Outrageously in Love by Jen Morris

39

Paula sends me home early. Apparently I’m not keeping it together as well as I think I am, and when she catches me having a little cry in the bathroom she decides I’ve done enough for the day.

But at home I just stand in the living room and stare blankly at nothing, unsure of what to do with myself. I should be preparing my resume to start job-hunting but, God, I can’t face it. I’ll start tomorrow.

In the end I curl up on the sofa and put on a movie (The Empire Strikes Back, if you must know. I wanted to, I don’t know, “be” with Luke) but there’s a knock at the door. I pause the opening credits and peel myself off the couch. When I swing the door open, my jaw sags at the figure on the doorstep. But before I can say anything, Alex throws her arms around me.

“Oh my God, Harriet. I’m so sorry!”

I let her hug me, dumbstruck. Over her shoulder, I spy Michael coming up the steps.

“Can you ever forgive me?” She pulls back, her eyes misty as she contemplates my face. Why on earth is she asking me for forgiveness? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

“Give her a minute,” Michael says to Alex, chuckling.

I step aside and motion for them to come in. They enter the living room and Michael’s gaze lands on the television, the corners of his eyes creasing in a smile.

“Luke and Henry are obsessed with this film.”

I look away, blinking back the tears that spring to my eyes. Seeing Michael—with his uncanny similarities to Luke—is almost too much to bear.

“Honey,” Alex admonishes, shaking her head at him. He looks chastened, and she turns her attention back to me. “Are you okay? You look…”

“Not really.” I flop back onto the sofa.

“I’ll make some tea, then we can talk.”

I nod, my gaze involuntarily returning to Michael. He shifts his weight and I gesture to a chair. We sit in awkward silence, staring at the frozen film credits on the screen, while Alex clatters about in the kitchen. A few minutes later she appears with tea and settles onto the sofa beside me, folding her legs up underneath her and cradling her mug.

I take my tea with a weak smile. “What are you doing here?”

“Honeymoon,” she says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Michael wanted to see where I grew up, and he promised we could stop over at Hawaii on the way home, so…” She shrugs, grinning, then her face turns serious. “First thing’s first, I need to apologize.”

“Why? If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I’m sorry I lied to you, and I never meant to ruin your wedding. I thought you’d never speak to me again, and—”

“Oh, Harri. You don’t have to apologize. I completely attacked you for what happened with Luke and I had no right.”

I blush, sliding an uncomfortable look to Michael. I can only assume she told him I was sleeping with Luke and I don’t know what he must think of me. “Michael, honestly, it was an accident, me and Luke. I didn’t know he was your brother and I didn’t know he was married, at least not when we met, but…” I trail off, unsure of what else I can say. I can’t tell him Luke and Dena are divorced because I’ll sound delusional.

But it’s more than that. Even after everything that happened, I still don’t feel like I can tell them the truth. It’s not my place. If Luke wants to tell them he can, but I’m not going to do it. I shouldn’t have to.

Alex places a gentle hand on my arm. “Luke told us everything.”

I nearly drop my tea. “You mean…”

“Yeah,” Michael says. “He told us he separated from Dena five months ago, that they’re divorced, and that he didn’t want to ruin our wedding with the news. Then he told us about you.” He shakes his head ruefully. “He’s an idiot. He should have told me about his divorce. I knew things weren’t great in his marriage, but I didn’t realize how bad it was. I wish he hadn’t gone through all that alone.”

I gape at them, a strange combination of relief and frustration rippling through me. After everything that happened, he told them?

“Dad didn’t take it very well,” Michael mutters, running a hand over his beard.

“Wait.” I set my tea down. “He told your parents too?”

Michael nods, reaching for his cup on the table. “Yep. Dad flipped out, but I played the wedding card—I told him it was my wedding and he needed to stop making a scene. It worked pretty well.”

“Wait,” I repeat, in utter disbelief. “Luke announced it at your wedding?”

“He did.” Alex blows on her tea. “Once you’d gone, we tried to carry on. We danced for a bit, but Luke looked so miserable. I actually thought he was going to cry.”

I glance wide-eyed at Michael and he nods. “Yeah, he was pretty cut-up once he realized you’d left.”

