Big Boy by Skyler Snow
"We'll give you a call.Thank you, Carter."
I shook the man's hand across the table and smiled right back at him. "Looking forward to it."
Once I exited the office, I blew out a long breath. Well, that interview hadn't been so bad. It was another data entry position, a job that I knew well. And while it wasn't what I wanted to do anymore, I was getting desperate for a job. My savings account was dwindling by the day and if I didn't find something soon what the hell was I going to do?
I tried to stave off the worry. Samuel had been over my house every night for the past week and he really knew how to make the fear and anxiety quiet in the evenings. But during the day, when I wasn't at the gym for my session, I was on my own. That was when the thoughts crept in making me doubt myself and worry about what was in my future.
My stomach growled. I thought about going home and getting into the lunch that Samuel had made for me. Mediterranean wraps with sweet potato fries and Tzatziki sauce. It was one of my favorite meals so far and I had requested it two days in a row.
As I started up my car, I immediately stopped when something buzzed against my thigh. I yanked out my phone expecting to see Samuel's name or Daddy as he was logged in to my phone. What I saw however was Mom.
I sighed. No matter how many times I refused to take her calls or answer her texts, she insisted on contacting me. So did my brother and father. I always deleted the messages before opening them. No matter how much I tried to get over what happened at the house, I couldn't. They had been so comfortable humiliating me in front of Samuel and it was all done with laughter and smiles as if I was the crazy one for being upset.
And if it wasn't for Sam I never would have said a word. I would have kept my mouth shut and my head down like I always did and simply let them pile on before I came back home and took out all of their laughter and jokes on myself.
Thinking about it made my stomach turn. I stared at the phone screen a while longer before I quickly shoved it into my pocket again. No, I couldn't think about that right now. I'd already seen a message pop up with my mother asking why I wasn't speaking to her. Telling me that she missed me. But it wasn't my job to make her feel better when she made me feel like shit. Or at least that’s what Sam reassured me of whenever I started to feel a little guilty.
I drove home and prayed Samuel would get off of work soon. There was a stone lodged deep in my stomach and it felt heavier and heavier by the second. I had to force myself to calm down and breathe. The stress of not having a job, my mother's guilt-ridden messages, missing Samuel, it was all starting to stack on me until my knees buckled and I knew eventually I would fall.
My apartment felt eerily silent when I returned. I had gotten used to either having Sam around or being at his apartment and playing with Salt and Pepa in the living room. We still hadn't made our way to his bedroom, but that didn't matter to me. I figured he was still trying to keep a bit of his own personal space and he was allowed to have that. Even if it made me question myself and my position in his life.
I opened the fridge and saw Sam's lunch waiting for me in its container. Eating it would be as simple as taking it out, grabbing water, and plopping down in front of the tv. But instead, I closed the door and took out my phone.
"I can order a little something this one time. That'll be fine."
I was craving something greasy, cheesy, delicious. Finally, I settled on ordering a meat lover's pizza, bbq wings, breadsticks and a two-liter of Coke. By the time it arrived, I was starving. I sat my food on the living room coffee table and sat down before I opened the box and stared into the abyss of rich sauce and stringy cheese.
"Hello, old friend."
The scent alone made my stomach tighten. A little voice in the back of my head warned me not to take a bite, but I had to. Besides, Sam said a cheat day every once in a while wasn’t a bad thing.
Unless I get carried away. No, I won’t. I’ll eat a few slices, have a little soda, and put the rest away. I can control myself.
As I picked up a slice of pizza I could hear my mother chastising me. The woman in the office who talked about me having a heart attack. Every little joke and laugh at my expense. My stomach clenched and I shoved the slice into my mouth. As soon as I did, the voices stopped and I was at peace.
I flushedthe toilet and hung my head as shame crawled over my skin. Failure. I had fucked up again. I pushed my fingers through my hair and gripped it, tugging the roots until pinpricks of pain danced along my scalp and made me grit my teeth.
Why can't I do anything right?
I washed my face and brushed my teeth, but there was still searing, burning acid in my throat and chest. There it would stay, reminding me that I was a total and complete fuck up. That I had done exactly what I always did. I was a screw up and I would keep messing up.
Knock knock knock!
I groaned. Whoever it was, I didn't want to talk to them. I shuffled to the front door and peered out of the peephole. There was Samuel, a bag in his hand and a frown on his lips. Fuck. I had admitted to him that I'd screwed up and went down another spiral of binge and purge. That was a mistake. I should have shut up and kept it to myself.
"Carter?" Samuel called. "Open the door. I'm not going anywhere."
I laid my head against the door and groaned. Of course, he wasn't going to leave me alone just because I didn't open up for him. I traced a finger down the cool wood and frowned. Why did he even want to see me? I had screwed up so badly. Why did he want to be a part of that? I had failed not only myself, but him too.
"Sweet boy," Sam's voice sang through the door. "Come on. Open this door. Let me hold you."
Fuck. My heart squeezed at his words and I licked my lips. No matter how much I wanted to hide from him, I couldn't. Samuel knew what I was going through. I swallowed thickly, trying to push the lump out of my throat. No matter how ashamed I was, I needed him. I reached up and clicked the locks slowly before I stepped back.
