Antidote by LC Lehesaho

13

There is something peaceful with being in pain.

You can count on it.

You can always make it worse, so you don't feel the pain you had before. It's pretty simple, really. When you add pain to the pain, it will make you feel even worse, and suddenly you realize that the earlier state wasn't so bad. It gives you perspective.

Even when you're drowning in shit, and you think it's bad enough, you accidentally open your mouth and swallow it.

There is always the next stage.

But that doesn't mean I want to go back to the earlier stage, no. I'm going forward.

I need to make it harder and harder because they are trying to catch up with me—the feelings.

The pressure in my cranium starts to get unbearable, and I have to focus not to move. My body wants me to jump up, gasp the air into my lungs, but I keep myself under the water with the pure strength of will. My throat feels almost right. The way it would feel if I'd be suffocating on the surface. If someone would help me feel it. But we've never taken it this far.

Now I'm taking this to the next level.

Because the feelings are coming. They are chasing me like hellhounds.

A burst of the little air I hold in my lungs escapes from my mouth and bubbles to the surface. With that, the weight on my chest sinks me deeper to the bottom. Another bubble. Deeper. Bubble. Deeper.

Then comes the first black dot. Like this, they don't come so quickly, it's not so effective. Probably because this doesn't hurt the same way as the pain caused by another human being. I know this because there have been times I tried to ease my suffering with a knife. It doesn't work like that. It takes time and leaves a different kind of mark. There's no rush of relief afterward.

Finally, the pressure makes me push to the surface and gasp for air. A couple more seconds and I would've passed out. I know my own limits, I've always known. How much pain I can take before my body takes control or gives up.

Sucker for pain, he says. That's what I am. I need to die to feel alive. To feel worthy of living.

My shoulders move up and down from my heavy breathing, and I hold back tears. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want the heartbreak. The fucking pain in my chest. But still, every time I close my eyes, I see him. Tiger's eyes looking at me. I can feel his touch, just as real as he caressed my hand today. It's not only my own pain I'm feeling; I feel his, too.

All I wanted was to save him, but I ended up hurting him even more. It kills me.

"Cobra, are you there?" The gentle knock and soft voice come from behind the bathroom door. I wonder for a second how the hell Puma got into my apartment, but yeah, he probably came from the balcony. He lives on one side and Tiger on the other.

"What do you want?" I ask him and pull my legs to my chest to hug them.

"Can we talk?"

I really don't have the energy. I skipped my classes today, too, because there's just not enough strength in me. The pain is like venom in my veins. It paralyzes me and makes me the living dead.

"Go away," I answer to him, sliding back into the water.

Clearly, my brother has some snarky insults he can't wait to throw at me because Puma opens the door, and his hand comes in to grope a towel from the rack. After managing to get one, he walks in with his eyes closed and holding the towel open in front of him. "C'mon, I don't want to see your naked ass."

"You'll not see my naked ass if you leave."

"I'm not leaving, so get out, or I’ll have to pull you out of there, and that's something I really don't want to do, but I will if you make me." He waves the towel. Still, eyes tightly closed. Which is good because this would be even more awkward than it is already.

With a sigh, I push myself up and pull the plug from the tub. The water starts to go down the drain as fast as my will to live these days.

After drying and covering myself up with an actual bathrobe, I turn to Puma, who is now keeping his hands over his eyes like closing his lids is not enough. "I'm decent, so now, say all the things you wanted to say about how I'm a bitch and I should die. Or have you come up with something new? That I'm a whore who should move to the streets to sell myself?"

Puma takes off his cap and carefully opens his eyes, not trusting that I actually covered myself. He slicks his blond hair back before placing the cap back on his head, front to back. "Listen, sis… I'm sorry."

I lean my ass on the sink, folding my arms across my chest. "About what?"

"That I was hard on you. I didn't know… that you have feelings for Tiger. I just thought that you were fucking around." He looks at the floor and shifts on his feet. My blood has run cold, and I feel the alarm ticking in my spine.

Puma knows. He fucking knows.

I move before I realize it myself. One second later and I'm pointing my gun at Puma, which was on the counter. Rage flares inside me like a bonfire. "What did you do to him?"

Puma's eyes are wide as he stares at the gun and then me. The gun. Me. "Christ, Cobra… I didn't do anything. Put the gun down."

His hands are up, and I see from his eyes that he reads me right. I'm not fucking around, I will put a bullet in him if he's done something to Tiger. I don't care that Puma is my actual brother because Tiger is above everyone else.

"What do you know?" I snap between gritted teeth. "Where is he?"

"Calm down, sis." His emerald green eyes are glued to mine, trying to convince me not to shoot him. "Please, trust me. Tiger is in his apartment, and perfectly fine. Not mentally but physically. I know that you two are… in love."

I don't put the gun down. "Does anyone else know?"

"No, I swear, and I'm not going to tell anyone." Puma takes a deep breath, scrubbing his face. "I figured this out myself, and he admitted it this morning when I… you know when I called you a bitch, and he hit me."

"If you even think about hurting him or mentioning this to anyone, I will kill you. I'm not kidding, you're a dead man if this gets out, from you."

"You really do love him," he states, tilting his head to the side.

"More than anything or anyone else, so don't think I wouldn't do everything to keep him safe. Are we clear?"

Puma nods and cracks me a smile, but it won't reach his eyes. "Yeah, we're clear. Please stop pointing the gun at me. I just want to talk."

I lower it to my side and glare at him. "Then talk."

He huffs out a breath. "As I said, I'm sorry. I should've known that you're not like that. You've always been the kindest one out of all of us, and I don't know what made me believe that something would ever change that."

Puma is wrong. I'm not kind. I am a monster who destroys the lives of others, especially the ones that I love.

"Cobra…" He steps closer, eyes filled with agony. "If there was something I could do to help you two, I would do it. Anything. You and Tiger have always been my people, and I hate to see you hurting."

Somehow his words don't surprise me. I mean it does since he isn't going crazy and killing us for how wrong Tiger and I being together would be, but there's always been a compassionate side to Puma. He hates to love, but he also hates to hate love.

"There isn’t anything anyone can do. Dad can't know."

He nods, looking at the floor again. "He won't. You two can't happen, and I need you to move on." Puma lifts his head up and meets my eyes. "I'm with him, I'll make sure he won't flip, but you… I know you're strong enough to get yourself out of this. Move on."

I stare at him, eyes wide. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"Everyone is suspecting something, and if Bear finds out… he will tell Dad just for shits and giggles. If I could figure you two out when I was higher than an airplane, they can too." Puma steps closer and plants his hand on my shoulder. "You need to draw attention somewhere else."

"How the hell am I going to do that?"

"I don't know. Fuck someone on the front lawn or something, how the hell should I know? Just do something that shows there is nothing between you and Tiger," he whispers as if someone could hear us. We are in my bathroom so that’s a negative.

I stare at him in silence for a while. He has a point, but I'm so fucking tired. I’m in pain. Misery is filling every cell in me.

"It hurts," I breathe out, tears rolling down my cheeks, and Puma wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his broad chest.

"I know it does. Love is murder, sis."