My Ten-Year Crush by Olivia Spring
Chapter Thirty-One
Like most people, Monday mornings weren’t my favourite, but this morning stung more than usual. I was desperately trying to be positive and force myself out of bed to seize the day and get on with my life. I really wanted to do all the things that I’d advise my friends to do if they asked for advice on getting over a break-up, but it just wasn’t working. I knew I’d feel better after having a shower, so why did climbing off my mattress feel harder than lifting fifty-tonne weights? It was as if my mind and body were being controlled by two different people.
I stared at the ceiling and thought about how much had changed. This time last week I’d been so happy. I’d been filled with joy and hope. The world had been my oyster. Today, though, I felt pure sadness. Despite finishing my course, which was a goal I’d had for so long, I wasn’t feeling the euphoria that I’d hoped for. Just sorrow, which quickly turned into frustration. How could I allow my feelings for a man to bring my mood down so much? I knew I should be stronger, but right now, I didn’t know how to be.
I’d thought that with every day that passed it would get easier. That the pain would become more bearable. But if anything, it became worse.
After I’d sent Mike that message on Saturday saying I never wanted to see him again, he’d stopped texting. Which was what I’d asked him to do. Repeatedly. But now he had, I missed him. My chest ached, constantly. My stomach was in knots and I just felt… empty. It was similar to the vacant feeling I’d had for all those years, but more intense. I felt off balance. It was like Mike had become part of my life, and now he was gone, there was a giant hole.
My cheeks suddenly felt damp. I rubbed the back of my hand over them. I’d been crying and I hadn’t even realised it. The reality finally hit me. This was it. No more Mike. Ever again. No more seeing his smile. No more hearing his laugh. No more eating burgers together, bingeing on episodes of Friends. No more walks by the river. No more feeling his soft lips or being wrapped in his arms. Just emptiness. Day after day. Forever.
My phone rang. I instantly jumped up and grabbed it from my bedside table, praying that it was Mike. That he’d ignored my stupid requests to leave me alone and was calling to declare his love for me. I glanced at the screen, my heart beating faster, but it wasn’t him. I quickly wiped my tears and took a deep breath.
‘Hey,’ I said, hoping that I didn’t sound like I’d just woken up or like a blubbering mess. It was Sophia.
‘How you doing?’ Her using those words instantly reminded me of Joey’s famous saying in Friends, and thinking about Friends of course reminded me of Mike. Was this how it was always going to be? Constantly thinking of him every minute of every day, wherever I went and whoever I spoke to? This was unbearable.
‘Um, to be totally honest, not great.’
‘I can only imagine how shitty you must be feeling right now. I wish I could just come round and give you a big hug.’
‘Thanks, hon. How’s it going over there?’ Sophia was away on a press trip in Paris.
‘Full-on, but it’s going well. Anyway, I’m calling with some good news, which I hope will help cheer you up a little. Remember you said you wanted to get some business English teaching experience to add to your CV?’
‘Yeah…’ Mike reminder number three million and one popped in my head as I remembered it was him who’d recommended I ask Sophia.
‘Well, before I left, I had a nail emergency and I popped into a local salon to fix it. Normally I only ever go to my clients to get a manicure, but I couldn’t go away on a trip with a bunch of top beauty journalists with chipped nails. Anyway, I was speaking to the owner, and she said her staff found it difficult to chat with the customers because their English wasn’t great, so I asked if she’d be interested in someone coming in to help them and she thought it was a great idea. I told her all about how amazing you are and she just texted to say she’d love it if you could come and see her on Thursday morning to discuss it. What do you think?’
‘Oh my God, Soph! That would be amazing! Thank you!’
‘Awww! So good to hear a bit of happiness in your voice.’
I started to feel a bit tearful again. Thankfully this time, they were tears of gratitude. How was I so lucky? To have such good friends to look out for me and help me like this. I was so used to being the one to step in and help others. I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t used to asking for help myself. Somehow I just always felt like I should have everything figured out and do it on my own. But Sophia’s kindness, first with signing me up for the course and now with this, had taught me that amazing things can happen when you open yourself up and let others support you.
‘I’m so grateful. I really appreciate you thinking of me.’
‘Of course! What are besties for? So… have you had any more thoughts about talking to Mike?’
‘It’s difficult.’ I paused. ‘I want to, but… I don’t know. He really hurt me.’
