Where You Can Find Me by Fiona Cole
23
When I woke up,I couldn’t believe I had slept the whole night through. Jack’s arms fought away the nightmares and kept me safe from my memories. Rolling to my stomach, I stretched my arms wide, stopping when I encountered the cold sheets. My eyes popped open to see the empty side of the bed where Jack should have been. My stomach sank, hating that he left without waking me up. Sitting up, I noticed the note on the opposite nightstand.
Luella,
I kissed you goodbye but let you sleep. You were so tired, and I knew you needed the rest and didn’t want to wake you before the sun came up. I had to get started early this morning and will be busy for a couple of days. I hate to leave you right now, but I have to work, and my hours will be hectic. I’ll call when I can.
Please call Evie and have her come stay with you. I know you, baby, and I know you won’t be able to sleep alone. If you won’t have someone come stay with you, then please stay with your brother. I’ll see you soon. Dream of me.
I love you,
J
I couldn’t decipher between the emotions pulling at me. I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to see him, angry that he didn’t wake me up, worried about the work he would be doing, and happy that he let me sleep. I did need it.
I grabbed my phone and flopped back on my bed, pulling up my messages. I talked to Evie earlier last week, and she told me that she had a meeting in Columbus that week and left Friday to go shopping over the weekend. She asked me to go with her, but I had my date already planned with Jack. I checked the time and saw that it was late enough to give her a call and check-in. On the second ring, she picked up.
“What up, bitch?”
“It always warms my heart when you greet me so nicely.”
“What can I say? I know the way to your ice cold heart.” We both laughed for a minute before regrouping.
“So, what are you up to? Have you bought enough yet?”
“Never,” she mock gasped. “I am currently sitting at a cafe down the street eyeing this delicious sex on a stick piece of man meat. He’s been eye-fucking me since I sat down, and I’m trying to remain coy. Frankly, I just want to go up to him and straddle his thick thighs. I wonder if his thighs are any indication of his di—”
“Evie! Stop,” I interrupted.
“What? I was just curious. I’ll let you know later.”
“Why, thank you.”
“No problem, babe. So how have you been? How is that delicious man of yours?”
After a deep breath, I broke down and told her the whole gory story.
“Shit, Lu.” There was a pause. Sometimes Evie kept her words to a minimum, and other times, she was eloquently long-winded. I just needed to give her time to think before I realized which it would be. “I’m leaving now. I’m canceling my meetings and coming to stay with you. I don’t want you alone.”
“No. No, Evie. I can’t let you cancel your meetings. This is a big project for you. And I’m fine. I won’t be alone. I’ll go stay with Jameson if I need to.”
“There is no if about it. You will stay with your brother. And don’t think I won’t call him.”
“All right, all right, Mom.” Usually, I was the one that worried, but when Evie acted motherly and protective, she went all out, and I liked to give her shit about it.
“Ha. Ha. But seriously, call me: day or night. You know I’m here for you, and that shit is scary. I don’t want you alone. I love you, chica.”
“I love you, too, mama.”
After that, our conversation wrapped up, and I called Jameson because I knew Evie would in ten minutes to make sure I called. We decided on him staying with me since my place was bigger than his.
Not hearing from Jack that day, I sent him a message before bed and woke up to nothing.
When I never heard from him again on Monday, I tried not to worry. He told me he would be busy, and I tried to be understanding. But he also said he would get a hold of me if he could.
Tuesday turned out to be the same. By Tuesday night, my worry had taken full affect. To make matters worse, Jameson wasn’t able to stay with me that night. My nightmares seemed harsh and realistic. When we pulled up to the body, Jack got out and was captured by the killer in a black mask and murdered in front of me.
I woke in a puddle of my own sweat and tears streaming down my face. My breaths struggled to move past my constricted airway closed in fear.
Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him, I called his office. A nice man named Andrew informed me that Jack had been in recently but wasn’t in at the moment. I decided not to leave a message because, at that moment, my fear turned into a burning anger.
