Becoming by Jourdyn Kelly

IT FELT FOREIGNfor Rebecca being back in her office at the club. She hadn’t been back since she left Cassidy that night a little more than two months ago. So many things have changed since then. Within her life as well as within herself. She didn’t feel that overwhelming feeling of obligation anymore. Of course, the guilt was still present. But the burden had lessened. Whether that was because of Cassidy or therapy, Rebecca wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was a bit of both.

“Mistress?”

It took a moment for Rebecca to realize her assistant was calling for her attention. She blinked, putting her mental mask back into place behind the physical mask she still wore. Revealing herself to Cassidy, in more ways than one, made wearing a mask here a little more tedious. Maybe it was time to make some changes.

“Yes, Carlie?”

“Your appointment has arrived. Would you like me to set up your room?”

Rebecca looked up from the spreadsheets she had been trying to study since she got in.

“Excuse me?”

Rebecca could only imagine what Carlie saw as she stared back. A soft pink bustier was hidden behind a power suit in a darker shade. Mistress’s mask was also pink today and hid most of her face. But she didn’t think there was a mask big enough to hide the absolute confusion in her eyes. Carlie had been with her for a couple of years but had never seen Mistress as anything but confident and in control. That was something Mistress made sure of.

“Um.” It was a rare moment of uncertainty from the normally efficient assistant. “Your appointment.”

“This is my first day back. I don’t have any appointments.” Rebecca started flipping through her calendar. Rebecca was one who needed every “I” dotted, every “T” crossed. Which is why she had taken care of everything of importance regarding the club before she left. And, why she insisted on going over every line of the club’s profit/loss reports herself. At this point, the club could practically run itself. As such, there’d be no way she would have set up any appointments on her first day back.

“Oh, well, Mr. Abrams came in and requested…”

“You booked a client? With me?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Carlie, you know that I don’t do that any longer. I haven’t taken clients for almost a year now. Why did you book my room?”

“Well, um.” Carlie shuffled her feet. It wasn’t often Mistress got upset with her. “You had a client before you left, Mistress. I just assumed…”

“Never assume, Carlie,” Mistress said harshly. She forced herself not to say Cassidy’s name. Or to tell her assistant—who knew nothing about her personal life—that Cassidy was much more than a client. That she was never a client. “Cancel.”

“But, Mistress.” Carlie’s mouth clamped shut when Mistress looked up at her sternly. “It’s just, he’s been calling every other week. He’s paying triple your rate.”

“I don’t care.” Mistress’s voice turned icy. No matter how different she felt inside, she was still in control. Having Carlie go behind her back and take on a client for her without her permission was unacceptable. “Cancel. And, don’t ever do this again. I am no longer taking clients. Understood?”

“Yes, Mistress. What should I tell Mr. Abrams?”

Mistress lifted a brow, but the effect was lost behind the mask. “You made the appointment, figure it out.” She sighed when Carlie merely stood there. “Find him someone else, or tell him that under no circumstances will I be seeing him or anyone again. I’ve… retired.” Ugh, way to make yourself feel old.

Rebecca’s cell phone rang cutting off any further conversation between her and her assistant. She waved her out of the office before picking up her phone. A genuine—and relieved—smile graced her face when she saw Cassidy’s name on her screen.

“Hey,” she answered softly.

“Hey, baby. Is it okay that I called?”

They had been taking advantage of their “honeymoon stage” for the past week and it had been absolute bliss. Rebecca made good on her guarantee that they would spend more time together than apart. And, Cassidy made good on… well, everything she did to Rebecca. This was actually the first night they would be spending the night separately.

“Of course, it is. I’m actually glad to hear your voice.”

“Everything okay?” Cass heard a slight edge to Rebecca’s tone and was immediately alert.

Rebecca sighed. “Yes. My assistant somehow got it in her head that I’m taking clients again. She just told me I had an appointment.”

Well, shit. Didn’t see that one coming. Cassidy was eerily quiet for a second. “I see. I guess this is a bad time then. I’ll let you go,” she said flatly.

