Treating a Sinful Earl by Henrietta Harding
Chapter 22
The following morning in the woods, Jasper felt as though he could finally breathe. It had been suffocating the night before, wishing to be alone with her, to touch her, to kiss her again. He did not anticipate that it would be so difficult, but it should come as no surprise, for his feelings for her felt bottomless.
As they strolled along, Catherine continued to speak of the various shrubs, and she remarked upon the beautiful morning. Although Jasper might be impatient with such pleasantries, wishing to talk of more weighty things, he found that when he was alone in her company, anything that she spoke of was poetry. Still, he was a man with a mission, and he would breach the subject lightly.
“Do you remember what I said the other day, about wishing to help you in some way?”
She turned to him. “You mean, stealing me away from my predicament. I do not know that it is possible.”
“But it is very possible. I wish that you would see that.”
“See that you can make my reality disappear? No, no. Let us not talk of it, for it makes me anxious each time.”
Jasper was off to a bad start. If he could just bloody say what he meant, then perhaps this would be a lot easier. “Catherine, my feelings for you are of the utmost strength. I do not wish to see you suffer, and I want to be the man that saves you.”
He instantly felt that this was the wrong thing to say. From the look of indignation on her face, he knew this to be true. “To save me? Jasper, I am having a hard time understanding your meaning. I do not need to be saved.”
He closed his eyes in discontent. “Allow me to explain. Catherine, I love you, and I do not wish to see you marry another.”
Finally, his true meaning must have sunk in, for Catherine softened and continued their walk. “You know that my feelings are the same.”
“Then let us consummate those feelings.”
She paused once again. Her voice was shaky as she spoke. “Oh, I fear that this is all because you know of my predicament, and I have helped you in some way. Please understand, I do not want for any of these factors to contribute to such a grand decision.”
Jasper sighed. Yes, none of this was going to plan. Did she not trust him? Because she was healing him, did she really believe that he wished to marry her for this simple fact? It became all too clear that he needed to prove his love in order to win her hand.
“I would go so far as to say that nothing that you have done for me has contributed to this. I felt it from the start.”
He thought that he saw tears in her eyes in response to his words. She spoke in hushed tones. “I have felt it from the start, as well. Oh, Jasper, I do not know what to say. The feelings that I have for you frighten me. You are a wonderful man, and I do not feel good enough for you.”
Jasper was having none of this. Not good enough for him? She was everything that he wanted in life. Breaking his promise, he reached across and took her into his arms, pressing his lips against hers. There was no guilt at first as he felt the warm softness of her lips. He was in utter rapture, feeling that familiar heat course through his entire body. The woman in his arms would be his wife. There were no two ways about it.
Catherine pulled away, and he could not help but say, “I am sorry. I said that I would not do that without your permission. I could not stop myself.”
She smiled warmly. “You had my permission without me having to utter it. Know that these encounters mean the world to me. It is just that we have a little bit of time to make sure this is what we want. That this is true. Let us take advantage of that time so that we do not act in haste. I fear that Felton is acting with too much haste in regard to Abigail. Let us not do the same!”
And here, she made a sound point. Love could not be rushed. There was still time remaining to reveal his full self to her. Just when he was about to tell her the full truth, Jasper felt a fit of coughing take hold. His brow became moist, and the world seemed to spin.
“I must be seated,” he said, trying to keep his voice as measured as possible.
“What has happened?”
“It is odd. This has not happened in some time.”
Jasper seated himself upon a log, which he did with Catherine’s aid. Once he was there, he felt her hand come to his back to calm him. “It shall be all right. We merely have more work to do.”
Jasper shook his head. “I did not want this to happen again. Perhaps, it is a fit of nerves.”
“Why a fit of nerves?”
He finally managed a smile. “Because I am in love with you, can you not see? I have essentially asked you to be my wife, and you replied that we must wait. Surely, that has made me faint.”
Although he was teasing her, there was some truth to what he said. Why else would he feel faint after such a long time of being without any symptoms?
“You are pressuring me?” Catherine asked, some humour in her voice, as well.
“Well, not in a serious way. No, disregard what I have said. I am sure it is just a fluke and nothing more.”
Still, his heart was racing in his chest. “I am deeply concerned, my lord.”
“Please,” he implored her, “never call me that. I am Jasper to you.”
