At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Harvard

Fall Semester 2012

At seven thirty the next morning, there was a knock on the door. Misty had come in at close to four, and I’d slept like shit. I wasn’t expecting visitors, but I was supposed to be at the lab by eight. So, I was awake, however much I wished that I weren’t.

“Coming,” I grumbled blearily.

I pulled the door open and found Derek in the doorway, wearing a rain jacket and holding coffee and a bag of bagels. He looked far too chipper for the early hour.

“Morning, Mars.”

“What are you doing here?” I leaned on the doorframe.

“You said you had to be at the lab at eight. I thought you could use breakfast.” He held up the coffee mug. “Coffee?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Okay. But why are you here?”

“I also have to be at the Law Library at the ass crack of dawn. I thought I’d walk you. I don’t live far from here.”

“What is this?”

“What is what?”

“Derek…”

“It’s breakfast. How much more innocuous can it get?” His hazel eyes had shifted to green against the green of his button-up. His hair had grown out some and fell forward into his eyes, curling at the edges. “Walk with me?”

I huffed and grabbed my jacket and an umbrella. “Only because there’s coffee.”

He grinned. “Fair.”

I shrugged into my jacket and took the drink from him protectively. After a good long sip of it, I shuddered at the taste but drank more anyway.

“I didn’t know how you liked it.”

“Like this,” I said. “Hot and full of caffeine.”

He chuckled. “Same.”

“Ugh, I hate this weather. My birthday week isn’t supposed to be this cold or rainy.”

“This is exceptionally rainy,” he agreed as we headed out in the beginning of the storm. “Though, my birthday is always this cold.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“December 17.”

“Brr,” I said. “I just want it to still be fall. This living in the North thing is not for me.”

“You get used to it.”

“Never,” I said to him like he was a traitor.

He laughed harder at me. “How long is your program anyway?”

“I don’t know. Usually five years for the PhD. Some people get out in four, and some people get out in seven. All kind of up to the person.” I glanced up at him and saw him looking determinedly forward. “This is your last year?”

“Yep,” he said. “3L year.”

“And then what?”

The last time I’d talked to Derek, he’d been leaving too. Just another reason not to ever let myself get attached to him.

“Not sure. There are a few options. The last two summers, I interned with a firm in New York City. My buddy Camden hooked me up, and I worked corporate law for the hotel chain that his family owns.”

I blinked at him. “You have a friend who owns a hotel chain in New York City?”

“Yeah. He was at school here. Percy Hotels?”

“Jesus Christ,” I gasped. “That’s huge, Derek. You’d be set for life. They’re swanky.”

He shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, it was fun, but I didn’t love it.”

“So, the other option is going home?”

“Yeah. Obviously, I have a spot in my father’s firm,” he said stiffly. “But my advisor has dropped hints that he wouldn’t mind keeping me on for another year after I pass the Bar.”

“Is that normal?”

He shook his head. “Not really. Legal research and such. It’s really dry, but we get along, and I enjoy it. I never thought I’d say that, but I do.”

“Makes all the difference.”

“Yeah. I guess you get the research side, don’t you?”

“That I do,” I said with a small smile. I was starting to feel more human after devouring the coffee. We reached my lab building and hurried inside out of the rain. Derek shook out his wet hair and I dropped the umbrella.

“So, is there a bagel for me?”

“There is,” he agreed, offering me the bag. “I got a variety. Wasn’t sure of your preference.”

“I like lox on everything,” I said, taking out the everything bagel and biting into it.

“Noted.”

I glanced up at him. He seemed happy that his plan seemed to be working. I needed to stop this immediately. “That wasn’t an invitation for more breakfasts like this.”

“Why not? If we both have to be up early…”

“Derek, you know this is never happening again, right?”

He took another sip of his coffee. “Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“You look serious.”

He smiled down at me, and I forced myself to meet that gaze levelly.

“We can be friends, but that’s it.”

“Friends,” he said softly.

I nodded. “Yep. I am officially friend-zoning you.”

He snorted and drank more of his coffee. “We’ll see.”

“Yeah, we will,” I said as if it were a challenge.