Amazingly, Rebecca kept her cool. Oddly enough, she understood Cassidy’s confused jealousy. “Cassidy, I’m not taking any clients.”

“Oh. I thought you said…”

“I said my assistant made the appointment. Not me. Apparently, since I had you in my room, she thought I was back in the game. I’m not. She’ll have to tell Mr. Abrams to find someone else.”

Cassidy blew out a breath of absolute relief. “Good. I mean, you know, if that’s what you want.” Smooth, Cass.

Rebecca chuckled at Cassidy’s attempt at nonchalance. “It’s what I want.”

“So, I called… wait.” Cass paused as something Rebecca said hit her brain. “Mr. Abrams? You had men clients?”

Uh oh. This was one topic they hadn’t discussed. Yet. Maybe Cassidy had been purposefully avoiding the subject. Hell, maybe Rebecca was, too. It wasn’t exactly sexy to talk about their time with other people. Even if it wasn’t about sex.

“Yes,” Rebecca answered carefully.

“But, you’re a lesbian.”

“I’m well aware of that fact, Cassidy.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I told you it wasn’t about sex in my room. Not until you. It was about control. And, for my clients, giving that control up. I didn’t discriminate who I wielded that control on. In fact, men served me a great deal when it came to becoming stronger after Samantha. If I could control them, I could control anyone.”

Rebecca could practically hear the wheels turning in Cassidy’s head. Their time together had given her great insight into the inner workings of Cassidy’s mind. She wasn’t particularly analytical, but she had street smarts. When Cassidy was stuck on a specific issue, she would become quiet, working out the situation in her head. It was quite the interesting process to watch.

“I guess I get that,” Cass said finally. And, she did. She didn’t like it, but she understood it.

“But, you don’t like it,” Rebecca guessed correctly.

“I don’t like thinking of anyone in that room with you, whether it was sexual or not,” Cass confessed. “I know that’s stupid, but all I think about when I think about the Pink room is what happened between us.”

“You believe me when I tell you that it wasn’t like that with anyone else, right?”

“Yeah, babe, of course, I do. But, that’s the image in my head, you know? So, it takes me a minute to push that aside.”

“Duly noted,” Rebecca smiled. “Now, you were about to tell me why you called before we both got sidetracked. Not that you need a reason.”

“Huh? Oh! Right.”

Cassidy laughed at herself—another thing Rebecca learned was a frequent occurrence. Cassidy didn’t take herself or life too seriously. And she rarely had a filter. Whatever she thought, she usually ended up saying. It was something Rebecca was learning to appreciate. There was no pretense with Cassidy. What you saw was what you got. And Rebecca undeniably liked what she saw. Very much.

“I, uh, know you said that you were staying at your place tonight. I totally get it,” she said quickly. “I was just wondering if maybe I could take you to dinner first? Or, you know, come over with takeout and stuff?”

“Takeout and stuff,” Rebecca repeated with amusement. “And, would ‘stuff’ include sex?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Cassidy’s response was comically innocent.

“Mmhmm. And, after ‘stuff’ were you hoping I’d ask you to stay because we’d both be too exhausted to move?”

“I don’t know where you’re coming up with this, but I’m digging what you’re suggesting, baby.”

Rebecca heard the smile in Cassidy’s voice and laughed. “You’re a nut. You know that, right?”

“As long as I’m your nut, I’m good with that,” Cass replied, unknowingly causing Rebecca to shiver at the thought.

“How are we ever going to know if we can be apart if we never are?” Rebecca asked lightly.

“We’re apart right now,” Cass pointed out. And, I’m willing to forgo that experiment. I don’t need to be apart from you. For once, her mouth didn’t bite her in the ass by saying that out loud.

“And, talking on the phone about being together later,” Rebecca countered merrily.

“Hey, can I help it that my girlfriend is devastatingly sexy and my body aches for her every second she’s not with me?”

Wow.“Whoa. If you could feel what your words just did to me,” Rebecca said softly and heard a small groan from Cassidy.

“It’s all true, baby.” They have had sex every night since Rebecca came back into Cass’s life. And, still, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t just about the sex either. She truly enjoyed being in Rebecca’s presence. Something about the woman made Cass feel… whole. And, exceedingly happy.

