Perfect Tragedy by Jennifer Miller

6

I’m in one hell of a crappy mood. It started this morning when I couldn’t find my favorite t-shirt which made me run late, and Jack was so irritated he grumbled at me the whole way to school. When we pulled up I saw Hailey talking to Blake and even though it didn’t look like he was into the conversation it still pissed me off. Rumor is that she’s willing to do “whatever it takes” to get him back. She’s been around him constantly and it really annoys me. She’s even gone as far as pretending to be nice to me when I’m anywhere in the vicinity of Blake and he can overhear. It’s gag worthy.

My mood continued when I got my English essay back that I wrote on the book Crime and Punishment and I got a B+. Not an awful grade, but not the one I deserve in my opinion, but clearly my teacher doesn’t agree.

They were out of my favorite soda at lunch. Henry, an annoying boy in one of my classes sneezed on me. I tripped down the hall in front of everyone and some people clapped, assholes that they are. Jessica, a girl that has a locker next to mine opened hers so hard it smacked me in the back which I’m positive left a mark.

Plus, when I should be concentrating, I remember Blake’s words to me, “I think I’ll always remember the way you looked tonight.” They run through my mind like a marathon runner and trying to define them in every which way possible is about to make me insane.

So yeah.

It was that kind of day.

Really, I shouldn’t have been surprised when we’re heading home in Jack’s car after school and Blake turns to me from the front seat to tell me something that makes my stomach drop.

“Hey,” he begins and I look at him in question, “Jack and I want to talk to you when we get to the house.”

“Okay…”

He doesn’t say anything else, just turns around and raises the volume on the radio.

I stare out the window on the ride home, feeling uneasy.

Once Jack drives down the gravel drive and parks, we all pile out of the car. Jack points off in the distance, “Come on, this is a treehouse conversation.”

With my heart in my throat, I follow them to what’s been our special place. Over the years, we’ve had what we’ve dubbed some very serious conversations. They’ve ranged from debates over what video game is best and why, who the best football player really is in school, and which is better Marvel or DC. A particularly lively one was whether or not ice cream should be eaten with cake or not. My vote was no, makes cake soggy which is totally gross.

More serious conversations included things like Jack confessing his first crush, even his most recent - Amelia. It’s where I confessed that I stole a lipgloss from a local store in town because mom wouldn’t buy it for me and I was angry. The most serious thing though was when Blake once told us how much he misses his dad. He left the family and no one has heard from him since. Blake confessed he often wonders where he is, what he’s doing, and if he ever thinks about them.

It’s always been “our” place and I know if they’re taking me there to talk it’s because it’s important. Not something as simple as “Let’s celebrate because we’re going to Montana U.”

When Blake told me at prom that he’d like time to talk to me this week, I assumed it was just going to be the two of us. Clearly, as I trail the two of them I realize that’s not the case, and I can’t help but feel frustrated. This is clearly something they planned, and it definitely makes sense that Jack wants to be part of what they’re telling me since clearly it’s something they’re doing together, but I selfishly want alone time with Blake - since prom it’s all I can think about.

Various scenarios have run through my mind ranging from one extreme to another. I imagined finally being alone with him and demanding to know why he said what he did to me about looking and being beautiful. I want to ask him why he seemed jealous and possessive at the dance. I even had fantasies about simply walking up to him and putting my mouth on his. Thoughts that make my breaths come fast and heat wash over me in streams. It made me wonder what it would be like to kissed by Blake. Would he grasp my chin with his slender flingers and kiss me soft and slow? Or would he press his body against mine, grasp my hair in a handful and kiss me with fiery passion and heat?

I almost laugh out loud thinking about it now because there’s no chance in hell of any of that happening. Since the dance, Blake has been back to business as usual. It’s like that night was just a dream.

“Alright, what’s the big deal? Why the treehouse?” I ask looking at them both in confusion, but also a touch of mirth hints in the curve of my lips at the dramatic nature of this.

“No questions,” Jack says as we reach the large sycamore on our property and jerks his thumb at the ladder. “Just climb.”

Rolling my eyes, I sigh but I saunter past them both and climb up, eager to get this underway and find out the big news.

Once I’m up, I take a seat on the floor leaning my back against the wall and cross my legs at the ankle waiting for them to get settled. They sit as well, across from me, then look back and forth between each other.

Raising my brows, I finally ask, “What is the big deal? You guys are acting weird. Just spit it out, I already know you’re leaving Mason Creek to go to college. It’s obvious. Just tell me where you’re going already and why it’s been such a secret.”

“That’s not exactly true,” Jack hedges.

“What? That you’re going out of town or that you’re acting weird?” Blake watches me carefully while I look between the two of them.

“It’s not true that we’re leaving town for college.”

“Really?” I ask and that one word is full of hope and happiness. I can’t stop a smile from spreading across my mouth, but it drops when I see they aren’t smiling too.

“Look, Sienna, the truth is-”

Blake cuts Jack off, “We asked your parents if we could tell you. Alone. They weren’t sure, at first but we told them it’s how you’d want it to be.”

“Okay…”

Jack scratches his brow, “We told them we wanted to wait until everything was all worked out before we told you our decision.”