I remembered too late that Derek loved a good challenge. And I’d just issued one that he wouldn’t back down from. His smile only widened.

I gulped. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“What time are you done?”

“I don’t know. It’s a short day. Maybe two. Need to get home before Sandy hits.”

“Cool. See you then.” Then, he started to walk away.

“Wait! Derek,” I groaned. “That wasn’t an invitation.”

He walked backward so that he could look at me. “Have fun at work, Mars.” He winked, drawing the hood of his jacket back over his hair.

I tried not to smile but failed. He was insufferable. But I didn’t mind the groveling… even if it wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

Derek kept it up. I was shocked, but he had shown up right when my shift ended, and he came back bright and early after the hurricane passed through with coffee and bagels. Lox on an everything bagel, to be exact. He got my schedule from Misty—the traitor—and showed up to walk me home when he didn’t have class. He snuck me into the Law Library to work on my papers in peace. He charmed Misty, as if it were difficult, but somehow also my friends, Kyle, Matt, and Courtney. The five of us had come into the program together, and Derek had inserted himself into the group as if he were a neuroscience PhD. It was absurd. And somehow wonderful. Damn him.

In these few weeks, I had seen more of Derek than all the moments we’d had together over the length of our long acquaintance.

“So,” Derek said, walking me out of the lab on the first day of Thanksgiving break.

“So?” I stretched my arms high and yawned. I’d been burning the midnight oil too often.

“Misty told me y’all are having a Friendsgiving Thursday.”

“Yeah?”

“And she invited me.”

“Oh,” I said softly. I looked down at my feet and back up to him. I’d seen him nearly every day since Halloween. Of course my friends would invite him to our Friendsgiving if he was going to be in town. Still, it felt like a step, and I didn’t know why it did. It wasn’t like it was one with Kyle or Matt. “That’s fine.”

He stared at me for a second, speechless. “I thought it would be a lot harder to convince you.”

“Why? We’re friends, right?”

“Right,” he said slowly.

“It’s not like you’re my date. Misty invited you.”

He stuffed his hands into his Arc’teryx winter jacket. “Right.”

“Josie and Maddox are coming.”

“Josie… as in Josephine Reynolds?”

I nodded. “Yep. She told me she was going to be in Boston for something for the show.”

Josie had gotten a major break in college. She’d gone to SCAD and gotten picked up by a director to star in a new show, Academy, where she was a lead girl at a supernatural school. It had broken records in its first season. The second season was airing right now.

“I sometimes forget that you’re friends with her.”

“She was at that Halloween party of yours when we first met.”

“No shit?” he said with a laugh. “Go figure. And your brother?”

“Yeah. He was going to bring his girlfriend, but she couldn’t get the day after Thanksgiving off. So, it’s just us.”

“Interesting.”

“Anyway, it’ll be a good time, and if you don’t have plans, then you should come. Just bring a dish with you.”

He looked like he wanted to ask something else but then let it drop. I didn’t ask what he was thinking. I’d learned quickly that I didn’t always want to know what the answer was. Most of the time, it involved moving back out of the friend zone I’d squarely put him in. He might be trying to get out of it, but I wasn’t budging.

When Josie showed up a few days later, she nearly knocked me over with her enthusiasm. “Marley!”

I laughed and squeezed her tight. “Hey, Josie. I missed you.”

“I missed you too!” Josie pulled back to look me over. “So, tell me everything. Boys?”

“Nope. No boys. Mostly work.”

“Ugh, lame. Come to LA and have fun with me sometime,” she said with a hip check. “All work and no play makes Marley a dull girl.”

“I think you and Lila have enough boy troubles for the lot of us.”

Josie brushed her beautiful, supermodel black waves off her shoulder. “I am not having troubles. I’m in a perfectly great relationship right now.”

“With your costar,” I murmured under my breath.

“Hey! There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s why our chemistry is great!”

“If you say so.” I arched an eyebrow at her. “And where is the inimitable Martin Harper?”

She waved her hand in a distinctly Josie way. “Busy. We have plans for Christmas.” Her eyes twinkled with delight.

