A Secret to Shatter by Katie O’Connor
Chapter Thirty-Two
Another week passed before Honey found the courage to approach Ira. She’d been hoping he’d come back to her. No such luck. She stood beside her car on his long driveway staring at his house, willing him to come outside and greet her. She stood there until the chill fall air chased her toward the door. Her feet were freezing and it felt like snow. How could it snow in September? Hopefully it would hold off until at least October. Preferably November.
Well, wishing wouldn’t make it happen, nor would wishing fix things between her and Ira. She trudged up the steps and rapped lightly on the front door. There were several lights on inside. Either he was home, or left the lights on when he was out. She shook her head at the silly thought. Talk about blatantly obvious observations.
Ira opened the door. His welcoming smile dropped away when he saw her. “Honey. Hi.”
“Ira. I probably should have called.” Boy, did she wish she’d called. But what if he had refused to see her. “Can we talk?” Her voice trembled.
He frowned and looked indecisive. She was certain he was going to refuse her request. “You can come in. I guess. It’s freezing out there, come in. Let me take your jacket.”
She handed him her jacket and scarf, and shifting foot to foot, waited for him to ask her further inside. Butterflies danced in her stomach and her shoulders ached from holding herself upright. She was half certain she’d collapse if she relaxed. He knees wobbled and her stomach churned.
“Come inside.” He waved her forward. “Tea?”
She’d much rather have a stiff shot of vodka, but tea would do. “Yes, please. Tea would be lovely. Thanks for seeing me.”
“It’s not like you gave me much choice. You did just show up unannounced and uninvited.” His words were adversarial, his tone resigned.
“Sorry.” She inhaled deeply. “I have a few things to say. I’m asking you to listen. Then, when I’m done, I’ll go.”
He shrugged as if he couldn’t care any less.
This was going to be more difficult than she imagined. He’d want more than an apology and explanation. She was going to have to suck it up and bare her soul. She waited until they were seated across from each other, tea in front of them. “I don’t suppose you have any Baileys? It’s great in Earl Grey tea, and frankly I need a shot of courage.”
He raised one eyebrow, but found a bottle and doctored her tea.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
This was fast shaping up to be the most awkward non-conversation she’d ever had. Time to plunge in headfirst and let the chips fall where they may. She groaned at the mixed metaphor. She sipped her tea, and used her thumb to wipe a drip off the rim.
“Okay. Here goes.” Breathe, she told herself. “I can’t change what happened between us. But I’ve got an explanation, of sorts.” She inhaled and smoothed her palms on the silky fabric of her skirt. “I made mistakes. I admit that. I couldn’t tell you what I do in my other job. Non-disclosure agreement.”
“I know,” he said, not sounding very patient.
“I never lied about having another job. I told you I work on the computer. I just didn’t tell you for who.”
He nodded, a frown turning the corners of his mouth down.
Damn, she was botching this.
“Anyway. I talked to my boss. He vetted you. He had to before agreeing to let me talk about my work.”
“Seriously? You had me vetted?” Anger turned his voice dark.
“It was the only option. If you weren’t fully investigated and vetted, I couldn’t talk to you. So, I told Cameron to go ahead. You were right. Cameron is military. He’s a general. He’s an important man in the Canadian military.” Ira’s brisk nod wasn’t very encouraging, but she plunged on ahead.
“I’m part of an anti-terrorism task force. I stalk chat rooms, and follow leads I pick up there. We’re hunting terrorist cells and ferreting out plots. Espionage, terrorism, threats to the country. To the world.” She leaned back and folded her hands in her lap, giving him time to think.
“And you couldn’t just tell me?”
“I could not.” She was frustrated with his stubborn stance. “You’ve served in the military. You understand clearance and need to know. I had no idea what your clearance was, or is, and you certainly didn’t need to know, even if you wanted to.”
He nodded, and his expression lightened to something less than a glower.
“That’s all there is to it. I still can’t give you full details, but you’ve got the gist of what I do.”
“Thank you.” Two simple, but grudging words. “Why does you waitress if you have the research job? I mean, for months I was certain you were a total airhead.”
“Gee thanks.” His words hurt, but she could see how he might have arrived at the conclusion. She was a very happy-go-lucky person and always sought to be cheerful. More than once she’d overheard comments how she was nice but a bit of a light-brain. Typically, it never bothered her. Until now.
“Sorry, that came out wrong. First impression only. It quickly became clear you weren’t…” he paused.
“An intellectual lightweight?” she offered.
“That’s one way to put it. Listening to you talk, being with you, I discovered you were actually smart, probably a damn sight smarter than I am. I didn’t understand how you could be happy as a waitress.”
