Always You by Lizzie Morton
Nine
Dusk is setting in when I arrive at Riffs, adding a blue hue to the city. The light pouring from the bars seems to pop more than usual making them appear even more inviting. The heat of the day has yet to subside and there’s a buzz in the air igniting my senses. The smells, the light, the atmosphere. Tonight, everything feels alive and different.
Stepping inside, I scan the room for the group. I don’t have to look far despite it being busy, as I can clearly see Sophie and Zoe standing at the main bar with Sam.
“Abby, over here!” Sophie shouts excitedly, attracting attention from a few people surrounding her.
“I have eyes that work, you don’t need to screech,” I say when I eventually manage to maneuver my way through the tightly packed crowd.
“I can’t help it! I’m so excited we’re all back together again.” Her voice gets gradually louder as she speaks. “This is the group’s first night out in like forever!” She’s only pint sized, but she can reach unexpected volumes. As she bounces up and down on her feet, it’s like watching a pixie that’s high. I refrain from rolling my eyes, accepting she’s overly excited.
Instead, I turn to Sam and ask, “What are we drinking?”
“Shots!” shouts Zoe in my ear.
I wince and rub at it, flashing her an annoyed look. “Thanks for that. I’m not having shots I haven’t started drinking yet.”
“And that’s why shots are a good idea,” she grins, clapping her hands together.
“Seriously. I’m not playing babysitter tonight. How much have you had already?”
The fact she’s stood upright is the evidence I need. She hasn’t had anywhere near her usual intake, but after the puking incident last week, I’d rather stay vigilant.
“Not enough, you bore. You need to get drinking like now.”
“Laaaaydeeees,” interrupts Sam, hooking an arm around each of our shoulders. “No drama … remember? Abby, you need to get a drink down you and chill out. Zoe, you need water. We’re here to see a band, not go home before they start.”
Zoe turns away, ignoring Sam’s comment, choosing to chat with Sophie. They each throw me a look that says I’m shitting on their parade. Whatever, they’ll forget about it after the next drink.
As we go to order Sam asks, “Beer? Please tell me you haven’t become a wine bitch while you’ve been away?”
“I’ll take the biggest beer they’ve got,” I reply with a smile.
“That’s my girl.” With the arm that’s still looped round my shoulders, he tugs me in close and murmurs into my hair, “Good to have you back, Abs.”
“It’s good to be back, Sammy.” I gaze up at him with the familiarity only old friends have, and then Sam rings my order in.
It’s getting busier but thanks to working the bar and being the owners’ friend and brother, we don’t have to wait long. When we have our drinks, we make our way outside for the gig, joining everyone else.
Outside has undergone a complete transformation. The tables which are usually scattered around, have been moved to the perimeter, providing room for standing in front of the stage. Overhead are thousands of fairy lights which create an ambient glow against the dusky sky, and lush greenery used to decorate the area. Despite being large and full of people, the space feels intimate, and chills run down my spine with excitement.
There are a few people I don’t recognize when we join the group, and I assume they joined the ranks while I’ve been gone over the years. One person I do recognize is Zach, who I met during my first visit to the bar. I expect some animosity as he’s Jake’s best friend, but just like the first time I met him, he offers me a friendly smile. I smile back and mouth “Hi” at him, deciding he’s a genuinely nice guy.
Taking a large swig of the beer Sam ordered, I choke as the taste fills my mouth.
“Shit, Sam, how strong is this?” I splutter. He’s handed me the strongest one he could get, rather than the refreshing one I wanted.
“We told you to catch up,” he laughs with no remorse. “Plus, it saves you having to go back for a while. You don’t want to miss the band.”
“With this, I don’t think I’ll need to go back for the rest of the night.” I scrunch my face up as I take another small sip. It burns going all the way down my throat.
Zoe chips in, “Seriously, Abs? What’ve you been doing while you’ve been away? You’re out of practice and no fun, you need to let your hair down for once.”
“She’s right you know,” Sam agrees. He looks slightly apprehensive for my reaction, but there’s already a buzz in my system from the small amount I’ve drank, and any fight in me has gone.