I was glad she was happy even if I thought dating her costar was a recipe for disaster. But once Josie got it in her head, that was that.

“Look who arrived,” Maddox said, coming out of my bedroom shirtless. His hair was still wet from the shower, and he tugged a T-shirt on.

Josie stood there, frozen for a second. Her eyes roaming my brother. There’d always been something between them, but I’d figured it was one-sided. Maddox’s obsession with my best friend had never been a secret, but Josie’s teasing and disinterest were also infamous. She didn’t look uninterested now.

“Hey, Maddox,” she said with a soft smile.

Maddox crossed his arms. My brother had clearly started working out. He’d left behind the skinny rocker look, thankfully. “The superstar has graced us with her presence.” There was venom in his voice.

Maddox hadn’t said anything when I told him Josie was coming, but I hadn’t thought anything about it. I glanced between them. Something had definitely gone down, and I didn’t want to be in the middle of it.

“Anyway!” I said loudly, breaking the tension. “I’m going to check on the turkey. People should be here shortly. Josie, you can dump your stuff in my room. We’ll figure out the sleeping situation later.”

“Sure,” she said and breezed past Maddox without a word.

Misty and I hustled the rest of the afternoon to get food ready. Maddox made Gran’s biscuit recipe. They smelled divine even if they weren’t exactly right. They were a taste of home, and that was what mattered. Misty thought it was strange that I was fussing about pecan pie and sweet tea. As if she didn’t know where I’d grown up.

Matt and Kyle showed up with Courtney, carrying green bean casserole, dressing, and mashed potatoes. The table was set and everything nearly done when our last guest knocked on the door. Misty nudged me with a pointed grin, and I left the kitchen to answer.

Derek stood there in a navy-blue suit coat and khakis, complete with a bow tie. His hazel eyes were almost amber in the light, and he smiled brightly for me with an aluminum foil–covered dish in his hands.

“Hey,” I said. I was glad that I’d changed into a dress a half hour ago, so I didn’t look quite like the mess I’d been all day.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” he said. “You look great.”

I flushed and then tried to swallow it all down. I didn’t care what Derek thought I looked like. I pulled the door wide and he walked inside. “Thanks. What did you bring?”

“I called Kathy, and she walked me through her baked mac and cheese.”

“Oh God, you’re a godsend. I was just complaining that we didn’t have any. Misty thought I was crazy.”

Derek settled the dish into the open space on the table. “Why?”

“Mac and cheese isn’t Thanksgiving fare.”

Josie, Maddox, Derek, and I all looked at her like she was out of her mind.

“Come to the South more often,” I said with a laugh.

Derek glanced at the table with a smirk. “Man, this looks just like home. The last two Thanksgivings, I suffered through Northern food. No biscuits or pecan pie or sweet tea.”

“I know what I’m doing, obviously,” I said.

Maddox stepped forward and shook Derek’s hand. “Hey, man.”

As they did the guys thing, I headed back to the kitchen to check on the turkey, and Josie followed.

“So…” Josie said, leaning against the counter as I carved the turkey up.

“Yeah?”

“That’s Derek Ballentine.”

“I know who it is.”

“What secrets have you been keeping from me?”

“None,” I said defensively.

She laughed. “He’s so into you, Mars. Are y’all sleeping together?”

“No!” I said quickly.

Josie crossed her arms and waited expectantly.

“Well, not anymore.”

“I knew it!” she cried.

“It was one night in college, and he ditched me afterward. I’m never going through that again. So, we’re just friends.”

“You can be friends with someone you had sex with?” She screwed up her face in confusion.

“I’m not you.”

“What does Lila think about this?”

I frowned and avoided her gaze. “Uh…”

“Oh shit! This is serious. Lila doesn’t know?”

I shook my head guiltily. “I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell you too. But I was too embarrassed. I was such an idiot for getting sucked in by him.”

“So? It’s us,” Josie said. “Think about what Lila went through. She’d totally understand.”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to think about it. And anyway, it’s not happening with him again.”

Josie peeked her head out into the living room. “He’s making friends with your brother. He’s clearly charmed your roommate and friends. He’s dressed like a Southern gentleman on Thanksgiving. Why wouldn’t you?”

