My Next Play by Carrie Ann Ryan

Chapter 9

Nessa

I let outa breath and closed my computer. I was still waiting on news about a few grants and for some letters of recommendation. It was as if I had to pretend that I was still going through with my grad school plans, even if I felt like I was behind. However, none of that was what I was working on at the moment.

While I bit my lip and tapped my foot, I waited on emails from my agent. I hadn’t told anybody that I had written a trilogy. An actual trilogy that I was excited about. I knew that if I got the first book picked up as it was being shopped, the second and third would probably have to be entirely reworked—if not discarded. But the books had poured out of me, and I had taken nearly my entire college career to get them to the point where I was ready. Somehow, through my persistence and sheer luck, I’d landed an agent. And now, we were shopping my work.

I’d known I wanted to be a writer from a young age. My mother had dreamed that I would write a book, and I had finished the first one right before she passed. She had been my first beta reader and probably my harshest critic. Tough love because she had wanted me to succeed, even when she said she loved it.

I just hoped the rest of the world embraced it. It was my dream, even though I knew that I would have to get a big-girl job and not just work at a bookstore. What English professor wasn’t working on a book in their spare time? It was a given. First, though, I needed to get into grad school and possibly even work on my doctorates before starting anything else.

Only, now, I didn’t even know if I would be able to finish this semester. I sighed and nearly jolted out of my chair at my small desk in my bedroom when someone knocked on the door.

Elise spoke through the door. “Nessa? There are flowers for you. Are they from Miles? I know you have a date tonight.”

I got out of my chair and rolled my shoulders back, stretching since I had been sitting too long. A nervous smile played on my face as I thought over her words. I did have a date with Miles tonight. An actual date, though one where we knew there was no future because we were both moving on with whatever lives we picked and were chosen for after this year. I still couldn’t believe I had kissed him or that he had kissed me. I would probably make another mistake at some point, but at least I would go into it face-forward. It was relaxing to be around Miles, even though parts of me were never relaxed around him.

I opened the door and frowned. “Flowers?” I asked as I looked at the bouquet of yellow wildflowers in Elise’s hands.

“There’s no note, but I assume they’re from Miles.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Don’t you think he would have them in his hand when he shows up in a little bit?” I asked, confused and a little worried. I didn’t know why, but something felt off.

Elise scrunched her nose. “You don’t think they’re from...” Her voice trailed off, and her eyes widened.

“No. I mean, they couldn’t be. Xander wouldn’t send me flowers.” Those yellow flowers from the bookshop filled my mind, but my dad had signed the card for those. These didn’t have a note. It was really weird.

“I don’t know. I’ll ask Miles. Or, I don’t know. What should I do?”

“Maybe we should call that detective,” Elise offered.

“I’m not sure. It seems like I’d be blowing things out of proportion if I do.”

“Who are we calling?” Mackenzie came toward us and stood, hands on her hips. “You got flowers?”

“Apparently. I just don’t know who they’re from.”

“Let’s just put them down.” Elise set the bouquet on the table in the hallway. “Maybe we should take a picture. I don’t know. Why am I so paranoid?”

“We’re all paranoid,” I added as I rubbed my hands on my jeans. “It’s just weird. But there’s not anything we can do about it, is there?”

Mackenzie let out a breath. “No. But maybe we should call and check it just in case. Report it.”

I frowned. “And say that we got random flowers and don’t know who they’re from?”

Mackenzie leaned forward. “Maybe they can check who sent them. Do we know the name of the driver?”

Elise shook her head. “No, they just showed up at the house. I checked through the peephole. They said they had a delivery for Nessa, and then I told them to leave them on the porch. I didn’t even open the door until they were gone.” Elise groaned into her hands. “I was trying to be smart about it.”

“That was smart. We’ll figure it out. I’ll probably still report it because there has to be something here. If it’s not Xander, then… I’m just paranoid.”

“Go get ready for your date,” Mackenzie said as she nodded tightly. “We’ll handle this.”

I sucked in a breath. “You guys, they were addressed to me.”

Elise nodded. “We’ll handle that, too. However, you need to get ready. We love you.”

“We’re here for you. No matter what.” Mackenzie turned me around and slapped me on the ass before pushing me into my room.

“Did you just slap me?” I asked, laughing.

“You know, guys do it in sports. Why can’t I do it here?”

“I don’t know if that’s what you should base your spanking on.” Elise snorted. “Anyway, we’ll handle this. You get ready.”

“We’re only going to a little diner,” I said before I took a deep breath. “Not the same one Xander took me to.”

Mackenzie nodded. “Good. No need to double that trouble.”

“So, I’m just going to dinner. No need to dress up, right? It’s only Miles. It’s not like I’m going on a real date with him. This is ridiculous. We’re friends, and we both said we didn’t want to ruin our relationship. And, hell, I make abysmal decisions when it comes to guys—no offense, Mackenzie.”

Mackenzie held up both hands. “No offense taken. Remember who my ex is?”

“She’s got you there,” Elise said, and Mackenzie rolled her eyes.

