Always You by Lizzie Morton
Fourteen
6 years earlier
“Abby, we’re at a party in the middle of the wilderness. It’s crazy and there’s a hot tub! A hot tub, Abby,” repeats Zoe. “You have to put a bathing suit on.”
I cross my arms across my chest and shake my head. “No.”
“I dare you,” says Sophie, pulling out the trump card. She knows it’s the one thing I won’t back down from.
“You guys are unbelievable,” I say.
“And you are going to look unbelievable in that bathing suit. Now get your ass moving, kegs are waiting for us.” Sophie dismisses me towards the bathroom with a flick of her hand, making it clear the argument is over and I’ve lost.
Ten minutes later, I finally psyche myself up to go back into the room, in just the bathing suit. It’s a two piece, which I’ve never worn in my life. Until recently, I hadn’t grown into my body, and unlike other girls my age, I’ve so far been too shy to show it off.
“Holy cow!” says Zoe. “Jake is going to blow his load when he sees you. Seriously, you look smoking hot, Abs. Now let’s sort your hair out. We don’t want it getting wet in the hot tub and going all crazy and shit.”
I throw a short green dress on over my bikini to cover my modesty and then let Zoe get to work. After five minutes of Zoe weaving my hair into some sort of braid she saw on Instagram, we leave our designated room in the log cabin where we’re all staying.
It’s senior year, and my mom managed to convince Dad to let me come on the annual senior trip, which is a mix of students from different schools. I may, however, have neglected to tell them that Jake would be on the trip. That and a few other minor details, like the fact there wouldn’t be chaperones, and there undoubtedly would-be underage drinking. Shoot me, it’s the biggest trip/party of the year and there was no way I was missing out on this chance to spend time with my friends and Jake.
It’s the end of November, and as we’re up in the mountains, it’s freezing and snowing outside. There’s a warm glow to everything, making me feel fuzzy and excited. When we make our way down into the open plan kitchen area, the party is already in full swing. The music is loud, people are laughing and tumbling everywhere. Girls are dancing for the guys in their bikinis, even though we’re inside and there isn’t a pool in sight. The guys are chugging their beers, mostly shirtless and in board shorts. It’s my first big party as I’ve never been overly keen to go to one until now. It’s ridiculous, crazy and completely random, but at the same time the buzz is infectious.
Sam’s familiar voice reaches my ears. “Laaaaaydeeeesss!”
We all look and find him standing in the middle of the kitchen with the alcohol. There’s enough to rival some of the biggest clubs in Brooklyn. He hugs us all when we wander over and hands out drinks. The girls declare we have catching up to do, and before I realize what I’m doing, I’ve drunk two beers and a shot. If things didn’t feel fuzzy enough before, they do now. I giggle to myself as I wobble.
A hand grasps my waist. I can feel how large and warm it is through the thin material of my dress. Then a familiar frame presses up against me from behind. I close my eyes, instinctively knowing who it is. I always do. My body is drawn to his like a magnet.
He squeezes my hip gently, then leans down and murmurs into my ear, “Hey you.”
“Hi,” I say breathlessly, struggling to find any other words. I’m completely overwhelmed by the feeling of Jake pressed up against me.
He chuckles, knowing the reaction he’s causing. I’ve never felt comfortable being like this with him before now, but things are changing. Each time I’m with him, it becomes harder to contain my feelings. I know he feels the same. The glances between us last longer, they’re more intense, and the small ‘accidental’ touches are more frequent. It’s inevitable where this is leading, and I don’t know if I will be able to stop myself when it does.
Jake begins slowly tracing circles on my hip with the tip of his finger and I shudder involuntarily.
“Meet me in the hot tub in five minutes,” he whispers, placing a soft kiss on my neck just below my ear. He walks away in the direction of the hot tub outside. It’s the most intimate physical contact we’ve had and I’m about to turn into a useless puddle on the floor.
“Oh. My. God. I’m horny just watching you two,” Zoe slurs. She slings an arm around me and breathes heavily in my face, the stench of beer brings me out of my Jake induced daze.
“Seriously Zo, keep your voice down,” I laugh. Normally I’d be pissed at her for saying things like that so everyone can hear, but I’m too excited at the potential of kissing Jake to care.
“What are you waiting for? Go and finally get your guy.” With a knowing look, Sophie pushes me in the direction of the hot tub.
I make my way over, stopping when I see Jake sat, facing out to the mountains with his chin resting on his arms. He looks so content and peaceful. I’m almost tempted not to disturb him. It’s like he needs this time alone, as if something is troubling him.
