Deviant Vows by Anna Widzisz
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Macsen
I don’t wait for the car to fully halt in the driveway as I open the door and dash inside the house with my shoes thudding loudly on the marble floor. My heart is racing so fast that I can hear it drumming in my ears with fear and rage coursing through my veins.
After Diego informed me what happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about Davina for a second.
I reach her room finding the door open with Diego standing outside, guarding her. His worrisome eyes meet mine, heightening my fear even more.
My steps turn slow and uncertain, my breathing heavy. I almost want to retreat, knowing the horrifying sight I am about to witness will scar me with unforgettable guilt and defeat. Day and night I will only think about how I failed to protect my wife... How I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.
But I have to face reality one way or another.
“The cleaning crew left a few minutes ago,” he mutters, even though none of it matters to me. I only care about one person who is inside the bedroom. “She hasn’t left her room,” he continues.
“Do we know who the attacker was?” I ask him.
“Not yet. William said he will take care of it.”
I frown, looking around. “Where is he?”
Diego shrugs. “He came here, talked to Davina and walked out, telling me to give her space.”
Letting out a shaky breath, I walk ahead and see Hellion coming towards me. Motioning him to leave, I close the door behind me, letting us be invisible for a few moments from the dark world that surrounds us every living day.
When I look up, I find Davina sitting on the floor hugging herself. Her eyes strained on the floor as if she is remembering the moment she was attacked; like a flashback.
I stalk towards her, sit down beside her, and yet it feels like my presence is unnoticeable to her when usually she is alert of her surroundings twenty-four seven. But not tonight.
Tonight she isn't the Davina I have come to know. Beside me is an absolute stranger behind whom my wife is hiding in the darkness. Her hair is unruly, her clothes torn. There are a few marks and handprints, making me wish I could have killed that fucker. I would have made him wish for death but I have lost my chance.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I face her with my hand cupping her shoulder. “Davina?” I whisper.
Silence.
“Davina, look at me.” She remains motionless as if she were deaf. Positioning my body in front of her, I cup her face to urge her to meet my eyes. But when she does, I feel my heart skip a beat with an unsettling ache stabbing me continuously. All I can see is emptiness. Nothing at all.
Caressing her cheeks with my thumb, I bring her face closer and press my forehead against hers. “Davina, I-I....” My words stutter at first, not knowing what to say to her that would take away her pain and horror in a blink of an eye.
We face so many challenges every single day because of what we do for a living, and one would think even something like this would wash over her like yesterday’s lunch, but it’s different when you know what might happen, and when you’re completely surprised. We look death in the eye and laugh in its face. Yet here Davina didn’t even hear death knocking on her door. Fuck, it sneaked through a motherfucking window, set on breaking her.
“I’m so sorry. Words will never be enough to express how sorry I feel for failing you.” I mean each and every word, hoping she will forgive me. “I should have been here to protect you. I vowed it to you and yet I couldn’t keep it. But I need you to know that no matter what that fucker did, nothing has changed between us. You are still the strong and beautiful woman I’m married to.”
She frowns, revealing her first reaction since I entered the room. “How can you be so sure about it? What if he took what was yours? Would you still see me the same way?” she asks, confirming that the fucker didn’t do the unimaginable. Something that has been running through my mind time and time again. “You won’t see me as a weak and frightened woman who was almost raped?”
Her last words leave a metallic taste at the back of my throat. My heartbeat picks up. My mind is filled with dreadful images of that fucker daring to touch Davina. She lets out a shaky breath as her eyes start to glisten, but she blinks back those tears, refusing to let her weakness shed them.
She shakes her head gently. “Stop pretending you care because every man is the same. They just act like they do for their wife in front of others to maintain their reputation, but in reality, they don’t carry an ounce of humanity.”
I slightly tighten my hold on her cheeks, staring at her with a serious look.
“Listen well, Davina, because you are aware I hate to repeat myself. I won’t deny there are men who pretend for the sake of their reputation in the Firm, but I’m not like them. To me, you aren’t just my wife because all I see is a queen who doesn’t need a knight in shining armour to defend herself. Your strength and trust in yourself will always be something nobody can ever shatter. And I know what happened tonight might haunt you from time to time, but it will never stop you from being the Davina I know. I have failed you, and I will make up for it each and every day, but I swear on my life that if I have to lay down my own life to protect you, then I will do it without a second thought.”
“Why?” she whispers.
“Because I care,” I speak truthfully. “Whatever happened tonight, share it with me. Let me be part of your pain. For better, for worse, remember?” She closes her eyes leaning her forehead against mine, her body starting to relax under my touch. “Share your pain with me, Davina, because nothing will change between us. Tell me. I will do anything to help you get through this.”