“I have been working a lot.” A deflated feeling takes over. They may be on to something. It’s been a long time since I really let myself go and enjoyed life without worrying about the consequences it would have on my future. A small part of me wants to let go and just be carefree.
“Let’s change that while you’re here,” says Sophie, drawing me into a hug. “We need to make sure we have the best summer yet.” Like my first night in Brooklyn, she’s bouncing around, and raises her drink in the air causing some of it to slosh over the sides of the glass. “Come on, guys, let’s do a toast to the best summer!”
Everyone raises their glasses and starts downing their drinks. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I join in the best I can, drinking as much as possible, despite how strong it is.
Sam points out my poor attempt. “You can do better than that, Abs.”
I punch him in the arm. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to get me drunk.”
He leans in and says quietly, “That’s because I am.”
“Haha very funny, you can stop now.” I turn away and catch Sophie and Zoe watching us with amused expressions. “What?”
“Are you two going to stop flirting so we can watch the gig?” Grabbing my arm, Zoe leads the way towards the stage, maneuvering us swiftly through the crowd.
We spend the rest of the time before the band comes on stage laughing and joking, buzzing with excitement. At one point the guys move away to grab more drinks, quickly returning before the gig begins. Thankfully my second drink isn’t anywhere near as strong as the first.
The crowd roars in appreciation, as the opening notes from the band sound out through the night air. They’re modern rock, the same genre we used to listen to when we were younger. Being here tonight is both refreshing and nostalgic. It feels good to be back to my old ways, letting go and enjoying life.
As the tracks go on, the night gets darker but warmer. The crowd presses in around us and I can feel my hair beginning to stick to the back of my neck, so I gather it up and sweep it over one shoulder. The band starts to play one of their most popular songs and the crowd sways from side to side to the opening riffs. I can’t help getting caught up in the moment, swaying with them, closing my eyes and completely losing myself in the song.
The lyrics are a story about a girl captivating a guy, giving him everything she has, following him and trying to help him be the best version of himself. The story reaches to me, draws me in, and leaves me feeling breathless, as it hits a nerve. I’m still standing, eyes closed, listening, when a sudden feeling of awareness washes over me. Goosebumps cover my body.
Reacting to the signal my body is giving, I turn to speak to Sophie. Instead, I bump straight into a broad, firm chest. I look up, straight into Jake’s eyes. It takes a second for me to gather my bearings, thanks to a mixture of the strong alcohol Sam has been ploughing me with, and Jake’s sudden proximity. I blink a few times and realize I’m still staring straight into his eyes. Unfazed, he stares back down with an intensity that takes my breath away.
Disorientated, I stumble back, but Jake catches me quickly, steadying me with his hands firmly on my hips. His eyes never leave my face, and as hard as I try to fight the urge to look at him, mine betray me. Despite his serious expression, with the soft glow from the lights above and the slight sheen of sweat from the heat, all I can think is how beautiful he looks. He has the kind of masculine beauty that makes every woman give him a second, longing glance.
When I allow my eyes to meet with his, my body trembles. I’m sure he can feel it, thanks to his hands still planted on my hips, his fingers digging in. I will myself to move, or at the very least look away, but I can’t. I’m desperate to take in more of the face staring back at me, in some ways so familiar, but in others, that of a stranger.
He’s older and manlier. The scruff on his jaw is new and draws my attention to his mouth, where my gaze lingers. I lick my lips in anticipation. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I do right now, but the thought of losing complete control with Jake terrifies me.
I’m not sure how long we stay staring at each other, but the moment is broken when Zach taps abruptly on Jake’s shoulder. Looking between the two of us he seems wary, and it’s the first time he’s been anything but open and friendly towards me. He murmurs something in Jake’s ear, which gauges a reaction, causing Jake to pull away quickly.
The sudden absence leaves me feeling embarrassed, but the rest of the group are too engrossed with the band. No one apart from Zach has noticed the moment that Jake and I shared. A riot of emotions course through me, mainly frustration. Frustration that despite telling everyone, as well as myself, that this summer would be fine and there was no need to worry, it’s only taken us seeing each other twice, for my willpower to disappear.