But if he didn’t want me to join him, he wouldn’t have asked me to. I approach quietly. Before he can hear me and before I have a chance to get too scared and over think it, I pull my dress over my head and step up to the hot tub, hoping I can dart in before he sees me. I must make some noise because he turns around and his eyes widen as they take me in. His gaze trails slowly down my barely covered body, settling on my chest for a second. He swallows and looks up, meeting my eyes.
Trying to break the silence I say, “Hey, y-you.” My voice falters, adding to the awkwardness. Even worse … he doesn’t respond, just sits staring at me. I lower myself into the water. “Is everything ok?”
The ongoing silence is driving me crazy. I need him to talk before I start to get cold feet about all of this. My question startles him, and he blinks and swallows.
Finally, he clears his throat and says, “Shit, sorry. Yeah, of cour- sor- I …”
We’re sitting at opposite sides of the hot tub staring at each other and I don’t know if I’ve completely misread everything. I feel unsure and incredibly vulnerable. A wave of nausea hits me as my stomach churns.
I go to tuck my hair behind my ear, but I can’t because Zoe put it in a stupid braid and now, I look like I’m doing some weird kind of wave at him.
“Maybe I should go?” I say. My eyes water and tears threaten to spill over. This is so humiliating. How did I ever think that I could waltz in, in a bathing suit? Did I think he would find me sexy? Of course, he wouldn’t. Guys like girls like Zoe, not me.
“Shit. Why do I keep saying shit? Fuck.” Getting frustrated, he stops and takes a breath. “Can we start again? I’m sorry. I’m being an idiot it’s just …”
Before I realize what he’s doing, he leans over, grabs my hand and tugs me towards him. When I’m closer he places both hands on my waist and lifts me effortlessly through the water. My legs move involuntarily, and I wind up straddling his lap. My pulse skyrockets and I swallow, trying to relax.
“Is it me?” I ask. “Do I look bad?” I can’t bare to look him in the eye when he replies, so I look down into the water between us.
“Hey,” he moves one hand under my chin, lifting it gently so I look him in the eye. His expression is unreadable, and I have no idea what he’s thinking. “You look amazing. Incredible. That’s what’s wrong - I’m speechless, Abs. You’ve turned me into a fucking mess.”
Oh. No guy has ever said anything like that to me. I’ve never had such an effect on them that they would need to.
“Really?” I say taken aback by what he’s said.
He nods and stares at me with an intensity that makes me squirm in his lap. Wrong move. In doing so I make accidental contact with his … well you know … which is hard, as, a, rock. I gasp. Partly from shock, and partly from the pleasure it sends soaring through every part of my body.
He glances down at my chest and then tips his head back groaning, “Abby you’re killing me.” When his eyes meet mine again, they’re filled with need.
I might not have a clue what to do, but what I do know is that he’s doing funny things to me and everywhere tingles. If there was ever a time to take a leap and do something daring and completely out of character, it would be now. So, I bring my hands up slowly and place them on his damp chest. He flinches as if my touch causes him pain, but I know that’s not the case, as I feel his you know what twitch against my inner thigh.
“Sorry.” He looks embarrassed, which is unlike Jake. “I have no control over how my body is reacting to you.”
“What if I do this?” I start trailing my fingers up and down his chest, each time reaching lower. Towards his stomach … then lower, towards the waistband of his swim shorts. “Or this?” I lean forwards and press my now wet chest against his, which rises and falls dramatically with each breath he takes.
Then I lean even closer and place a gentle kiss on the top of his shoulder, at the crook of his neck. I’ve never been this bold, because I’ve never done anything like this with a guy before, but with Jake I want to do everything.
I continue and say, “And what if I do this?” I move from the crook of his neck and trace the tip of my nose upwards, then gently suck on his ear lobe, something I’ve read guys like in books.
“Abby …” He says almost as a warning, before he grasps my hair and pulls me back gently. He presses his forehead to mine and we both sit, panting. This is it. The moment we’ve been waiting for. We stay with our bodies pressed together until he nudges the tip of his nose against mine with a small smile on his lips. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”
He licks his lips and then tilts his head, leaning in slowly to kiss me. I close my eyes and move to meet him.
There are only millimeters separating us, when Sophie barrels her way outside, screeching my name. “AAAABBBBYYYY!”
I fly backwards away from Jake, afraid of being caught in such a compromising position, although she’s the last person who would care.
