Always You by Lizzie Morton
Ten
A high-pitched screeching noise jars me awake.
“What the fuck?” I vaguely remember Zoe messing with my cellphone last night, with a mischievous look on her face.
Groaning, I fumble about trying to find the offending object. Eventually, when I do, I spend another minute trying to silence it. Damn the effects of alcohol, I’m a mess.
The dull ache in my head intensifies, all thanks to the strong drinks Sam was plying me with all night. It seemed a good idea at the time, but now I hate myself for losing control. I decide that Sam must share the blame for my hangover, and I intend to make him suffer later when he’s covering at Riffs alongside me. He’ll have to carry my sorry ass through a busy Saturday shift. Lucky him.
Looking at the time, I curse Zoe again. It’s only 7.30am and my shift isn’t until later in the afternoon, but there’s no chance of getting back to sleep. Rather than wasting away the morning feeling hungover, I drag myself out of bed and do something I haven’t had a chance to since getting back to Brooklyn.
I run.
Once I’ve thrown on my gear, I head out quietly, not wanting to wake up my parents on their day off. Even though it’s early, the heat is already rising, but manageable enough for a steady pace. I slip in my headphones and begin pounding the sidewalks in the early morning sun. Taking my favorite route from when I was younger, I make my way to Brooklyn promenade, enjoying the views across the Hudson, to Manhattan.
When I return home over an hour later, I’m grinning, relishing the burn in my lungs and the ache in my muscles. It’s a feeling I’ve missed, along with the rush of endorphins. The run has done its job, clearing the worst of my hangover, maybe today won’t be too bad after all. The positive vibes are out in full force, and as I step through the front door, the smell of fresh pancakes hits my nose, making my stomach growl.
I find my mom at the kitchen stove, still in her pajamas and the same apron she’s worn since I was a kid.
“Morning, honey. Good run?” She looks happy to see me, but it doesn’t stop her raising her eyebrows and wrinkling her nose at the sweat literally dripping off me.
“Yeah. Sorry for making a mess,” I reply, looking at the puddle I’m creating on the kitchen floor.
“Nothing that can’t be cleaned. Pancakes?”
“Do I need to answer that?” My stomach reinforces my answer, loudly.
“So, you had fun last night? I didn’t hear you get in.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve let myself have fun like that. Too long.”
“It’s good to have fun, Abby. You used to be carefree, maybe not as much as Sophie and Zoe, but still. You work too hard now and you’ll run yourself into the ground if you’re not careful.”
“I know, Mom, I’ve just been focused that’s all. I promised the girls last night that I would let my hair down more often.”
“Good. Did you see Jake?” Straight to the point. I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s asking about him.
“Blunt much, Mom?”
“Well?” She refuses to back down.
“I did, briefly and it was fine.”
The doubtful look she throws me, makes it evident she knows I’m lying. Still, I choose to omit the details of the moment Jake and I had. I’m not even sure it could be classed as a moment. With a clear head, it feels like I could have been imagining it.
“He’s working with your father …”
“It’s not a problem. They’re in the same industry. It was kind of inevitable. Plus, Jake and I can’t avoid each other forever.” I’m fully aware of the irony of what I’m saying. All I’ve done so far is try and convince myself and others that we won’t see each other, yet here I am saying the opposite.
“Ok. I just wanted to check you’re ok with all of this.”
“Honestly … everything is all good. I’ve already told Dad this.”
I watch as Mom dishes up breakfast, then I tuck in quietly. Between us we have a silent agreement that the subject of Jake is closed. We sit in an amicable silence while eating, and I groan, rubbing my stomach in appreciation when I feel like I can’t eat any more.
“Seriously, Mom that was so good.” I’ve missed a lot of things in the years I’ve been gone, but her cooking, I’ve missed the most.
She smiles, then asks, “What are your plans for the rest of the day?”
“It’s still early, so I think I’ll get cleaned up and take my camera for a shoot around on my way to the bar. I’ve got a double shift this afternoon.”
“Sounds great. Well, I’ll leave you to it.”
“Thanks for breakfast.” I stand, then lean down and place a kiss on her head like I have done since I was a kid. I then spend a couple of minutes clearing the table before heading upstairs to shower and change.
Heading out with my camera later, I wind up walking the distance from home to Riffs, even though it’s a trek. I need time to clear my head, so I take my time snapping everything that catches my eye. It’s what makes me happy and it feels good to be photographing for fun rather than work. It reminds me that I do what I do because I love it, and it’s a good distraction. Still, it’s not enough.
