Alpha Gray by C.J. Primer

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Gray

The full moon’s in a week. It’s like I can feel it inching closer, looming over me like it imposes some sort of expiration date on my happiness. I’ve never dreaded a full moon before. I still don’t know what this thing is between Fallon and me, but I know want to stretch it out, hold onto it as long as I can. If only there was a way to prolong the moon’s cycle.

I barely sleep worth a damn on Saturday night, and when I stroll into the kitchen at the packhouse on Sunday morning Deke’s already there rummaging through the refrigerator for something to make for breakfast. His head pops up from behind the door of the fridge when he hears me come in and he flashes me a bright smile, always so damn chipper in the morning.

“Good morning, Alpha.” Deke straightens, glancing through the doorway behind me. “No guests for breakfast today?” he asks teasingly.

I roll my eyes, reaching up to rub the tense spot on the base of my neck. “Nah, not today,” I say as I stretch out my limbs. I lean back against the counter, watching Deke as he retrieves a carton of eggs from the fridge.

“Can I ask you something, Deke?”

He sets the carton on the counter, turning his attention to me. “Of course. What’s up?”

“Uh…” I trail off, stabbing my fingers through my hair. I’m not exactly a ‘share your feelings’ type of guy, so I don’t even know where to begin. “Did you date anyone, before Holly?”

Deke tilts his head, like he’s slightly puzzled by my question. “Yeah… nothing serious, though. Just a few girls here and there.”

I just nod. I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at, not really. I’m just trying to see if there’s some sort of way to rationalize my feelings for Fallon, some way for it all to make sense.

Deke folds his arms over his chest. “Is this about Fallon?”

The guy’s perceptive.

I swallow hard, nodding. “Yeah. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now and I just… I don’t know, man. With the full moon coming up I’m just trying to figure out what the fuck we’re doing, I guess.”

Deke opens up the cupboard next to him, pulling out two coffee mugs. “I think this is a conversation that requires coffee,” he grumbles, setting the mugs on the counter and reaching for the coffee pot to fill them.

“Yeah,” I sigh. I walk over to the kitchen table, slumping down in one of the chairs. After a few moments, Deke brings the mugs of coffee over, setting one down in front of me and settling into his own chair with the other mug.

I drag my coffee cup toward me, staring down into the dark liquid. “She was acting really weird last night, man. I don’t know if it’s something I did or the full moon coming, but…” I trail off, glancing up at Deke. He’s peering back at me sympathetically, and though I wouldn’t usually spill my guts like this, if I’m going to with anyone it’s Deke. He’s like a father figure or an older brother; he always seems to know what to do.

I stare back down at my coffee. “I mean, chances are she’s not my mate, but fuck… I care about her. A lot.”

The realization hits me like a ton of bricks after I speak the words. It’s like I couldn’t admit to myself until right now how I really feel- that despite my best efforts, I’ve fallen hard for this girl. If it all ends with the moon, I’m not sure what I’m gonna do.

I scrub a hand over my face, shaking my head.

Deke blows out a breath. His expression softens, the little crinkles by his eyes deepening. “Never say never. You’ve clearly got strong feelings for her, maybe fate could have a hand in that.”

I shake my head again. “I don’t believe in fate,” I growl. “It’s never dealt me a fair hand.”

Deke sighs, lifting his mug to take a sip of his coffee. A long pause settles between us before he swallows, setting it down on the table and running a hand through his greying hair.

“Guess you have to decide what you believe in, then.”

I don’t say anything, just reach for my own mug and take a sip. I avoid eye contact, but I can feel Deke staring at me from across the table, no doubt trying to figure out what’s rattling around in my head.

Deke clears his throat to speak again. “Look, Alpha, if you want my opinion, I think this girl’s good for you. You’ve been happier since you’ve started seeing her. More yourself, or more like how you used to be before everything went to shit five years ago.”

My eyes fly up to meet Deke’s. The mention of the attack on the pack gives way to a whole new range of thoughts and emotions.

“It’s not about me, though, is it?” I scowl. “Not really. I’ve gotta do what’s best for the pack.”

Now it’s Deke’s turn to shake his head, rolling his eyes like I’m being a petulant child. “Don’t use the pack as an excuse. You’ve been putting the pack first since you stepped up as alpha and they all know it. You’ve gotta know that they’ll support you, whatever you do.”

“You really think they’d accept a luna that’s not pack?” I scoff.

Deke’s eyes widen like I’ve just revealed my deepest, darkest secret. Maybe I have. I just admitted that I want to be with Fallon for real, that I’m considering her as my mate. I couldn’t even admit that to myself five minutes ago, yet here I am, fessing up, coming to terms with my own buried feelings.

“If that’s what you choose, then yes. I think they’d respect your decision.” Deke takes another sip of his coffee, his eyes not leaving mine.

I blow out a breath, reaching for my mug again, holding it in my hands and staring down at it.

“Let’s put it this way,” Deke says, scooching back his chair and crossing an ankle over his knee. “If the pack wasn’t a factor… if you were just a regular old shifter like the rest of us, no alpha responsibilities, what would you want?’

“I’d want Fallon.” The words leave my mouth quickly because there’s no question in my mind, not anymore. I don’t want something casual, I don’t want a fling. I want to keep her.

