At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Harvard

Spring Semester 2013

Winter break hadn’t been as revitalizing as I’d thought it would be. It had been fun to get away with Lila on Ash’s yacht, and to hear from Josie that she’d fucking eloped with her costar at Christmas. She hadn’t even invited us! But my Gramps’ health was failing. Gran had finally moved him into a nursing home for dementia. It seemed like all my years of research would be for naught since I couldn’t seem to do anything for the one person I wanted to help.

When I got back to Harvard, I tried not to think about it. Misty wasn’t showing up until tomorrow. I hadn’t heard from Derek. He’d sent a text on New Year’s Eve, but that was it. I figured that was all I’d hear from him anyway. I’d turned him down at his birthday. He’d probably been off, having a wonderful holiday with loads of Parisian women.

I hated to admit, even to myself, that it made me sick to think about. I didn’t want Derek off with other women. But it made no sense because I didn’t want him here with me either. Well, I wanted him, but I didn’t trust him.

There was nothing to do but obsess about it or get it out of my head. So, I took a scalding hot shower, spending an inordinately long amount of time with conditioner in my hair, scrunching it to perfection. I had alot of hair and curls that were sometimes a mix of waves. To make it look as good as I wanted took time that I usually didn’t have. So, I added gel and a curl cream before spending the next hour diffusing the locks so they gleamed. Perfect curls that hit me mid-back. My curls had never been this long. Of course it would be on a night when I had nowhere to be and nothing to do.

Then, the doorbell rang.

I was still in my underwear since blow-drying was hot business, even in a Cambridge winter. I pulled on sweats and a Duke sweatshirt and then yanked the door open. Derek stood at my door, half-covered in snow.

“Derek,” I said with surprise in my voice.

“Hey, Mars.”

His smile made my insides melt. I’d missed him. I’d really missed him. Fuck.

“Come in.”

He dusted most of the snow off of his jacket and then came inside. He hung his jacket on a hook at the door. I laughed softly when I saw that he had a UNC basketball shirt underneath it all. He so rarely went casual, and of course, it would be when we were wearing opposing teams.

“Nice shirt,” I joked.

He laughed. “Yeah, you too.”

“When did you get back?”

“Just now,” he said, running a hand back through his hair. “I came right over.”

“Oh,” I whispered and then turned toward the kitchen to hide my blush. “Do you want a drink? I have everything for sidecars.”

“You sure love that drink.”

“Gran had me drinking them at a tender age.”

“Show me how you make them,” he said and followed me into the kitchen.

“All right. It’s not hard or anything. It’s just brandy… well, cognac, but use whatever you have. I only have Hennessy. Gran has this bottle of Pierre Ferrand that she sometimes uses, and dear God, it’s divine. But if you don’t have two hundred dollars to throw around on a bottle, Hennessy it is. Then Cointreau, which is an orange liqueur. Triple sec is fine if you don’t have the good stuff.” I winked at him. He always had the good stuff. “Squeeze of lemon. I like to sugar the rim.” I shook everything together and poured us each a sidecar.

He took a sip and startled. “This is delicious.”

“I know, right? It’s basically the only drink I can make,” I said with a laugh.

We took our sidecars back into the living room. He’d already drained half of his, as if he needed the liquid courage before he turned to me.

“I got you a Christmas present.”

“You did?” I froze. “I didn’t get you anything.”

He waved it away and retrieved a long, thin box from his jacket. “I got this in Paris.” He passed it to me, and I held it in my hand uncertainly.

“You got me a present from Paris?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you,” I said softly. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“No, but I wanted to. I thought about you the whole time. I was in a shop with Amelia. She was getting a purse, and I saw this, and it just… it made me think of you.”

Well, with that introduction, my stomach was flopping around. He’d been thinking about me. He’d seen something that reminded him of me. What the hell was in this box?

I slowly slid the top off of the box. Nestled among a poof of tissue paper was the most delicate silk scarf I’d ever seen in my life. I withdrew the beautiful creation, and it unraveled into a perfect square, which was when I could finally see what it looked like. The border was white and the interior a black, white, and red design that was almost but not quite the galaxy. It wasn’t space in a way that was gauche, but rather, it had been transformed into something stunning, a true work of art.

“Wow,” I breathed. “It’s beautiful. This made you think of me?”

He grinned. “To Mars and back.”

I laughed because I couldn’t help it. All of my years of being Mars, and I’d never been the planet until this stunning piece of silk was between my fingers.

I wrapped it around my neck once and let the ends drape over my collarbone. “I love it.”

“Good. I worried that you might not keep it.”

“You picked it out for me. And it’s probably the prettiest thing I’ve ever owned.”

He smoothed down one side of the scarf, leaning toward me as he did it. My body hummed. I could practically taste his mouth on mine. So much of me wanted that, but the hesitancy kept me from moving forward. I didn’t want this to be ruined. Our friendship… our more, I wanted it to stay safe. I didn’t want it to end.

So, he removed his fingers from the scarf and returned to his drink, and I didn’t stop him. Even as my heart pounded in my chest.

Even though class had been cancelled for the first time in thirty-four years for the hurricane, class was cancelled again only a few months later for an unpredictable blizzard. My lab was closed. Everything was completely shut down. The roads were impassable from all the snow, and more was scheduled to come down for the rest of today and tomorrow. I’d lived through a Massachusetts winter. I’d thought I understood snowfall. But it was nothing compared to what hit early February.

