Grand Love by JC Hawke
3
Nina
My hand palmsmy forehead as I try to attach the booking form to the email for the one hundredth time. Why is this so difficult?
Ashley disappeared.
She went to assist a lady in the pool and hasn’t been back since. Guaranteed she’s stuck talking to Hadley. He’s a charmer, and she’s putty in his hands.
“Nina.” My eyes shoot wide as my manager, Rochelle, calls to me from the elevators.
Balls. Where the hell is Ashley?
I force a smile onto my face. “Hi.”
“Did you process the payment for the gentleman in 156?” she questions with a frown.
“Uhhh.” Did I? I might have. “I think so.”
“You think so?” she repeats in a condescending tone. “Nina, he had a tab of nearly two thousand pounds. How was this missed?”
“I’m still learning the system, I’m sorry.” God, I suck at this. How mortifying.
“You’ll need to call him. Ask for payment and apologise profusely for the mistake.”
“Of course,” I tell her, annoyed. As if he didn’t know he missed a two-grand tab. He’s the one who should be apologising. Cheeky bastard.
Rochelle’s eyes survey the reception until they land back on me. I swallow as I watch her, wondering what else I could’ve screwed up.
“Where’s Ashley?”
“Helping a lady in the pool.” Why is she so scary? She’s only a couple years older than me, but she’s disarming in her authority.
Without a word, she shakes her head and walks towards the back offices.
I drop to my seat, puffing out a breath. That could have gone worse. Although, I need to scrub up on this system before I really screw something up. I can’t afford to lose this job, and Rochelle doesn’t tolerate lackadaisical staff. Those are the exact words she used during my interview.
I wonder how I ever got the job at all.
The rest of the day goes by without a hitch. I called the guy from 156 and had him pay the tab. Ashley had to show me how to add it to the invoice for future reference and then we fixed the issue with the email.
Glancing at the clock, I notice I still have two hours left of my shift. They always seem to drag. Ashley leaves at six, and the reception always quietens down around five, so it doesn’t bother me being left on my own. I usually practice on the training system to help master the bookings, but today I’m staring into space, trying to figure out how I can approach Mason. I don’t necessarily feel ready to have him come to the apartment, but I know I need to let it happen.
Rip off the Band-Aid.
Lucy would speak to him for me, but maybe it’s something I need to do? I know before I face him again, I need to speak to him. A text or something to find the dynamic. It’s currently nonexistent.
Pulling up his name, I click the message icon and start to write.
Nina: Hi.
Ugh. No. That’s not right.
Nina: Mason, I have been thinking. I think it would be better for everyone (but me)
Bitter Nina, you are bitter!
I delete the message and try again.
Nina: I think you should go with Scarlet to my apartment this evening. It might help having you there for bedtime. Nina.
I hit send and stare at the message.
I did it.
I texted him.
My palms sweat as I stare at the words.
This is huge progress, it’s been seven months.
Three dots begin to bounce on the screen and I lock and toss my phone onto the desk as if it burns me, my body flushing with heat. I can’t deal with this communication thing. It’s too much. I don’t think I’m ready for his words.
If I’m being honest, the reason I’ve kept myself from him is because I’m weak. Mason Lowell has the ability to bring me to my knees. He did it time and time again in the months I was with him. And I let him. Blinded by lust, and his perfect fucking face. Asshole. The thought of seeing him and having him explain himself, or try to win me back, scares me. He killed my dreams in more ways than one, even if that did give me the greatest gift in return. I don’t think I will ever forgive him.
I busy myself with the computer, doing nothing in particular and trying to keep my mind off my phone. It’s useless. Picking it up and flipping it over, I spot his name.
Swiping my thumb over the notification, I open the text.
Mason: Ok.
That’s it?!
Ok!
I reach out after nearly seven months, allow him access into my home, and all he has to say is OK! Is he kidding me?
Squeezing my eyes tight, I stand and smooth my hands down my skirt. I’m at work, I need to keep my cool. I can’t let him get to me. Not anymore, that ship has sailed. He’s the father of my child and not a single thing more.
Fucking ok! Who does he think he is?
