In Death I Live by Lindsay Becs

RIVER

Death.

Death would have hurt less than having to watch that.

I want to trust her. I want to believe that everything between us was real and nothing has been a lie. But after watching her with him… like that… It’s a wonder I didn’t drown in my own vomit.

It was like a horrific accident I couldn’t look away from as my eyes stayed locked on hers while he fucked her and she gave right back until she fucking orgasmed from it.

Death would have been a kinder torture.

Tears stung my eyes, threatening to spill down my beaten face. Then rage burned inside of me, igniting into a fierce ball of fire when he treated her like trash.

He didn’t grant me any mercy, and I sure as fuck will not have a sliver of it for him when I get to flip this script and kill that motherfucker.

I’m plotting his torture and death in my head when I hear her whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, River. I’m so fucking sorry you had to—” She cuts off on a choke as a sob gets caught in her throat. My eyes shift from the front door down to where Zora hasn’t moved on the floor.

She pulls a shirt on over her bare body and then crawls to me on her knees, pulling the gag down. Tears are filling her eyes, making her blue orbs shine and glow. I wish I could reach out and cup her face, kiss away her tears.

“Why?” I ask, my voice hoarse and quiet.

“Because I’ll do anything to keep you alive.” Her answer knocks me harder than her slap.

“Angel…”

“You said you’d trust me, and I need you to. I need you to remember not to fight them on things and just…” She pauses and takes in a deep breath. “Let me get you out of here, okay?”

I lick my dry lips and wish things didn’t have to be like this. That we could have met in any way but this. “You don’t have to do this, Zora. The boys will find us.”

She gives me a weak smile. “Maybe. But in the meantime, I’m keeping you safe and alive.”

“But at what price?”

She lifts a shoulder. “There’s no price too high for your life, River. Just promise me that when you get out of here, you find Remi. Can you do that for me? I asked the same of Dom but—” She stops and huffs a laugh. “He’s a five-year-old little boy, and Domonic doesn’t exactly come across as a fun and loving father figure.” Her sad eyes look back up at mine. “But you are.”

I swallow over the lump in my throat, hating this conversation just about as much as I hate what happened earlier. “I promise. We’ll get you out and then—”

“No.” She stops me. “You get him first. Promise me, River. Promise me you’ll find Remi first. Then, if I’m still around, you can come for me. But I need you to find Remi and keep him safe. Promise me, River. Please.”

Fuck.I let out a frustrated sigh. “I promise.”

She stares at me, attempting to see past my bullshit promise, and when she does, she visibly relaxes, and then I feel guilty. Given the chance to save her or some little kid I don’t know, I’m coming for her first every damn time.

She sits up higher on her knees to put us at eye level and cups my face with her hand. “Don’t break me more. Please don’t break that promise, River.” She kisses me then like she’s sealing the promise, and then I know I’m fucked. I’ll do everything she asks and hate myself every step of the way.

I watch as she stands and walks back to sit down on the sofa. “I love you, angel.”

She looks back at me, and this time, the tears streak down her beautiful face. “I love you, too. Remember that, okay? Remember that that’s the truth, not the lie.”

The door opens then, and Kale walks back inside. “Alright, you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?” he asks, his eyes looking directly at me. I realize now that I’m beginning to hate it when he says that stupid phrase too. Who would choose the hard way?

“What exactly am I doing either way?” I ask, pushing my luck a little bit.

“Tell me about the money trail you found.”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I’ll take the hard way,” I say—unfortunately—right before I hear Zora scream my name and I get punched in the face again.

* * *

I cometo with a start as cold water is thrown in my face. Gasping for air, my eyes widen as I cough and sputter. Fuck!

“There he is!” Slater yells triumphantly from across the room where Zora is perched on his lap. But he moves out from under her to stand in front of me where they must have moved me into the kitchen. “Time to sing for me, River.” He smiles that creepy as fuck smile, and then it falls. “Where is the money?”

Clamping my mouth shut, I lift a brow in answer. Then I’m tipped back and a towel is placed over my face, followed by water pouring over it. Awesome.

“Tell me, you pussy-whipped fucktard. Where did you hide the money trail?”

“Up your ass and around the corner is a good place to start,” I say with a smirk and then hold my breath, knowing what’s coming next.

Whew!I’m ten for ten, and it has been more than an hour, but my breathing is getting more and more labored and I’m not sure how much longer I can do this before I can’t fight against it anymore. Waterboarding is the worst form of phycological torture, teasing your body and mind into thinking you’re drowning when, in reality, you aren’t. But fuck, it sucks.

My eyes find Zora and that secret plead in her eyes for me to just tell them and stop fighting like she’s asked me to do.

A yell roars out of me after I stop coughing this time, angry and frustrated. “Fine. Fucking fine!”

Slater looks at me with his head tilted to the side, waiting for me to say more. “Go on.”

“It’s buried in the dark web, held up in bitcoin.” It’s partially true, so I’m hoping it’s enough to get them to stop, to pacify them for the time being.

“How did you find it?”

I snort a laugh. “Because I’m fucking good at my job.”

Slater runs his tongue over his teeth and then heads for the door, pulling his cell from his pocket. “You better hope that’s enough.” He slams the door on his way out. “Asshole,” I mutter.

