My Ten-Year Crush by Olivia Spring

Chapter Thirty-Two

It was fast approaching five o’clock and I was on my way to see Mike.

Melody had arranged for us to meet in front of the London Eye at five-thirty. I was pleased that it was somewhere neutral.

Once again, my stomach was in knots. I couldn’t remember a time over the past five days that it hadn’t been.

I’d imagined a million different scenarios of how things could go, ranging from me running off in tears, to managing to hold it together and agreeing we could remain friends and meet up when he returned to the UK. But deep down, I knew that wouldn’t be an option. Seeing him again would only dredge up all the emotions that I would have inevitably spent months trying to suppress.

I knew today would be goodbye. It was the only way I could truly move on with my life. But at least hearing him out meant I’d be able to do it at peace. Without wondering every day why he’d done what he had.

I quickly replied to the texts Sophia and Cassie had sent wishing me luck and an aggressive one written entirely in CAPS from Melody checking I was on my way.

I stepped out of the station and the warm summer air hit my skin. It was a hot day in London. I was glad I’d allowed extra time to walk to our meeting point so I wouldn’t arrive dripping in sweat.

I’d thought I was nervous before, but when I saw Mike striding towards me, my stomach went into overdrive. The knots unravelled and transformed into a million butterflies fluttering around at high speed, and my heart thudded so strongly it threatened to burst from my chest.

He was a vision.

Mike had the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up, exposing his gorgeous forearms, and his confident walk just oozed sex appeal. As he got closer, I saw the corner of his mouth twitch and I hoped he was going to burst into the full-blown smile I loved, but instead, his face tightened.

‘Hi,’ he said cautiously.

Oh.No big bear hug either. To be expected, but I’d do anything for one of his huge cuddles right now.

‘Hey,’ I said quietly.

‘Thanks for meeting me. Would you like to find somewhere to sit, stand or just walk? It’s up to you.’

‘Don’t mind.’ I shrugged my shoulders.

‘Let’s sit over there for a bit.’ He gestured towards the bench opposite the river. ‘So, I’ve gone over and over what I wanted to say to try and find the perfect words to justify my actions, but I keep drawing a blank. I know you’ve probably come here hoping for some grand explanation, but I can’t lie to you, Bells. The truth is, there really is no valid excuse. I’m a dick and I messed up. Big time.’

‘What? That’s it?’ I frowned. I didn’t really know what I was expecting him to say, but it was definitely a lot more than that.

‘Pretty much. At the reunion, I was so happy to see you again and I genuinely wanted to meet up so we could chat, but after you didn’t reply to my text, I just thought it wasn’t mutual. But when you turned up in my class, I thought it must be fate and then… after we started spending more time together, all of my feelings for you came flooding back. Well, I don’t think they ever really went away. And then when I realised you felt the same, I saw that we had a chance and I took it.’

Mike sighed and shuffled in his seat. Once he’d composed himself, he started talking again.

‘I’d liked you for, what, thirteen years and then suddenly you were there in front of me, and I know it’s lame, but I couldn’t help myself. For once we were both single, we both wanted to be together. It felt right. So I went for it. Obviously I accepted the job long before we reconnected, and I did try to tell you about it before we slept together, but you said we shouldn’t overthink things or waste our second chance to share something special, so I kept quiet.’

‘So you’re blaming me?’

‘No!’ He shook his head. ‘Not at all. I’m just telling you what happened. I tried, but I know I should’ve tried harder and not been so fucking selfish. I’d waited so long for that moment and I didn’t want to ruin it. The more time passed and the better things became between us, the harder it got to tell the truth and the more reasons I found to convince myself that telling you wasn’t a good idea. Like, if I told you, you might be upset and you wouldn’t focus as well on the course, so it’d be better to wait until afterwards, which was true. I really wanted you to do brilliantly. I just… I’m sorry.’

Mike was staring me straight in the eyes and I knew he was genuine. I was surprised by his honesty. He could’ve made up a load of excuses or an elaborate story, but he hadn’t. I could tell he was speaking from the heart.