I turn, concerned at what has brought her out like this. “What’s wrong?”
“Zoe has just spewed everywhere. It’s so gross. There’s no way I’m handling that shit alone. Sorry guys, I know you were all ready for bumping uglies.”
I put my head in my hands and let out a groan. “Did you actually just say that? I’ve only been gone like five minutes. How could she be so sick?”
“We may have had some shots while you were getting ready.” There’s no hiding the sheepish look on her face. They know I hate it when they get wasted and I end up having to clean up the mess.
“You owe me, big time.” I glare at her and climb out of the hot tub.
Grabbing a towel and my dress, I turn back and look at Jake. Everything inside me screams in frustration, telling me to leave Zoe and climb back into his arms, so we can finish what we were about to start. But that wouldn’t be me and Jake knows that.
“It’s ok. Go sort her out, there’ll be another time,” he says with a reassuring smile. His eyes tell another story, and I know they reflect the same longing in my own.
I wave Sophie back inside with a stern glare, then I walk around the tub, lean over, and place a kiss on his cheek.
“I can’t wait much longer,” I whisper. And then I walk away … Again.
***
Present Day
It might only be the end of June, but the weather is amazing. We haven’t hit the peak of summer, yet the guys couldn’t have picked a better time for the trip. We walk around the hotel grounds and I can feel the sun beating against my skin, it feels good.
It’s early in the day, so it’s quiet and doesn’t take us long to find the guys at the main pool area. They’ve grabbed enough sun loungers for us all, and once we’re settled, the drinks start. When I frown because of the time, Zoe looks at me pointedly, stating that it’s vacation and anything goes. I refrain from saying that they don’t need the excuse of a vacation, they would be drinking regardless.
We spend the first hour lounging, drinking cocktails and beers, and catching up. The early start was brutal, and mixed with the early drinking, exhaustion takes over. I lay back listening to the group chatting and soon find myself lulled into a deep slumber.
I feel like I’ve been out forever when Zoe wakes me. “Hey, Abs, time to get up,” she says, giving me a gentle shake.
“What time is it?” I reply groggily.
“Just after one.”
“I’ve been out over an hour? Why did no one wake me?”
“Believe me, I would have been the first one to wake you. But you looked so peaceful and you were working late last night, so I thought I’d leave you a while to catch up. I thought it might help you be a little less bitchy.” Reinforcing her last comment, I throw her my best bitch face on purpose. “Or maybe not,” she laughs. “Here, I grabbed you another drink as your last one went all warm and gross.”
“Thanks,” I say, taking the ice-cold, girly looking cocktail. I relish at how refreshing it is in the heat when I take a sip through the funky pink straw.
Sophie and the guys are in the pool throwing a football between them. Sam glances over and when he sees I’m awake shouts, “Yo, Abs, get your ass in here.”
“Pass,” I say in an overly sweet voice. The thought of the guys seeing me in Zoe’s tiny bathing suit is not appealing, even though the heat is becoming unbearable and I know the water will cool me off.
He splashes water in my direction, with a mischievous look. “Come on, don’t be such a bore.”
“Nah, I’m ok.” I take another sip of my drink, then turn to Zoe for back up.
“No way, lady. I’m not getting you out of this one.” She starts laughing and stands up. Her cover up was removed hours ago and she already looks like a bronzed goddess. I can’t help feeling envious at how effortlessly confident she always is. She leans over and with a wink says, “Come on, Abby bear, I dare you …”
“Bitch.”
Totally unphased, she leaves me behind and dives into the pool with the rest of the guys.
I sit and contemplate what I’m going to do. I never back out of a dare, but I really don’t want to take the cover-up off. Maybe I could get in the pool with it on? But then I would look like an idiot.
Sam and the others have lost interest and have gone back to throwing the football around. I decide to suck it up, stop being a loser and join them. I work on the premise that if I’m in the pool, they won’t even be able to see the bathing suit.
I choose a moment when they’re engrossed in their game and stand, pulling my cover-up over my head. What I don’t bargain for is my hair getting caught in the clasp at the back. Rather than the discreet entrance I was going for, I spend the next few minutes making a spectacle of myself, as I tug and try to get my hair out quickly.
A pair of wet hands rest on my shoulders, stopping me from dancing around like an idiot, but I can’t see anything in the mass of hair and material covering my face.