Davina’s gaze never leaves mine as I see a flicker of trust reflected in her eyes. The warmth from seeing her take a leap of faith on me swells on my chest. But before she can allow me to hold her hand for guidance, she backs away taking that ray of trust along with her back into her walls of disbelief that she built around herself.
I can sense the distance she has already created with doubt and fear controlling her. “You will do anything?”
I nod timidly. “You name it, and I will make it happen.”
“Then leave,” she mutters coldly. “Leave me alone because I don’t need you or anyone to protect me.”
“But I want to be there for you–”
For the very first time, I mean what I say. For the first time, I don’t see our marriage as a means to an end. As my duty. But something that I was always meant to do.
“I didn’t ask for it. And I never will,” she interrupts. She gets up and smooths her clothes and hair. I look up, still on the floor, as confusion consumes me.
“You can stay in the guest room across the hallway. I don’t feel like going back to the penthouse tonight. Or you can go home and I’ll come there tomorrow,” she says, and without giving me another look, she stalks towards the bathroom, closing the door as she shuts me off.
A pang of hurt and guilt journeys to my heart, leaving an unsettling burden on my shoulders. I get up and head to knock on the bathroom door, but I refrain myself as her words echo in my mind, reminding me that I should give her some space and time.
I’m not mad. Surprisingly, I understand her now a little better.
Licking my dry lips, I leave her and go to the guest room before ordering Davina's guards to patrol the area for the rest of the night and not come back to the house unless it’s necessary.
As I lay on the bed, sleep is nowhere in sight. My mind is in havoc because of the harrowing moment Davina went through tonight. How that fucker came in and was going to rape her, robbing her of her freedom and choices. How Diego luckily came and saved her which I should have done. A part of me will always be thankful that Diego got there in time, but deep down the guilt will always crawl back to my mind, reminding me how I wasn’t there for her and nothing would ever change that.
Davina didn’t shed a tear, protecting herself as always by caging her true feelings. But I didn’t complain about it because I know she is the strongest woman I’ve ever met and that she will come out of this like the true queen she is. She isn’t ready to share her pain with me but I will be patient with her. And when that happens, I will be there for her.
✽✽✽
The next few days pass by with Davina being cold and distant. I keep waiting for her to open up to me but I’m welcomed with her emotionless demeanour. Perhaps she’s the kind of person who prefers to ignore her feelings until they are no longer important. Maybe she’s even more like me than I thought.
We are both going through the new shipment details at my office when a knock on the door catches our attention.
“Sorry to interrupt, sir, but Mrs Kinsley is here and wants to meet you both,” one of the maids informs us.
My brows furrow in confusion as I look at Davina to find an answer, but she seems clueless about her mother’s arrival as well. Her family tends to announce their presence. Not this time and that means that it’s something that can’t wait. Judging by my wife’s expression, she feels the same.
“Tell her to wait in the lounge. We will be there in a few minutes,” I order her as she nods in response and turns to leave us.
“You go and meet her. I will finish with the details,” Davina murmurs, looking down at the papers. She doesn’t seem to have a good relationship with her mother if she’d prefer to do all the paperwork instead of talking to the woman for a few minutes.
“I’m not going to deal with your mother all by myself. You and I both know we don’t have a loving son and mother-in-law bond. You are coming with me on this little torture moment–”
“Madam, please, do not go there,” the distant voice of the maid echoes in the hallway, getting closer and closer followed by a pair of footsteps.
“I’m her mother. I surely do not need a servant to tell me what to do,” Mrs Kinsley retorts in a sharp tone. Before I know it, she is standing in the doorway, wearing a full-sleeved, green dress with that fake doll-like smile plastered on her face.
I am not lying when I use the word torture because it is indeed a pain in the arse to tolerate the mere presence of my mother-in-law. If any man in the Firm wanted a woman who would dance to her husband’s tune without any questions and pretend to be the perfect trophy wife, then it's Mrs Kinsley that comes to mind.
Fuck, I’m still wondering how in the world she brought up Davina when she’d die before submitting to a man. She definitely did a better job with her older sister. Diana is another definition of complete submission. Their sex lives must be one hell of boring shit.
“Davina, my sweetheart,” she greets in a shrill, excited voice as she saunters towards her daughter to embrace her. Nyx hugs her with a tense posture as if she holds little to no interest to be anywhere near her mother. Although she has been even more detached recently when it comes to any kind of touching. Rightfully so.