A war is waging internally as I try to rationalize the situation. Maybe I misread the moment, and maybe thanks to the mix of alcohol and heat, my imagination is running away with itself. I tell myself that Jake was only helping to steady me, thanks to the crowd around us making me almost fall. And the look I mistook for lust, was obviously confusion. I was after all rooted to the spot, staring at him like a lunatic. A simple explanation. One that makes me look like a fool.
My cell buzzes in my pocket, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts. I read Michael’s name on the screen, and the realization I haven’t given my boyfriend a second thought for the past week causes guilt to hit me. Yes, I’ve been avoiding contact with him, but all I want now is to hear his voice, to have something familiar ground and comfort me, after Jake has caused things to feel so unsettled.
With perfect timing the band wrap up for a quick break, as my cell continues vibrating in my hand. It provides the perfect excuse to put some distance between myself and Jake. A small part of me wonders if that’s what I really want, but I quieten the voice, reminding myself that Michael is safe, secure, and with him there’s no risk. He won’t leave me like Jake did, because he loves me too much.
My voice is far too loud and over the top as I answer the call. “Hey, baby, I miss you.”
The pet name grabs Zoe’s attention, and she makes a vom motion at me. When her eyes settle on Jake, at first, she looks surprised. Then she rolls her eyes when it dawns on her why I’ve been over the top and using pet names which I hate.
“I can’t hear you properly. Are you ok? Where are you?” Michael’s voice draws my attention back to my cell.
“Sorry, I’m at a gig. It was a last-minute thing. I should have text you, so you didn’t bother calling.”
“I’m jealous. I wish I were there with you.”
The crowd settles into the break time buzz and the noise amplifies. Plugging a finger into my other ear, I try to block it out, so I can hear what he’s saying, but it’s no good.
“Hang on a second,” I say, “I can’t hear you. Let me move somewhere quieter.” I mouth to Sophie that I’ll be back soon, then move away from the group, without so much as a backward glance at Jake. “Better?” I ask, stepping outside the front of Riffs.
“Yeah, I can hear you now,” he replies.
“I’ve been wanting to say … I’m sorry for this week. You know, for not being in contact much.” It takes a lot for me to own up to my mistakes, I’m stubborn like that, but Michael hasn’t done anything to deserve my silence.
“I know you’re busy. I’m just counting down the days till I can see you again. This summer already feels like it’s been too long.”
I surprise us both with the words that come out next. “I know. I miss you.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I guess I do. Is that so hard to believe?”
It shouldn’t be hard to believe and that’s what’s sad about mine and Michael’s relationship, that it’s gotten to this point. Right now, truthfully, I do miss him and the simplicity of the life I had back in Florida. A life without Jake.
“It’s not like you to say things like that,” he replies skeptically.
“I may have had a couple of drinks,” I chuckle, hoping he sees the funny side. I should probably be alarmed that my boyfriend of four years is surprised at me being openly affectionate.
“That explains it. Anyway, don’t apologize. We both knew the distance would be hard, but we’ll get through it. Right?”
“Of course.” I hope he misses the slight falter in my voice. I’m going to hell for the lies I’m telling.
“In that case, go enjoy your night and we’ll speak soon.”
“Ok. Speak to you later.”
As I hang up, a weight I didn’t know was there, lifts from my shoulders. Although I have reservations about our relationship, Michael and I have still been together a long time, and I hate there being any animosity between us. Speaking to him has made things feel better.
The band has started the second part of their set by the time I rejoin the group. It’s clear they didn’t miss me, as they enjoy the music, drinks in hand.
Sophie hands me a beer, but as I glance around, I realize something has changed. “What happened to Jake?”
“He took off. Had to get to something apparently, but he seemed pissed. You two didn’t have another altercation, did you?” She asks.
“Not that I’m aware of.” There’s a niggle in my chest. Maybe he overheard some of my conversation with Michael as he was leaving. But why would he be bothered?
I refuse to worry over yet another thing which is out of my control and opt for the ‘fuck it’ attitude, knocking back my drink. I blatantly ignore my reservations about how I’ll be tomorrow. It’s what I’ve become good at, ignoring my feelings.