“Takeout. My place,” Rebecca demanded. “Be there at seven. I’ll try to be out of here early. And, Cassidy?”

“Yes, Mistress?”

Obviously, Cassidy was learning Rebecca’s moods.

“Bring your friend and extra clothes.”

“Yes, Mistress!”

“CAN I ASKyou something?” Cassidy dug her chopsticks into the Chinese takeout box, coming up with a piece of beef dripping with brown sauce. She plopped it in her mouth as she waited for Rebecca’s permission to go on.

“Just did,” Rebecca joked. She twisted a good amount of Lo Mein noodles onto her chopsticks. “Go ahead,” she said before taking her bite.

“Why did you keep the club? Was it just to become a Dom?”

Rebecca managed not to choke on her food, chewing carefully while trying to think of a way to explain. They were sitting in Rebecca’s elegantly decorated living room. At first, Cassidy had been reluctant to sit on the cream-colored sofa and eat. It wasn’t until Rebecca sat, cross-legged, at the coffee table, digging into the food that Cassidy acquiesced.

“Should I not have asked that?” Cass continued before Rebecca could answer.

“You can ask anything you want. Having a relationship means not keeping things from each other, right?”

Cassidy grinned as she leaned over and fed Rebecca a piece of broccoli. “Right.”

“You know, you need to eat more vegetables,” Rebecca said around the big piece Cassidy fed her.

“Yeah, yeah.” Cassidy picked up a baby corn and made a show of eating it. “Is this your way of avoiding my question?”

Rebecca put her chopsticks to the side and sighed. “I’m not avoiding. I’m trying to figure out a way to explain it that makes sense.”

Cassidy nodded and kept eating quietly. The woman must have had a bottomless pit for a stomach.

“Obligation,” Rebecca said quietly.

“Obligation?” Cassidy repeated with a mouth full of food.

Rebecca passed her girlfriend a napkin. “Yes. That was the main reason I kept the club open. After what I did, I felt I owed it to Samantha to keep her dream going.”

Cass frowned and pushed her food to the side. Fucking Samantha. She’d always been taught to not hate anyone. But, she was sure her mom would forgive her for this one. “You don’t owe that bitch anything!”

Rebecca shook her head. “You don’t understand…”

“You’re right. I don’t. She abused you. She tried to kill you. Why would you think you owed her anything?”

“I watched her die, Cassidy.”

“Of her own doing! You didn’t kill her.”

“Didn’t I?” Rebecca asked hotly. “I could have done something! I could have called for help! But, I did nothing. Nothing!”

Cassidy scooted closer and took Rebecca’s trembling hand. “Tell me something. What were your injuries that night?”

Rebecca closed her eyes. She could still feel the pain from that beating. It was ingrained deep in her bones and memory. “It doesn’t matter,” she murmured.

“It matters to me, baby. Let me help you.”

Rebecca nearly scoffed. If years of therapy with her aunt hadn’t worked, what made Cassidy think she could help? She immediately felt bad for that thought. Maybe Cassidy was exactly what Rebecca needed.

“Broken ribs, nose, and eye socket, dislocated arm, perforated spleen, and a few other internal things,” she answered as though she were reading words out of a dictionary.

“Jesus,” Cassidy muttered. Her heart ached for Rebecca. And her blood boiled at the thought of what she had to endure. “After all of that, why can’t you see why you owe her nothing? She deserved what she got after what she did to you.”

“She begged me, Cassidy. Begged me to help her.”

“Did you beg her to stop hurting you?” Cassidy asked carefully. Rebecca nodded. “And, did she?”

Rebecca looked up at Cassidy. “That makes me no better than she was.”

“That’s not true. Baby, what she did, she did because she was a fucking monster. You did what you had to do to survive. No one would blame you for that.”

Except me, Rebecca thought miserably. “Obligation wasn’t the only reason.” She didn’t agree with Cassidy, but it was time to move on.