“Here, let me help. You need to stay still for a second.” I don’t need to guess who it is. Jake. Of course. I feel his hands at the nape of my neck, pulling gently at my hair, attempting to loosen it from the clasp of the cover-up. Cursing under his breath, it’s clear he’s struggling. “Sorry. I need to get closer so I can see better. That ok?”
I panic, but can’t exactly say, “no I’m fine,” because clearly, I’m not and I need his help.
I murmur, “Yeah, sure.” Luckily, my face is covered, as it’s likely to be the color of a tomato. I can’t decide if it’s Jakes proximity, his touch on my almost naked body, or the cool water droplets that are dripping off him and running down my skin. I shiver despite the relentless midday heat.
“You good?” He asks under his breath, so only I can hear.
“Mortified, but what’s new?” Embarrassing myself around Jake is becoming the norm so I might as well go with it.
“I’ve almost got it, and don’t be embarrassed.”
I smile to myself at the kindness he’s showing, when really, I deserve anything but after how I left things with him yesterday.
Then he says, “I’m the only one that noticed.” I wonder if he’s realized that he’s given the game away by informing me he was watching. “Done. Hold your hair out of the way and I’ll pull it off, so it doesn’t get stuck again.”
“Great,” I squeak. My conversational skills have reached their peak.
I still can’t see a thing when he turns me, and I assume I’m now facing him. His hands gently skim my chest when he grasps the cover-up and pulls it over my head. My breath catches in my throat and I cringe trying to stop my body from reacting. Once the cover-up is over my head, it takes a second for me to gather my bearings. When my eyes adjust, I look up and see Jake staring back down at me with a frown.
“Thanks,” I say sheepishly.
“Is that all you’re going to wear?”
“E-excuse me?” I stutter, confused.
Before he has a chance to answer we’re interrupted by the rest of the group.
“Holy fuck, Abby,” says Sam. He follows with a loud wolf whistle, drawing even more attention to me, in case the situation wasn’t embarrassing enough.
“What?” I’m seriously hating Zoe right now. I knew this was a bad idea.
“When did you get that body? Loving the bathing suit by the way.”
He’s only being playful, but this is my worst nightmare. I don’t do being the center of attention. I especially don’t do being the center of attention when I have little to no clothing on.
“Really, Sam?” I raise an eyebrow. Deciding if you can’t beat them join them, I laugh and make my way into the water. Knowing he can take it, I say, “You’ve finally stopped loving yourself so much you’ve noticed that other people around you have grown up then?”
“Ha de ha. Believe me, baby, I noticed that you grew up a long time ago.”
“You’re such an ass.” To emphasize my point, I splash water at his face.
A voice says loudly from behind us, “You’re really going to speak to her like that, man?”
Sam and I both turn to see Jake still standing at the side of the pool with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. I don’t want to look like an idiot again, but the way his arms are flexed draws my attention to the tattoos covering them.
Sam raises his hands in the air, and shrugs with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Hey, man, she’s fair game.” He’s baiting him for fun.
Jake shakes his head angrily. I have no idea why he’s getting so worked up, but then it registers what Sam has said. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s being spoken about like a piece of meat.
“That fair game, you’re talking about is one of your oldest friends,” I say. “If you’d like to keep it that way, I suggest you stop talking about me like that.”
Realizing his mistake by using me to annoy Jake, Sam says, “Sorry, Abs, I didn’t mean it that way.” He moves through the water and pulls me into a hug, which is awkward considering how few clothes we have on.
“Just don’t do it again.” I have no fight in me when it comes to Sam, he always finds a way to win me over no matter what he’s said or done.
Sophie wades over and throws her arms around mine and Sam’s shoulders. “Now that everyone is friends again, I think a round of drinks is in order.”
“Hell yeah,” hoots Sam.
“And shots!” Shouts Zoe from somewhere in the background.
The tense moment has passed, and we all make our way out of the water and head towards the bar. Jake and Zach don’t follow. I look back over my shoulder and can see Jake still rooted to the spot where he helped me out of my coverup.
The two of them appear to be sharing heated words. There are a lot of hand gestures, as Zach whispers at him with a serious expression on his face. Every now and again they look over in my direction, and I try not to make it obvious I’m watching them. Zach says something and Jake throws his hands up in frustration.
They look over in my direction one last time and Zach shakes his head before walking away from Jake to where we’re standing at the bar. I offer him a sheepish smile as he passes, which he doesn’t return, and I feel a tug of guilt that I might be the reason for the animosity between the two best friends.
But that would be ridiculous, right?
