A Secret to Shatter by Katie O’Connor

Chapter Thirty

“What the actual…Ira?” Honey stared at the closed door. He had to be kidding. Right? Ten minutes after he casually dropped the bomb that he loved her, he walked out. The man was a nut case. Insane. Crazy as a June bug. Bat crap crazy. She swiped at a tear racing down her cheek. She wouldn’t let him get to her. He had no effect on her. None. Not one bit.

She staggered to the couch and flopped down, belly first. She trembled with tension and unspent emotion. Anger came first and foremost, sadness a close second. Ira had been a jerk, but this was all her fault. She’d known better than to enter into a serious relationship with a man. Friendship was one thing. Sex another. Combine the two with visions of the future fueled by love and you had a disaster in the making when you had unsharable secrets.

Well, the cat was out of the bag now. He knew she had ties to the military. No taking the information back. He was a smart man. He’d eventually puzzle things out. Not that it mattered, since he dumped her.

Screw Ira Castillo.

She didn’t need him. Not his adorable face, his sexy body, or his intelligent mind. She didn’t need his friendship, or his love.

“I’m fine by myself. I don’t need you.” She rolled over and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t even convince herself. How was she supposed to go forward now?

Tawny hoped up on the couch and climbed onto her chest purring. Honey slid into a seated position without dislodging the cat and buried her face in his fur. So much for the bright happy future she’d been planning. The one where she shared her life with Ira and carried his babies. She was going to have to move on. She couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who didn’t trust her implicitly.

If only her heart understood that Ira wasn’t the man for her.

For the first time since moving to Coyote Creek, Honey called in sick to work at the café. Not once, but two days in a row. She didn’t even feel guilty. At least not much.

She wandered around her apartment, not bothering to shower or change. She ordered comfort food from the grocery store and had it delivered.

Ice cream, cake, cheesecake, cheezies, chips, and frozen pizza. She ate until she was gorged, trying to drown her feelings in food. That’s what you did when you had a broken heart, wasn’t it?

Forty-eight hours after Ira crushed her heart and spirit, someone was pounding on her door. Rising from the couch, she swore if it was Ira, she’d punch him in the face for hurting her. Then, she’d throw him out.

“Get real, woman,” she mumbled to herself. “You don’t have a violent bone in your body. If it is him, you’re more likely to listen to what he has to say than to kick his butt to the curb.” Ignoring the temptation to screen her guest, she avoided peering through the peephole and yanked the door open, realized she hadn’t even locked it after Ira left two days ago. Stupid.

“Lacy?” Honey stared at her guest.

“Wow. You look like crap. What is it, is it the flu? Food poisoning? The black plague?” Lacy pushed her way inside, ignoring Honey’s weak attempt to stop her.

“I’m fine.” Honey shut the door and locked it. No more stupid mistakes.

“I can see that.” Lacy stared around the apartment, hands on her hips.

Honey could almost feel the assessment and suppressed a groan at the sight of discarded ice cream tubs, cake containers, and a half-eaten pizza.

“What in the world?” She pivoted to stare at Honey. “Obviously it isn’t the flu.” Her eyes lit with inspiration. “What did he do? When I get my hands on him…” she made a twisting motion with her hands like she was strangling someone. She looked around again. “At least you’re only eating yourself to death, not drinking yourself senseless.” She scooped up a collection of empty containers and carried them to the trash before plugging in the kettle.

Honey flopped onto the couch and watched her friend tidy up and brew an enormous pot of tea.

“Drink this,” Lacy ordered putting a steaming mug in front of her, “and spill your guts. Tell me everything. What evil things has Ira done?”

She didn’t want to talk about it. She’d rather wallow in her misery and the shame of being dumped. “Nothing. He didn’t do anything.”

“Right,” Lacy drawled sarcastically. “Nothing made you skip work and binge eat half a grocery store of junk food. You’re my best friend. I tell you everything. You can trust me with this. You need to talk about it. Purging your emotions is good for the heart and soul.”

“Yeah, well, my heart and soul dumped me like yesterday’s garbage.” The ache in her chest, the one she hadn’t tamed, surged up again stealing her breath and lodging a lump of regret in her throat. She choked the regret down as best she could and ignored the renewed trembling in her limbs. She wanted to cry, to ease the ache behind her eyes and the pressure in her chest. Tears wouldn’t come. She sat there, dry eyed, staring at her friend.