“Yeah, I remember those comments.” This conversation wasn’t going where she wanted it to. “I became, and remain, a waitress, or server if you prefer the modern term, because I love people and I need human contact. My computer work is very solitary and lonely, despite the people I chat with online.”
Understanding dawned in his eyes like a light snapping on. “Oh, I get it. Your dual careers make total sense now.”
She swallowed the last of her tea. She’d said her piece and could leave now. He knew who she was, what she did. Maybe she should explain her motivation.
“I fell into the government work by accident. I wanted a job in computers, in the training I took at SAIT. Not repairs. More like programming. I saw an ad and applied. I was four interviews and eight aptitude tests in before I was told the client was military. I was tempted to refuse but when I learned I’d be finding and stalking potential terrorists, I was hooked. Especially after 9/11. I hope what I do helps prevent similar tragedies in the future. I should clarify. I said I met Cameron at SAIT. I didn’t, I met him on the job.”
He nodded his understanding, but didn’t interrupt.
“When we were at your house, watching the news, and I left suddenly, it was because I recognized one of my marks in the news broadcast. I had to report in. I’m proud to say my information led to an unknown terrorist cell being broken up, and the conspirators were arrested.”
Just thinking of her role in the arrests filled her with pride and a deep sense of accomplishment. She’d been instrumental in several such raids and a dozen smaller ones. Twice, she’d fed information to her boss which thwarted major attacks.
“I still can’t give you all the details, but I hope this is enough to set your mind at ease about what I do. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, couldn’t tell you. I can’t go back and change that, but I’d like for us to try again.”
Ira fiddled with his mug, rose and refilled it. Leaning back against the counter, he studied her. She’d been open and honest with him. He was proud of her accomplishments. She was, in his opinion, a hero. “I’m impressed. Thank you for telling me.”
Relief flooded through her. It was a good thing she was sitting or she might have dropped to the floor when the tension rushed from her body. She smiled at him.
* * *
Somehow,her smile was reassuring to Ira. Maybe there was hope for them after all.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked, newly confident he wanted to resume where they left off. He was still in love with her and couldn’t see his feelings changing. He’d loved her, even when he was angry with her evasion.
“I’d like to see you again. I care for you. You’ve become important in my life.”
“Are you okay with my past?” he asked, needing to be certain. He’d accidentally revealed his position as a sniper, he wanted, needed to know she was okay with the things he’d done.
“Do you have regrets?” The question was typical of her compassionate heart.
“Dozens of them. More than I’ll ever settle in my mind. Taking a life isn’t easy. Each one hit me harder than the last. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, because it was the best way to serve my country. Terrible atrocities were averted with a single shot. It’s hard to reconcile the two sides. Regret versus need. After my accident, I saw my counselor every day for a month. I still see them weekly. I alternate between two. I can’t change what I did and it haunts me at times. I don’t mean being shot; I mean shooting people. That’s what bothers me. I was always resigned to the idea I might get injured in the line of duty. I expected it. I’m resolving my issues. It’s a long slow process.”
It wasn’t easy to confess his mental disarray. He wasn’t considered dangerous nor did he have PTSD. What he suffered from was a whack load of guilt and an inability to fully reconcile the need for what he’d done and the pain of ending lives.
“I think,” she said, “I’m okay with your past. I’ve never seen a shred of violence in you. I don’t think you’ve ever really even raised your voice. I’m sorry you have residual problems over what you’ve done, but I’m not afraid of you. In fact, I love you. More than I realized I could love anyone.” She rose and drew him into her arms, resting her head on his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re in my life.”
“You have no idea how happy that makes me.” He stepped back just enough to press his lips to hers. “I love you Honey Dalton. I think I loved you the first time I saw you.”
“Even though I was an airhead?” she teased.
Heat flooded his face. “Yes, even then. I’m not ever going to live that down, am I?”
“Never.” She kissed him deeply. Her love flowed through her touch, straight to his heart.
Warmth stole over him, not passion, not lust, but the soft warmth of knowing he loved and was loved back. “I just have one more question,” he said when they finally broke apart.
She grinned and rolled her eyes. “What’s that?”
“You’re my life, my world, my sanity, and my heart. I’m not much of a man. I am who I am. I’ve done ugly things but you put beauty back into my life with your giving heart and beautiful soul. You complete me.” He paused. “Honey Dalton, will you do me the honor, no, the privilege of being my wife?”
She stared at him, unblinking, for a full minute before a heart stopping smile bloomed on her face. She cupped his cheeks in her hands. “Yes, Ira Castillo, yes. I’d be honored to be your wife.”