Samuel opened the door and when he stepped through he smiled at me. He closed and locked the door behind him before he turned and sighed.
"Come here."
I walked on autopilot into his arms. Samuel wrapped me up and squeezed me tight. We stood there for a long time; him swaying back and forth gently and soothing me as I bit back bitter tears.
"You didn't have to come," I whispered.
"Of course I did." Samuel pulled back and smiled at me. "This is a step back. It's not the end."
"How do you know?" I asked, my words stinging my already sore throat. "What if this is how I am for the rest of my life?"
Samuel shook his head. "Then you'll keep trying for the rest of your life and I'll be right here, sweet boy."
Fuck. Why was Sam so good at working with me to the point where I wanted to melt and forget all of my mistakes? He was the type of man that I needed, that I craved, and yet I continued to tell myself that he wasn't for me. How could he be? The difference between the two of us was vast and yet I wanted to cling to my Daddy and never let him go.
"I brought you something. It's for when I'm not here." Samuel held out the bag. "Open it."
Tilting my head, I took the bag and opened it. Underneath the layers of blue and red tissue paper was a Captain America plush. I gasped and held it against my chest instantly reverting to my smaller side.
"I don't deserve this," I choked out. "I failed."
"Failing doesn't matter," Samuel said as he took my hand in his. "It's how many times you get back up."
I nodded at him, unable to say a word as my eyes watered. Captain America was staying right with me for the rest of eternity. Samuel had no idea how important this was to me.
"Let's make a deal," Sam said as he kissed my hand. "If you can keep eating well I'll show you a special secret in my bedroom."
My eyes widened. "What kinda secret?"
"If I told you that," he leaned forward and brushed his lips against my ear, "it wouldn't be a secret."
"So, it's like a prize?"
Samuel grinned. "Yes, it's a prize, sweet boy."
Excitement filled my chest. He was really good at making me forget my fuck ups. Even though it stayed in the back of my mind, Samuel didn't dwell on it and neither did I. I pressed my new plush against my chest and smiled at Sam. He placed a kiss on my forehead and I fell into it before he pulled back.
"Why don't we play something?"
I lit up. "Really? Are you sure? I thought I would get in trouble for this," I muttered. "I should."
Samuel lifted my chin with a single finger. "Stop that. No, you don't deserve to be punished when you're trying your best. We're going to get through this together." He chewed his lip. "Unless you want to-"
"No," I said quickly. "I don't want to go through talking to someone again. No matter how much I talk and recover, I go right back. Please, let me try this on my own first."
Samuel nodded and I relaxed a little. I knew he had my best interest in mind, but I didn't want to be locked away somewhere fighting this demon on my own. He was good to me, he cared and I needed that in my life. It gave me reassurance and I wanted to continue leaning on him... If he wasn't sick of me yet. I didn’t want to be a burden, but checking myself into a clinic terrified me.
We set up camp on the couch and I discovered Samuel had brought along sports drinks, water, and soda for me to replenish my electrolytes. He draped an arm over my shoulder and kept me close as we played. Every once in a while I glanced over at him and he was still all smiles.
"Thank you, Daddy," I whispered.
"Anything for you, sweet boy." He pressed a kiss on my temple. "Now pick your loadout before we start the next round."
I laughed and did just that. Captain America stayed tucked underneath my arm and I leaned my head on Samuel's shoulder. His encouraging words and raucous laughter made the entire situation feel as if it wasn't the end of the world. Yes, I had screwed up, but I could start again.
I checked my phone to see Aaron had texted me. He was the only other person I could be honest about my illness with. I'd told him about my slip up and he was as encouraging and sweet as Samuel was.
Aaron: Are you okay?
Carter: Yeah, I'm fine. Sam's here. We're playing games.
Aaron: Fuck yes! He seems like a good dude.
Aaron had no fucking idea. Samuel was the best thing that had ever happened to me and he kept putting up with my shit with a smile and a reassuring hug. He wasn’t a good man, he was the best man I’d ever met. The best Daddy I knew.
Carter: Yeah, he is. I'm fine now. Promise.
Aaron: Since Sam's there I don't doubt it. When do I get to meet him?
Carter: Never! Fuck off.
Aaron: That's not nice at all lmao. When are you going to ask him out?
Carter:... I don't think that's a good idea.
Aaron: Why not?
Carter: Look at how I fucked up tonight. I don't want to be this constant burden on him for the rest of my life.
Aaron: Carter...
Carter: I gotta go.
I shoved my phone back into the side of the couch and sighed. Aaron didn't understand that I couldn't do it. I'd just had a relapse. I was already a burden on him, I didn’t want to put more pressure on his shoulders.
Besides, he could do so much better than me. I’m not good enough for Sam.
So, I would cling to this relationship that we had, no matter how temporary it was. I gripped my controller tightly and tried not to think about the day all of this would come to an end. When I gazed up at him, my heart skipped a beat and tears threatened to spill.
I didn’t want to lose my Daddy.
Day: Monday
Time: 11:22
Breakfast: Eggs and toast with grapes
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Large meat lovers pizza, wings, breadsticks, 2-liter soda
Fucked up again!