“That bastard. Why’d he go and do a stupid thing like that? You guys are perfect for each other. Any idiot could see the love between you.”

“It isn’t about lack of love. It’s about lies and half truths.”

“He lied to you? Oh, that infuriates me.” Lacy smacked her fist into her right palm.

“I lied to him.”

Lacy gaped at Honey like she had three heads. “You’re the most honest person I know. What lies could you possibly have told him?”

“Nothing.”

“Wait. What?” She froze, the last of the trash in her hand, and stared down at Honey. “Repeat. You’re not making sense.”

Anger at herself and her inability to make sense, made Honey jump to her feet. “My stupid job. My real job, not the waitressing gig. I can’t tell him about it. He’s figured out parts of it, he wants to know all about it.”

“Tell him. If you love and trust him, tell him.” She sat in the spot Honey had vacated and watched her pace.

It took three laps of the living room, and one trip to the bathroom for Honey to sort her feelings out enough to talk. “That’s just it. I do love him. But I can’t say anything. I’d tell him if I could, but I can’t. I signed an agreement. If I tell him, I’ll lose my job. There is always the distant possibility that he isn’t who he says he is. What if he’s some sort of spy in a sleeper cell? An informant. If I share what I do, it could endanger a lot of people.” She poured out her unease and fear, expecting her friend to understand. To her dismay, Lacy laughed.

“Oh my gosh, girl.” Lacy gasped for breath. “He’s ex-military. He’s found his birth father here in town. He’s good and honorable. Trust him.”

“If only it were so easy.”

“Can you have him…what do you call it? Vetted? Can your boss check him out and give you permission to talk to him? I mean, I don’t really know what you do. I’ve put two and two together. It’s something with the military. He’s ex-military. Get permission to share with him.”

“I can’t.”

“You can try. Ask your boss. The worst he can do is say no. If he says no, you’re no worse off. If you explain the situation, he might say yes. Take the chance. Isn’t Ira worth it?” She picked up her mug. “Drink up girl. It’s your favorite soothing blend.”

Mug in hand, Honey continued pacing, pausing now and then to stare out the window at the street below. Lacy made sense. Sort of. Would it really harm anything if she asked to share her job with Ira?

It might get her fired if Cameron decided she couldn’t be trusted any longer.

But she could always find another job. Probably not one that paid as well as this one, but other jobs existed. She could go to work at the computer shop doing repairs. She had the skills and the education. Not as earth shattering or as important as hunting terrorists, but it could be fulfilling to help people out of difficulties with their computers.

Maybe she should just solve the issue by changing jobs.

No! She wouldn’t give up her career for a man. No woman should. Or, at least it should be by choice, not because she was forced to in order to keep a relationship going. That wouldn’t be fair. Nor would it be fair for a woman to ask a man to give up his life’s work.

Relationships were just too danged complicated.

“Think it over,” Lacy said and glanced at her phone. “Come on now. Get cleaned up. We’re meeting Candice for supper.”

“No, thanks.”

“Yes. We’re going. You need to get out of this apartment. Get your mind off Ira for a while. At least until you decide if you can approach your boss.”

“Fine. Give me twenty minutes. I haven’t showered in days.”

She roared through the quickest shower on record, snagged her wet hair into a high ponytail and dabbed on a dot of her favorite perfume. She refused to acknowledge that it was also Ira’s favorite. She slid into a black gauze skirt. A red and white sweater completed the comfortable outfit. She added her anklet of bells, and couple of bangles and with a last fortifying look in the mirror declared herself ready. Physically at least.

She could do this. She had friends to support her, to help her through. Sammy’s Steakhouse was blessedly quiet. There wasn’t a crowd to contend with. Nor were there many people she knew well to deal with. She was happy with the relative anonymity, although anonymity wasn’t a real thing in a small town. Still, she’d take what she could get, especially since they were seated in a central table, visible to most of the restaurant.

“I’m not really hungry,” she said as they were seated. Candice sat on Honey’s left, Lacy on her right. “Maybe I’ll just have an appy.”

