At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Harvard

October 27, 2012

“Is he still singing?” Misty groaned, flopping back on her bed in the off-campus apartment we’d scrounged up from housing.

“He is.” I peered out my window and saw the hot guy I’d dated for, like, a whole month, trying to win me back by pulling a move from an ’80s movie and singing to me from the street. I found it desperate and annoying, just like him. He might have been hot, but he wasn’t worth my time. That was becoming more and more blatantly obvious.

“Let’s go out and get drunk instead. I heard there’s a Halloween grad party tonight.”

There had been a grad party every night since I’d gotten to Harvard for my PhD a year earlier. I was once again on full scholarship for my PhD in neuroscience, working as a research assistant for the most distinguished professor. It was a lot of work and more than rewarding. Plus, Misty was in my program, and we’d instantly bonded, deciding to move in together for our second year.

“I have to be in the lab in the morning,” I complained.

“But it’s your birthday weekend!’

“And we celebrated last night and last weekend when my brother was in town.”

Misty stuck out her bottom lip. “Hurricane Sandy will be here on Monday. We need to celebrate before it hits.” I was still wavering, but she continued, “Do you want to listen to that all night or go to a party?”

“Point taken.”

It wasn’t hard to convince me to go out. I had a Halloween costume ready, and I wasn’t going to get to wear it on Halloween with a hurricane blowing up the east coast. So, I’d just wear it tonight. It was cliché, but I’d gone with a French maid. My skirt barely covered my ass. My breasts barely fit into the square top. My waist was microscopic since I’d worked my ass off my first year here. Misty had thigh-high tights that I paired with black high heels. She wore a Playboy bunny costume complete with ears and a tail.

We took the back way out to bypass my ex and headed over to the party. Half the people weren’t wearing a costume at all. Either too cool or too nerdy to get dressed up. But my birthday was so close to Halloween that I’d always loved it. It had been a part of my life for so long that I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

“So, how did you find out about this party?” I asked, taking the punch out of her hand and downing half of the contents in one big gulp.

“Hear me out. A friend of a friend said they talked to their friend who knows someone in the law school.”

I eyed her dubiously. “The law school?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. Just that this was the grad party to go to on Halloween weekend.”

“Uh-huh.”

My gaze swept the room.

When I’d gotten the full ride at Harvard, I’d been hesitant. I knew only one other person who was at Harvard right now, and he was quite literally the last person that I wanted to see. But I looked up the numbers. There were more than twenty thousand grad students on Harvard’s campus. What was the likelihood that I’d run into him here? A year later, and I still hadn’t seen him, but I hadn’t gone to any law school parties either. If Misty had told me that was where we were going, I probably would have declined. Or at least found another party that would have been equally fun and not given me the problem of running into… him.

“Why do you suddenly look like a deer caught in headlights?” Misty asked. “Is the drink shitty?”

“Uh, yeah,” I said quickly. “The drink is shitty.” I finished it in another gulp. “I need a second, and then we should go dance.”

That was the hardest transition to Harvard—no dance. I still sometimes took classes at a local studio, but it wasn’t the same. Not by a long shot.

Misty crossed her arms. “You’re a shit liar.”

I laughed. “That is very true. So, I have this old friend. Erm, flame? I don’t know. This guy I used to know is in the law school.”

“Old friend you used to fuck?” Misty asked with a grin.

“Sort of,” I said uncertainly. “Anyway, with my luck, I’ll probably run into him.”

“All the better! You can get over Mr. Serenade You Out Your Window!”

“No!” I said quickly. Then, more calmly, “No. Uh, no. That’s not what I’m interested in.”

“Okay,” Misty said, holding her hands up. “Avoid old flame. Got it.”

Despite my anxiety, we ended up having a great time. We drank until I knew I was going to regret it in the morning and danced in our heels until I wanted to claw them off my feet. The law party had plenty of hot, available guys who were more than happy to lavish us PhDs with attention.

It was fun.

“Neuroscience?” the guy asked.

He’d told me his name, but I’d already forgotten it. He had me leaned up against a wall outside. He was cute with floppy blond hair and brown eyes. He was dressed like Captain America. He didn’t quite fit the bill, but who cared?

“Yeah. I’m researching dementia.”

“That’s brilliant,” he said with a grin.

Oh, and he had an accent. Australian. Swoon. Made up for the not-quite Captain America. In fact, it made it all the funnier. Or maybe that was the alcohol.

Then, he was kissing me. One minute, my major. Next minute, making out.

He was an okay kisser. Not my worst. Not my best. But considering this was the entire reason I was out tonight, I decided not to complain. I didn’t need to marry this Australian Captain America. Just have a little fun.

Suddenly, the guy was ripped away from me. I protested, and he cursed violently.

“What the hell, mate?” he snapped.

And then I saw who was standing over him—towering over him. My blood went cold. Fuck.

“Derek!” I yelled. “What the fuck are you doing?”

He shoved the other guy away. “Go.”

Derek had a good six or seven inches on him and a hundred pounds of muscle. He went.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

He turned the full force of his attention on me. I didn’t back down. Not an inch. I was drunk enough for my anger to want to blow.

“Hey, Minivan,” he said easily, as if no time had passed at all. That same perfectly pouty smirk on his lips. That same eat you alive look. The same hint of desire.

“Go fuck yourself.”

I pushed past him, but only made it a few steps before Derek wrapped a hand around my arm and pulled me to a stop. I swatted at him, but he didn’t let go.

“You’re drunk. That guy is a creep. What were you thinking?” he demanded.

“That guy was nice.”

“He’s a 1L, and he’s come on to half of the school. He’s not nice. He’s one step away from sexual assault.”

I gaped at him. “Then turn him in.”