“Okay.” Cass was disappointed with the change, but she didn’t show it. If Rebecca needed to move on, that’s what they would do. Cass had hope that she would have years to convince Rebecca that what happened wasn’t her fault. She would say it every day if she had to. But, for now, she sat with her back against the couch and pulled Rebecca to her. Gentle, yet strong arms surrounded the smaller woman like a safe cocoon. “I’m listening.”

“By the time Samantha… passed away, she had taken everything from me. My job, my freedom, my confidence. I questioned myself on everything. I was top of my class, Cassidy. Major companies came to me—a college student—to bail out their business. And I was able to do it with ease. Hearing how inept I was day after day for years? It broke me. What was once easy for me seemed unfamiliar. It was like picking up a pencil and not knowing how to write anymore.

“So, once Samantha’s voice was gone, and I was back on my feet, I had an opportunity to prove to myself that I still had the ability to… to be me. And more. I needed to take my control back. The club was perfect for me. I knew the ins and outs and had the opportunity to work on turning it into what it is today. And, the exclusivity offered the privacy I needed to get my control back by becoming the dominant one. I hid the weak Rebecca behind a mask and became Mistress. No one questions a dominatrix in a BDSM club about wearing a mask.”

It was the most in-depth look at the time Rebecca spent from the night she almost died until now that Cass had received. She couldn’t imagine what it had been like, but she thought she could grasp the reasoning behind everything Rebecca did. “I guess it worked. You certainly found your control.”

Rebecca missed the little smirk on Cassidy’s lips.

“It did. For a while.”

“What changed?”

Rebecca shrugged. “It was a challenge for me at first. Becoming Mistress. Letting go of every doubt Samantha put in my head. Finding the strength within myself to be the one in command and pretend I knew what the hell I was doing until I actually did. In time, I became very good at what I do, and I had clients paying triple just to be in my room.”

Cass grunted. She hadn’t meant to, but as she told Rebecca earlier, the images from that room always came to her. Only, when they were speaking of Rebecca’s clients, Cass’s face became faceless strangers.

Rebecca nimbly got to her knees and straddled Cassidy’s lap. “No sex,” she reiterated.

“I know, I know. I’m working on it.” Cass patted Rebecca’s ass lightly. “Ignore my childishness and continue, please.”

“It’s not childish. It’s human.” Rebecca kissed Cassidy lightly. “What changed was me, I suppose. After fifteen plus years, it started to become laborious. I wasn’t getting out of it what I was before.”

“You outgrew it?” Cass suggested, and Rebecca nodded. “When I came in, were you looking for another challenge?” She hated asking the question, but she needed to know she was more than that to Rebecca.

“I wasn’t looking for anything, Cassidy. Especially not someone as young as you.”

Cass smirked. “You need someone as young as me to keep up with you, baby. Even I have trouble.”

“You finally admit it!” Rebecca laughed, then caressed Cassidy’s cheek. “You’re not a challenge to me, Cassidy.”

“Thank you for not getting pissed at me for asking that, baby.”

“Were you afraid I would?”

Cass shrugged. “It was kinda insensitive. Okay, it was totally insensitive, and I regretted it the moment it left my traitorous mouth.”

Rebecca laughed softly. “I love that you say what you’re thinking and ask what you want to know. I never have to guess what’s going on with you. It’s refreshing.”

You may regret saying that, Cass thought. She knew her damn mouth was about to spew out the one question that has been plaguing her brain for days now. “I hope you still feel that way after my next question.”

Rebecca raised a brow. “What could you possibly ask that’s any worse than what I’ve already told you?”

“Um, it’s about sex.”

“What about it?”

“Well…” If Cass could move her legs, they’d both be shaking with adrenaline and nerves right now. You don’t need to know this. Of course, that didn’t stop her from asking. “Have you, um, been, you know, celibate this whole time?”

“Oh!” Rebecca’s eyebrows shot up. Wasn’t expecting that. “I, uh.” She laughed nervously. “Do you really want to talk about this?”

“No,” Cass answered truthfully. “And, yes. I mean, whatever is in my head is probably ten times worse than the truth. I guess that’s why I ask things all the time. Knowing the truth is better than imagining the worst, right?” She shrugged. “Look, I’ve been with many women.”