“Seriously, though, just have fun. You both said you’re looking to have that. It doesn’t even have to be about sex,” Mackenzie added.

My eyes widened. “I’m not having sex tonight, am I?” I asked.

Elise raised a brow. “No, you’re not having sex tonight. Not if you don’t want to.”

“Not that I don’t want to because…have you seen Miles?”

“Oh, we have,” Mackenzie added with a wink.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not ready to have sex. I don’t even know if I’m ready to date.”

“Why?” Elise asked.

We turned as Natalie came into the hallway, as well. “Yes, tell us why you are so afraid to go on a date with the lovely and sweet Miles.”

My heart twisted. “What if I hurt him? What if this isn’t a crush? Why the hell do I keep having crushes on the roommates? Again, no offense, Mackenzie.”

“You have remarkable taste,” Mackenzie said, her voice soft.

“The thing is, I thought I had feelings for Pacey that were more than they were, and it twisted me up inside. It almost hurt you and Pacey in the process. I realize that we are so much better now, but I don’t want to be that person again. Only, here I am, about to go on a date with another of the guys.”

Natalie sighed. “Those four men are great. Except for Tanner, but you’re not going on a date with Tanner.”

I snorted. “No, that won’t be happening. But Tanner’s a good guy, too.”

“Yes, and he’s handy around the house. But he’s sometimes a judge-y asshole. However, I digress.” Natalie sighed, shaking her head. “You are going out on a nice date with a sweet guy, and what are you going to do? You’re going to have coffee with him. Or dinner at the diner or whatever. You’re going to enjoy yourself. Get to know him beyond him being your study friend. And then maybe kiss him because I know you’ve done that before. Then, you’ll come home, do more work on your book or homework, and then go to bed. Not everything we do in college when it comes to those we date has to be forever. Elise and Mackenzie may have found theirs, and I say may because, hello, we’re still in college. And I’m not going to go crazy and say marriage. We’re allowed to date and have fun and not think about big, grandiose plans.”

The three of us just stared at Natalie and her big speech. The woman blushed.

“What? I may be a virgin, but it’s not because I’m saving myself for marriage. I just have to like the guy I’m going to sleep with. I tend to not like a lot of the guys around me because I’m awkward and I talk too quickly, and then they think I’m too stuck up or too much of a virgin, so they don’t want to touch this unless they want me to be another notch on their bedpost. It’s not my fault that everybody keeps snatching up all the good guys. Again, all your fault. But I love you.” She laughed, and I shook my head.

“I don’t want forever,” I said. “I don’t even know what I want beyond this moment, but I said I was going on a date, and I will. Those flowers...” I let my voice trail off.

“We will deal with the flowers,” Mackenzie said, nodding tightly. “Natalie, go get her dressed and ready to go on her date. We will handle this. When we need you, we will get you. You’re going to have fun tonight, damn it. Miles is a great guy. Have fun, kiss a bit, and then just come home. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do. We love you.” Elise leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. Mackenzie did the same.

Natalie practically skipped into the room and closed the door behind her. “Okay. First, what flowers?” She laughed. “Let’s get you ready.”

I swallowed hard and stared at my friend. I knew I needed to do this.

There was so much going on inside me. I could barely think. I was usually the one prone to fun and going with the flow—like Corinne—but that had led me down the wrong paths. I wasn’t a planner as much as the others were, but I needed to be. And right now, I would be. Finally.

* * *

I satacross the table from Miles, feeling slightly awkward yet not knowing what to say.

“I would ask how your burger is, but I think I already did that,” Miles said as he played with a fry. I winced and looked up at him. “Why are we so bad at this?” I asked, my eyes widening. “Not that you’re bad. I’m the bad one. I should know how to speak to you. We talk all the time.”

“We do,” he said, his voice soft. “I think both of us spent so long not talking about that kiss that it gave us something to ramble about. In other words, everything else.”

I cringed. “I’m not good at this. As evidenced by my very scattered dating history.”

Miles snorted. “Pretty sure mine is worse than yours. I’ve never had a serious relationship.”

“Me, either. I had a lasting crush, and we know how that ended up.” I cringed. “I shouldn’t bring up Pacey when we’re on a date.”

“He’s my roommate, your best friend. He’s going to come up. You guys handled that, haven’t you?” I could hear the hesitancy in his voice.

“Yes, we took care of it, even though I’m still sometimes like an awkward little turtle in front of him.”

He started. “I haven’t heard that phrase in a while.”

“My mom says it, and then I say it, too. It just happens.” I paused, my eyes widening. “I meant my mom said it. Wow, sometimes I don’t even realize that I go present tense on her. I feel like she’s still here, you know? Maybe I shouldn’t bring up my mother right now.”

“You should. We should talk about those we’ve lost.” Something in his tone told me I shouldn’t touch on exactly what he meant by that, so I didn’t. But I did want to know. His expression closed off just slightly, so while he wanted me to talk about my mother, he wasn’t ready to talk about someone. I understood. Things hurt.