In the fleeting moments where I’m not focused on keeping myself present, my mind constantly wanders back to Jake.
***
6 years earlier
I look at Jake uncertainly and whisper, “I guess I’ll see you later?” We’ve spent an amazing and rare afternoon alone together without the rest of the group. We’ve hung out in different places, laughed, talked and enjoyed being together. It’s been perfect and I keep pinching myself, trying to remember that this is really happening to me, and I get him all to myself.
“You sure you don’t want to come back to mine for a while? We could just watch a movie or something …” he scuffs his feet against the sidewalk, looking down. His tone is uncertain, which is unusual for Jake as usually he’s full of confidence. But I get to see a different, more vulnerable side to him. When he glances up, he has a hopeful look on his face, and it breaks my heart a little that I’m going to take away the happy expression that’s been on his face all day.
“I’m sorry, you know I can’t. Dad will literally kill me. He’s already unhappy with this.” It’s the truth.
My parents have always been cool with me hanging around with a mixed group, but they’ve caught wind that Jake and I have been spending more time alone, and Dad has pulled the reins in tight. He’s not ready to let go of his baby yet.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he lets out a sigh. “I know, sorry. I shouldn’t have asked again.” He seems resigned but continues, “It’s just today’s been good, really good. I’m not ready for it to end yet.”
Catching my eye, he wills me to change my mind. His gaze intensifies, as it moves down towards my lips, like he wants to move in and do more than just talk. I swallow nervously. It’s all I can do. The truth is I’ve never been kissed, and the thought that Jake might want to, fills me with dread, because I don’t have a clue what to do.
“I like that we talk in person now,” he smiles. Reaching over he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and his touch gives me goosebumps.
I know he’s being playful, referring to the times when we only ever used to talk on the phone or online, because I was too terrified to talk to him in person. It’s taken a long time for us to get to this point, and I’m surprised he didn’t give up and walk away. Maybe I’m reading too much into the whole thing and all he wants is to be friends. But when he looks at me like he’s doing now, my heart feels like it’s about to leap out of my chest. I’ve never felt like this before. Ever.
The intensity is getting too much. As he refuses to look away, I tilt my head forward, looking down to break the moment.
“Well, it just took me some time to work up the courage,” I say finally, and a little defensively. “I’m not used to all this attention.”
He clears his throat and steps forward, eliminating the space between us. Grasping my chin gently, he encourages me to raise my face and look him in the eyes. “Well get used to it, cause I’m not going anywhere.” With a tenderness that makes my heart pound he continues, “Please don’t hide from me, Abby. You don’t need to.”
Instead of kissing me, he pulls me in for a hug. My limbs are everywhere as I’m not used to the physical contact and he’s caught me off guard. He merely chuckles seeming nervous and unsure himself.
When he manages to engulf me in his arms, his larger frame covering mine, I can’t get enough of the moment. The nerves seep away, and my heartrate slows as I begin to enjoy every second. I don’t ever want to let go. My eyes burn, as I’m completely overwhelmed with how I’m feeling. I tuck my face further into his chest, breathing in his scent, trying to commit it to memory in case this is the only time I’ll ever get to be this close.
He responds to my eagerness by leaning his head down and nuzzling my neck, then gently, he trails the tip of his nose up to my ear. His warm breath comes out quickly, and I feel like I’m about to combust as I begin to lose the feeling in my legs.
Just when I think I’m about to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk from sensation overload, he drags me out of my bliss-induced haze, by murmuring into my ear, “Next time … I want you and me alone. I want you all to myself with no audience.” The last bit is followed by his signature chuckle, as he pulls away and begins walking backwards. “See you later, pretty girl.”
I stand, gawping in shock at the loss of contact. Blood rushes to my cheeks and Jake laughs again, knowing the effect he’s having on me. Then, he offers a small wave before turning and walking away. I watch his retreating form and notice an old couple sitting on a bench near to where Jake and I have been standing, with bemused expressions on their faces. I realize they are the audience Jake was referring to. It snaps me out of my daze, and I glance at my cell realizing the time. I don’t have much time to get back before Dad starts to go crazy.
As the subway sways steadily, I think back to what Jake said. He wants to be alone, with me. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to take things further, from small touches to something more? I don’t know. I’ve never even kissed anyone, but I know Jake would never pressure me to do anything I wasn’t ready for.
I might not be certain how far I’m willing to take things yet, but there is one thing I am certain of. If there is anyone that I want all my firsts to be with, it’s Jake.