“Many,” Rebecca muttered and received a squeeze on her ass.

“Relatively. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of either. It’s just a fact. I’d go to a bar, pick someone up. Maybe it would turn out to be something that lasted a week or so. Most of the time, it wasn’t. My point is,” she continued when Rebecca continued to frown. “It’s unrealistic to think that the person we’ve, uh, fallen for has abstained for us. We’ve both lived. Maybe I just need to know what I’m up against?”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. “First of all, I’m going to need a roundabout number.” You’re only twenty-five. How many women could you have slept with?? “And, where I stand in all of those women.”

Cass snorted. “Less than twenty? And, you stand above all of them. I’ve never felt for any of them what I feel for you.”

Though twenty was a high number for Rebecca, it was manageable. Hell, she had way more than that in her room over the years. Even if it were different circumstances. “Thank you.”

Cass stared at Rebecca, silently urging her to answer Cass’s original question. Rebecca finally relented under the scrutiny.

“No, I wasn’t celibate. But,” she continued hastily. “Ugh, this is going to make me sound terrible.”

“Doubtful.”

“Ha!” Just wait. “If I had nights where I needed something more than what a vibrator could give me, I would go to a lesbian club. At the risk of sounding conceited, it was easy for me to find someone to, um, service me. It was quick and easy, and saved me from having to deal with the mess of dating.”

“Service you?” Oh, sure, Cass. Get stuck on that part.

“Cassidy. Do you really want me to spell it out?”

“Kinda.” Cass tapped her temple. “All kinds of thoughts going on here.”

Rebecca sighed. “They would go down on me. I didn’t reciprocate, and again, it wasn’t about sex for me. It was merely a way for me to get off quickly and painlessly.”

“Sounds very… boring.”

Rebecca barked out a laugh. “It wasn’t meant to be mind-blowing. I didn’t think that existed, actually, until I met you and you proved me wrong.”

Cass grinned. “You’re just trying to get my mind off of strange women going down on my girlfriend.”

“Is it working?”

“Fuck, yeah, it is. I want to blow your mind right now.”

“Yeah?” Rebecca undulated her hips, and kissed Cassidy deeply, nipping her lip before letting it go. “Do you want to go down on me?” she asked, her voice husky with need.

“Yes, Mistress,” Cass managed to whisper.

“Rebecca. Right now, I just want to be me with you. Is that okay?”

Cass peered deep into Rebecca’s eyes. “It’s perfect.” She easily lifted Rebecca from her lap. “Take your jeans off and sit on the couch, baby. Open yourself up to me.”

Fuck me.Rebecca was learning that Cassidy was great at many things. One of those things just happened to be turning Rebecca on so much that she wondered how her panties didn’t disintegrate from the heat coming from between her legs. She did as Cassidy asked, sitting at the edge of the couch, her legs opened wide enough to accommodate Cassidy. As much as she needed that mouth on her, Rebecca placed a hand on Cassidy’s shoulder while she could still think coherently.

“Perhaps we should get a couple of towels. You know what you do to me.”

Cass groaned. “You’re killing me, baby. You stay here, I’ll get them. Just tell me where to go.”

“Down the hall, third door on your left. Hurry, Cassidy.”

“I’m on it!”

Cass jumped up and did a speed walk down the hall, causing Rebecca to laugh. Something she’s done more of in the past week than she had her entire life. Being with Cassidy was the best of both worlds for Rebecca. She was young enough to keep Rebecca feeling youthful. But, as cliché as it sounded, Cassidy had an old soul. Rebecca knew there was a huge gap in their ages, but Cassidy never made her feel it.

“Cassidy?” Rebecca called out as she took the rest of her clothes off. Her lover should have been back by now. What the hell was she doing? Getting all of the towels she could find in the house?

“Coming, babe!”

“Not yet, but both of us will be soon,” Rebecca promised. Then all thoughts that didn’t involve an abundance of imaginative sex with Cass left her as the tall, beautifully muscled woman stood before her in all her naked glory. Unless you counted the dildo that stood proudly between her legs. “Oh,” Rebecca breathed.

