Deadly Nightshade by Sem Thornwood

Chapter 17

Isabella

For a moment after I kicked Alessio out of my room, I actually thought maybe I could find peace. Maybe all I needed to do was to accept it. I was really not believing Alessio’s promises anymore. Maybe I could just accept I was going to marry Brando Panaro, and as a result, I could be happy again.

Well, that thought didn’t last. Some people in the Outfit did find love in their arranged marriages, or at least they found comfort. If my father would have given me away to Falzone or some other suitor, I might give it a chance. Even if I knew I could never love anyone as much as I loved Alessio, I could have tried. I would just accept it and give my marriage and my husband a chance.

Unfortunately, it was not a possibility for me. Brando Panaro was not a man I could give a chance. He was rude and violent against his late wife, and he was going to be just like that towards me too. Maybe my only chance to get rid of the beating was to get pregnant. If he thought it could hurt his heir, he wouldn’t hit me.

That thought came with worse visuals. Having nine months free of violence was a good idea but carrying Brando Panaro’s baby was a nightmare. I didn’t want anything to bind me to him. He was old. If I could complete this marriage without children, I could have a chance at living after his death.

With that goal, I started to plan. I knew Panaro had no intention of using condoms. He wanted an heir. Luckily for me, women can take precautions without men knowing.

After I spent New Year’s with Mia in the lake house, I made an appointment with the OB-GYN. Of course, I had to convince Emiliano to take me. Even though it was a doctor’s visit, he said that he has to notify.

At least he called Salvatore and not my father. During Christmas, I did talk to Salvatore to want one thing.

He was too desperate for my forgiveness. I was not willing to give it to him just like that, but my hatred was not as powerful as before. “Just tell me something I can do, Bells. Please give me a chance to earn your forgiveness.”

Of course, I wanted to ask for a rescue. I wanted to ask him to talk to my father and broke off my engagement, but I knew it was not in his power. I knew my brother was completely powerless when it came to saving me from Brando Panaro. Just like Alessio. Unlike Alessio, he seemed like he accepted the truth.

There was nothing I could ask for myself. My reduction was close, and no wish could make it better. So, I used the wish my brother granted for someone else. “Mia is almost of age. I don’t know when you are planning to marry her, but it cannot be too long. She wants to go to college to get her art degree. Just promise me you will let her.”

My wish did confuse him. His brows furrowed as he asked. “Why don’t you ask something for yourself?”

“There is nothing I want for myself,” I said truthfully. “Mia, on the other hand, has a very big wish. I knew it is controversial for a future Capo’s wife to get a degree, but please let her. It would make her happy, and as a result, I would be happy.”

With that, he simply answered, “Okay.” and to my surprise, he added, “You know, if Mia would have asked me this herself, I would still say yes. I care about her happiness more than some stupid tradition.”

I decided to not hold a grudge against my brother after that. He was a future Capo. He was crazy and vicious, but he also had a good side. He was going to make a good husband to Mia. I would expect myself to get jealous over that, but I didn’t. I was happy for Mia. At least one of us did deserve happiness.

Because of that talk, I was not too nervous now. I could handle this.

After Emiliano told my brother I wanted to go to the hospital, he held out the phone to me. I knew I could not lie about which doctor I was going to see, so I decided to be true.

When Salvatore asked why I needed to go to the OB-GYN, I got away from Emiliano and spoke in a low voice. “I am going to get birth control pills.”

“Oh, you are?”

There was no harsh tone in his voice, but still, I decided to be ready for any kind of reaction. “You are letting me marry Panaro, but I am not getting his babies. So, please help me.” After a brief pause, I added. “If you don’t let me go, I’ll steal Mia’s pills.” That was very wrong on many levels, but I knew I would do that just to be sure I was not having Panaro’s heirs.

This time Salvatore’s voice came confused. “Mia is using birth control?” I didn’t even answer because that was so not the point of our conversation. Luckily Salvatore understood and continued after clearing his throat. “Okay, I will tell Emiliano to drive you there., but please be discreet. You using birth control is the last thing Panaro wants. If he finds out, he’ll make sure you won’t use them.”

“Don’t worry, I can handle it.” It was the truth. I didn’t know if I could deal with my marriage, but I was sure I could handle taking my birth control. Because at this point, staying clear of children was my top priority.

My wedding was on February 28th. For some reason, after the New Year’s, days started going by really fast. I missed all those long days where I got bored. Now I was not bored. I was just constantly anxious.