“Really?”

“Dena asked him to dance and he lost it,” Alex says. “We could hear him yelling, but we didn’t know what was going on. Then he went out into the corridor and I followed him to see if he was okay. I think he felt really bad because he apologized for making a scene and tried to pull himself together. But I told him to sit down, and I went and got Michael, and we stayed with him until he’d told us everything.”

I stare at her, my head spinning.

“I lost my shit at him,” Michael says with a grimace. “You’re Alex’s younger sister. It just felt so… wrong.”

I let my gaze fall to the floor, ashamed. “I know. I should never have—”

“No,” Michael says, and I’m surprised by the sharp edge to his voice. “He shouldn’t have gone after you.”

“Michael was looking out for you,” Alex explains. “You’re basically his little sister now.”

“Oh.” I think back to the dinner before the wedding, when Michael said he was happy to have me as his sister-in-law and called me his “new little sister.” And what Luke said, about how he didn’t want to tell Michael we’d been sleeping together… Wow, I don’t think I realized just how protective Michael actually feels of me. God, now I really do feel like his sister. I look at him and cringe. “I know it’s weird, me sleeping with your brother. But it wasn’t Luke’s fault—he didn’t go after me. We both, I mean, we—” I break off, my throat too clogged with emotion.

“I know,” Michael murmurs, softening. “I didn’t realize that at first. I just started yelling at him about how inappropriate it was for him to pursue you. And then… I don’t know. The more I spoke to him, the more I realized it wasn’t like that. I tried to tell him to go and talk to you, but he said he wasn’t going to leave my wedding. So then I told him he needed to at least tell Mom and Dad, to stop worrying about my wedding and just get it over with. And then it was like once he had my permission, he just went for it. He told Dena he couldn’t keep the act up anymore, then he told Mom and Dad everything.” Michael gives a grim little laugh. “I’ve never seen him talk to Dad like that.”

I wince, thinking of the horrible things William probably said to him. I wonder if he was as awful as Luke said he’d be. There’s a tug in my heart at the thought of Luke hurting, and my eyes well with tears.

Alex puts an arm around me and squeezes me into her side. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t know the full story, and now I can see you were protecting him. You were just keeping your word.”

I nod, wiping my eyes and trying to collect myself. “I’m so sorry this blew up at your wedding. We never—I never… I didn’t want it to ruin everything and it did.”

Alex smiles. “It didn’t ruin everything. Please don’t think that.”

I let my breath out in a long exhale. Hearing Alex say the wedding wasn’t ruined—knowing she isn’t mad at me—makes the block of tension that has been sitting heavy in my middle since her wedding lighten ever so slightly.

“Besides,” she adds, “that wasn’t even the most dramatic thing that happened. After that, there was this huge blowup with Mel and Mark.”

“What?”

“Apparently Mel has been having an affair with some married guy for the past few months. The wife must have found out, because she called Mark at the wedding and told him everything. He got super drunk and got up on the mic and told Mel he never loved her because he still loves Cat. It was crazy.”

“Oh my God,” I mutter. I think of how Mel called me Luke’s “dirty little secret” and said that he was hiding me because he didn’t care about me. That wasn’t about me at all—it was about her.

“But you’re not totally off the hook,” Alex says, her lips quirking playfully. “Michael and I will figure out some kind of high-jinx to pull at your wedding to get you back.”

I give her a funny look. “My wedding?”

“To Luke,” she says, reaching for her mug again and taking a sip.

“What?”

She gazes at me for a second over her tea, then rolls her eyes. “He’s in love with you, Harri.”

My pulse leaps. “What?”

She laughs, and when I look at Michael, he just shrugs and smiles.

“But… he hasn’t tried to get in touch with me.”

“He knows he made a mess of everything.” Michael sets his cup down with a sigh. “He shouldn’t have brought Dena to the wedding in the first place, and he shouldn’t have walked away from you. But… I can also understand why he felt like he had no choice. I mean, I did exactly what he thought I would do—I got mad at him. And it might sound like an excuse, but our father—” Michael’s brow dips and he shakes his head. “Luke’s spent his whole life trying to win Dad’s approval.”

“I know,” I whisper.

