Raging Fires by Candace Camp

Chapter Forty

Jake looked at his phone in disgust. No calls. Well, none he wanted. He’d wanted to call Kelli yesterday right after the game, like he used to. But it had taken him years to get over that habit, and it would be stupid to get back into it now.

What was he going to say to her anyway? “Did you see how great I was?” She probably hadn’t even watched the game. He’d decided to send a message instead and spent several minutes trying to hit exactly the right tone and words—not too loving, not angry, not self-pitying, not begging. But then he’d deleted it. Writing wasn’t his thing.

Kinda like being miserable wasn’t his thing. But here he was. He hadn’t joined any of the other guys in any of the post-game get-togethers, even Gramps’ apparently legendary Mario Kart and gumbo fest. He wasn’t brooding like Asa accused him of doing. He was just… being mature and getting a good night’s sleep. The argument would have been more persuasive if he’d actually gone to bed instead of babysitting his phone and flipping through channels.

Christ. How long was this being mature thing going to take before it made him feel better?

There wasn’t anything to do but slog through it: work out, practice, run wind sprints, spend hours wrinkling in the hot tub and getting the knots in his muscles smoothed out in massage. He tried not to think about the coming weekend, when they’d be back in Phoenix for the next exhibition game. He resolutely shoved it out of his mind every time he wondered whether Kelli would be at the game with the other wives.

Thursday was the worst day of practice. Jake couldn’t stop thinking about seeing Kelli again, and his throwing suffered. But at least he wasn’t the only one. The whole quarterback and receiver positions made so many errors they had to run wind sprints after practice.

When Jake finished his runs, he bent over in the end zone, sucking in air and hoping he wasn’t going to throw up. Neil Moran finished just behind him and flopped down on the turf, arms spread. “I think I’m going to die,” Neil said between gasps.

“Nah, you already did, and this is hell,” Jake responded and sat down. His legs were wobbly, and he wasn’t sure he could make his way back to his room. In fact, he might just spend the night out here. On the upside, at least the pain distracted him from the big hole in his chest for a few minutes.

“I’m getting too old for this,” Moran went on.

“That’s what you say every training camp,” Kowalski told him, coming up and looming over them. “You guys are wusses. You should try running gassers with 80 more pounds on you.”

“Easy for you to say,” Neil shot back. “The line didn’t have to run them.”

“Yeah, well, we didn’t screw up as much as you guys,” Kowalski replied with a notable lack of sympathy. He sat down with them while they watched the receivers thunder up and down the field.

Jalyn Williams drifted over, and when the receivers stopped running, Asa collapsed on the other side of Neil. Pete Cherneski strolled up. “I see the senior citizens club is having a meeting.”

“Hey,” Jake protested. “Asa and I are the same age as you, Cherneski.”

Asa, still gasping for air, contented himself with a raised middle finger at the linebacker.

“Watch it, Jackson,” Cherneski said. “Or you won’t get invited to the engagement party.”

His words were met with a moment of silence, then Gramps said, “Okay. I’ll bite. What engagement party?”

“Claire’s and mine. We’re getting married.”

“Are you serious?” Jalyn turned to look at him, and Jake rose up on his elbows.

“Yeah. What? I can’t get engaged?” Pete said.

“Claire’s a brave woman,” Jalyn commented.

“Or crazy.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s both.” Neil laughed. “But in a good way, as Stephanie always likes to add.”

“Okay, okay… none of you are getting invitations,” Pete declared.

“We’re all just joking,” Neil said. “Congratulations, Pete.”

The others all chimed in with a chorus of congratulations.

“Don’t do it, man,” Jake told him in ominous tones.

“And the King of Gloom has spoken,” Asa said.

“I’m just saying,” Jake replied. “Wives remember everything, and they will never let you live it down.”

“Dude, you need to get over it,” Jalyn told him. “Go home, apologize, and get laid. We’ll all be happier.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “I’ve already apologized a hundred times. I told her I was sorry. I can’t make her believe me. She doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t think I’ve changed. It’s like I can’t ever make a mistake or I’m doomed with her. I have to keep proving myself to her over and over.”

“Yeah, well, you kinda do,” Gramps told him mildly.

Jake sat up and glared at him. “You know, Kowalski, you’re a real pain in the butt.”

“I try.” The other man shrugged. “That’s just the way it is. It may be harsh, but when you mess up big time, it takes a lot of not making mistakes to get people to trust you again.”

“I’ve changed,” Jake protested. “I’ve been showing her that this whole time. I’ve been responsible and reliable and mature. I studied the playbook all spring. I haven’t gotten into a single fight—even though I really wanted to punch out that snotty rookie from U-Dub last week.”

“Wish you had,” Jalyn told him. “That guy’s a douche.”

“Yeah,” Asa put in. “He was trying to tell me how to run a route yesterday.”

“Okay. Forget the rookie from U-Dub,” Kowalski said. “We’re talking about Jake’s atonement and redemption here.”

“Are you going to get biblical, ‘cause if so, I’m outta here,” Cherneski told him.

“No. I’m not talking about religion; I’m talking about reality. When you mess up, people don’t trust you. I know. I totally screwed up my freshman year at UT; I was on the edge of getting kicked off the team. And when I told them I was going to straighten up, they didn’t just say, ‘No problem, Justin, we believe you.’ I had to prove it. Not just for a year. Anytime something came up where I might go off the rails, they watched me like a hawk. And Jake, you messed up big time four years ago. You think the coaches and management aren’t keeping an eye on you right now? They are. You can’t expect the woman who divorced your ass to take you back without any distrust.”

