Alec by Margaret McHeyzer
I don’t have time for his bullshit. He’s such an entitled prick. I get how Alec is feeling sorry for himself because he’s hurt and can’t get back to work yet, but I’m not putting up with his bullshit. Nope. And what the hell was that kiss? And why did I react to him the way I did?
Driving home, I shake my head and slam my hand on the steering wheel. “You’re an idiot, Serena. A damned idiot!” I shout at myself. Never in a million years would I ever kiss or get involved with a client, so why did I kiss Alec, of all people? Hashtag jerk number one.
Thankfully the drive from Mulberry Point to Faith Haven is less than fifteen minutes. But those fifteen minutes are filled with anxiety and me scolding myself for kissing him.
“You’re not my type.” I replay the scene over and over in my head. “Get your hands off me.” I point out the windshield. “No, of course I don’t want to kiss you.” But I did, so badly. Alec was a temporary relief to a much bigger problem. One I have to manage on my own.
Pulling into my driveway, I stay sitting in the car for too long. I don’t want to go inside. I’m afraid of what I’ll find, or maybe I’m afraid of what I won’t find. I look around the neighborhood, and my stomach tightens. I hate living here. I don’t ever feel safe in my own home, I can’t wait until I’m able to get out of here. If only to get away from the house down the street that’s constantly throwing parties at all hours of the night, and any day of the week. Whenever I drive past, and the two guys who live there are outside, they both stop and stare as I drive into the driveway. They make my skin crawl with their creepy glares.
Looking around, I’m relieved to see they’re not outside. I get out of my car, and head straight inside. The moment I’m in, I lock the front door, and double-check it. Turning, with my back against the front door I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. “Jordan?” I call. A part of me doesn’t want him to be here, but another part of me wishes he was. I’m met with silence, meaning I’m alone. My heart crumbles and I silently pray he’s okay. Opening my eyes, I rifle around in my old, oversized bag for my phone. I check to make sure he hasn’t called me. I notice the time, and I let out a long breath. I’ve got just over an hour before I have to start at my other job, giving me enough time for me to do a twenty-minute meditation. God knows I need it today.
I double-check that the door’s locked, and I head down the small hallway off the tiny kitchen to my room. Shivering, I rub my hands up and down my arms. It’s so cold in here all the time. Doesn’t matter what the temperature is outside, it’s always cold in my room.
Taking out the tin I have hidden at the back and top of my closet, I sit on my bed and open the lid. Lifting the most current photo I have before Mom and Dad passed away, I look at all the smiles on our faces. Dad’s got his arm around Mom’s shoulders, while Jordan is poking his tongue out at the camera, and I’m smiling like a goof. This picture right here is one of happiness, joy, and so much love. I wish we could all go back to this moment when we were all happy.
I slink off my bed and sit on the floor. Crossing my legs, I place the photo on my lap, and find the guided meditation on my phone. Pressing play, I straighten my back, place my hands, palm faced up, on my thighs and close my eyes. This next twenty minutes is only for me. For me to escape the pressures of having to look after my younger brother, while trying to provide food and utilities and everything else life demands of us.
By the time the twenty minutes is over, I’m feeling a lot more positive about what my future holds. I’m doing the best I can, and working on getting help for Jordan, and getting us out of this shithole. Standing, I look at the photo once more and let it fill my heart with all the love we once shared. Placing it back in the tin, I stand and hide it at the back and top of my closet along with my parents’ wedding rings, and Mom’s engagement ring. One day I’m going to meet someone who loves me as much as Dad loved Mom.
One day.
I grab my jeans from the dryer, and my work t-shirt, pull my light brown hair back into a ponytail, and apply some gloss to my lips. Looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, I can see the dark circles under my eyes. I need sleep. But I also need to focus on getting the money together for Jordan’s treatment.
I hear the creak of the front door; my breath catches in my throat and my eyes widen.
“Serena!”
I let out a relieved breath, thankful it’s Jordan. I rush out of the bathroom, and the moment I see him, my shoulders slump and my heart breaks. “Jordan.” I keep my voice from trembling when I see all the spots on his face, and just how thin and sickly he appears. “Where have you been?” I ask.