Jamming my finger on the end button, I tossed my phone onto the table. Breaths came hard and heavy through my clenched jaw. Crossing my arms over my chest, my face heated with my building rage. He couldn’t have taken two damn minutes to freaking send me a response. He knew how much I worried. He fucking knew. Just a quick I love you was all I would have needed. Hell, an I’m alive would have been much appreciated. Grabbing my coat roughly from the closet, I shoved my arms in the sleeves and slammed the door on the way out. I went to work and seethed all damn day, imagining a thousand speeches I would give him when I saw him again. I imagined all his excuses and how I would call bullshit on all of them.
Jameson stayed with me that night but gave me plenty of room when I slammed my bottle of wine around and huffed and puffed around the kitchen. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep in anger.
Thursday, I still woke to no response and wasn’t a big enough person to not say something. I sent a quick message to express my feelings: Fuck YOU!!!
It made me feel better in a hollow way, but I would take anything at that point. Jameson didn’t work that day, so he took me to and from work. By the end of the night, we sat on the couch watching the Food Network when the doorbell rang. I opened it to see a tired-looking Jack standing on my doorstep.
I just stood there staring at him in shock as I held the door, not letting him in. A flood of emotion poured over me. My skin tingled from the rush of adrenaline at seeing him. It quickly changed to a hot flush consuming my body, making all my muscles tense from the rage boiling inside. My brain raced, trying to process it all. Relief, anger, happiness. So much anger.
“You asshole!” I screeched it as a burning behind my eyes turned to tears, and my body moved into action. I let go of the door and swung my arms at him. “You goddamn asshole!”
My body shook as my fists began pummeling his chest; my open palm slapped his face. Once. Twice. I shoved him as hard as I could. “You fucking asshole!” My voice shook from the sobs slipping from my chest. Jack let me take it out on him. I wasn’t sure he understood my feelings, but he did understand that I needed to let the emotions out. “How could you? How could you not give me one fucking response to let me know you were okay?”
My body trembled and began to tire as the emotion ebbed, but I didn’t give up. My arms still had enough energy flowing through them to deliver more punches and shoves. But not enough to stop him from working his way inside and closing the door. “Do I mean so little? You knew I would worry. Why? Why couldn’t you have sent me one message?” I wasn’t sure he understood any of what I was saying because it all came out in broken sobs. By the time my anger diminished, I was mostly left light-headed on trembling legs of relief.
Jack wrapped his arms around me as I cried out the last of it all and rubbed his hands up and down my back. “Shh, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot.” He kept whispering words to calm me down and tell me how sorry he was. How much of an asshole he was. How much he loved me. I heard Jameson leave and murmur to Jack that he ‘better fucking fix this’ before he walked out, leaving us alone.
Jack directed me toward the couch and pulled me onto his lap. I went without a fight because it felt too damn good to be in his arms again. It felt so much better than the fear and rage I had wrapped around myself the past week. I took a deep breath and got myself fully under control. I looked up at Jack, and he wiped away the tears from my wet cheeks.
I finally looked at him and registered how tired and worn he really looked. His eyes were a little bloodshot with dark circles that stood out against his pale cheeks. I worried about everything he had been through the past few days and wanted to kiss his worries away, but I couldn’t let go of my anger so quickly. All I could get out was the one question I needed answered. “Why?”
“I don’t know, Lu. Because I’m a dumb ass.” He shook his head in regret and exhaustion. “I hate that I don’t have a better answer. I got so damn busy, and my hours were fucked up, and I didn’t know what to say. There was another murder, and I’m just at the end of my damn rope. I don’t know what to do. And I’m sorry. None of this excuses not sending out a quick message. I’m an ass, and I can only promise that it won’t happen again.” It all rambled out, and I couldn’t help but let a little of my anger fade away when I saw how mentally beat down he seemed.
Placing my hands on his cheeks to lift his face to mine, I laid my lips gently on his before pulling away and making sure he saw the sincerity in my eyes. “Make sure that it doesn’t. I won’t tolerate it again.”
And that was it. I didn’t want to keep arguing. He nodded his head in understanding. Me being mad for longer wouldn’t have solved anything, and I just wanted to feel him again. As quickly as all the emotions came on, they left, leaving me exhausted with relief. I got off his lap and led him upstairs to shower before we both fell into bed. He squeezed me tight as he whispered how sorry he was and that it wouldn’t happen again. He told me he loved me and needed me. And with those words, we held each other tight as we let the physical and mental exhaustion take us over.