‘I get that. He must have a reason for not telling you. I reckon he’s a good guy. Think about hearing him out…’
The knots in my stomach tightened. Had I made a mistake by pushing him away without giving him a chance to explain?
‘Maybe…’
‘I’m really sorry, but I have to get back to these journalists. I’ll message later to check on you and to send the details for Thursday, okay?’
‘Okay, thanks again, and have fun!’
‘Press trips aren’t as glamorous or as exciting as they sound, but I’ll try!’
We both hung up.
I felt my shoulders loosen a little. I was just saying earlier how quickly life could change, and look: fifteen minutes ago I was lying on the bed, feeling sorry for myself. Now a great opportunity had been offered to me. Suddenly there was hope. When it came to my career, anyway. I had a lot to be thankful for. It was bittersweet, though.
Under normal circumstances, I would have called Mike to share my excitement. I was one step closer to achieving my dream career one day and he was the first person I wanted to tell. But yet I couldn’t, because we weren’t speaking.
I hated this.
It was like something was missing. Like pizza with no cheese or a burger with no ketchup. Thinking of food made my stomach rumble and reminded me of the last burger I’d eaten, which of course was with Mike, when we’d gone for a walk by the river…
I really, really needed to stop thinking about him.
Some food and a shower would help. I was about to go in the kitchen when my phone chimed again. As much as I tried not to, I felt myself holding my breath as I glanced at the screen. It wasn’t Mike, but I instantly knew the message was about him when I saw who it was from.
Melody
Mike told me what happened…
Melody
Such a shame that he’s pissing off to Vietnam. I swear I didn’t know, B. He should’ve told you.
Melody
He said you don’t want to speak to or see him again. I know you must be cheesed off, but I still think you should hear him out and try and find a way to make it work.
Melody
You and Mike were apart for ten bloody years. And I know you didn’t find anyone in that time that even remotely compared to him. Trust me, as you get older it’s even harder to find a decent bloke.
Melody
I know he screwed up, but Mike is your soul mate. You’ve been given a second chance to be together. DON’T WASTE IT!!!
Melody
Considering you’re both English teachers, you two are bloody awful at communicating!
Melody
If I set something up, would you meet him?
I picked up my phone, walked to the living room, sat down on the sofa and tried to process everything Melody had said in her string of texts. One day I should ask her why she always sent so many instead of putting everything into just one. Maybe it was because she wanted to use up as much of her free text messages allowance as possible.
In the grand scheme of things, I knew it didn’t matter. I was just stalling. Thinking of something trivial to avoid focusing on what she’d said and the question she’d just asked me. I read her last text again:
If I set something up, would you meet him?
Would I?
As if sensing that I was mulling over her question, she sent another text. As I read it, I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.
Melody
Remember, Mike is leaving in JUST FOUR DAYS… and HE’LL BE GONE FOR A YEAR. A WHOLE TWELVE MONTHS. MINIMUM!! Are you really okay with him moving to the other side of the world without at least hearing why he didn’t tell you or without saying goodbye?
A year?
Made sense he’d be gone for that long. Lots of overseas teaching posts were for that length. I just… I just hadn’t known for sure. Because he hadn’t told me. And I hadn’t stopped to listen so he could explain.
Four days.
Mike would have left by the end of the week. We’d just found each other after a decade apart and now I was about to lose him all over again.
My chest tightened and I could have sworn there were a thousand leeches inside my body, sucking every drop of blood and draining away my energy. My head spun. I picked up my phone and started typing.
Me
No. The truth is, I wouldn’t be happy to leave things like this. I’ll give him a chance to explain. I’ll meet him. Tomorrow evening.
I knew hearing why he’d deliberately done something that he’d known would hurt me would be difficult. Seeing him again and knowing it was for the last time would feel like being stabbed in the heart. But I also knew the alternative was much worse.
I’d already spent a decade not knowing why he’d walked out that night, and it had eaten away at me for years. I couldn’t repeat my mistake. That night when he’d left that mysterious note, I’d said I wanted to find out the full story, and I wasn’t going to bury my head in the sand. So if this was really going to be it and he wasn’t going to be in my life ever again, I needed to know why.
Tomorrow was going to be a big day. Meeting Mike could destroy me emotionally. It was going to be tough, but someway, somehow, I had to find a way to be ready for it.