Cruel Surrender by Terri Anne Browning

Ciana

“When you saidSheena wouldn’t ever be an issue again, I didn’t imagine you had this in mind,” I whisper-shouted as I gazed down at the open hatbox in…

Disgust?

Fear?

Fascination?

I couldn’t decide what I was feeling as I picked up a pen from Bain’s desk and used it to poke at Sheena’s head. The odor coming from it was something a person never would forget, no matter how long it was since the last time they’d smelled it. I remembered it well from nursing school and the few times a dead body had been brought into the ER during my emergency room clinical rotation.

The level of decomposition suggested Sheena had been dead for several days, not less than eighteen hours, but Bain had confessed that he’d put that bullet hole in his great-grandmother’s head himself right after we’d arrived at the castle. Given that he’d been so confident that I would trust him about never worrying about Sheena again, I kind of did believe he was telling the truth about shooting his dear old granny.

“Well?”

I had to force my eyes away from the pure horror of the old woman’s face to look at Bain. “Well, what?”

He took the pen from my hand and tossed it into the wastebasket beside the desk. “Do you believe me now?”

“It’s kind of hard not to trust you regarding Sheena, given that she’s burning in hell right now.”

“I wanted to gift you her head for what she put you through, but it’s also my vow of loyalty.” He gently grasped my upper arms, pulling me into his big body. His brow softened as he touched one hand to my thick waist. “To you and the babies. The four of you will always come first to me.”

Unconsciously, I leaned into his touch. “The next time you decide to gift me a dead body, I think pictures will be sufficient.”

He grinned. “I will definitely keep that in mind, mo chroí.”

“I’m beginning to see you have an overly dramatic flair to you, Mr. O’Farrell,” I said dryly. “You enjoy surprising people with the extremely unexpected.”

“Only when it comes to you, my beauty,” he murmured, lowering his head to touch his lips to the top of my head.

I savored his affection for a moment before pulling away, feeling guilty all over again for wanting his embrace, his warmth, his love when he very well could have killed my brothers. As I turned away, I heard his heavy exhale and knew I’d disappointed him.

“You said the doctor and his staff were coming today?” I reminded him.

“Yes, Brody should have already shown them into the great room.” He touched the small of my back as we left the office. “Do you like the house?” he asked when he saw me glancing up at a painting as we passed it.

“It’s beautiful.”

“That doesn’t tell me if you like it or not.”

I shrugged. “Under different circumstances, I’m sure I would have loved living here.”

Bain clenched his jaw but remained silent. By the tension in his shoulders, I could tell he was angry, but I’d only given him the truth. There had already been enough lies between us for me to add more now. If we were going to pull off the whole co-parenting thing without killing each other, we had to be one-hundred-percent honest with each other, even about the little things.

For the next two hours, we sat in the great room discussing the care plan for the rest of my pregnancy. My doctor was a woman, just like the midwife and the NP were, which didn’t surprise me with how possessive Bain tended to be. They were all surprised by my extensive knowledge until I explained my career choice and where I’d worked the last few years.

Dr. Rose considered that I knew both the good and bad things to expect, a blessing and a curse at the same time. Just how complicated the situation was with any or all of the babies was something I worried about on an hourly basis, not just randomly throughout the day. At times, I’d sat in the darkness of my room back at the compound, silently freaking out about what could go wrong. Which could only lead to complications of its own. Something I was all too aware of as well but was helpless to stop myself from doing.

After a full exam, Dr. Rose and her staff left, assuring me I was doing beautifully and that they would be back the following week. She wanted me to come in for an ultrasound soon, but for now, everything was going better than she thought it would be, considering how adamant Bain had been about taking the utmost care of the babies and me.

She’d laughed as she and her staff stood to go. “With how desperate Mr. Kennedy’s associate made everything sound, I was expecting to find you barely able to move for risk of miscarrying. I’m glad to see it was just a typical man overreacting.”