Misty had ditched the city before the worst of it hit, driving home to Connecticut to stay in her parents’ house. Derek didn’t like that I would be home alone and offered me his guest room. I felt dumb accepting, as it was just some snow, but I also didn’t want to be alone.

So, I packed a bag to ride out the storm, wondering all the time if I was making the right choice, and then headed across campus to his place. By the time I got there, snow was coming down in fat drifts, easily pushing me with the bitter, cold wind.

“It’s freezing out there,” I said, shivering.

“Wait, wait,” Derek said. “Don’t get undressed.”

“Well, I never thought I’d hear that out of your mouth.”

For a second, he was speechless. Then, that insufferable smirk returned. He took a step toward me, and all the air left the room. “I mean, we can stay in if you have other things on your mind.”

I coughed, flustered. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

He flipped a loose curl from under my beanie. “You sure?” he practically purred.

I wasn’t. Not at all. “Uh, positive.”

“My mind is successfully in the gutter. We should probably go back out before I let it wander too far.”

I swallowed at the heat in his voice. Then blinked. “Wait, back out?”

“Yeah. You have two choices: we could walk down to Cambridge Common or up to Danehy Park.”

“In this weather?”

His eyes lit up. “Precisely.”

He gestured behind me. I turned to see what he was getting at.

“You want to go sledding?”

“Perfect weather.”

“It’s a blizzard.”

“Come on, Mars. Live a little with me.”

I huffed. It was way too cold out there for this Southern girl. The weather channel had said to expect two feet of snow. But it wasn’t quite that bad yet. Maybe it’d be fun.

“Fine.”

I slid my hands back into my gloves, zipped up my coat, and pulled my hood back up. “You are going to owe me hot chocolate after this.”

“Done.”

Then, like a kid in a candy store, he hoisted up the sleds and dashed out of the house. Cambridge Common was closer than the park but had smaller hills. I’d never been sledding before in my entire life. So, I was all for the smaller hills, but Derek’s law school friends had headed up to the park, and so that was where we went.

By the time I was on top of the hill with nothing but a piece of plastic between me and the ground, I was deeply regretting my decision. “I don’t know if I can do this, Derek.”

He laughed. “You’ll do great!”

I’d watched him go down with intense trepidation, but he’d whooped loudly and run—literally run—back up the hill to go again.

“Um, you can take my turn.”

“Come on, Mars,” he coached. “Conquer your fear. You can do this, and it’s so much fun.”

“Okay, okay,” I said more to myself than him. “I can do this.”

“Ready?”

I wasn’t. He pushed me down the hill anyway. I screamed as I plummeted toward the bottom, and the group of law students cheered. I couldn’t close my eyes even if I wanted to. They were watering as the cold bit into them.

Eventually, I slowed and came to a stop, flopping forward into the snow. Derek’s battle cry behind me was the only way that I knew he’d taken the other sled down after me. He collapsed into the snow next to me, a wide, excited smile on his face. I’d never seen him so giddy before.

“You okay?” he asked.

I grinned at him. “Let’s do it again.”

He laughed and helped me to my feet. “That’s my girl.”

I opened my mouth to object, but he’d already hoisted both sleds into his arms and was carrying them toward the hill. I had no choice but to follow.

We took the sleds down the slopes until I couldn’t feel my extremities anymore and my teeth were chattering. Derek finally relented. We said good-bye to his friends and then trekked back through Cambridge to his apartment.

We both changed into sweats, and he made hot chocolate, as promised. I snuggled under a blanket, trying to regain feeling in my toes. He handed me my drink and turned on the TV to Jurassic Park. He got under the blanket next to me, and without a word, he pulled me in close to him. I should have objected, but I didn’t. He was warm.

“I’m using you for body heat,” I told him as I fitted my head against his shoulder.

“Feel free.”

We stayed like that until I was warm enough that I could have moved, but I still didn’t.

“Hey, Mars,” he said, turning the volume down on the television.

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about New York?”

I tilted my head up to look at him. “I don’t have feelings about New York. I’ve never been.”

“Really?” he asked. “Do you want to go?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“How about spring break?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come with me to New York for spring break.” I tried to sit up, but his arm was still around me, and he just smiled as I listed back into him. “I want you to go with me.”

“Derek, I don’t know,” I said, looking down. “Why are you even going?”

“I have an interview.”

“Oh,” I whispered.

“Why do you sound so sad?”

My gaze met his again. “You’re going to leave at the end of the semester.”

“Maybe. That makes you sad?”

“It shouldn’t, but… yes,” I admitted softly.

“New York isn’t that far away.”

“No.”

But my fears were deeply rooted. They were a result of him ditching me all those years ago. He didn’t seem like the same guy who had done that to me. He’d put in all the effort to win me over. And dammit, it was working. Only for him to leave again.

“Can we cross that bridge when we get there?” he asked. “Just come with me to New York. You’ve never been. I’m staying with a buddy. He won’t care if you come with.”

“You’re sure?”

Derek chuckled. “Yes. He has plenty of room.”

“Okay,” I said quietly.

He didn’t push for more. He just held me against him with such tender ease. “Don’t think about it, Mars. Just be here with me.”

“I don’t want it to get complicated,” I told him.

“Then don’t make it complicated.”