“You should eat a real meal,” Candice said. “Broken hearts need proper fuel. Junk food is good for a day or two, but proper nutrition makes you feel better. The body can’t function on junk alone,” she said piously.

“I suppose so. Next you’re going to tell me to paste on a smile and think positive thoughts.”

“Isn’t that what you’d tell us?” Lacy asked. “Make the best of it. Find the good. Find your happy? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard you nag me about positivity at least a few times.”

“And you told me faking a smile, or trying your best to smile, can actually help break a bad mood. I think of it as fake it until you make it,” Candice reminded her.

“I suppose, it can’t hurt to try.” It was nice to have friends who supported her and wanted the best for her. Even if they parroted her own advice back to her. To her surprise, she actually did smile and it made her feel better. “Maybe I’ll try and eat something.” She picked up her menu to check out the options.

Steak and lobster. Grilled rib-eye. The fish platter sounded lovely. Stuffed baked potatoes. The special was a hearty seafood soup and salad. So many delicious options. Her stomach growled.

Lacy laughed. “Thought you weren’t hungry.”

“I guess I must be. My stomach seems to think I am, even if my mind isn’t sure. Maybe I’ll have a full meal rather than something light. I can always take the leftovers home. I’m going to have a glass of the house white wine too.”

Everyone ordered meals, and wine. They sat talking of nothing while waiting for their drinks.

“Gr.” Candice wrinkled her nose and frowned, the expression reminding Honey of an angry puppy, not that she’d ever mention it to her friend.

“What?” Honey glanced around to see what irritated her friend. Garth Gunderson, the man Candice loved to hate, stood near the hostess desk.

“I detest that man,” Candice growled.

“He’s a nice guy. A bit rugged and outdoorsy for my taste, but he’s kind and gentle. Kids love him,” Honey said.

“And so hot.” Lacy fanned her face with one hand. “I dated him once.”

“Really?” Candice growled.

“Yup. So hot to look at, but no chemistry between us at all.” She frowned. “Actually, I’m surprised at how many guys I’ve dated once. I better watch myself or I’ll get a reputation. But I won’t date a guy twice if there’s no chemistry.”

“I won’t date a man who rapes the environment,” Candice growled.

“He doesn’t rape the environment. He guides people in outdoor activities like hiking and boating. He makes his money from the environment and keeping it clean and pure is in his best interest. Sure, he instructs in fishing and hunting, but he’s a staunch defender of saving the planet. He’s just not vocal about it like you are,” Honey said. “Maybe you should give him a chance. Ask him out for coffee.”

“That’ll be the day I give a man like him two seconds of my time.” She turned her head away as if it hurt her to look at him.

Honey pondered her friend’s overreaction. She wasn’t like this with many people. She sure had a bee in her bonnet about Garth. Perhaps she was attracted to him, it would certainly explain her attitude. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Her adamant attitude started something turning in Honey’s mind. Ira wanted to know all about her work. She refused to let him in. She’d debated asking for permission to share her career with him but had neglected to actually put the question out there. The question was why. What made her reluctant? Was she really so worried about losing her job?

Probably not.

Maybe she was more worried about letting Ira all the way into her life. The idea was feasible, so she put the question to her friends. “Why am I so reluctant to ask my boss if I can share my career with Ira? I mean, he wouldn’t need the down and dirty details, just a general idea of what I work on.”

“That’s exactly what I was getting at earlier. Poorly I admit,” Lacy said. “You’re so hell bent on keeping him in the dark it makes me wonder why.”

Candice didn’t say anything, she just looked thoughtful. Perhaps she was thinking of her own situation with Garth. Relationships were difficult sometimes. Especially when ideologies clashed. Or seemed to.

“Am I wrong not to ask my boss?” she asked, trusting her friends to be honest.

“Probably,” Lacy responded immediately.

“I think you should figure out why you are reluctant,” Candice suggested. “What’s nagging deep in your brain and pushing you to keep him out? You can’t go forward until you know what’s holding you back.”

The words ping ponged around Honey’s brain until she felt dizzy. She pushed them aside, deciding to let her subconscious consider the question and answer her when it reached a decision. Sometimes, her brain was smarter than her heart.