Vicious Desire by Leslie V. Walker

Chapter Five

Ayanna

“Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” I yell.

“I never said that!” Brendan protests moving closer to where I stand.

I back away not wanting to be near him right now. Bile rises up in my stomach and I’m disgusted to even be around him. I’m so embarrassed and humiliated.

“I took it down.” My eyes widen and I point at him telling him how he just admitted guilt.

He shakes his head, quickly moving his hand in front of him denying yet again the accusation I’ve been throwing at him since I woke up. It’s not just me though. Everyone else also believes he did it. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He had the perfect opportunity to do it. I can’t really blame him when it was my stupid self’s fault for letting it happen.

“I didn’t do it, though. I fucking promise.” I avoid eye contact. I can’t look at him right now. God, how the hell am I going to explain this to my parents? He said he took it down but how can I trust it’s not still out there?

I can’t.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him or any part of him.

“I know people like you, Brendan. I am a daughter to someone like you.”

“Let me explain.” He tries to put his hands on my shoulders, but I shove him away feeling all the anger coming out. I can see people standing outside of my cabin wanting to what’s going on.

Everyone in this fucking town is batshit crazy.

“I don’t know what you expected to change after last night. But just to reassure you, I will never ever in this fucking life, or another life love a fucking monster like you!” I regret the words once they leave my lips.

The look in his eyes causes my throat to dry. I see everything in them. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow.

I feel last night.

We’ve never fully spoken until then. There was always just tension between us. But yesterday being with him it felt different. Life felt different as we both had opened up to one another. It was as if we were meant to be there together.

How foolish of me to think so much of him.

Because one thing is for sure about Brendan Carter.

He doesn’t care for anyone but himself.

“He said it was for your grandma.”

“He’s never met my grandma!” I yell through the phone at Jason who I called straight after school to confront him about giving my phone number away.

I couldn’t see him anymore today, but I know he always has ten minutes before track to do as he pleases. So, I decided on wasting his time by yelling at him.

I’m a wonderful friend.

“How the hell was I supposed to know?” Jason responds with no ounce of care in the world. He doesn’t give a fuck what he’s done, and I bet he gave him my number with a big smile fully aware of Brendan’s intentions.

“You know I hate him. I’ve never spoken to him. How was it not a clue he’s never met my grandmother so you should not give him my number!” I whisper yell walking into the library where I’m supposed to meet up with a freshman to tutor.

A few people linger around in private rooms to take in study sessions while the librarian watches Netflix secretly on her laptop. Other than that, it’s empty.

I head to the clock on the counter to clock in for my tutor shift. “You women are so fucking confusing. I thought your hatred toward one another was a sign you both loved each other or wanted to fuck each other’s brains out.”

I shiver at his words. Gross. Never.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more insulted in my life.”

“Hey, in my defense you both look at each other as if there’s no one else in the world and you’d like to bang each other in the middle of the hall.”

“Oh my god! Jason, do you hear yourself?!” I yell too loud, and the librarian sends a glare my way. I mutter a sorry before focusing my attention back on my so-called friend.

“Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you haven’t thought about him after all these years or over the past hours since you’ve last interacted.” I think about his words as a reminder of not only how Brendan feels on top of me but what he revealed to me summer night.

A part of me over the years wanted to reach out to him and see if he was okay. He told me things he never told anyone. And I wanted to know how it was going.

Losing your parents in a plane crash must not have been great. Particularly, at a young age. It was all over the news when it happened. I remember that day almost every day and wonder if there’s something else, I’m missing.

Have I felt something over the past few days? Yes.

A series of emotions have me confused.

Having him close again felt like I can be myself and don’t have to live under the facade of the perfect child for my dad.

Little Miss Perfect,he calls me.

If only he knew every time, he called me that name it made my insides twist, and a scream gets lodged in my throat. How those three words make me feel weak and pathetic.

After years of living with a dad like mine, you’d think I can master being affected by his cruelty. But instead, I get weaker and feel like a puppet in my own life.

It’s not living.

Living is that summer night with Brendan Carter, where there were no cares in the world.

A tear leaves me, and I quickly wipe it away angry at myself for crying. Dad said crying is for babies and pathetic women.