I tried to process how I was feeling and what I thought about what he’d said. I took my mind back to that time at my flat when things had happened. I did remember him saying he needed to tell me something, and he was right: I had dismissed it. Just like him, I’d waited so long for that moment and I hadn’t wanted anything to get in the way.

If Mike had told me he was leaving at that point, would it have changed anything? If I was being truthful, I didn’t think so. I probably would’ve convinced myself that we’d just do the deed, I’d get over it and wouldn’t catch feelings. That I’d be fine and we wouldn’t do it again. But it was obvious that after one fix of Mike, he would be impossible to resist. So in a way, us sleeping together was inevitable.

Yes, I’d said we should focus on living in the moment, but that was that particular day. I knew there would’ve been no right time to break the news, but he could have tried.

By not telling me, Mike removed my opportunity to make an informed decision. If I’d known soon after we’d first got together, maybe it might have been less painful. I could’ve better protected my heart. Prepared myself mentally.

I wouldn’t have started planning our future together or taken the emotional leap of convincing myself to believe in love again.

And I definitely wouldn’t have told my mum that things were serious between us. She’d called practically every day since, asking when we’d both be coming round for dinner. I just hadn’t had the energy to break the news to her that it was just a fling. For Mike anyway.

I could just hear Dad now saying ‘I told you so’. I hated that he’d been right about things with Mike not ending well.

‘I understand why it was difficult to talk about leaving. We were both swept away in the moment. But you really hurt me.’

‘I know.’ Mike hung his head. ‘I should have acted better. Especially after what went on between us before. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I put off telling you until I could work it out. I have to be honest with you again, though, Bella: I’m really sorry that I hurt you, but I’m not sorry that things happened between us. I’ve travelled all over the world a lot over the past decade. Seen amazing things, met many different people and had some incredible experiences, and yet the time we’ve spent together over the past month has hands down included the best moments of my life.’

Pow.

His words hit me straight in the gut. I wasn’t expecting him to say that at all. The thing was, I felt exactly the same. Those precious four weeks with Mike were pure happiness. Everything had been so effortless, fun and just wonderful. Although we hadn’t done anything crazy, like go sky-diving, the time we’d spent together doing simple things had given me the biggest rush of adrenaline and joy. Never had I felt so alive and whole.

‘I enjoyed my time with you too, I’m sure you know that, but you deceived me, Mike. You made me feel like we had a future. Together. I told you this was it for me. And you made me think that we were both on the same page. That you were ready to commit to something long-term.’

‘I am!’ He took my hands in his. I didn’t resist. My brain was too busy whirring, trying to process what he’d just said. It didn’t make sense. ‘This doesn’t have to be the end. I’ve thought about it a lot—especially last Thursday night. That’s why I left so abruptly. Watching that episode of Friends reminded me that I couldn’t delay telling you any longer. I got scared. I didn’t want to lose you like the scientist guy lost Phoebe. I know it was bad for me to go whilst you were talking to your mum, but if I stayed or if we spoke later on the phone, I knew you’d be able to tell there was something wrong. And if I was going to drop a bombshell, I needed to at least have some options to offer you. And now I do.We can still make it work.’

‘How?’ I pulled away and folded my arms.

‘We have options. For example, we could have a long-distance relationship…’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Look at what happened with Lance and me.’ If I couldn’t make a long-distance relationship work when I was in the same country as a guy, how would it survive when my boyfriend was on the other side of the world?

‘That’s ridiculous. You can’t compare what we have to your relationship with Lance. That’s like me comparing you to Rebecca. There’s no contest.’

He had a point, but I just didn’t see that working. Although we’d known each other for a long time, our relationship or whatever this was was still too new. I couldn’t see how it could survive something that challenging at such an early stage.

Knowing Mike like I did also felt like part of the problem. I knew he said that he’d changed, and I admit, when I was with him, it really seemed like he had. But I was still worried about whether he’d be able to commit or if he’d get bored after a few months and want to seize the day with someone else. It was too risky. And we’d both be miserable apart.

‘Is that really how you want to spend the next twelve months? Being sad? Missing each other? Talking on the phone or through a computer screen on Skype? Wishing away our lives as we count down the days until we see each other again?’