***
Catherine was left in a daze. It frightened her immensely whenever these fits came on. She took such delight in thinking that they had made a world of progress, and now that progress seemed diminished. How was she to tell him that she wished for nothing more in the world than to be his wife? But it seemed too good to be true, and Catherine had spoken the truth when she said that she feared it.
She sat with him for some time, watching as he recovered, and could not help but delight in how handsome he was, even when he was ill. How could such a stunning creature be interested in her? Perhaps he had lost his wits, just as she had!
“I am nearly recovered,” he shared. “Pardon me. You know how much it pains me to have you see this.”
“There is nothing wrong about it. We must be more diligent in healing you, that is all.”
He gazed towards the ground, his expression heavy. “There is something that I have not shared with you. I fear it.”
Catherine was stricken, already knowing what he was going to say. “What is it? Trust that you can tell me.”
“I…I…Catherine, my plight is not what you think. Many doctors have expressed to me that I am not long for this world.”
He had finally said it, and Catherine almost felt relief because of it. It was what she feared and also what she knew. He was a dying man. Still, she would do everything in her power to prevent this and was confident that she could.
“I understand,” she responded plainly. “But I request that you do not fear. Doctors do not always know what they speak of.”
He laughed. “Perhaps. But in this case, it feels rather certain. Trust that I am so grateful for what you do for me, and all this time, I have not wanted to share my feelings for fear that they might frighten you.”
“It does frighten me,” she assured him. “But this fear springs from love. I am sure of it.”
She saw the joy in his expression upon saying this, and in turn, she herself was flooded with more joy. “Are you upset with me for not telling you sooner?”
She shook her head. “I understand why you did not tell me sooner. These matters are difficult to express. I am grateful that you have told me now, for I feel more emboldened than ever.”
They gazed into one another’s eyes, Catherine not wanting to look away. Yes, there was deep affection and love there, and she wanted nothing more than to be with this man for the rest of her days. Why was she tarrying? Now, more than ever, the stakes seemed impossibly high, and Catherine did not know what to do.
“May I take your hand?” Jasper asked.
“You have already taken my lips, so I cannot see how that is a problem.”
They both smiled at one another, and she watched as he reached over and took her hand in hers. He grasped it tightly, and she was grateful for this contact after the news that he had shared.
“All shall be well,” she said faintly. “I am sure of it. I know that this must weigh heavily on you but trust that all shall be well.”
“Felton reminded me of something very important this evening. We are all doomed to the same fate. Why should I feel sorry for myself when that is the case? And why should I deny my love for you when I fear that there is not enough time, and this is not fair to you?”
Catherine had so much to say but held her tongue for fear of ruining the moment. His words were pure eloquence, and she let them cling to the air whilst she felt a flooding of warmth in her heart. Yes, he was bolder and more courageous than she was! Jasper was revealing himself in ways that she never thought he would. Should she tell him the truth? That she was desperate to be his wife and she longed for no one else?
And herein lay the problem; Catherine felt desperate. How could she know that their love was true when there was desperation?
“I must depart,” Jasper said, standing to full height and bringing Catherine up with him.
“So soon?”
“Yes. I feel the need to rest, even though I wish to walk with you for the rest of the day. In fact, for the rest of my life.”
She shook her head. “Then do so. I shall carry you if I have to!”
Jasper gave a hearty laugh. “Considering our difference in size, I do not know that this can be possible.”
Now, he held both of her hands, looking deeply into her eyes as he did so. “We shall heal you.”
“You have already healed me, no matter what the outcome will be.” He kissed the backs of her hands, closing his eyes as he did so. There were butterflies in her stomach, and Catherine wished that the moment would never end.
Finally, Jasper said, “Can I walk you back?”
“I shall remain. There is much for me to do,” she assured him.
He cocked his head to the side. “Do not be headstrong on my account. Come with me.”
“No. I must stay.”
With that, she watched as he walked away, turning back towards her every so often. It was the right decision, for Catherine needed to remain in the woods in order to peruse her own thoughts. He wished to marry her, she wished to marry him, and the entirety of the truth had been revealed. So, why did Catherine feel an emptiness inside? Perhaps, just perhaps it was because she already knew the truth but hearing it uttered was far more difficult. Jasper was going to die far sooner than he should.
No, no, she thought to herself. Catherine was going to remedy it.