Throughout the entire visit, Bain had been very vocal, asking question upon question, making sure every base was covered. Including if we could have sex or not. But when Dr. Rose had said she thought it would be safest if we forwent penetrative intercourse, I’d expected him to have been disappointed. Instead, he’d been understanding, maybe even relieved.

I was more disappointed than he was, and that pissed me off.

It wasn’t like I was going to sleep with him. No way. He shot my brothers, damn it.

And I was disappointed—no, I assured myself, I was mad—because apparently, he didn’t want to have sex with me. The way he looked at me must be all for show, to make me think he wanted me, but really, he probably couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing me naked. With my big belly, wider hips, and the burns that were going to leave scars, I was anything but sexy to him. The relief that flashed in his eyes had been hard to miss.

I wasn’t disappointed.

Or hurt.

I was so mad, I excused myself and went to our room, wanting away from him before I did something I would regret. Like smack him.

Or cry.

For the rest of that day and the next, I steered clear of him, avoiding him as much as possible. When he asked if something was wrong, I only told him I was tired, which was true. I was exhausted. But every time I closed my eyes to try to sleep, I was jerked awake by the nightmares.

Even though I knew Sheena could no longer hurt me, her laughter as she did what she’d done to Nova haunted my dreams. The lack of sleep was making me nauseated, and I woke up on the third day and had to quickly stumble to the bathroom. But I didn’t make it to the toilet before being violently sick. I wasn’t sure if it was from how tired I was, or if it was because I couldn’t stomach the sound of Sheena’s cackling in my head anymore.

Sobbing, I bent in half, retching. My knees felt weak—from lack of sleep or the violence of being ill, I wasn’t sure—but I felt myself falling and cried out in distress, knowing I didn’t have the energy to stop myself.

Bain’s arms caught me. “I have you, mo chroí,” he panted, scooping me up.

I couldn’t answer because I was too busy throwing up…all over him. The sight and smell normally wouldn’t have bothered me. I was a nurse, for fuck’s sake. I’d handled far worse when I’d done my clinicals during nursing school and hadn’t gagged once. But I was so embarrassed that I’d just puked all over him, my stomach heaved again in protest.

He didn’t even seem fazed by it as he carried me into the shower. There was a bench against one wall, and he carefully sat me down. “What can I do to help you?” he asked, sounding almost helpless. I didn’t think he’d ever taken care of a sick person before in his life.

“Washcloth,” I gasped, leaning my head against the cool, tiled wall. “Dampened with cold water.”

He straightened and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it aside, not seeming to notice the smell as he rushed to do as I’d instructed. Moments later, he touched the cool cloth to my cheek, and I took it from him, cleaning myself off while he crouched in front of me. When he touched my leg, I noticed his hands were trembling.

“Should I call Dr. Rose?” His voice was almost as shaky as his hands. I shook my head, and he only seemed to get more upset. “Are you sure? You’re so pale, and these dark shadows under your eyes look like someone has beaten you. Did you get any sleep at all last night?”

“Where were you last night?” I asked, my voice hoarse from all the vomiting. Except for that first night when he’d shown up with bloody knuckles, he hadn’t even tried to sleep in the same bed once since we’d arrived, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. I wanted to say I would have screamed and kicked him out of the master bedroom, but honestly, I wasn’t sure I would have. Other than to check on me before I fell asleep or first thing the next morning, he’d kept his distance from the bedroom.

I didn’t want to admit that I wanted his arms around me. I didn’t think I could sleep peacefully without him holding me. But I feared that was the only way the nightmares would leave me alone so I could get some rest. The last time I’d actually slept was when I’d fallen asleep in his arms on the trip from New York to Montreal. That felt like eons ago rather than mere days.

He grimaced. “We’re about to have company. I’ve been preparing for our guests.”

“Guests?” I squeaked, sitting up a little straighter despite how nauseated I still felt.

His face tightened. “My sources tell me your family is only a few hours away. We have a few things to discuss before their arrival.” When I just sat there staring at him in bewilderment, he took the washcloth from me and started wiping me off again. “Do you want a shower? I can help you…” His jaw turned to granite. “At least I’ll try.”