Cassidy smirked. “Brought you those towels.” She got to her knees in front of an ogling Rebecca. “Lift that beautiful ass, baby.” She slid the towel into place when Rebecca lifted her hips. The scent of Rebecca’s arousal hit her nostrils and she was sure she would start drooling if she didn’t get a taste. Very soon. Even so, she took a moment to just appreciate the perfection that was Rebecca Cuinn. “You’re incredible, Rebecca.”

Rebecca’s pulse spiked, her arousal heightened, and her heart melted. Unable to trust her voice, she simply pulled Cassidy’s mouth down to her waiting sex.

They were both so ready for each other that Cass didn’t bother wasting time teasing Rebecca. She needed that sweet nectar that only Rebecca could give her like she needed breath. Rebecca’s hips jumped when Cass sucked in her hard, aroused clit. Knowing just what she liked, Cass used the tip of her tongue, flicking it across the velvety nub at a fast pace.

Rebecca’s hand fisted in Cassidy’s short hair. She didn’t know whether to pull her closer or push her away. That’s how intense Cassidy made her feel. No experience she had ever had even came close to this sensation. The hard, hot tip of Cassidy’s tongue worked its magic, sending shockwaves through Rebecca’s entire body.

“Cassidy!” Rebecca lifted her hips, deciding that pulling Cassidy closer was the right thing to do at this particular moment. Cassidy accommodated her by slipping her tongue deep inside her. Being filled with that hot, wet tongue, and having Cassidy’s nose hitting her in just the right spot had Rebecca hurtling towards that ultimate peak. She wondered if it would always astound her how fast Cassidy could bring her to orgasm.

“Cassidy, I’m coming!”

Cass moaned but didn’t let up on her assault. She was now alternating between sucking, fucking, and licking Rebecca’s glorious pussy. As Rebecca’s hips bucked, Cass became determined to make Rebecca forget there had ever been anyone else between these legs before. The way Cass forgot anyone before Rebecca. She knew Rebecca wanted to take things slow, but for Cass, life could now be described in two ways. Life before Rebecca and life after Rebecca.

Cass joyfully immersed herself in Rebecca’s explosive orgasm. Having that effect on someone like Rebecca was fulfilling a fantasy Cass didn’t even know she had. Yeah, she had always enjoyed sex. Who didn’t like getting off? But sex with Rebecca was a spiritual revelation. Every. Time.

“Jesus!” Rebecca panted. Thankfully, her couch was large enough that she could lay back and try to catch her breath.

Cass had other things in mind. And giving Rebecca time to get over that orgasm was not one of them. She wrapped her upper arms around the outside of Rebecca’s thighs, holding her steady as she thrust her hips forward. Hard.

Rebecca gasped. She was tight from the orgasm and when Cassidy slammed inside of her with the dildo, the feeling was profound. That bite of pain accompanied by the vivid pleasure of having Cassidy pumping inside her was almost more than Rebecca could bear. She sat up and wrapped her arms around her lover, holding her close as they moved together.

“Cassidy.” Rebecca kissed Cassidy passionately. It was moments like these that made her wish they could stay this way forever. Just lock out the rest of the world.

Cass broke away from the kiss, breathing hard. “Rebecca! Oh, fuck!” She drew out of Rebecca, then gripped the dildo and pulled it from herself. Her entire body shook from the violent orgasm that ripped through her. “Shit,” she exhaled. “That was… that.”

Rebecca chuckled. “Yes, it was. Are you okay?”

Cass looked up at Rebecca and grinned. “Never been better. Probably should have brought more towels, though. Sorry about that.”

“I’m not.” Rebecca reached down, dragging her finger through Cassidy’s wealth of wetness. She brought that glistening finger up to her lips, licking it clean. “Now I know why you always look so proud after that happens to me,” she winked.

“Well, now that we’ve christened this room, what do you say about moving on to others?” Cass suggested with a sly smile.

Rebecca actually squealed when Cassidy flung her over her shoulder and headed for the kitchen.

“I have a bed!” Rebecca laughed.

“Great! That’ll be awesome for when we’re ready to sleep. The real question is; do you have whipped cream in the fridge?”