“Oh, Macsen,” she finally takes notice of me. “It is lovely to see you.” She moves to hug me but I take a few steps back offering her a cold look that makes her smile falter a bit.
“Nice to meet you, too,” I mutter with a timid nod.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you two–”
“Mother, just say what you want to. No need to pretend you didn’t just disobey the order we sent through our maid and barged into our office like you fucking own the place. Say your piece and go. We have jobs to do and an empire to run.” I place my hand on Davina’s lower back, suppressing an amusing grin.
A flicker of nervousness shadows over her face but she covers it up by looking away.
“I just wanted to check up on you. Your father told me what happened,” she says.
And yet they didn’t bother to call or come right when they found out. So that excuse is complete bullshit.
“Mother,” Nyx grits through her teeth.
“And I also wanted to invite you both to a small family and friends gathering at our summer house next week.”
Suddenly, I feel Davina tensing beside me. Her lips part in a quivering motion like she is all of a sudden struggling to even breathe. I have no idea why. Social gatherings are a natural thing, and especially in her family. I’ve heard multiple times how much they appreciated spending time together and in that house of theirs in Northamptonshire.
“It is in honour of Taylor. So I want you both to join us,” her mother continues. Taylor Fiennes was one of the directors in the Firm and worked alongside my father way back when. Until, of course, Davina decided to start the war, going on a killing spree. One of her victims was in fact Taylor who at that time was also her sister's husband.
But it is clear as daylight that something else is the reason for Davina’s tension. She’s not one to regret her actions, no matter the reason she had to kill those men. Come to think of it, she always gets angry and detached when I mention her former brother-in-law.
A hint of suspicion emerges within me as my mind keeps pondering the connection between them in the form of a secret affair. I wrap my hand around her waist, giving a gentle squeeze of support while her mother continues to blabber.
Is she someone who can kill her lover, though? She can’t be accused of love ruling her life, so perhaps I’m way far off.
“Your sister will be there, too, Davina. She really misses you. You will come, won’t you, dear?”
I see my wife shaking and about to explode with uncensored words.
“Laura, I think you should–”
“No, mother. Neither am I going to step a single foot in that house nor will I be a part of his fucking memorial gathering. Or whatever you call it,” Davina retorts bitterly.
“Davina!” Her mother gasps. “He was an honourable member of the Quarter and your brother-in-law. Have some respect for him. That’s the least you can do after what you’ve done.”
Davina snickers with a twisted grin crossing her lips as she leans forward towards Laura. “Yes, because having his killer there is doing him justice. Isn’t it, mother?” She pauses. “I think you and I both know how honourable he was. So let’s stop pretending he was some sort of a hero in the Firm. He was a motherfucking scumbag. I don’t give a single fuck that he was father’s boss or that he was Diana’s husband. They are better off without him.”
“It’s been years, Davina. Stop clinging to your lies,” she nervously laughs.
“The truth matters, and the last time I checked, father told you to shut up about it just like he told me to do the same. And like his little puppet, your lips were sealed even when the crime was happening right in front of your eyes.”
“You were adolescent and spoiled back then.” She peers at me every few seconds with a nervous glance. As if checking if I know what they are talking about. I have no damn idea, though. “Nevertheless, I just came to invite you. Not dig out past grudges. The past is the past.”
“That past grudge was never even brought to light. It was buried and my own family wasn’t there for me when I needed them the most.”
Now it is evident that something has happened. A secret hidden by the Kinsley family. They were always said to have countless secrets and skeletons in their closet that they fight tooth and nail to keep hidden.
“I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, there is a purpose for this invitation but sad news for you because you need to return home to tell father I won’t be coming. Leave and never mention his name in this house. I’m not going to be part of this circus anymore. I’ve moved on and don’t need to go back to the past anymore. And I most certainly don’t need you or Father. Those times are long gone.”
“Sweetheart–”
“Leave, Laura,” I order the woman in an impassive tone. And seeing the death glare on my face it is enough for her to receive the message that she should fucking go right now. Gulping, she whispers a bye under her breath before dashing out of the room.
“What is going on?” I ask Davina right away. But instead of answering me, she passes by me and leaves. I guess paperwork isn’t that important now.
The loud bang of the door lets me know that she must have locked herself in our bedroom. Running a hand through my hair, I head there and knock loudly.
“Davina, open the door.”
Silence greets me, making my rage consume me with every passing minute. She has been hiding herself since the night of the incident. I have been waiting and giving her space. But tonight was the last thread of my patience because I sure as hell am not going to see my wife cage herself in darkness. I am done waiting.
“Davina, open this door right now before I break it,” I grunt, continuing knocking hard.