I stuffed turkey into her hands. “Because I’m not you or Lila. It’s not going to happen. He showed me who he was, and I plan to believe him the first time.”

“People can change, Mars,” Josie said gently. “I have.”

“You’re not Derek.”

“Okay,” Josie said with a shrug. “If you say so.”

“Just… don’t tell Lila.”

Josie shook her head at me. “Fine, but you owe me one.”

I hated owing Josie anything. She’d definitely collect eventually. Still, I sighed and nodded. “Fine.”

Istood outside of my lab, trying not to freeze my ass off. It was snowing, and Derek was late. I jogged in place to keep my body temperature up. Which was how Derek found me as he walked up to the lab.

“Sorry. I got hung up,” he said.

“My eyelashes have frozen, but it’s fine.”

He laughed at me and didn’t say anything. We walked back to my apartment. The sun had already gone down, and the temperatures were dipping well below freezing tonight. It was our last day on campus before winter break, and I couldn’t have been happier to be going back to Savannah.

My stomach twisted with excitement as I opened the door to my place. I’d been keeping a secret for two weeks, and it was finally time.

“Misty isn’t home?” Derek asked as he stepped out of the cold. He flicked on the light to the living room.

Everyone jumped out of their hiding spots and yelled, “Surprise!”

A Happy Birthday sign hung over the living room. All of our friends were in attendance—neuroscience and law students all mingled together.

Derek’s jaw dropped. He looked at me in shock. “You did this?”

“Yes! Happy birthday!”

Without a second thought, he picked me up and twirled me in a circle. I laughed until he set me down. Our bodies dragged together, slow and heated. His head was dipped down toward me, and I hastily stumbled backward out of his arms as everyone else came forward to wish him a happy birthday. I was glad to be out of his spotlight to get the cake out of the fridge.

We spent the rest of the night drinking cheap beer, eating the cake Misty and I had made, and watching basketball. Slowly, people dwindled out of the party, stumbling home through the snow, until it was just me and Derek in my living room. Misty was seeing Kyle now, and they’d disappeared into her bedroom some time ago. The lights were low. Derek and I sat on the same couch, as we’d been in most of the night. I could have leaned into him so easily, but I stayed rigid.

“This was a nice party,” he said.

“I’m glad you liked it. I thought it would be a fun way to send everyone off for the holidays too.”

“It was.”

I looked down at my fingernails. I’d been chewing on them lately, and they were down to the quick. “You never said what you were doing for the holidays. Lila said that Ash is having a New Year’s party on his yacht. I guess they’re talking again.”

“He mentioned that,” Derek said.

“Good idea or bad idea?”

He shrugged. “Ash isn’t exactly sane when it comes to Lila, is he?”

“No, and vice versa.”

“So… are you coming?”

His eyes found mine again. He searched for something there, like I would give him the answers to the universe. “Do you want me to be there?”

“I was just asking if you were coming.”

“No,” he said slowly. “My parents are taking us to Paris for the holiday.”

Paris. Sometimes, I forgot that Derek came from money, and then other times, he went to Paris for Christmas, like it was normal.

“Oh.”

“Marley,” he said, brushing his hand against mine. I stiffened as he turned my hand over and drew figure eights into my palm. “Do you want me to be there?”

“What? And miss Paris?”

“You could come with us then.”

I laughed softly, very aware that he was touching me and I should be stopping him. “I can’t come to Paris, Derek. That’s absurd.”

“Why are you denying this?”

I tried to pull away, but he slid our fingers together. We fit perfectly, as if it was always meant to be. I’d forgotten how easy we were together.

“Because I remember how you threw me away last time,” I said softly.

“I’m not that guy.”

“I want to believe you,” I told him truthfully.

“But you don’t.”

I shook my head and withdrew my hand. “I don’t.”

So, I watched him walk away, out of my apartment. I didn’t expect to see or hear from him again. He’d been putting in the effort, and I still didn’t trust him. He’d go off to Paris and have a great time. I wanted him to. But I wouldn’t deny that it hurt to consider…