Cruel Surrender by Terri Anne Browning

Ciana

Heart pounding,I sat upright in bed, glancing around frantically. For Nova. For Sheena. For Ryan. But the room was dark. Gulping in one deep lungful of air after another, I reached out blindly for Bain, needing his arms around me.

When I didn’t feel him beside me, I found the lamp on the nightstand and clicked it on. Seeing that his side of the bed was empty, my heart dropped and tears filled my eyes. Swallowing the lump that filled my throat, I curled up into a ball in the middle of the bed and pulled his pillow to my chest, letting the tears run free.

“Nova,” I whimpered as the memory of what had happened to her mixed with my nightmare replaying through my head. “N-Nova,” I sobbed. “P-please forgive me.”

One of the babies kicked me, as if trying to soothe me, remind me that I wasn’t alone, but my heart hurt too much for it to do more than make me cry harder. My girls would never know how fiercely their Auntie Nova would have loved them. How much she would have spoiled them, made their lives better for having had her be a part of it.

The pain of Nova’s loss only seemed to get worse with each day that passed. Every time I fell asleep, it was to wake up to the realization that she was gone, and it was like watching her be torn apart right in front of me all over again. That feeling alone was enough to make me not want to sleep.

The feel of Bain’s body molding to mine from behind made me jerk in surprise, but I only turned over and buried my face in his chest, needing the comfort of his arms around me. The smell of sweat and something metallic filled my nose, but I didn’t pause to think about what it could be as I clung to him.

“Don’t cry,” he pleaded, kissing the top of my head. “Whatever’s wrong, I’ll fix it. I promise.”

“N-Nova,” I choked out her name. “Y-you can’t bring her back.”

His arms tightened around me. “If I could, I would, mo chroí. I want to give you everything you need, but some things are out of my reach.”

I wiped my nose on his shirt and started to get up. He reached out his hand to help me, and I caught sight of his bloody knuckles. “Bain!” I cried, touching my fingertips to the deepest of the gashes, all other thoughts leaving my head the moment I saw he was hurt. They were still bleeding, but at least they looked as if they had been cleaned. “What happened?”

He pulled his hand free to fix the pillows so they were cushioned behind my back before helping me lean against them. “I had to take care of a problem concerning Declan.”

I couldn’t help shuddering at just the mention of his name. “So, he won’t be coming around anymore?” He clenched his jaw, not answering me, and that only made me angry. “You promised he wouldn’t be in the house anymore. I guess I should have expected you to lie about that, given you’ve done nothing but lie to me.”

Hazel eyes locked with mine. “I have never and will never break any promise I make to you, Ciana. Declan won’t come near you again, because I broke his fucking neck less than an hour ago.”

“You broke…his neck?” He shrugged, and I grabbed his hand again, offering him comfort for the loss of his friend. Even if he was the one who had taken his life. “But… I didn’t mean for you to kill him. I just didn’t want him around me or the babies once they were born.”

Bain turned his hand over in mine, rubbing his thumb over my palm in a way that was oddly soothing. “He confessed that he was there when Sheena hurt you,” he gritted out.

His face was blank, but he couldn’t quite hide the pain and betrayal swirling around like storm clouds in his camo eyes. Without second-guessing myself, I cupped his scruffy jaw, the need to comfort him only growing. He closed his eyes, leaning into my touch as if it was all that was keeping him tethered to the world.

“I might have let him live for going against me, but he was there. He let Sheena burn you, kill your little Nova right in front of you.” He turned his head and kissed my palm. “I couldn’t let him live after that.”

“I’m sorry he betrayed you,” I whispered as I tried to comprehend the full magnitude of what Bain had done because of me. He’d actually killed his friend for no other reason than Declan was there when someone else harmed me. It was crazy, but for some reason, it made me think he might actually love me after all.

Maybe.

Damn it, I was losing my mind. It had to be pregnancy hormones turning me inside out because I was actually touched that Bain had killed someone for me.

Needing to get my mind on something else, I pointed at his knuckles. “These two need stitches. Especially this one.” I pulled his hand closer for a better look. “What happened here? It looks like you were stabbed.”

“His teeth broke off when I punched him,” he said, letting me examine his injuries without flinching. If I’d done this to one of my brothers, they would have complained about me nagging them until Mama told them to shut up before she took them to the hospital. The threat of a hospital—or, worse, a shot—had always worked like magic on those three.

Guilt swamped me as I thought of Vito and Bennie, and I pushed Bain’s hand away. Disappointment flashed in his eyes for a moment, but I ignored the puppy-dog eyes as I got out of bed and waddled into the bathroom to get the first aid kit I’d seen earlier. My stomach got bigger by the day—at times, it felt as if it grew by the freaking hour—and it would only get less comfortable with each passing week.

I washed my hands then returned to the bed where Bain was sitting on the edge, watching me hungrily. Dressed in one of his T-shirts that fit me like a tent and sleep pants, my hair in tangles, and my face completely devoid of makeup, I knew I looked like a hot mess. Yet he was looking at me like he was starving.

I rolled my eyes as I set the kit on the bed beside him. “Stop it.”

“Stop what, mo chroí?” he asked innocently.

“Stop looking at me like I’m your last meal,” I snipped as I opened an alcohol swab. The gashes appeared to have been cleaned already, but I’d bet just about anything it hadn’t been done right. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared, though. He’d shot my brothers the day before, so no one would blame me if I let him get an infection. Who would care if he lost his hand or, worse…died?

I would.

Not just our daughters, but me.

Sighing, I picked up his hand and started cleaning it.

“I can’t,” he muttered after a moment, confusing me.

