Kite In The Snow by Karla Lopez

 

I lie on my couch, staring at the ceiling while my cassette is playing in the background. It’s a cassette that I made specifically for moments like this. When I feel so lost and depressed that I can’t move.

It’s called feel to my bones.

Every song on this playlist makes me feel, and I need to feel even if it’s all just sadness.

All I’ve done is work and lie here listening to music until I fall sleep. It’s been six weeks since Mae and Carter left and that’s how long I’ve felt empty for. Carter is almost five months old, and I wonder how he looks, if he’s changed.

I wonder if he remembers me. Of course, he doesn’t. I was in his life for such a short time that all that’s left is the memories I have.

I can’t watch Harry Potter without thinking of Mae and our moments together of watching it. I got her obsessed with the series, and all I remember are her little laughs and comments. Her facial expressions of being captivated by such a story.

Working isn’t the same either. James isn’t there and all I have is Camila, but she doesn’t seem the same either. She seems sad, and the baker I hired, he’s good, but he stays to himself.

For the first time in my life, I truly feel alone.

My thoughts are distracted when Saturday Sun by Nation of Two comes on and my heart freezes inside my chest. This was the song I would dance to with Carter in my arms on Saturdays.

All the emotions I’ve been trying to suppress come crushing down as I close my eyes and I break. I imagine having him in my arms again, where he slept peacefully. I can almost see Mae smiling at us from the kitchen where she stood barefoot while she cooked.

My family.

I keep my eyes closed letting the tears flow freely and hope sleep consumes me.

 

 

 

I cradle Carter to my chest as he sleeps soundly. I try to hold him as much as I can. He has had separation anxiety since we left Wyatt. He cries and cries until I pick him up. Even though he lets Travis pick him up, it’s not for long before he’s crying so hard, he can’t breathe until I take him.

I see it in Travis’s eyes that it breaks his heart that he can’t hold him for long. Even though he’s still drinking, he doesn’t come near Carter when he’s not himself. I pray every day that he will get the help he needs.

The hairs behind my neck stand up, aware that I’m being watched. I’m sure if I turn around, Travis will be standing there. I just keep my focus on Carter.

“Put him in his crib and put him to bed.” Travis’s harsh voice makes me unsteady, but I listen to his command.

I place Carter down slowly and look at the love of my life and how much I wish we were home where we belonged. I make my way to mine and Travis’s bedroom and see him sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me.

We haven’t had sex. He won’t touch me, and I’m so grateful for it. Every time I see Travis, I see it in his eyes that he’s at his lowest, and it’s only a matter of time before he hits rock bottom.

“You need to change his name, Mae,” Travis says so calmly that it gives me anxiety. “I refuse for my son to have the last name of another man. You and Carter are mine.”

No, we are not. I want to say, but I stay quiet.

The silence is so intense, you can cut it with a knife. “Answer me, Mae! Fuck, dammit!” He slams his hand on the nightstand and I flinch.

“What do you want me to say?” I whisper.

“That you will!” he says firmly.

“I can’t,” I say so quietly, I’m not sure I even heard it.

“You can’t?” He grinds his teeth. “WHY?”

“You won’t like what I have to say.” I start to shake with fear of what’s to come.

He just nods, but I can feel the anger radiate from him. We’re silent for a few seconds before Travis gets up harshly and I hold my breath and close my eyes. I wait for the hits to come but they never do.

I hear the front door slam and I release a breath of relief that he actually left instead of taking it out on me. I lie there for a few minutes and pick up the baby monitor.

My face pales and everything inside of me runs cold. I drop the monitor; fear slithering inside of me and squeezing my heart so hard it might burst.

I run to Carter’s nursery and stare at his empty bed.