

“Just needed to take a minute away.”

“Ah,” he says and climbs the rest of the way inside. He closes the hatch, turns toward me, and suddenly sways a bit.

“Whoa,” I quickly grab his arm. “You okay?”

He smiles brightly, “I’m great. I think I just accepted a few more congratulatory drinks than I realized.”

“Oh, I see,” I laugh softly realizing he’s just a little bit tipsy.

“Yeah,” he laughs. He walks over to the window that faces his property. His face becomes serious.

“I’m sorry your mom couldn’t attend tonight. At least I didn’t see her. Is she working? Going to make it over later?”

He shrugs, “I’m not sure.”

“Oh.”

“How are you doing?” He asks.

“Blake, you don’t need to keep checking on me. I’m fine. I will be fine. I know I’ve been… quiet and withdrawn, I was just… surprised, but I don’t want you leaving and being worried about me. Your leaving isn’t about me. And I’m so proud of you.”

“I’ll worry about you no matter what, Si.”

“Well, it’s not necessary. Really. You need to concentrate more on yourself and what you’re about to do.”

“Will you write to me?” He asks so softly that it takes me a moment to process his words.

“Yes, of course.”

“I don’t know if I’ll have access to my phone often, or when, but maybe you can email me? I’ll check it as often as I can.”

“I can do that,” I promise.

“Good. That’s good,” he nods, “I’d like that.”

We’re quiet as he looks out toward his property again.

“I started to tell you in the barn before your dad came in, that I’m going to miss you. You suggested that I won’t, but that’s not the case. You. Your family. Jack. You have become my family - my home.”

Swallowing thickly, I nod.

“Do you remember the day we met?” He asks.

A smile comes to my face immediately, “How could I forget? I still have scars that remind me.”

I can feel his gaze on my face, so I turn toward him. His gaze captures mine and his look is so intense, I lose my breath.

“Scars?”

“From when I fell. The one at my eyebrow. I also have one on the side of my lip from where a branch hit me on my way down.”

His eyes immediately move to my mouth. “Is that where that’s from? You’re lucky you weren’t hurt worse than you were.”

I nod, but inside I’m thinking he noticed my mouth?

“You know, I’ll never forget the first time I saw you,” he almost whispers.

“You mean when I was flat on the ground and bleeding?”

He chuckles and the sound moving across me prickles my skin. “Who would have thought that you’d end up being one of the most important people in my life?”

Suddenly, he cups the side of my face and I lose my breath.

His eyes look deeply into mine. His thumb brushes the scar at the side of my mouth and before I can even prepare he places a kiss there.

I. Stop. Breathing.

He pulls away from me and stares into my eyes, almost like he’s asking permission. I don’t know what he sees in my face, I don’t even know when I started breathing again, but his face starts to move to my own. My breath hitches, chills break out over my body, I feel his fingers flex against my face. All I can see are his lips coming toward my own. I close my eyes.

“Sienna? Blake?”

Blake jumps away from me at the sound of Jack’s voice below.

My breaths are coming in and out so sharply, I’m afraid I’m going to hyperventilate.

Blake stares at me.

I stare back.

He swallows hard.

“Sienna? Blake? Are you guys up there?”

“Y-yeah,” Blake calls clearing his throat and shaking his head.

Seconds later, Jack’s head pops through the bottom of the treehouse as he pushes the hatch open.

He is completely unaware of the fact he’s interrupted what was a life altering moment for me. And he has no idea that I want to scream, and tell him to get out. He has no idea that more than anything I want to jump into Blake’s arms and plant my mouth on his and take what I’ve been longing for.

He places his arms around mine and Blake’s shoulders and smiles, “Just where I want to be.”

We spend the rest of the evening, just the three of us, ignoring the party as it comes to a close. We reminisce about games played, moments shared. We talk about places we want to go one day, things we want to do. The guys give me all kinds of advice on my last year in high school. I enjoy my time with them, but the entire time I keep replaying what happened between Blake and me over and over.

I wonder what could have been.

I wonder what would have happened.

I will likely never find out.

We’re unlikely to ever be alone again.

At some point, we all fall asleep, awakening to Jack’s alarm, reminding all that the moment is nearly upon us and they have a plane to catch.

I walk with them back to the house in silence.

Once they’re ready, I watch as they gather their things.

I watch as they hug my mom goodbye; watch as she wipes her tears.

When it’s my turn, I nod automatically when I’m asked to promise again that I’ll write. When I’m asked to promise again that I’ll take care of myself, and remember the advice they gave, I nod assent.

I hug them each tight.

I have a hard time letting go.

I watch as they get inside my dad’s car.

I watch as the car moves down the driveway.

My gaze holds Blake’s as he looks back at me, waving one more time.

I lift my hand to return the wave, and wipe at the tear that’s fallen down my cheek.

That one tear turns into too many to count.