Alex squeezes me again. “I think he was just really scared.”

I suck in a shuddering breath as a tear slides down my cheek. Of course he was scared. How could I have let myself forget that? In the moment I’d been so focused on the idea that he didn’t care enough, but what if it hadn’t been about me at all? What if I’d underestimated just how terrified he was of confronting his dad and telling Michael the truth about us? I recall Luke’s words in that corridor—I can’t, Harriet. I’m sorry—and realization flashes through me. It wasn’t that he was refusing to tell them, it was that he felt as though he couldn’t.

More tears wash down my face as I think of him dealing with his brother’s anger and facing his father alone. What if I hadn’t run away, but had stuck by him? What if it hadn’t been about me needing him in that moment, but about him needing me? At the cabin he confessed that he didn’t feel brave—that he’d been living a lie.When I think about this now, a crack forms in my heart. He was there every step of the way for me when I needed help to be brave, but when it came time for me to help him, I didn’t. I made it about me, and I ran.

Michael glances from me to Alex. “Maybe we should go settle in at your folks’ place. Give Harriet some space.”

Her gaze lingers on me for another moment, then she sighs, setting her empty cup down. “Alright. But I’m going to check in on you soon, okay?”

I nod numbly, then send them on their way. When I collapse back onto the sofa, I sit there in a daze for some time, playing Alex’s words on repeat in my head: He’s in love with you. He didn’t turn his back on me at the wedding because he didn’t care enough. It wasn’t about me at all. Of course it wasn’t, how could I have let myself believe that?

I’m so crazy about you, Harriet. Luke’s words on the doorstep of the cabin echo through my head. My heart is sore as I think about what he was trying to say. Then the other words come back to me—you make me feel alive, like no one ever has—and despair rolls through me, breaking like a wave across my chest. Because if he is in love, it’s not really with me, it’s with a fantasy self I created, a “wild girl” who doesn’t exist. I’d somehow convinced myself that it was just a tiny white lie—that it didn’t matter because I was becoming that new, fearless version of myself—but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because I ran away when Luke needed me the most.

A sob escapes me and I curl into a ball on the sofa, hugging my knees, letting the tears stream down my face. I’ve fallen in love with a guy who can’t really love me back, because I lied about who I am.

What a mess.

“Oh my God, hon!” I glance up and, through my tears, see Steph hurrying across the living room. She dumps a suitcase beside the sofa and crouches in front of me. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“No,” I manage through a fresh surge of tears.

She sits beside me, pulling me into a hug. She doesn’t say any more; just holds me while I sob like a baby. It takes me some time, but gradually I feel the hysteria subside, and I straighten up, sniffling.

“Is this about the best man?”

I nod, reaching for a tissue to dry my eyes.

“You want to talk about it?”

I look at Steph, knowing I need to tell her the full story. Because while she knew I was sleeping with Luke—and that he was also Michael’s brother—what I never told her about was Dena, and his divorce, and his dad. I take a deep breath, and with a heavy heart, I finally tell her everything.

“Wow,” Steph says when I finish. “That’s… a lot.”

“Yeah.”

Her eyebrows tug into a frown. “Are you angry with him for not sticking up for you at the wedding?”

I look down at my hands, thinking about this. It was humiliating and I was hurt. I should be mad as hell—I should want him to suffer, like I did. But I don’t feel that way. I know he’s a good guy—I know he has suffered. He acted from a place of pain and fear, and that’s a place I know all too well.

“No,” I whisper. “I understand why he didn’t. And… he did, in the end. I just ran away before he could.”

Steph reads something on my face I didn’t know was there. “You’re in love with him.”

I nod.

“Oh, Harri,” she says, hugging me again. “You need to go and fight for him. Harriet 2.0 would.”

I sigh, pressing my fingers to my eyelids in frustration. “That’s the problem, Steph. I’m not Harriet 2.0, am I? But that’s who I told him I was. He kept going on and on about how I made him feel alive, how he loved my wild side. I don’t have a bloody wild side!”

Steph gives a disgruntled huff. “Bullshit.”

“What?”

“Bullshit. You do have a wild side.”

I laugh humorlessly. “Oh that’s right, what did you say? Returning library books after the due date. Somehow I don’t think that’s the kind of outrageous things Luke had in mind.”