Just thinking about it made me feel ill. I pictured a calendar on my wall, marked with rows of X’s as I desperately crossed off the dates like an inmate waiting to be released from prison.

And after those twelve months, what then? What if it didn’t work? We would’ve wasted another year of our lives. I wanted to settle down and start a family soon, with someone who was truly committed and preferably lived in the same country as me. I didn’t have time to waste.

‘If that’s what it takes!’ Mike nodded. ‘But look, if long-distance doesn’t suit you, then like I said, we have options. I could just stay here and find someone else to take my place.’

‘Absolutely not!’ I shouted. ‘I already told you my thoughts on that sort of thing when we watched that episode of Friends.’ On reflection, maybe I was overly harsh. Maybe, like Mike, the scientist guy was happy to pass up on the job for love and wouldn’t feel resentful either, but it just didn’t seem right. ‘I don’t know what this job is, but it must be something good, so I’m not having you give that up for me.’

‘It’s a director of studies role at a really great school in Vietnam, and even though, yes, it is a good opportunity, I’d turn it down if you wanted me to. There’ll be other jobs.’

‘Nope. Like I thought, it’s not just an ordinary teaching job. That sounds like a big deal. A management role that will give you a lot of responsibility and new challenges. I’m guessing it’s an opportunity you’ve probably wanted to be offered for a while.’

‘Yeah, but like I said, something else will come up in the future. There is one other option…’ He paused as if he was considering whether or not to say what was on his mind. ‘How would you feel about coming with me?’

‘What?’ I shouted.

‘Come with me: to Vietnam. That way we’ll be together every day.’

‘That’s ridiculous!’ I blinked quickly several times. He couldn’t be serious. That was even crazier than the long-distance suggestion.

‘Why? If you ask me, it’s the most logical solution. Your goal is to teach English as a second language. Having your PEFLITC definitely helps, but without more long-term, specific experience, it’ll be harder to find jobs in London. So what better place to get it than in Vietnam? I have a lot of contacts there, so I’m sure I can help you find a job teaching kids.’

There were so many things wrong with his suggestion that I didn’t even know where to start.

‘I can’t just hop on a plane to Vietnam hoping that I’ll find a job. I’ve got responsibilities here. A mortgage and a steady job with a steady income that I can’t just give up on a whim.’ I wiped my forehead. Just thinking about all this was making me sweat. ‘That’s why it’s better for me to think about it next year, when I’ve had more time to plan. By then hopefully I’ll know if I’m going to be promoted too.’

‘I hate to break it to you, but a promotion, whether it’s in a few months or a few years, won’t help. Staying there, working under your dad, isn’t right for you. You don’t enjoy your job, and taking on more responsibility isn’t the solution. Plus you know how it is in schools like that. Once people get promoted, they end up hogging that role for years. It could be ages before another opportunity comes up. Your dad is probably just dangling the carrot to make you stay. He doesn’t think you’ll ever leave. He thinks he can keep you there forever. Don’t let him. Show him you’re strong by following your dreams, on your terms.’

If I was being honest, I knew there was an element of truth in what Mike said. This past month, I’d felt so alive in the classroom. And I’d really enjoyed the challenge of teaching overseas students. It did feel like a better fit for me, so I’d definitely pursue it in the future. But not yet. It was too soon.

‘And anyway’—I waved my hand—‘when I do decide to pursue that path, I’d prefer to teach adults, so that’s the kind of experience that I’d need. I’ve spent years teaching kids, and whilst most of them are lovely, it’s very challenging. If I’m going to change jobs, I’d like to teach people who want to be there.’

‘But that’s the great thing about Vietnam, Bells! Teachers there are really well respected, and the students want to learn. It will be completely different to what you’re used to. Trust me. Yes, you’d need to teach children first, but once you’d built up your experience, there’d be more opportunities to teach adults. And of course, if you don’t feel comfortable just hopping on a plane, I can just let you know of any jobs when they come up, then you can apply or just come over. We can make it work.’

It was good to hear that teachers were held in higher esteem there, but no. It still wasn’t feasible. I would have to give notice. If Mike suddenly found me a job during term time, I couldn’t just up and leave. That would be too disruptive to my pupils.