He half shrugs. “Around. Got any money? I’m hungry and need food.” He comes in for a hug, and I have to hold my breath not to inhale his filth. I balk when he pulls back.
He’s not going to spend my hard-earned money on food. He’s going to go and buy drugs with it. “Um, I don’t. But there’s food in the cupboards and the fridge. Do you want me to make you something quick to eat? I’ve gotta get to work though. Oh, the shower’s free. And I’ve washed your clothes too, so you’ve got clean clothes on your bed.”
“Yeah, thanks. Um, nah, I feel like getting food out. I’m gonna jump in the shower and then take off. I’ve got a buddy waiting for me.”
I know exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to wait for me to leave so he can go through my bedroom and take whatever he thinks has value so he can sell it for drugs. “Yeah? I’ll wait and drop you off.”
“Nah, don’t worry. I’ll walk. You go.”
I hate leaving him here on his own, but I’m also nobody’s fool. I learned from the first and only time he ransacked my bedroom and took everything he thought he could sell. Thankfully, he didn’t find the tin, or he would’ve pawned the little I have left of our previous lives. I changed the door to a thicker wood, and have two locks on it. He lost his shit when he found out I did it, but now, he’s come to terms with it. “I haven’t seen you for days, Jordan, how are you?” He scratches at his arm, while frantically searching around for something. “There’s no money here, and nothing you can take to sell for drugs.”
“I’m not using no more,” he says defensively. “I’m clean now. I promise.” He crosses his heart while eagerly waiting for me to fall for his bullshit.
The scabs on his face, his erratic behavior, and crazy eyes all tells me he’s had a hit recently and he’ll start coming down soon. I smile at him, although my soul is crying. “I’m so happy to hear that. I’m really proud of you.” My stomach churns with sorrow.
I reach out to place my hand on his shoulder, but Jordan pulls back. He lowers his gaze, and sighs. “Fuck, Serena, why do you have to judge me? I told ya, I’m fucking clean.”
“All I said was I’m proud of you.”
His face reddens as a sheen of sweat creeps across his forehead. Without any warning, he slams his fist into the drywall, creating a hole and making me jump in fright. He jerks his hand back, and clears his throat. “Fuck, now I have to fix this. Give me money so I can go buy stuff to fix it with.”
Tears well in my eyes, but I hold it together. “I don’t have any money on me, Jordan. I need to go to the bank to get some out.” In my head, I’m already thinking I can’t outrun him if he tries to make a run for it to my bedroom where my bag is. And I also know there’s twenty dollars in my purse.
“How am I supposed to fix it if you don’t have money? Just give me your card, and I’ll go get the stuff.” He holds his hand out to me for my ATM card.
If I give him that, then everything I’ve been saving to get him to the treatment center is as good as gone. Shit, I have to do something, or he may turn violent and take my bag or even my car. “Hang on.” I hold a finger up to him. “Just wait here.” I didn’t want to do this, but he’s left me with no other choice. I run into my room, grab my purse and take the twenty dollars out. “Here. I remembered I had this for milk and bread. But you’ll get the stuff for the hole, right?” I know that money is gone and so will he be for the next few days.
He smiles triumphantly when I hand him the bill. “Yeah, I’ll get stuff to fix the hole.” His eyes are wired, and I can see the cogs turning with his enthusiasm to buy more drugs. “I’ll be back later tonight, yeah?” he says.
No, he won’t be. He’ll walk out of here, and it might be a few days, or even a few weeks before I see him again. “Just, go have a shower first. I’ll wait and I’ll take you to your friends.”
He’s already heading toward the door. “Nah, it’s okay. I’ll grab a shower when I get to my buddy’s place. I gotta go. Love ya, sis.” He slams the door on the way out, and I’m left knowing I’ve bought my drug addict brother twenty dollars’ worth of drugs.