A few seconds later, she opens the door with anger on her face before she points a gun at me. “Stop with your fucking knocking before I shoot your head off. Take a hint and leave. Me. Alone.”
I take a few steps forward, letting the head of the gun press against my forehead. Our eyes are locked. “Do it. If that will get you to have the fucking courage to do something more than hiding yourself away like a five-year-old girl and talk to me, then do it.”
She sneers, rolling her eyes. “Not you, too. We both know you don’t give a damn about what I am going through or not. So stop acting like you want to be a husband who is devoted to his wife and truly cares about her. You need to have a heart for it, and in your case, that doesn’t exist. It was crystal clear since day one that this is nothing but an arrangement we will follow till our last breath. Don’t make this into a real marriage because it will never work. You and I will have nothing but hatred, violence and darkness running in our tainted blood.”
I remain quiet, breathing heavily as I let her words stab me. She has always said bitter words to me, but for some unknown reason tonight it hurts…
It just fucking hurts.
And just the thought of letting her affect me so much makes me infuriated with myself and her. In a blink of an eye, I grab her wrist tightly and take away the gun from her with one hand while putting pressure on her wrist with the other, slightly twisting it so as to pull her against my chest. Anticipating her move to knee me, I block it and whirl her around with her front pressing against the doorway, the gun placed right below her jaw, urging her to look up at me.
“I’ve had enough of your bullshit. Every time I tell my-fucking-self that there is something about you that is worth caring for, you prove to me that you really are nothing but a heartless bitch.”
She wriggles against my hold but I only tighten my grasp.
“Macsen, let me go. Right now,” she orders but there is a touch of uncertainty in her tone.
“Not until you tell me what happened between you and Taylor.”
“Nothing happened. Let me go or else you’ll regret this, you arsehole.”
“I’m not going to move away until I hear the truth from your mouth. What did you do? Did you get too close with your sister’s husband, huh? That’s what happened?” I whisper against her ear. “Tell me.”
“M-Macsen… I’m telling you just let go of me. Neither of us wants to do this,” I hear her stutter for the first time. Part of me wants to let her go and let her guard her emotions as always, but the selfish part of me is stubborn to know the truth, and one way or another I will find out.
“What are you so afraid of, Davina? What is holding you back so much that you are so scared of taking a single step of faith.”
“Macsen, stop. Please.” Her tone almost sounds emotionless.
“Just fucking tell me,” I whisper. “Because I deserve to know as your husband if you had a past relationship with Taylor or not. For fucking hell, you killed the man! You killed the boss. You killed almost all of them to gain power.”
Suddenly, I feel her body slacking as if she were lifeless. Like she just gave up. I let my hold loosen on her a bit to let her fight back, but there is no reaction. Instant worry grips me and I move away, feeling my heart thumping faster and faster. The guilt of unknowingly doing something terrible makes my fear pace up. But as if she were not at all here at this moment, she kneels sideways with her head resting against the doorframe.
She looks lost. Broken.
Jesus Christ. What have I done?
The regret of losing control over myself and lashing out at Davina starts to kill me inside. I quickly drop the gun and kneel beside her and cup her face.
“Davina, please look at me,” I beg – something I have never done before. But for her, I am willing to even lay down my life right this second.
She doesn’t budge, her eyes strained on the floor.
“You don’t have to say anything. There is no need for you to tell me something you aren’t ready to share. That is unfair. I’m so sorry I lost control. I shouldn’t have done it but it is killing me inside bit by bit watching you shield yourself every day.” I press my forehead against her side. “All I’m asking is for you to trust me because I swear on my life that I will never betray you in any way. Not just because of the arrangement.”
When I don’t hear any response from her, I decide to get up and leave her, feeling defeated. As always. But the warm touch of her hands on my arms makes me halt with a glimmer of hope swelling in my chest.
“Deep down we both know it will change things,” she whispers in a raspy voice, her tone cold as ice like even her bitter feelings are shattered. “What I tell you will break the arrangement. Or it will break me. One or the other.”
I wait for her to say more.
She shifts, her eyes meeting mine. They are glassy from the tears that she tries to hold back. Like it’s her second nature to do so. “But I will tell you so that I can give myself a strong reason to hate you because after this you won’t see me the same way.”
“Nothing will change, I promise you.”
I know I shouldn’t make that kind of commitment. Promise her something without knowing what it is all about, yet I still do.
She turns her face, gazing up at me with those dark brown eyes that always hold strength and confidence, but now they are filled with emptiness.
Licking her dry lips before letting out a shaky breath, Davina finally reveals everything, turning my world upside down with what I’ve never expected to hear. Not ever.