On January 22nd, Mia came by to celebrate her 18th birthday with me. I told her not to. It was a special day, and she deserved a big happy party. All I could give her was a sad little one. Still, she said she wanted to celebrate it with me. Seeing me was her special occasion. Also, she said that she would prefer spending time with me over a party with all of her fake friends from school.

She was attending an all-girls Christian school. The same one I graduated from. There were girls from Outfit families, and there were outsiders. We never really got too close with the outsiders since our relationships were dead-end. Mia and I didn’t have many friends from the Outfit families as well. They always seemed like they only cared for our last names. In the beginning, it was more overwhelming for me, but after her engagement to Salvatore, girls started to cage Mia too.

At the end of the day, the only real friends we had were each other. And honestly, it was okay.

I bought our favorite chocolate birthday cake for Mia and put one candle saying 1 and another saying 8. It was pretty simple, but it was nice. We ate the cake, and then we danced in the living room. We wanted to go skinny dipping in the dark, but Emiliano didn’t give us the green light. He said that it was extremely dangerous because it was dark, and it was impossible for him to guard us when we were naked, considering he couldn’t look at us.

Eventually, we decided to just go swimming in the morning. We spent the late-night sitting on my balcony, watching the stars.

“Did Salvatore call?”

Mia snorted next to me at the question. “To decide on the wedding date?”

I sent her a side-eyed glance. She was smiling, but her eyes were again filled with that uncertainty whenever we talk about marriage. “I am here to celebrate your birthday, silly, but on that note, you are eighteen; he cannot wait too long to marry you.”

“He did call. He didn’t mention anything about the marriage. I think he is going to wait as long as he can. I mean, I still have school anyway.”

“True,” I said. There was a question bugging me. I knew I should have dropped the topic, but I was too curious. “Can I ask you something?”

She waited for a few seconds and then answered with a certain tone. “Anything.”

“If you were free to choose, would you choose Salvatore?”

Again, she didn’t answer straight away. “Free as in a member of the mob or free as in a normal girl.”

“That’s a good question,” I laughed. Choosing your husband as a member of the Outfit was still did not entirely put you in a position where you were free to choose. “Are there different answers for both?”

“I guess,” she said. Her voice was thoughtful. “If my father would have asked me, I’d choose him, but if I was just an ordinary girl… Well, honestly, I don’t know Bells. What about you.”

Me? No, I wouldn’t choose Panaro if I had a chance. “If I had a chance to choose, I’d be married to Alessio right now.”

She sighed like I was talking nonsense. “Of course. I was asking if you were like a normal girl. If you weren’t in the mob.”

Even the thought was too weird. There were too many variables. Was I still rich and in no need to work? Was Alessio in the mob? Were we still childhood friends? What were our life goals? And many more.

I could have asked those questions to Mia, but there was no point. With any answer with any future expectations, if I was free to choose, the answer was always the same. Yes.

“I’d choose Alessio anyway. He is never a forced choice for me. He is all I ever want in life.”

Mia didn’t answer. When I looked her way, I saw her watching me. Her expression was sad, and her eyes were filled with longing. I didn’t know if she was reflecting my longing or she was hoping to feel the same way about Salvatore.

In the end, I have made my best friend sad on her birthday.

I wanted to stand up, hug her close, and made a stupid joke to lighten to mode, but before I could even move, she asked another question. “Why do you love him?”

Hearing the L-word out loud felt weird. I thought about it countless times, but when it was silent, it was harmless. I wanted to keep it that way. “I never said I loved him.”

She gave me a “no bullshit” look. “You said he is everything you want.”

“That’s different.”

“Come on, Bella. Tell me why.”

I threw my head back and sighed, but in the end, I accepted. “Okay, but it is really hard to explain. I kind of always felt this way about Alessio.” I thought for a second. It was true, but of course, there was something so important that led to everything. A little start to so many feelings. “For my whole life, people saw me because I was the daughter of the Capo, but I never liked it. You know I hated being seen as my last name. I always hid behind the shadows, and he was the only one that saw me like that. The only one that always followed me into the dark. Under the spotlight, people showed their admiration for the daughter of Giovanni Vasile, but Alessio was different. He found Bella even in the darkest corners he followed me into. He was the only one that truly saw me.”

I never spoke those words out loud. And as I accepted my true feelings for the first time, a tear escaped my eye. “And they ripped my one true love away from me.”