I didn’t know which I was more stunned to hear. That my family was on their way, or that he actually wanted to help me shower. Needing a moment to prepare myself for what the arrival of my family might mean, I shook my head. “I-I think I can take it from here.”

Conflicting emotions crossed his face, but he gave a nod and straightened once again. “If you need anything, I’ll just be in the bedroom.”

I waited until the door shut behind him before moving. Which members of my family were coming? Of course Papa would come for me, but would…Ryan?

My stomach heaved again, and I didn’t think I had the strength to see my honorary twin yet. He’d been so busy since Nova’s death that we hadn’t had time to talk, so he didn’t know my part in everything. But if he came, and realized exactly who Bain was to me, then there would be no keeping the truth from him any longer.

Oh God, he would know it was my fault Nova was dead.

She’d been everything to him. His life revolved around her. And if it weren’t for me, she might still be alive.

Tears poured down my face as I showered, my nausea and exhaustion only escalating as I struggled to do the smallest tasks. I barely had any hair left now, but my arms felt like they weighed fifty pounds each as I washed it.

By the time I dried off, I was stumbling around. My robe was hanging on the back of the bathroom door, and I fumbled with the belt as I walked into the bathroom, my hair still dripping because I had no strength left even to towel-dry it.

“When will they be here?” I asked as I waddled to the bed and sat down.

Bain stood by the window, looking out over the courtyard, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. He hadn’t put on a clean shirt yet, so he was just in his shoes and slacks. He looked like a statue standing there, his shoulders so tight with tension they could have been carved from rock. Seeing the tattoo on his back, I was reminded of the moment when I realized who he was, and a tear spilled from my eye. I quickly dashed it away before he could turn to see me crying.

“They are about three hours out,” he said after a moment, turning to face me. “Are you feeling better?”

“It’s just lack of sleep,” I said with a shrug. Even that felt like it took too much effort, wasting what little strength I still possessed. “I need all the rest I can get because the babies suck all my energy, but I can’t sleep.”

His face darkened with concern. “Should we ask Dr. Rose to prescribe you something to help you sleep?”

“Getting to sleep isn’t the issue. It’s what happens when I close my eyes.” When he just stood there looking confused, I got frustrated with him. “The nightmares, Bain. I can’t sleep because every time I drift off, I’m haunted by what happened.”

Understanding dawned in his eyes. “But you have nothing to fear from Sheena now, mo chroí. I’ve eliminated the evil she wanted to infect you with.”

“It doesn’t matter that she’s dead. What she did is still locked in my head. It’s not just what she did to me physically, damn it. She took Nova from me… From Ryan.”

My voice caught on his name, causing Bain’s already stiff posture to harden even more. “Why does it hurt you more that he lost her, than you did?” he gritted out.

I looked up at him for a long moment, trying to figure out if he was upset or if he just didn’t comprehend why Ryan hurting was more painful for me than my own pain alone. Something in his voice threw me off, made me unable to decipher which it was, so I tried to explain it to him. “Because his pain is mine. That’s what happens when you really love and care about someone. When they hurt, so do you. Their loss is your own. I’m mourning the death of my loved one, but I’m also feeling the agony the person I love the most is experiencing.”

“The person you…love…the most.” He repeated it slowly, enunciating each word, and I knew. It wasn’t that he hadn’t comprehended why it hurt me more that Ryan had lost Nova than my own loss of my beloved cousin. He wasn’t just upset. Now he was practically vibrating with rage. “Ryan Vitucci is the person you love most?”

Bain’s obvious anger only spiked my own. “Yes, of course he is. Ryan is my best friend. I would do anything for him.”

“But the same can’t be said for me? You wouldn’t do anything for me?” He lifted a brow at me, taunting me to answer. “You no longer love me?”

“No,” I snapped. “The same cannot be said for you. Ryan has done nothing but show me how much I mean to him our entire lives. I know that he loves me. That he would put his own life on the line to protect me. Just as I would for him.”

“He’s coming here to take you away from me,” he growled. “You’re not going with him. You’re mine now. He can’t have you.”