* * *
The Audi is idlingat the curb as I cross the road. Climbing in, I smile at Vinny and do up my seat belt.
“Hey!”
“Good day?” he asks.
“No. I’m terrible at everything, Vinny. I did well in school! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You aren’t in there enough to get to grips with it yet. It’s been a month—eight shifts? It’ll come.”
“I hope so,” I mumble, my head dropping back to the seat.
“You will.” A smile pulls at his lips. “So, Mason left with Scarlet this afternoon. That was a surprise,” he tells me, looking at me knowingly.
“He went to mine?” I wasn’t sure if he would.
Will he still be there?
“I’m proud of you, love.”
“Have I done the right thing, Vin?” I ask, scrubbing at my face, completely drained.
Checking his mirrors, he pulls out onto the quiet road. “You did the right thing, and you didn’t do it for you. You’re remarkable.” He pats my leg. “I hope you know that.”
“Is he still there? At the apartment?”
He nods. “Should I have him leave first before you go up?”
“Is Scar there too?”
“Yes, she stayed. I will come up with you if you want?”
I roll my lips, unsure. “Yeah, okay.”
Am I ready for this? I don’t want to see him.
“I know it’s been a while, but nothing has changed with him. He’s still the same Mason as before.”
I think that’s what I’m most afraid of.
* * *
It’safter eight when we get to my apartment. Vinny follows me to the elevator, and we ride it in silence to my floor. I pause when I reach the door, looking up at him. He simply nods his head in encouragement, urging me forward. Here goes nothing.
I take my time, shimmying into the apartment and placing my bag on the side table, then, slipping my shoes off, I bend and place them off to the side.
I don’t want to look up.
I can hear the TV and I know he is here.
I can feel his eyes on me.
My heart pounds in my ears as I turn towards the living room, looking anywhere but at the man who sits on my sofa. I can see him in my peripheral, but I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. Still, my body flushes hot.
“Hi,” I say to Scarlet, spotting her in the kitchen. I walk to her instead. “Did he go down okay?”
We stare at one another as if I haven’t just asked a question. She flicks her head between me and Mason, clearly unsure what to say.
I need her to be the chatty one here. She could talk the ear off a donkey. Why is she not saying anything?!
I frown at her, willing her to talk.
Mason lets out a huff from behind me, and subconsciously I turn, my eyes finally finding him.
Everything inside me liquifies as our gazes lock. His low brows, dark eyes and strong jaw. His lips, full and parted. I feel my brow crease. It’s painful to look at him. My chest aches with a warmth so intense, it sears me from the inside out.
What even is that feeling?
His hair is longer, much longer as if he hasn’t cut it in months. It curls around his ears, brushing his collar. His body is strong, his shoulders set wide, and his arms stretch the fabric of his dress shirt.
Everything is as I remember it.
Is that why this hurts so much? The knowing. How he felt when I was in his arms, or how he smelt. God, I miss the sensory overload that would floor me whenever he held me.
He breaks the connection first, bending to pick up his keys. “He went down fine. Had a bottle at seven.” Everything about him is cold and detached. The polar opposite of the feelings he evokes in me. “Scar, you ready?”
“We’re leaving?” she asks, confused.
“Yeah.” His eyes eat me up again. Every. Inch. Of. Me. “We’re leaving.”
I don’t know what I was expecting after all this time, but this wasn’t it. It’s as if he can’t stand to look at me.
Scarlet gives me a tight smile as she steps past me. I can only imagine how awkward this must be for her. “I’ll text you when I’m home.”
“Okay.” I nod.
Mason turns, striding towards the door. The air is electric between us, so much that hasn’t been said. So much that will never be said.
My eyes well unexpectedly and I dip my head, biting my cheek as I try to get my emotions under control.
“Do you want me to stay for a while?” Vinny asks, stepping up and blocking me from view.
I stare at his chest, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
“I will be here tomorrow. Five fifteen,” Mason states from the door.
Vinny turns when I don’t say anything, nodding his head.
The door slams shut, making me flinch.
“He hates me, doesn’t he?” I run my hands through my hair.
“He could never hate you, Nina.”
“You go.” I wave him off. “I’m gonna have an early night.”