“It isn’t going to be easy for us to leave you,” Blake says and he runs his hands through his hair like he always does when he’s frustrated or nervous. The gesture raises my unease a notch and emotion clogs my throat.

“We’ll miss each other, I know,” I reply. “It will be really weird. I mean, it’s been the three of us… for so long. I can’t imagine being left here-” Suddenly my throat clogs up and it cuts off my words making me feel embarrassed. I clear my throat and blink several times trying to push back the burn behind my eyes.

They look at each other with alarm. If I had it in me, I’d laugh. What is it with the male species?

“Look guys, will you stop? I’ll be fine. I have Vanessa, remember? Yeah, the three of us used to call ourselves the three musketeers - really original by the way - but the truth is, it’s been a long time since it’s been that way. As we grew up and our interests changed, we kind of went our separate ways with some things. I haven’t hung out with you constantly or followed you around since we were kids you know,” I smile with fondness.

“We know, but that doesn’t matter. We’ve always been here. Had your back when you did, and probably when you didn’t, know it. You mean everything to us,” Blake says hoarsely and the emotion churning in his eyes takes me off guard.

“No matter what we’ll always be there for you,” Jack adds. “Just like we always have been.”

“You guys are seriously making this into a melodrama like that one movie channel mom watches.”

“Sienna-” Blake begins but then Jack blurts, “We enlisted in the Army,” before Blake finishes whatever he was going to say.

They both freeze.

I freeze.

It’s like they’ve just dropped a bomb and they’re waiting for it to explode.

I laugh nervously, “That’s funny, guys. Now tell me the truth.”

They look at each other and then back at me. Blake shakes his head a little and I look back and forth between the two of them not finding a speck of humor in their gazes. Blake runs his hand through his hair again. Jack slides his hands down his thighs over and over like his palms are damp and he’s trying to dry them.

“You’re serious?”

Solemnly, they both nod.

A flush runs up my body so quickly, I feel dizzy. Sweat breaks out on my forehead and I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.

I stand up suddenly.

Startled the guys both stand too.

They exchange looks but keep their distance.

I begin pacing the small space my thoughts whirling through my mind so fast I can’t grasp onto one to give it voice.

I feel like I may be sick.

I sit back down again.

The guys look at each other and immediately sit too.

“Why?” I finally ask. “What about football?”

“Football is great, we love it,” Jack starts.

“But it isn’t a realistic future. As great as we want to believe we are, we aren’t going to go pro or anything,” Blake finishes.

“Still, why?”

“My dad was military,” Blake says as if this explains everything.

“I want to make a difference,” Jack says and I want to laugh, but I can’t.

“There are a lot of ways to make a difference that don’t involve potentially losing your life,” I say.

“Sienna, we could die in a car crash tomorrow,” Jack tries to reason, but my glare shuts him up.

“How long?” I ask, and I’m vaguely surprised that my voice sounds hoarse.

“Our initial commitment is four years,” Jack says.

“But we’ll start with boot camp,” Blake says softly.

“We’ll get to come home for a little bit after that,” Jack adds.

“And then?” I ask.

“And then we’ll have more training,” Blake says.

“We’ll come home as often as we can,” Jack says quickly as if that makes this all better, but I know that he’s just trying to make me feel better because I know damn well breaks aren’t as frequent as he’s trying to make it sound.

“And after training?”

They look at each other, “Eventually we’ll be stationed somewhere,” Blake says softly.

I stand again feeling like I need to move.

The guys stand too.

Any other time I may laugh at this up and down dance we’re doing.

“How long?” I ask again.

“Four years active duty. Two years inactive,” Blake says softly as if speaking louder will startle me.

“We won’t even likely stay together either,” Jack adds.

“How long?” I ask again, gritting my teeth.

“Plus we could be deployed fast, I mean we really have no idea when or if that could happen. There’s no way to know,” Jack shrugs as if it’s no big deal.

But it is.

It’s a very big deal.

They have no idea the storm that’s brewing before them. They don’t understand what I’m asking. I vacillate between wanting to strangle them and demanding to know what they’re thinking. I want to hug them and beg them not to go. I want to cry and tell them I’m proud of their choice. I want to push them out of the treehouse and hurt them badly enough that they can’t go anywhere. Ever.

I laugh.

It bubbles up from somewhere deep and it bursts out of me before I can stifle it down.

I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t help it.

Jack takes a step toward me, concern furrowing his brow, “Sienna?”

“Don’t,” I hold a hand up stopping him in his tracks.

I move to the corner and face away from them trying to gain control of myself. I feel a sob rise in my throat and I hear a shoe scuff the floor. Whirling around, both of them freeze in place.

“How. long. until. you. leave.” I grit out. Which is what I’ve been asking all along.

I don’t need or want to know the specifics about when they’re in boot camp versus training versus when they’ll get stationed where and how. I’m not stupid. I already know the free time that they’ll have in-between all these things will be minimal. I know that they’ll basically live their life at the mercy of the military telling them where to go and when to be there.

I don’t need the details to know that everything is changing.

Everything has already changed.