He would’ve waited until I was gone and he would’ve kicked the door down to my bedroom. It was the only thing I could’ve done. I had no choice. He most likely would’ve found my tin, and our parents’ jewelry would’ve been sold.
Feeling sick to my stomach, I look at the time, and know if I don’t leave now to go to work, I’m going to be late for my shift. My stomach is twisting with fear that my brother is going to overdose, and it’ll be the money I gave him that’ll kill him. Leaning my forehead against the door, I close my eyes and pray that I haven’t just murdered my brother. “Please, stay safe,” I whisper.
When the knot in my stomach settles, I make sure my bedroom door is firmly locked before leaving the house and heading toward my next job.
“Welcome to The Narrow Table,” I greet the family that enters the restaurant with a smile. But inside, I’m dying because I’m still so worried about Jordan. I realize, logically, that twenty dollars won’t buy enough drugs for him to overdose. But I still hope he’s okay. I’m hoping I haven’t sent him to his death. I hate myself for giving him that money, but I really couldn’t see any other way.
“We’d like a table please,” the father says as he places his arm lovingly around his wife. Their two young boys hover close to their mother. I smile at them, trying to push this feeling of dread as far down as I possibly can.
“Sure, please follow me.” I grab two menus for the adults. The kids are really young, maybe five or six, so I grab two coloring booklets and a bucket of colored pencils for them. I show them to their seats, and give the boys the coloring books. Both smile when I place the books and pencils in front of them.
“Thank you!” they chime in unison.
“You have beautiful manners, and you’re so very welcome,” I reply with a huge smile. “Your waiter will be with you in a moment.”
“Thank you.” Both parents look down at the menus while the boys happily color.
I walk back to the front of the restaurant, and I’m drowning with images of my afternoon. What if Jordan’s trying to get clean, and I’ve sent him out with money to buy drugs? I’m doubting every single word of our interaction, but deep down inside, I know if I didn’t give him the money, he would’ve found a way to break into my room.
“Hey, you okay?” Dani asks when she returns to the front with menus from a table.
“Yeah, just stuck in my thoughts. Anyway, I didn’t know you were working tonight.”
“Yeah, it’s been crazy busy at Elle’s Café, and here, but I’m saving up so I’ll take any shift I possibly can.”
“I have no idea how you can work two jobs and still have a social life,” I joke with her.
“Says the chick who has how many jobs?” I hold up three fingers. “Three? And when do you get to have a social life?”
I snort and roll my eyes. “No time for that. Anyway, what are you saving for?”
Dani half shrugs. “Whatever, nothing in particular and everything I want.” She smiles broadly. “Anyway.” She gestures with her eyes that she needs to take another order.
The rest of my night is spent seating people, and worrying. At the end of service, I lock the door and walk over to the register to start tallying everything up. The other waiters return and all put the tips in the tip jar so we can evenly divide it among us. “I’ll wipe down the tables,” Shaun, one of the waiters says.
“I’ll sweep and vacuum,” Dani offers.
“I’ll help in the kitchen,” Simone calls.
“I suppose I’ll mop once everyone is done.” Great, this means I’ll be one of the last people here other than the kitchen staff who have to clean the kitchen. I divide the tips between us, and lay a pile out for everyone to take. Ninety-four dollars is ninety-four dollars closer to the thirty-five thousand I need to send Jordan to the rehab center I found. It’s by far the best one, but it’s expensive and in Kentucky. Getting Jordan there will be a challenge in itself. But I only need seventeen thousand more before I can send him.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and look at the time. By the time I mop the floors, and leave it’ll be close to eleven and I need to be out the door by eight tomorrow morning to get to my main job.
Crap, I have to come back here to Willow Heights tomorrow afternoon to clean the Morrison’s house. The more money I earn, the quicker I can send Jordan into rehab. He needs it, but most importantly I need it for my peace of mind.
But for now, I need to mop these floors and get myself home so I can sleep. God, I’m so tired. But I have to push through. One day though, I won’t need to work three jobs trying to save my brother’s life. Because he’ll be clean and sober, and together we’ll be able to rebuild our lives.
I hope.