“Okay, one—I’ll go wherever the fuck I please. And two—you are making this sound incredibly disgusting.” I touched my stomach as it started to roil again. “Ryan is my cousin, my honorary twin. I consider him just as much my brother as Zayne, Vito, or Bennie. You’re making it seem like…like…” I gagged.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” he muttered, rubbing his hands over his jaw in frustration. The scruff had only gotten thicker the last few days. I kind of liked it, not that I was going to tell him that. But it was definitely unlike Bain to go without shaving for more than a day. “He’s going to try to take you from me, Ciana.”

When I continued to sit there, unspeaking, unmoving, just staring up at him, he exploded. “You won’t go with him. Do I make myself clear? If you even think about it—”

“What?” I demanded. “You’ll what?”

“I’ll kill him.”

Everything inside me went cold. “No, you won’t,” I denied. “Killing him would only start a war. If they really are all coming for me, then you must know it would only lead to a free-for-all. If anything happens to Ryan, Anya will kill everyone.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take to keep you with me,” he said in a cold tone. “But are you willing to take it?”

“I-I…”

“This place is impenetrable. No one comes or goes unless I give the word. Ryan will be the only one allowed inside when they get here. And I will put a sniper on him from the moment he steps inside the property walls.” He crossed his arms over his chest and cocked his head slightly to the right, almost smirking at me. Because the asshole knew he had me right where he wanted me. “You even suggest that you’re going to leave with him, and it’s over. He will have a bullet in his head the minute you take a single step in his direction.”

“No, please,” I whispered, blinking back tears. “Bain, don’t do this. Don’t threaten him. Don’t… Don’t make me hate you more than I already do.”

He flinched. “I don’t want your hate, mo chroí. Only your love. But if I can’t have that, then at least I will still have you.”

I closed my eyes. “Ryan will never just leave me here.”

“He will if you convince him we’re madly in love and want to live our lives in peace.” I lifted my lashes to find him staring down at me intently. “Make him believe that we are playing happy family, Ciana. I think I’ve proven to you by now that I don’t like games. When I say I will do something, I do it. War means nothing to me. Keeping you with me, that is all that matters. I’ll kill anyone who tries to take you from me. Including your precious Ryan.”

“You’re a monster,” I whispered, losing the battle against my tears. “You wonder why I hate you? You’re nothing but a sick monster just like Sheena.”

His face drained of color. “Mo chroí—”

“Stop calling me that!” I screamed. If I’d had the energy, I would have jumped to my feet and punched him in the face. But as it was, it was all I could do not to pass out while sitting down. “You lost the right to call me that a long time ago, but to threaten Ryan like this… I hate you!”

“No,” he denied, desperation thick in his voice, making it even harsher than it had been only moments ago when he was threatening my loved one. “You just hate that you love me.”

“I hate you.” It came out like a vow, my voice clear and cold as I glared up at him. “If it weren’t for Ryan, I would—”

“Say his name again, mo chroí,” he dared, bending so we were closer. Jealous possessiveness flashed in his eyes. “Say it, and I promise his head will be in the next box I bring to you before I have it delivered to his mother.”

“Bastard,” I spat at him, my heart breaking all over again. Why did I continue to let him have the power to hurt me? “And you wonder why I hate you? You’re nothing but a sick monster, just like Sheena.”

“I’m the monster she made me.” He turned away from me. “But this monster loves you.”

“Someone once told me there is a fine line between love and obsession. Both had the potential to consume a person. But while love is selfless, obsession is nothing but selfish. What you feel for me, that’s not love, Bain. You don’t do these things to someone you claim to love.” I watched his head lower, his chin nearly touching his chest. “All you care about is yourself. Even the health of these babies and me, it’s all for your own sake, not ours. What I want, or need, that doesn’t even cross your mind, does it?”

He was quiet for a long moment before lifting his head and turning to face me. “Believe what you want, mo chroí. I don’t wish to argue with you about it. Get dressed and come downstairs. We have to be prepared to show a united front when your family arrives.”