“For fuck’s sake, Harriet. Did you even listen to the story you just told me? You dyed your hair bright red, went on a freaking trapeze and went skinny-dipping. You had your first orgasm with a stranger on a plane, then had a secret affair with him! I’m sorry, but if that’s not outrageous then I don’t know what is.” She folds her arms across her chest, leveling her gaze at me.

And for a moment, I’m speechless. Hearing everything listed out like that certainly does sound, well, wild.

“Okay,” I say at last. “I can see what you’re saying. But…” I shake my head, thinking of my panic attack at the wedding. I didn’t tell Steph that part before, but I think it’s time she knows the full truth. Not just about the wedding—about all of my past. “There’s something you don’t know about me.” My voice shakes, but I continue, regardless. I tell her what I told Luke—about the girls who tormented me at high school, about how I couldn’t hold it together, about what I did to cope with it all. And then I tell her about the wedding. By the time I’m finished I’m in tears again, and Steph hands me a tissue, her face etched with concern.

“Why have you never told me this?”

“I guess…” I blow my nose loudly. “I was worried you might think less of me.”

“Why would I think less of you? Harriet, if anything, that makes me think you’re a badass. You lived through all that shit and came out the other side, stronger. Sounds exactly like Harriet 2.0 to me.”

“No.” I curl into a ball again, feeling exhausted. “She’s fearless and I’m not.”

“No one is fearless. Everyone is afraid of something. And Luke saw that side of you, Harri. He knows you’re not fearless.”

“Maybe,” I mumble. Tears fill my eyes again and I turn my head away so Steph doesn’t see. “I’m going to have a lie-down.” I drag myself to my feet and shuffle out of the living room before Steph can say anything else.

* * *

“Merry Christmas.”I’m woken by Steph sitting on the edge of my bed, thrusting a sheet of paper towards me.

“What?” I wriggle up in bed, rubbing my eyes and taking the paper from her.

“I said, Merry Christmas.”

“It’s not even November yet.”

She grins, her eyes shimmering with mischief. “I know. This is your early Christmas present.”

I glance down at the paper and blink the sleep out of my eyes. When I figure out what I’m holding, I look up at Steph again in shock.

She chuckles. “This might also have to be your Christmas present for next year, and the year after. And maybe your birthday present too.”

“You’ve bought me a ticket to New York,” I say in disbelief.

“Yep. You’re going to tell Luke how you feel.”

“Oh God.” I press my eyes shut in exasperation. “Steph, this is very generous, but I really don’t think—”

“This cost me a fortune, Harri. You’re going.”

“Well, what about work?” I huff. “I have a job, you know, and—”

“I know Paula sold, and I know you know. So that excuse isn’t flying either.”

I shove the air from my lungs as I look at the date and time printed on the ticket. It’s tomorrow night. She’s bought me a bloody flight to New York for tomorrow night. This must have cost her a couple thousand at least, and in big, bold text it says it’s non-refundable. She’s a maniac.

“So what am I supposed to do? Just show up on his doorstep and say ‘Hi, Luke! I’m in love with you!’”

“You can word it however you like, but yeah, that’s the gist of it.” She shrugs. “Come on, Harriet. You did all these amazing things in New York and totally faced your fears, but now you’re letting your fear win.”

I chew on a nail. She’s right about that, and not just now. I let my fear win at the wedding, when I ran away from Luke. And I never once actually told him how I felt, how he made me feel so alive, too. But…

“What about the fact that I lied to him?”

Her face softens. “I know you think you have to be some outlandish version of yourself for him to like you, but you don’t. You’re better than that, because you don’t have to pretend to be fearless. You can be your own kind of brave, even when things are scary.”

I glance down at the ticket again and my stomach seesaws with nerves. Can I be that brave?

“Go to New York and tell Luke how you feel,” Steph says again, more gently. “Tell him the truth about Harriet 2.0. He’s seen the real you anyway. He won’t care.”

I look up at Steph again, swallowing. She’s right about that, too. He did see the real me, the one that no one else has ever seen. I just have to tell him the truth and hope that he’ll still want me.

I just have to be that brave.