Deke raises his brows and ticks his head toward me. “There’s your answer, then.”

Another pause settles between us as I have a damn staring contest with my coffee mug.

“You know you can still choose each other as mates, even if you aren’t fated,” Deke offers, breaking the silence.

I dart him a glance, chewing on my bottom lip. If only things were that easy. I have no fucking idea where we stand, and if last night’s any indication, she’s already trying to pull away.

“What if she doesn’t want to?” I mumble. I swallow hard, my throat tight and scratchy.

Deke shrugs, bringing his coffee mug back to his lips. “You’ll never know unless you ask,” he murmurs before taking another sip.

I let out an exasperated sigh. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved. My head’s fucking spinning over a girl that could walk away at any moment. Hell, she basically did last night- I haven’t forgotten how cold her response was when I asked her to come back to the packhouse with me. Something’s definitely up with her.

I allow the silence to settle between us again as I contemplate Deke’s words.

“What’s it like, with Holly?” I finally ask, leaning sideways in my chair and propping an elbow on the table. “The mate bond.”

“Mmm…” Deke leans back, considering. “Hard to describe. I never knew I could love someone so much. I’ll always stand by her, protect her, no matter what. We complete each other, make one another stronger.”

I nod, staring back down into my coffee. Some of what Deke says strikes a chord… I mean, I’ve got real feelings for Fallon. I’m definitely protective of her. I don’t know if we complete each other- I mean, that’s cheesy as hell, right? But I could see how having her in my life makes me stronger, makes me want to be better. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. For weeks now it’s like I’ve been trying to prove that I’m worthy of her, even if I’m not her mate. That has to count for something- perhaps a basis to build our own mate bond, fate be damned.

“I’ll ask her to stay for the run,” I say, looking back up at Deke.

“And?” he arches a brow.

“And what?”

Deke smirks. “You gonna tell her how you feel?”

I throw back my head, blowing out a breath. “Fuck, man!”

When I tip my head back up to look at Deke, I can’t help but crack a smile.

“Yeah… maybe. We’ll see.”

Deke gives a little nod, grinning as he rises to his feet. “Good.” He picks up his coffee mug, striding over to the pot for a refill. “Don’t overthink it, and do it soon, before the full moon next weekend. I hope she joins us for the run.”

“You hope who does?” Holly asks, appearing in the kitchen doorway with Mason. She looks over at me, an excited smile stretching across her face. “Fallon?!”

“Is Fallon here?” Mason asks, looking around wide-eyed.

“No, buddy,” I laugh, pushing out my chair and patting my leg. Mason drops Holly’s hand, tearing across the kitchen to me. I scoop him up, plunking him onto my leg and ruffling his curly hair.

“Gray’s gonna ask her to stay for the run,” Deke says, striding over to Holly and pulling her in to plant a quick kiss on her lips.

I’ve always been a little jealous of what Deke and Holly have, and now that I’m so close to having something like that for myself I’m even more envious. What I wouldn’t give to have Fallon sleep beside me every night, join me in this kitchen every day for breakfast.

Holly’s eyes light up. “Really?” she asks, turning to me. Her excitement is palpable.

I roll my eyes, grinning as I bounce Mason on my knee. “Well I’m gonna ask. We’ll see if she does.”

Deke returns to the coffee pot as Holly rushes over to slide into a seat beside me at the table, her interest piqued. “Do you think she’s your mate?”

I chuckle, adjusting Mason on my knee. “I don’t know, Holl. I’m kinda twisted up over the whole thing, but let’s keep it between us for now, huh? At least until I know where I stand with her.”

Holly raises her eyebrows, nodding. “Oh yeah, of course!” She drags her fingers across her lips like she’s closing a zipper. “I won’t say a word. I’m just excited for you, is all!”

I shake my head, chuckling again.

“Why are you eggsyteds?” Mason asks in his cute little toddler speak, furrowing his brow as he peers up at me.

I ruffle his hair again. “Nothing for you to worry about, little man. Grown up stuff.”

Deke clears his throat from across the kitchen. “Alright, what are we thinking for breakfast today? How about omelets?”

“Sounds great, babe,” Holly replies, beaming over at her mate.

“Gray?”

I shake my head, lifting Mason off of my lap and rising to stand. “None for me today. I’ve gotta get to my office, lots to catch up on.”

Honestly, my stomach is growling, but I need to be alone with my thoughts for a while. If I stay for breakfast I’m sure the conversation will circle back to Fallon- and I’ve gotta sort those things out for myself before I get Holly’s and Deke’s hopes up.

It may have come late, but I guess I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ve got real feelings for Fallon- and that I’m not ready to give up on her. If anything, I’m ready to fight to keep her, try to prove that I’m worthy of being her mate even if fate has other plans.

“I’ll be over in a while,” Deke says as I head out the door, and I toss him a little wave of acknowledgement over my shoulder.

I do have pack business to sort out in my office, but I doubt I’ll be able to focus much today. I’ve gotta get my head on straight, figure out what the fuck I’m going to say to Fallon. And if I figure that part out, and it goes well, I’ll have to determine what to say to my pack to get them to accept her.