I turn and walk to the kitchen, setting up the steriliser and filling it with bottles. My mind drifts back to my message to Mason earlier and his short reply.
“He doesn’t hate you, Nina.”
“No, it’s okay, Vinny. I think it’s easier if this is how it is. I don’t think I’d survive a conversation with the man. I’m just being silly.” I turn on the steriliser and turn towards him. “You go, I’m fine.” I smile, swallowing the lump in my throat.
He’s hesitant as he steps up to me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into him. “It’s okay, love,” he tells me, eventually leaning back and wiping a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb. “The first time was always going to be the hardest.”
I nod my head, because I knew it would be hard. It’s why I’ve put it off for so long.
“Go get your boy and get some sleep. You need Ellis cuddles.”
I smile into his shirt. “I do. Ellis cuddles are exactly what I need right now.”
Vinny leaves and I finish cleaning up the kitchen.
Somehow, I manage to hold it together, trying my hardest to not let thoughts of Mason in. I’m halfway down the hallway when my legs begin to sway, my shoulders falling as I lift my hand, trying to quieten the sob that escapes me.
My back hits the door and I slide down it, knowing I will wake Ellis if I go inside.
My heart seems to break all over again as the memories flood in.
Ellis Anthony Lowell
Tuesday 5th March 2019
Boy
6lb12oz
20:32pm
Pain radiates across my abdomen, crippling me until I find a breath of air. In through my nose and out through my mouth. My nostrils burn as I inhale deeply. It’s been seven hours of active labour. Unexplainable pain.
“You’re doing incredible, darling.”
I don’t speak. I can’t.
Maggie’s hand finds my back and I drop my head to the bed as the contraction begins to subside. My shoulders drop as I relax.
“Nina, I need you to get up onto the bed so I can examine you,” Kelly, my midwife, tells me.
“I can’t.” I shake my head, panicking. I don’t want to move, this position works.
“Come on, love, you can do it,” Maggie whispers, kissing the side of my head.
I look at her and nod, letting her take my hand as I step up and lie myself down on the bed.
“This will be uncomfortable, Nina. I’m sorry, my lovely,” Kelly tells me from the end of the hospital bed.
“Not long now,” Maggie says, stroking my hair back from my face.
My stomach starts to ache and I know another contraction is only moments away. “Oh god! I have a contraction.”
“Don’t panic, you’ve done so well, Nina. Deep breath in… Out.”
I manage the breath in but lose it mid-exhale. “I can’t!” I shout. “Ahhhhhh! Fuck, no!”
“Would you prefer to be on your knees, Nina?”
“I don’t know!”
“Just keep breathing and I will get you checked as soon as this one passes.”
“I need to push. Please, Maggie, I can’t.” I turn into her, searching for comfort.
“I know, darling,” she cries.
“Is that one subsiding, Nina?”
I breathe deeply as the last of the contraction racks through me, and my body slowly sinks into the bed as I relax. I can’t take much more; this is killing me.
Kelly begins examining me and I wince as she stretches me. “Nina, you are seven centimetres we aren’t quite there—”
“No!” I panic, throwing myself forward and standing from the bed in a rush. “I need to push.” My stomach starts to contract instantly, and I bear down, my body telling me I need to push. “Uggghhhhh!” A rush of warm liquid rushes down my legs. “Uh uh uh—”
“Don’t panic, it’s just your waters. Do you feel like you need to push, Nina?”
“Yes! Ugghhhhh!” I scream as the pain intensifies.
“Nina, I need to get Mason.” Maggie panics.
“Ugghhhhhhhhh. No! Not yet.” I’m not ready. It’s been five months, but I still can’t bear to face him.
I start to pant as I lean back down on the bed on my forearms—the most comfortable position I’ve found in the seven hours we’ve been here. The contraction starts to subside again, and I stand, my body wet with sweat.
“I need you on the bed, Nina. You aren’t steady enough on your feet.”
“I’m fine,” I pant. “I’m fine.”
“Try and get on the bed, darling, please,” Maggie pleads, her voice thick with emotion.
“I’m… Oh, no! No, no!”
“Nina, you’re panicking, you need to breathe.”