He always does the exact same thing, insults women. And it just built onto the reasons why I hate him.

“I got to go. Tutoring session. See you after.” I quickly hang up and shove my phone into my back pocket.

Breathing in a deep sigh I repeat the words to make me calm myself.

You got this, Ayanna. Don’t cry. Pull yourself together before someone sees you. Don’t break.

Opening my eyes, I put on a big smile turning around to head over to the back where I’m set to meet up with the person I’ll be tutoring.

As I walk to the back, I take in the high stacks of books, antique and brand new. The first time I stepped foot in here I tried looking for paranormal romance or serial killer books and some Stephen King. To my disappointment, this school didn’t allow any of those genres and only had real life shit.

Whatever the hell that means, I wasn’t up for it. It was why I completely disowned this library and only stepped foot in it if it was necessary.

Tutoring is one of those things. It’s something I don’t like to do. But my dad says it looks good on my applications and if I didn’t do it, he would force me in his own way. I learned quickly to just do as he said so the scene wouldn’t get messy. I never saw him complete his threat to Mom or me but there was still fear lingering. One I wouldn’t allow him to see.

If I had the option to just sit home and watch TV or be able to go off to random places and meet new people, I would. I love the taste of danger and ecstasy at the tip of my tongue.

Coming into view of the freshman I’ll be helping today, I stop where I am. Is there still time to run?

As if hearing my thoughts, the girl with pink and blonde hair turns around with a bright smile. “I was wondering when you’d get here. I thought you’d ditch on me.”

Lillie Carter, Brendan Carter’s sister, stands in front of me with a hand perched on her hip and her other hand helping her lean against the table. She wears a white creamy dress that makes her light pale skin and blue eyes pop out. She’s the complete opposite of her brother. Physically and personality wise.

You wouldn’t know those two were related if it wasn’t for Brendan yelling it out to the world every time someone tried to get close to her. From what I’ve seen she had one best friend, Nina. Who’s a sophomore and also happens to be another one of my friends.

I had never really met Lillie but we both clearly knew who we both were. The whole town does.

A thought hits me and I square my shoulders on high alert if this is just another one of Brendan’s games. He wouldn’t actually make his sister help him. No. He loves her too much I’m pretty sure he tells her little white lies. Yet in this town, he and his friends are the talk.

Everyone knew who ruled this town. And it just so happened to be the one guy who despises me.

“Sorry, got held up.” I point behind me as if it told her anything.

She shakes her head. “It’s fine. Let’s just get this over with. I’m tired and want to go home. My brother is the one who forced me to do this. He was in an overprotective brother mode saying how you’re one of the best tutors and all the other shit I tuned out.”

The corner of my mouth lifts up in a small smile. Yeah, she’s better than her brother.

“Still annoying as ever, I see.” I toss my bag onto the table taking the seat next to her.

“Tell me about it. He doesn’t leave me alone. I mean I get it he gets worried and everything, but damn. I can’t go anywhere without telling him.” She crosses her legs taking her phone that laid in the middle of her book and starts typing away with a smile on her face.

“Boyfriend?” I ask wanting to know more about Brendan’s sister. I’m not sure why but I have a feeling she likes to run with danger, and it gets me more excited.

She looks up from her phone turning it off. “A friend. She was wondering if I was coming over later today.”

“Seems fun.”

“I guess. Though a boyfriend would be nice, but Brendan would never approve of him.”

“Who?” I take out my notebook followed by an algebra textbook.

“Someone. He doesn’t really notice me though. Only when it’s convenient to him.” Her eyes cast down to her lap before she lifts her head up with a smile.

“So, me and my friend have been trying to figure a way––Sort of. Sometimes, I feel like she just uses me because I’m Brendan’s little sister. Oh well.” She shrugs before changing the conversation back to what we’re here for.

Once I have all the things, I need settled in front of me, she pushes herself closer to the table groaning. “I swear I’m going to murder myself. We don’t need algebra.”

I ignore her and start to focus my attention on helping her learn more.

Time moves on and before I know it, I’m quizzing her on solving quadratics and graphing functions. “You already said that. The answer is no. Try again.”

I run my fingers back and forth through the spines of books.

“I don’t know! I don’t need this. I’m never going to learn.”