“I don’t know if it’s possible to convince her to trust me. I don’t even know if it’s worth it.”

Asa snorted. “Says the man who checks the Blue’s Instagram five times a day.”

“I do not.”

“Oh, right, sorry. Sometimes it’s Twitter or Facebook.”

“I’m telling you, man, just grovel,” Jalyn put in. “Women eat that up. A little jewelry never hurts either.”

“Kelli’s not like that.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Seriously. Kelli’s weird. I used to give her tons of stuff, and she didn’t care.”

“Ah, but were you groveling when you gave it to her?” Jalyn pointed a finger at him. “You can’t just throw a diamond bracelet at her; she’ll say that’s trying to buy her off.  You have to tell her what a screw-up you are while you’re giving it to her. Or, you know, give her whatever kind of thing she likes; doesn’t have to be jewelry.”

“That’s true. Knowing what she likes wins you style points,” Neil agreed.

“I don’t know what she likes.”

“Well, that might be your problem right there,” Neil said.

“No, I mean, I know what she likes, but I don’t know anything big or special.”

“When Steph broke up with me, I—”

“Stephanie broke up with you?” Jake interrupted.

“Yeah. Hard to believe anyone would dump a paragon like me, I know.”

“And he was a miserable son of a bitch to be around, too,” Asa added. “Worse than you.”

“Way worse than you,” Kowalski agreed. “He couldn’t throw a decent spiral for three weeks.”

“The point is,” Neil said with a glare for his friends. “I got Steph an interview with somebody she couldn’t get for her book.”

“And that was your scheme to get her back?” Jake asked doubtfully.

“Well, no. I did it so I could hang out with her for a while,” Neil said. “And the whole thing turned out to be really painful and awkward. But I think it helped—you know, just because we had to spend time together.”

“Mostly, Claire was the one who fixed it,” Pete put in.

“True,” Neil admitted.

“Okay. That’s about all the getting-in-touch-with-our-feelings talk I can take,” Jalyn said, rising to his feet. “I’m starving.”

All the other men gradually drifted off in search of showers and food until only Asa and Jake were left.

“You think any of that would work with Kelli?” Jake asked his friend.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Jalyn has been married a long time. And Mel’s no pushover; she’s tough like Kelli. Couldn’t hurt to try.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jake crossed his arms behind his head. “Thing is, it wasn’t just a screw-up. It was bigger.” He paused. “I’m not sure Kelli even likes me anymore.”

“What? That’s crazy.”

“She said she wished I was different. Like she doesn’t really like who I am. And I can’t change that.”

“Oh, man, that doesn’t mean anything.” Asa rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow. “People say things like that when they’re mad. Stuff they don’t really mean. Just lashing out, you know. Haven’t you ever said anything bad about Kelli?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you mean it?”

“Sometimes.” Jake’s mouth twitched in a half-smirk. “At least at the time. Most of them, I didn’t. And some—well, she is kinda obsessed with order and way too big on the rules. But those things don’t matter. They’re even sort of cute in a way.”

“See? Kelli did the same thing. She was mad and said something she didn’t really mean. People are always wanting other people to be different even when they’re crazy about them; that’s just human nature. My mom used to ride me all the time about being neater and more studious and all that stuff; didn’t mean she didn’t love me or that she didn’t want me to be her son.”

“Well, sure, but you’re talking about a mother. That’s different.”

Asa rolled his eyes. “We’re talking about women. And love. And you can’t tell me Kelli didn’t love you. Or that you didn’t love her. You two were great together. You were right for each other.”

“That was college.”

“So? Tell me this.” Asa tapped a forefinger on the turf between them. “You think Kelli would have hopped into bed with any guy she had to share that house with?”

“No.” Jake scowled at him. “Of course not. Kelli doesn’t sleep around.”

“Yet she got into bed with you… knowing you’d hurt her before, knowing there was probably no future, knowing it could all come down on her again. And you don’t think she still loves you? You don’t think she trusts you?”

“But I did the same thing,” Jake protested, and Asa gave him a pointed look. “Okay, yeah, I love her. Maybe she still loved me. But it’s already all over. We tried it, and it didn’t work.”

“You had one argument, man. One. She’s too rigid. You’re late a lot. And that makes your marriage over?”

“It’s not just that. It’s the past. There’s been all that anger and hurt and distrust, so much time apart. It’s all so tangled up, I don’t know if we could ever work our way out of it. Maybe… maybe sometimes, you just can’t stay together, no matter how much you love someone.”

Asa made a wordless noise of disgust. “Well, you sure can’t if you don’t even try.”

“You’re saying I didn’t try? That I don’t care?”

“I’m saying you gave up. Which, I gotta tell you is the only time I’ve seen you throw in the towel.”

“I didn’t—” Jake began, then stopped. “Okay. I got tired of beating my head against the wall. It’s not the same as thinking I can come back from twenty-eight points down. This is life.  I’m being realistic. As in, not deluded.”

“You’re being cowardly. As in, scared.”

“Man, if my arm didn’t feel like spaghetti, I would punch you.”

Asa shrugged, looking unimpressed. “No, you wouldn’t because you know I’m right. I don’t blame you. I’d be scared, too. You fell apart last time she left you. And you’re scared to death of it happening again. So you’re holding back, not willing to go all in and commit yourself to being crazy in love with her. Cause it will make you that vulnerable again. So you had one argument, and you split. You went down at the first hit so you wouldn’t get the hell beat out of you.”

Jake glared at him, his breath suddenly shallow and fast, like maybe his lungs were locking up on him.

Asa went on. “Thing is… maybe Kelli is doing the same thing.”