“With what proof and what witnesses, Marley? As much as I’d love to do that, no one wants to jeopardize their position in law school to come forward. Most of us watch him and scare him away. When I saw him with you…” He looked ready to put his hand through the wall. The last time I’d seen him look like that, he’d had Chuck Henderson against a wall because he’d touched Amelia. And now, he was protecting me.

I shook him off. “Thanks, but I don’t need your help.”

“You clearly do.”

“I don’t get you. Is this another part of our old feud?”

“No,” he spat out. “You won. That’s over. This was keeping you from making a terrible mistake.”

I looked him up and down. “Too late.”

His jaw clenched at the words, but I was already out of there. Of course, it would be the night I really wanted to kick back that I finally saw him here. On Halloween weekend, just like in high school.

I found Misty inside. “I’m heading out. You can stay.”

“You’re walking home alone?”

“I’ll call a cab or something.”

Misty bit her lip uncertainly and then looked to the hot guy she was talking to. “Text me when you get back.”

“Will do.”

I didn’t look back as I left the house, dialing a cab company to come pick me up. We lived within walking distance of the house, but it was the middle of the night. Even if that Australian guy hadn’t been a creep, I wasn’t stupid enough to go off on my own. But it sucked because the company said a half hour. Jesus Christ. I could walk home and back in that time.

Then, I saw Derek head out of the house and straight toward me. I huffed in irritation. Great. Just fucking great.

“Are you walking home alone?” he asked.

“Cab.”

“Alone?”

“Derek, I am not a fragile little flower. I can take care of myself. Go back inside and bother someone else.”

“Why are you leaving so early? You don’t have to run out because I’m here.”

“I’m not.” Lie. “I have to be at the lab at eight a.m. to help with the hurricane prep. Not everything is about you.”

“Come on, Mars.”

“Come on what?” I demanded, finally turning to look at him. “How did you think this was going to happen?”

“Well, I didn’t think I’d see you again. I didn’t realize that you were at Harvard.”

“You can be here, but I can’t?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“It was implied.”

He clenched his hands into fists and then took a big breath and released it. “It wasn’t implied. I know how smart you are. You deserve to be here as much as anyone, maybe more than most. I just didn’t know.”

“You made sure of that too.” Then, I turned back to face away from him.

Just seeing him again made the pain fresh. How stupid I’d been to think he’d change for me. When he wouldn’t change for anyone else. For thinking it would be different. But it was never different. He was always the same.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said.

My head snapped to the side. “What did you say?”

“I said that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened and how it all went down and the things that I said.”

I blinked at him. “What?”

“Mars, I’m sorry.”

“Derek Ballentine is actually apologizing?”

“Yeah, I am. I was a fucking idiot.”

“You were,” I said warily.

“I left. I was cruel and stupid. I don’t know why I did or said the things that I did and said.”

“Yes, you do,” I said. “You did them because that’s who you are. You told me not to forget it, and I haven’t.”

“That’s fair. I get it.” He ran a hand back through his hair. “I thought I was over it… over you. Then, I saw you kissing someone else, and I just I lost it. I don’t know what came over me, but the idea of you with another person drove me out of my mind.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “So, was he a creep, or were you out of your mind?”

“Yes. Both.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Derek.”

“Nothing. I don’t know.” And he actually looked flummoxed. As if this had never happened to him before. Which it likely hadn’t, knowing him. “Let me walk you home.”

“I already called a cab.”

“Cancel.”

I glared at him. “Why? What would be the point?”

“Because I miss you.” He shot me a small grin, not the full-blown cocky smirk that he always wore. This was something else. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen it on him before. This was hesitant but hopeful.

I sighed. I was mad at him. Still mad at him for what had happened. But that smile had made me stupid one too many times. “Fine. I’d rather walk.”

I shot the driver a text to cancel the trip and then headed off toward my place. Derek jogged after me, falling into step at my side. We were silent most of the way there. He gave me his jacket when I began to shiver in the cold.

“Cambridge sure isn’t Savannah, huh?” he asked as he draped it across my shoulders.

“No, it isn’t. Not like North Carolina either.”

I wanted to resist it, but what was the point? I was actually cold. He was being nice. He’d apologized. Something I’d never thought he would do.

“At least here, I can sail,” Derek said.

“You’re sailing?”

“Yeah. I bought a boat in the harbor to take out on weekends.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course you did.”

“I could take you out.”

“By this time, you should know that those lines don’t work on me.”

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his khakis and said softly, “It wasn’t a line.”

I lapsed back into silence until we reached my place. “This is me.” I glanced around and found no man with a guitar. “We are in the clear.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, I was casually seeing this guy, and after I ended it, he brought his guitar and sat outside my window, playing songs he had written about me.”

“Wow,” Derek said with a snicker.

“Yeah. It was desperate. My roommate and I snuck out the back to avoid him, and now, I’m standing here with you. What a night.”

“Hopefully, it made the night better,” he said with that characteristic smirk.

I rolled my eyes. “There it is. You can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Not with you.”

“I’m not interested,” I told him. “I know better now.”

“It won’t be like before.”

“You say that now.”

Derek stepped forward, brushing a stray curl from my cheek. “What do I have to do to prove you wrong?”

I backed out of his touch. “Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

He smiled, and I forced down the sudden urge to kiss him. Because he was still the most gorgeous person I’d ever met in my entire life. And my body remembered exactly how he could use that mouth in a variety of delightful ways. Unfortunately, my heart knew what it felt like when it was broken. I didn’t really want that to happen a second time.

“Good night, Derek.”

“Night, Minivan.”

I glared back at him. “Maybe start by not calling me that.”

He laughed and called after me, “Any other requests?”

“No!”

But he stood outside of my door and smiled at me as if it were a challenge. I’d offered him one way in. He would certainly take it. I didn’t know what I would do if… when he did.