“You have gotten all the other questions correct so far. Come on, this is the last one.” I turn around making my way back the other way enjoying the feel of the bended rough spines. Most readers hate it when people bend their books spine too much. But I find bending the spine to be the best part of the experience. It is a story unto itself.

One where you’re the writer and the book is your own personal journey of growth.

“It’s not fair. Ever since he came back from summer camp four years ago, he’s been a totally different person. He’s still kind and all but it’s as if somebody completely broke his heart.” My hand gets caught in a book sending a pile falling to the ground.

My heart races and I turn back to Lillie who’s staring off in the distance. Her eyes filled with sadness. I don’t know exactly what happened that night or what’s going on. Nor do I think I’m completely well enough to know.

“How about we stop right here for today. You got the rest of the questions correct. Your brain must be in overdrive,” I tell her heading back to fix my belongings. The library is about to close anyway.

“Tell me about it.” She starts to gather her belongings stuffing everything into her bag.

“Just remember to sign out and indicate I was your tutor.”

“You know for whatever its worth, I don’t think you’re a bitch like my brother does.” I freeze what I’m doing turning around watching as she retrieves her phone from her bag.

Scratch that—one thing they have in common is how openly honest they both are.

And who the fuck is Brendan to call me a bitch? The audacity.

After packing everything, I go to grab the stuff I dropped in the floor and put it back where it was.

My eyes catch a glimpse of the heading of a newspaper attached in front of a yearbook and other town documents. Must have been put here for towns history.

Ramona and Luther Carter Have Both Been Pronounced Dead After Jet Crash!

I’ve never seen this before. After the crash there was barely any newspaper articles about it. It was as if someone wanted the news to disappear. I pick up the next two and skim through the paper as well.

A Student Was Found Dead After a Horrible Halloween Party Gone Wrong.

After Settling an Agreement, Seems Eastview and Westview Are Back To Being Rivals.

Just under the title is a picture of people I know as young adults instead of parents. And in the photo, I see not only Brendan’s parents but also Gunner, Rocco, Zane’s, and mine.

What is this?

“Ma’am the library is closing.” I take a look around me and see everyone heading out.

“Thank you.” I head back to my bag, taking a look around me. There’s something weird about this. I don’t want anyone to know I checked this out so instead I stuff them all the way in the back of the library and make a mental note to come back to it once I have time.

After exiting the building, I go to the field to wait for Jason to take me home.

“I fucking told you how it was supposed to be! How the fuck is it possible for women not to get shit right!”

My dad screaming at my mom is the first thing I hear once I step foot inside my house. The only place I feel like home inside this place is my room. Everywhere else he taints with his presence.

I’ve always been a daddy’s girl growing up. I always wanted a father who’d be there for me in every step of the way. I had this idea of him in my mind. And it felt like it was true. Until one day a switch just flipped, and I was left with only my mother.

Not that she wasn’t everything I could ask for, but due to my father always coming after her she left me alone so he wouldn’t fully focus on me, as if anything could stop him.

Once my presence is known, my dad turns to me, eyes red. Probably the bottle of whiskey he drowns in every chance he gets when he’s not working. Usually at night, but I guess today he decided it would be great to hit it in the morning.

“Ayanna, thank fuck you showed up. What took you so long?” I don’t tell him he’s the one who told me to tutor in the first place and instead of a smart ass comment I choose a cleaner nicer one.

“I had a tutoring sessi—” My dad completely cuts me off.

“Go to your room. Get some studying done. I contacted your English teacher to see if she finished grading the essay and she said you got a ninety-four. That’s fucking unacceptable. So, she allowed you to do a new one. Due tomorrow. Completely new topic. I want to see it and every other bit of work you have done before you go off to bed.”

I open my mouth to protest but when I look at my mother, she shakes her head. Telling me silently to not protest. I clench my fists together. Lately the urge to punch something has grown stronger and stronger each second.

With a stiff nod I decide to listen. Like a puppet I head upstairs to my room ignoring the bare walls that resembles a prison cell.

There’s absolutely no way I can finish a brand-new essay today and the homework I got assigned.

Just a few more months.

I remind myself. Just a few more months and then I can leave. Then I can start over and actually truly live.

Just a few more months.