“My mom passed away pretty quickly. The cancer seemingly came out of nowhere and hit her hard. We tried every treatment we could, but in the end, nothing we did worked. I think we’re doing okay now, although the bills keep coming, and it gets a little insane. Plus, I have no idea how I’m going to pay for this semester. But, here we are.” I groaned and put my hands on my face. “Why am I like this? You didn’t need to know that.”

Miles reached across the table. “What are you talking about, Nessa? I knew about your mom. You’ve talked about it before. But bills? You’re not going to finish school?”

I looked up at him. “I’m trying to get a scholarship because I don’t qualify for the rest of the loans I need for the last semester. I have so much debt as it is, and I don’t want to go the rest of my life with student loan debt piled on top of me until I’m eighty. I’m thinking about using the rest of my college fund I have saved to help my dad pay for bills, because even though he says he can keep the house, I just don’t know. So, here I am, thinking about dropping out of college, right at the last bit, and maybe finishing up at a community college. I don’t know. Maybe working somewhere that will let you come in with only a semi-English degree. I don’t have a plan, and I’m freaking out. The bookstore pays well—as well as it can—and I get benefits through my dad’s work while I’m still in school, so that makes it even more difficult. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I should go.”

My heart raced, and I honestly couldn’t believe I’d said all of that in one big rush. I hadn’t meant to say any of it, but now I couldn’t take the words back and pretend I hadn’t said them.

Miles squeezed my hand, and I looked up at him. And then he got out of the booth and came to sit down next to me. Nobody was paying attention to us, but I still blushed. “What are you doing?”

“We’re going to ask for the check, and then we’re going back to my place to watch a movie and relax. You’re my friend, Nessa. And it’s clear you’re going through a hell of a lot. I’ll figure out a way to help you. I have a feeling you haven’t talked about money problems with the rest of the girls or Pacey or anyone.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s only that way because we’re told we have to be embarrassed about money. The fact that you’re thinking about dropping out of school to help your dad is noble. But there are things we can do. You have a semester and a half left. I know you can get a refund for the semester if you drop out now, but let’s just think about it as one semester left. You’re so close. We can help.”

“Miles, it’s more difficult than that.”

“Maybe. Or perhaps if we put eight heads together, we can figure it all out. I know Tanner is on a few different scholarships. Same as Dillon. I’m on academic ones for my major, so I’m no help there. But I can find something. Plus, you want to go to grad school. It’s your plan and something you sort of need for the career you want. It sucks, but I’m the same way. I’m looking at programs that pay for me. Meaning, I have to move to a completely different state at this point. I get it. We can make this happen, though.”

“Miles,” I said, my chest warming at the way he wanted to help me and take care of everything. Yes, I could try to do everything myself, but I wasn’t doing well at that, was I? Maybe I needed help. He kissed the top of my head, and I blushed. “Come on. We’ll get the check, take our cold burgers home because I’m not about to waste food, and we’ll watch a movie.”

“They probably won’t be good warmed up.”

“I can eat cold burgers. We’re college students. We’re supposed to live on this and ramen.” I sighed, and when he got the check, I swallowed hard and tried to tell myself that this was just friends hanging out. I liked him. He was sweet and tried his best to take care of everybody, even though I wasn’t sure who took care of him. Maybe that could be me. At least, for as long as we had each other. I didn’t need to put the entire world on my shoulders right in this instant.

We gathered our food and paid, each of us taking half the bill since I knew he was worried about money, too. And then he tangled his fingers with mine as we walked back to the car. It was a short drive, and we talked about nothing important on the way, just classes.

I could hear voices in the kitchen when we got to Miles’ place, but we kept going all the way upstairs.

“I have a mini-fridge up here with sodas and water so we don’t have to go and talk to anybody if you don’t want to.”

“I know I need to tell everybody everything,” I said, the flowers coming to mind. Nothing had come of that yet, and I should tell him. And I would. Only not now. I’d had enough drama for one night, and I just wanted to breathe.

He pulled me to the couch in the corner, and I looked around the room. “Your room’s huge.”

“It’s not that big. Dillon’s and Pacey’s are bigger. And if you make a dick joke about that, I am walking out of here right now,” he warned as I laughed.

“Stop making me laugh. My side hurts.”

He growled before shaking his head. “I have no one to blame but myself.”

“Pretty much.” I sat next to him on the couch, looked up at him, and everything else just flew out of my mind. Yes, there were money and future problems. But right now, my friend was holding me. Miles was here with those very kissable lips. And there was only one thing I could do. I kissed him. Miles froze for a moment, and I was afraid I had moved too fast. But then he leaned into me, kissed me again, and I groaned. He nipped at my lip, and I slid my hand over his cheek. His hand moved to my hip, and I could barely breathe. I pulled away. My chest heaved, and his glasses had fogged up slightly. It was so damn hot.

“Miles?”

“Nessa?” he asked, his voice low, a growl so full of need that I wanted to jump him right then. I couldn’t.

“Miles, I’m not sleeping with you,” I blurted, suddenly needing to find a rock to hide under.

Quickly.