“Can’t what?” I asked, distracted. If these were really from Declan’s teeth breaking off, then he must have shattered the guy’s mouth.

“I can’t stop looking at you like that. You are, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever set eyes on. The day I don’t look at you like I want to devour you is the day they put me in the ground.” He grasped my waist with his free hand, pulling me between his spread thighs. Carefully, he guided me down to sit on his leg and buried his face in my neck. My body instantly reacted to his touch, the feel of his nose skimming up to my ear, his lips brushing over my sensitive flesh. It had been an eternity since we were last together, and I ached for him. “From the first moment I saw your picture, I wanted you. I went back to my penthouse and jacked off until my cock was raw to that picture. But it didn’t help. I only craved you more.”

“And you didn’t think for even two seconds to approach me like a normal person?” I huffed. “Like maybe bumping into me somewhere and starting up a conversation? Asking me on a date?”

He lifted his head and met my gaze. “Would you have gone to dinner with me, my beauty? Even if I’d come up to you and told you point-blank who I really was, not Torin Kennedy, but Bain O’Farrell. Would you have given me a chance?”

“No,” I answered honestly, not even bothering to pretend to think about it. “Because I was taught to fear that name.”

“Exactly,” he muttered unhappily.

“But I would have wanted to,” I admitted. “I would have thought about you nonstop, just as I did when I met you on the island. That first night, after I left you on the balcony, I couldn’t get you out of my head. Even the next morning, you were still on my mind. It drove me crazy, because I’ve never had a reaction like that to anyone. So, no, I wouldn’t have accepted a date with you if you’d asked me out. But if you’d been persistent, shown me that you wanted me and not to hurt those I care about, then I would have eventually given in.”

“Did you learn nothing about me during our time on the island, mo chroí?” he asked with a grim smile. “I am not a patient man. Working to wear you down would have taken way too long.”

A snort escaped me before I could stop myself. “I like to think I learned a lot about you, but it turned out that it was all an illusion.”

“No,” he denied vehemently. Cupping my chin, he tilted my head back until our gazes locked. “No, Ciana. You saw the real me like no one else ever has. With you, I can be myself. The me that not a single other person has ever been privileged enough to even glimpse. Not even my da.”

My heart did that flutter thing, and I knew I was weakening even more where he was concerned. “You didn’t want to take the time to work for me, so you lied and betrayed me? And what about Cori?” Just saying her name pissed me off. That was good, because I needed to remember my anger. It was safer. “How long were you with her? When did you stop fucking her and decided I was all you wanted, or did you ever stop?”

“You think I would be with anyone else once I’d experienced perfection?” he asked incredulously. “I ended things with Cori after I saw your picture. All I wanted then, all I will ever want until the day I take my last breath, is you. My heart is yours, and so is my cock.”

“I-I don’t believe you.”

He dropped his hand from my face to my belly. “Liar,” he teased, lifting my nightshirt to caress the taut flesh just under my navel. Like they had earlier, two of the babies kicked against his hand, making him smile. “Even the babies don’t believe you, mo chroí.”

“Whatever,” I huffed, grasping his hand none too gently as I started cleaning it once again.

I could feel his gaze on my face, but I couldn’t look at him. My emotions were all over the place, and I didn’t know if I could actually blame it all on pregnancy hormones. I had been this fucked up over this man before I even found out I was going to have his children. If I was completely honest, even if it was with no one but myself, I would admit that I had been fucked up the moment I’d set eyes on him.

The pure vulnerability I’d witnessed as he’d stood on the balcony thinking he was all alone was something I would never forget. The way his shoulders had hunched and he’d dropped his head, as if he needed a break from holding the world up all on his own… Yeah, that twisted at something deep in my heart every time I remembered it.

“I was impatient to win your heart,” he murmured after nearly a full minute had elapsed, pulling my gaze back to his face. “But that doesn’t mean I thought you weren’t worth the work. If I could do it all over again, I would change everything. Not just how we met, but…” He blew out a heavy sigh. “Everything.”

I picked up a few of the butterfly bandages from the first aid kit and placed one on the worst of the gashes. “Thank you,” I whispered, putting my full attention into closing his wound with the sticking strips. “If nothing else, thank you for that much, at least.”

His grunt was self-deprecating. “You shouldn’t thank me for something I can’t give you.”

“Maybe it’s the thought that counts,” I muttered, finishing up bandaging his hand. Once the last butterfly bandage was in place, I stood and began gathering the trash and the kit.

“Thoughts don’t count, though,” he argued, grabbing my elbow when I would have turned away. “Because if they did, you would have already forgiven me, and we both know you haven’t.”

“No,” I agreed. “I haven’t, and I doubt I ever will.”

His face twisted with pain. “Why?” he rasped. “What do I have to do to earn your forgiveness?”

“I don’t trust you. I could never fully trust you because I’ll always be questioning if your loyalty is to Sheena or me.” I tugged my arm free, and he released me, albeit reluctantly. “I want our girls to grow up knowing their father, so I know we will always have to work together for their sake, but I’ll always be wondering what she will try to do next. To hurt Ryan. To hurt me. To hurt our babies. And frankly, I don’t trust you to have our children’s best interests at heart when it comes to her and anyone I care about.”

His eyes darkened. “You think I would choose Sheena over you or our daughters?”

I just stood there, staring down at him, letting my eyes answer for me.

Bain muttered a curse under his breath before holding his hand out, almost imploringly. “And if I proved that you are the most important person in my life? That Sheena is nothing you will ever have to worry about again?”

I lifted my shoulder in a half shrug. “I can’t see how you could make that happen.”

“We’ll see, mo chroí.”