I shake my head as my body tenses all over and the pain takes me completely, taking control of my ability to do anything but focus on it. “Ugggggghhhhhhhhh!” I make a feral sound that ripples from deep in my throat.
“I need her on the bed now!” Kelly calls out.
Maggie strokes my hair and uses a damp flannel to blot my forehead. “Nina, we need you on the bed now. Please, try for me,” her worried voice coos.
I shake my head, my throat catching as I try to hold back the tears.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this.
Strong hands slip around me, one under my breasts, and the other resting on my hip. “You can do this,” he rasps into my ear.
I shake my head, pinching my eyes shut. His voice is like a sweet melody to my soul.
“Look at me.”
“I have another…” I shake my head. “Oh god. No, no, no!”
“Look. At. Me!”
My eyes snap open as my head drops back to his shoulder.
“Mase, I can’t.” I shake my head, my tears slipping free.
He is just as beautiful as the day I met him.
“Yes, you can. If anyone can do this, it’s you. Breathe, Nina.” His hand smooths over my full, round belly. “Breathe.”
I inhale him as my nose brushes his neck, breathing through the contraction until it eases.
I feel weightless as I’m lifted and placed on the bed, Mason slipping in behind me.
“Okay, with the next contraction, I want you to push, Nina. I can feel the head.”
“See,” he whispers against my ear. “You’re nearly there. You going to give up now?”
“Shut up,” I reply hoarsely.
I can feel his smile against my neck and I watch as Kelly’s lip twitches. I wish I could smile but the ache starts to spread, and I tense up again.
“Relax, relax,” Kelly tells me, rubbing my leg. “I need you to push for me, Nina.”
“Uggghhhhhh!”
“Shhhh, no, that’s not it. Push then pant, remember.”
“It burns.”
“Burns?” Mason repeats.
“Pant,” Kelly tells me, panting with me.
Never in my life have I felt such pain.
“Okay, now push. Push! Push!”
I bear down with everything I have inside me. “Yes, baby,” Mason rasps against my jaw.
“Good girl, stop there. I have the head, and so much hair,” Kelly informs us.
I smile. Finally, something.
“You are incredible.”
“When you feel that contraction, I want you to—”
I feel it and waste no time grasping the arms that hold me as I push, not stopping until the pain stops, and my chest is enveloped in warmth.
“A gorgeous little boy.” Kelly beams at us. “Congratulations, Mummy and Daddy.”
Looking down, I take him in. His small little nose, pursed lips and flailing hands. “Hello, you,” I tell him as he looks up at me.
Mason’s hand reaches around me and smooths down his cheek. I look back at him over my shoulder and catch his tear-lined face, mere inches from my own.
“Thank you, Angel,” he tells me, closing the distance and kissing me.
My chest constricts as I will myself to pull away, but I can’t. Not when it feels so right, not when I’ve been starved of him for so long, and not until I taste the saltiness of our tears between us.
I rip myself away.
“Is Dad cutting the cord?”
“Can I?” He turns to me, and I nod, my heart physically hurting in my chest.
“Does he have a name?” Kelly asks.
I look at Mason as he leans in with the scissors, his eyes lifting to mine. We haven’t discussed it, but I’ve known since the day I found out I was pregnant what he would be called.
“Ellis. If that’s okay? Ellis Anthony Lowell.”
Mason only nods, as if that’s all he can manage.
The hoursthat followed my labour are a blur. I remember Elliot, Lance, Charlie, Vinny, and the girls all sneaking in and causing a commotion late in the evening—just to get a look at him. Not that Mason allowed the fuss.
It wasn’t until one o’clock in the morning, when the nurse told Mason to go home to get some sleep that reality sunk back in, obliterating the post-birth haze. I knew I couldn’t let him back in. Not even an inch. He would be Ellis’s father but that was all I could allow.
Swiping the tears from my face, I stand, roll my shoulders, and walk into my bedroom. I always knew today would come around, and now that it has, I feel him, his presence, and his aura. That pull we have—it never left.
But I’ll never let it drag me under again.
* * *
Mase
“Who’s Nina?”Jasmine asks as I walk to the edge of the balcony. “Charlie mentioned her earlier. I heard the two of you in the kitchen. Why would she need to know that I’m here? And why don’t you want her to know?”