“Kale?” Zora’s soft voice pulls our attention back to her in the living room, where she hasn’t moved the entire time. “Let him go. You don’t need him, and he told you what you want. Let him go.”

“You know I can’t do that, Zora,” the big man answers her.

“He’s just extra weight. It’s dumb to keep him around. The boys are going to come soon, and then we know we’re all as good as dead.” She’s not wrong about any of that, even if it does sting that she insinuated that I’m worthless now.

Before Kale can say anything more, Slater comes back in. “Congratulations! Swan was happy enough to hear that you started to sing that you bought yourself more time to stay alive.”

“Swan?” I ask.

Slater’s face morphs into a genuinely happy smile from the fake one he was just wearing. “Oh, that’s right. You were already in the cellar. Let me explain,” he starts, sitting down in a chair at the table to face me. “Swan was my enemy. I wanted him dead, to put it simply, because I hate his fucking guts. But then, I found out that some money of his had gone missing. Long story short, we made a deal. I have something he wants and he had something I wanted, so we made a trade.”

“That’s how you got in. Fucking Swan,” I grind out.

“Yep,” he says smugly.

“He’ll turn on you and shoot you in the back once he gets what he wants.”

“He can try. But I think in this particular part of the plan, I was the smart one, because I hold more than one play in my hand.” He grins again. “Now, would you like to tell me more, or are you getting thirsty again?”

“I could go for some water,” I smirk.

I’m met with a fist to the face instead. Knocking my ass out once more.

* * *

“I don’t understand. Why can’t I stay here with you and Momma?” I cry, clinging onto my father’s legs.

His hand on my head tenses slightly from my hundredth plea to let me stay. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to make new friends, live in a big scary house, not ever see him or Momma.

My father, the strongest man I know, bends down to his knees. Hands on my shoulders, tears in his eyes, he looks so sad and defeated, not like the man I’m used to seeing.

“River, you are stronger than I am. You will do the right thing because that’s what you are supposed to do. You have a big heart that is filled with love and compassion and empathy, and you will use that to help guide you when things look bad. You get your heart from your mother, River, and that is what will keep you alive. Do not let anyone take that heart away from you, no matter what horrible things you might see or do as you get older. Promise me?”

“I promise, Papa,” I reply. I don’t even understand what he’s saying. I just don’t want to leave.

I knew it was coming. Momma told me months before my birthday that once I was a whole hand old, I had to leave and stay somewhere else because that was my birthright. She’s been telling me things for weeks to prepare me, but it doesn’t make it any easier now that Papa is telling me it’s time to go.

“River?” Momma calls through her own cries of sadness. I turn to look at her, and her arms open wide. I run into them, feeling her warmth and love and never wanting to leave it. “I love you, my sweet, sweet boy. Remember to love River. Don’t let the darkness around you shadow your heart and make it cold. Let yourself have a love that keeps you warm and your heart beating.”

“I love you, Momma,” I tell her because who else will I ever love?

Cupping my face in her soft hands, she gives me a tear-filled smile. “One day you will love someone more than me.”

I shake my head. “But I love you to the moon. That’s far.”

“But one day, you’ll find an angel amongst the stars in the sky and you’ll love her more.”

* * *

I cometo after getting knocked out a-fucking-gain, hearing a constant beeping, groaning at the incessant sound that is like a nagging tick to my pounding head.

“He’s waking up,” I hear someone say before there’s a shuffle of feet. “River, can you hear me?” It’s Cruz.

I try to open my eyes, but they just keep blinking shut over and over. “Where am I?”

“The compound.”

“How long?” I manage to ask through another moan as pain sears through my body.

“Couple of days.”

“Fuck…” Then my eyes open fully. “Angel!” He doesn’t say anything, and I know that can’t be good. “Tell me.” I turn my head slightly to look at him, my vision blurred and my head fuzzy, still feeling like I’m in a dreamlike state, but I have to know.

Cruz takes my hand in his and lets out a breath. “They dumped you at the edge of the property by the road two days ago. Unconscious and battered. Bad concussion. A stab wound in the leg, bruised ribs, partially dislocated shoulder and a few broken fingers. Doc came right over, and we’ve been monitoring you ever since. There’s been a nursing staff here nonstop. They gave you a sedative to help you sleep and heal better.”

“Cruz,” I say. And he lets out a sigh because he knows I don’t give a shit about myself. I only want to know about Zora.

“She’s still with Shadows.”

“But she’s alive?” I ask, hopeful.

He nods slightly. “As far as we know, yes.”

“You haven’t found her,” I say it as a statement, not a question.

“We thought we had, but it was a trap they set up. A bomb was set off to try to take us out, but it only rattled us a bit.” He runs a hand across the back of his neck. “There’s been nothing since. You all just… disappeared. Until you were dumped and then we still couldn’t get a good lead. It was another dead end.”

“Explosion?”

“Yeah, we followed the same car out to a farmhouse that they brought the day before. It was a decoy. The blast went off when we got there.”

“That’s where we were.”

Cruz sits up. “What?”

“They took us to a different farmhouse or something with a cellar first. Then they transported us to an older farmhouse, but when we got there, it was obvious that there had been a blast of some sort.”

He stands up then. “I need to tell Dom.” He walks quickly to the door but stops. “I’ll send Doc in. You okay?”

“Yeah,” I try to smile. “Never better.”