And going to Vietnam wasn’t part of the plan. All my research so far had focused on China. I didn’t know the first thing about Vietnam. I’d have to start my groundwork all over again.

Then of course I’d need to sort out my flat. It would have to be rented. Which would involve giving it a fresh lick of paint or redecorating to maximise the rental value. I needed to cover as much of my mortgage as possible.

After that, I’d have to invite several estate agents round for valuations and choose which one to go with. They’d then need time to put it on the market, conduct viewings—who knew how long it would take to find a suitable tenant? That alone could take months. Which was exactly why teaching abroad in the next year or two was a more logical option. I could only go once I had all of my ducks in a row.

‘I can’t just up sticks and fly over whenever a job comes up. I’m not a student anymore, Mike. I need time to rent my flat, give a whole term’s notice, build up my savings…’ God, I’d forgotten about increasing my contingency fund. I needed to have enough in the bank not to worry if things didn’t work out and I couldn’t find a job straight away. My chest tightened. ‘These things need to be planned sensibly.’

‘Bells…’ Mike stroked my cheek, making my whole body tingle. I swear, what with all the stress and my brain spinning at a hundred miles an hour, I didn’t think I could take much more before I passed out. ‘I can see you’re freaking out, so I’m not going to push it. All I’m saying is to think about it. It’s not as crazy as it seems. I know you’re a lot more sensible and logical than I am. That’s what makes you you. And I respect that. But sometimes, in order to grow, we have to step outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we can’t wait for everything to be perfect or plan everything so far in advance. We have to take chances. Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.’ He hung his head. ‘I know that better than anyone. Why wait to leave your job? Why not hand in your notice now?’

I understood what Mike was saying. The circumstances surrounding what had happened to his friends had given him a different perspective on life, and because of that, for as long as I’d known him, he’d always been a risk taker. He’d never committed long-term to a job or home or anything. He didn’t know any other way. But my idea of stepping out of my comfort zone was trying Peri-Peri chips at Nando’s rather than the standard fries or choosing extra hot sauce for my chicken instead of hot. I didn’t gamble with things like my career, my home or my future.

‘Sophia’s lined up a potential business English opportunity for me. I’m going to see the lady on Thursday.’

‘That’s fantastic!’ Mike’s eyes sparkled. He threw his arms around me and squeezed tight.

Oh, how I’d missed this. Breathing in his scent, the sensation of his heart vibrating against my chest, the firmness of his shoulder as my head rested on it. This felt like home.

After a couple of minutes I pulled away. I was enjoying it too much. I needed to start getting used to us being apart. Mike holding me was making that more difficult.

‘Thank you.’ I smiled faintly. I knew he’d be happy for me. Even if it meant me staying here, Mike was always supportive. ‘Although I’m starting at the bottom of the ladder and it’ll be harder, it’s still possible to get some experience in London to add to my CV and still have the security of a full-time job. It makes sense to stay here, plan, then go when the time is right.’

‘I’m happy for you. I really am. I just… I meant what I said before. This wasn’t a fling for me. I do want things to work between us. I’m ready to go all in: with you. So all I ask is that you think about it. I’m leaving on Friday. I hope that I’ll see you again and we can be together, but I just need you to know that I love you. I know I’ve never said it out loud to you before, but I really, really do. I always have, and whatever you decide, know that I always will.’ He kissed me gently on the lips. ‘Bye, Bells.’

As Mike released my hands and walked away, I melted.

He loves me.

Mike had finally said those three big words.

I felt the same. With all of my heart.

I brought my fingers to my mouth, reliving the feeling of his soft lips pressed against mine. I wished I could kiss Mike every day. Wake up beside him in the morning and go to bed with him next to me every single night.

But how?

It seemed impossible.

If I left, we’d be together, but I’d risk losing my flat, my stability and my income. So basically I’d be giving up my whole life on a whim. Crossing my fingers that things worked out.

But if I stayed, I’d have a job and the opportunity to pursue my dream career in the future, but no Mike. I’d feel empty all over again.

My whole life and future hung in the balance. And I had no idea what to do about it.