They look at each other again and I know, I just know what they’re going to say. Because graduation is next month and I know, I know they’re leaving afterward.

“We leave the day after graduation,” Blake says quietly, another bomb dropped in our small space.

I knew it. I nod. And I nod again.

“We signed up a couple months ago, so we have to report in a month.”

“Sienna, talk to us,” Blake pleads.

“What do you want me to say?” I ask spreading my arms out wide.

Jack takes a step toward me again but stops when I glare. He sighs and sounds desperate when he asks, “Tell us what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking…” I stop and look away, needing to take a deep breath before I continue. “I’m thinking that I’m angry that you’re just now telling me.”

They open their mouths, “Yes, but-”

“Do you want to know what I’m feeling and thinking or not?” I snap.

Their brows both raise in unison at my tone and they smartly keep quiet.

“I don’t know why or how you could possibly have thought that one month would have been enough time for me to come to terms with this. It’s not like it’s something you’ve talked about over the years. It feels like it came out of left field.” I pause again because I don’t want emotions to overwhelm me and make me unable to say what I want to say.

“I’m hurt because you didn’t involve me in your decision, not because I would change your mind, but because this is huge. And I feel stupid because I’m hurt that for the first time you didn’t include me in a decision about something that’s so big… so monumental.”

Pausing, I take a deep breath.

“Sienna,” Blake tries to interject.

“No. I’m not done.” He nods and Jack’s teeth clench so hard I can see the muscles protrude in his jaw.

“I guess I need to get used to that anyway, right? Not being included in things,” I laugh without humor. “I’m also thinking that I’m going to miss you so much it physically hurts. It feels like I can’t breathe,” and the tears fall now. I’m helpless to stop them.

Blake and Jack both continue to look pained.

Blake runs his hand through his hair - again - and this time I almost lose it completely. It’s such a simple gesture, and one I’m going to miss seeing with all my heart.

“I’m wondering why this? Why is this the direction you decided to take?”

“Because-”

I don’t even know who spoke, I ignore them. “I’m scared. I’m so scared something will happen to you both, but I’m also so fucking proud of you too.” Their eyes widen at my language knowing I don’t use it often. “A choice like this can’t have come easy and I’m thinking that you’ve both always been my own personal heroes, now I’m just going to have to share you with the whole United States too.”

They can’t contain themselves anymore, they come to me and both wrap their arms around me. I try, I really try to hold it in, but I can’t.

I let go.

Big, deep, heartfelt sobs leave me. My legs give out and they ease me to the floor.

Yes, it’s been different these past years as we grew up and naturally grew apart in some ways, but that’s totally different than them not being here at all. At least with college we would have had Spring, Fall, Winter, and Summer break. Not going to happen now with the Army.

They each take turns holding on to me and letting me cry. They whisper words of compassion and comfort while rocking me back and forth.

I don’t know how much time passes, but eventually I pull away.

Wet spots are on each of their shirts and I should probably feel embarrassed, but I don’t.

“I came prepared,” Jack says and pulls a bundle of Kleenex from his pocket.

“You’re just now giving these to me?” I ask and yank them from his hands to sop up the wetness under my eyes and nose.

“Sorry, I forgot.”

“Sienna,” Blake says hesitantly, “We waited to tell you what we were considering and then what we decided until the school year was almost over because we didn’t want it to affect your year. We knew it would be hard, for all of us, and harder once you knew and we just wanted to enjoy the rest of the year with you without this hanging over our heads.”

“And as far as why, well there’s lots of reasons,” Jack says. “The state of the world makes us angry and instead of complaining about it, we want to do something about it.”

What if they die? I try to shut down the thought immediately, but I can’t help it. I’m sure it has to be a worry anyone would have in this position. It’s impossible to not worry about their safety; their lives.

“If you both don’t mind, I’d like some time alone.”

“But-” Blake begins to protest.

“I need you to do this for me,” I say sternly standing.

They nod and stand as well. Jack steps to me and hugs me before heading down the ladder. Blake stares at me and I wish I knew what he was thinking. He reaches out a hand, my breath catches when he pushes my hair out of my face and behind my ear. “You’re one of my best friends.”

“I know,” I tell him.

“I love you,” he says simply, and I stop breathing. “I have since we were kids, and I always will. You’re my family,” he tells me and it takes all I have to remain composed.

“Yeah, I know, Blake. I love you too,” I whisper knowing that those words have a different meaning to me than they do to him. My love for him isn’t in the way a sister loves a brother. It’s more.

He stares at me for a moment before following Jack and heading down the ladder.

I move to the treehouse window and watch them walk away. A sob catches in my throat again and I cover my mouth with my hand.

This feels surreal. Like a nightmare I’ll wake up from and somehow laugh at the insanity my mind conjured. But no, it’s real. It’s real and it feels tragic.

Once, when I was reading Romeo and Juliet we had a discussion in class about it of course, but it prompted me to look up the definition of tragedy. It’s a word used so often about the story and it prompted my curiosity.

Tragedy, a noun, defining an event that causes great suffering, destruction, and distress. Doesn’t that perfectly encapsulate the state my relationship with Blake? I think so.

We’re simply tragic.

A perfect tragedy.