Who is Nina?There’s definitely not an easy answer to that question. How do I explain something unexplainable to a woman I can barely stand to look at?
“You ask a lot of questions, you know that?”
She dips her head, her face growing red.
“Nina is your sister,” I tell her with little ease, turning to face the skyline as my brow creases. I wait.
“What?” she finally stutters.
“Your sister. Nina Anderson. She’s twenty-nine years old—a dancer. Your father had her and then you eighteen months later.”
“You know my father?”
I scoff. “I know enough to judge his lousy ass.”
I stand with my hands in my pockets not looking back at the girl on my terrace. She’s quiet behind me, and I know I’ve shocked her. I’ve shocked myself. When Nina didn’t believe me, I swore I’d never forgive her for it—and I won’t. Which is why me having Jasmine here makes no sense.
“And Nina, you know her?”
I shake my head on a laugh and something inside of me snaps. This is stupid. “You need to pack up your things, I can’t have you here. I’m sorry.”
Regardless of who Jasmine is and her situation, I can’t have her here. I should’ve known that last night.
“Where will I go? I have no money.”
I turn and look at her. She’s too skinny, her bones visible around her cheeks and jaw, and not in a healthy way. Her skin is spotty and pale, and she hides behind a baggy jumper.
“I’ll find you a hotel. And Charlie phoned the social worker today. They will be coming in the morning; we will put you up somewhere until you’re back on your feet. Okay?” I nod at her even though I can sense she’s struggling. I can’t get in too deep.
“Are you helping me because of Nina?” Her eyes pinch in at the corners—accusing, knowing—and I turn, hating that they have the same eyes.
“The why doesn’t matter. What matters is how you behave between now and getting your children back.”
“Behave? I’m not a child,” she says, her voice rising in annoyance.
“Maybe so, but Betty deserves more than the life you’ve given her this far.” I point in the direction of the terrace door. “And if you can’t see that, then you should leave now.”
“Not everyone is born with a silver spoon in their mouth, you know. I did what I had to do in life to get by.”
She has no idea. I walk to her with my hands in my pockets, my teeth clenched so tight they ache. I’m an asshole for judging her—for taking my frustration out on her, but I also know that in life there’s always a choice, and Jasmine has made some shitty ones. “I know someone just like you, someone who could have let their fate ruin them.” I shake my head. “She didn’t. She never let it. She soared so damn high.” I look down my nose at her. “Be better. For you. For your kids.” I walk past her and roll open the door.
“So, she doesn’t know about me?” she calls, halting me in my steps. “Nina. She doesn’t know I’m her sister?”
“No.”
* * *
“This is a fucking terrible idea,”Elliot tells me, staring wide-eyed at me from the other side of my desk.
“She was in Stratford?” Lance asks, surprised. “I thought Vinny said she wasn’t in the country?”
We’re in my office. Lance and Charlie sit on the sofas, while Elliot stands, still staring at me.
“She doesn’t have much in the way of identification. It’s why she wasn’t easily traced,” Charlie tells them, looking up from his laptop.
“She has a kid?” Elliot asks.
I nod.
“Why the fuck are you helping her, Lowell?” Lance questions, rolling his lips and smoothing his hand over his moustache.
“I don’t know.” I drag my hand down my face. “She needs it. She doesn’t know who set me up. She said she was told what to do that night, and my bets are on it having something to do with her boyfriend.”
“I’d have fucking left her.” Lance shakes his head, sitting back onto the sofa.
“Maybe I should have left her but it’s Nina’s sister, Sullivan.”
“You think her bloke is dodgy?” Elliot asks.
“Yeah, the place was a fucking tip, drugs, the lot.”
“So, what now? You chuck her in The Earl Marks and expect her to sort her shit out?” Lance chuckles.
Elliot frowns instantly. “Wait a second—”
“You put her up in The Earl Marks?” Charlie’s voice booms as he stands, letting his laptop fall to the sofa.
“Yeah.”
“What are the chances.” Elliot grimaces as he looks at Charlie.
“What?” I question, frowning between them when none of them speak.
