Antidote by LC Lehesaho

26

I poke the French fries on my plate, sure that I will puke if I put one into my mouth. On our way to the arcade, I let Luke be in charge of the conversation, and I could tell he tried to make me feel better. I don't know why. It's not his problem or fault that I feel like shit, but he still kept trying. While we were playing air hockey, he still tried.

I smiled, laughed, and even made a fucking lame joke, but the entire time my chest felt like there was a truck parked on top of it.

"Cobra," Luke says from the other side of the table, where we've been sitting ten minutes in silence after we got our food. Which he insisted on us having, apparently, I wasn't much company at the games. I lift my eyes from the untouched plate to him, a giant lump in my throat.

He wipes his face and places his elbows on the table, leaning closer. His baby blue eyes drill into me. "You can tell me what's wrong. I'm an excellent listener."

I shrug, dropping my gaze to the plate again. "Nothing's wrong."

"You've been faking the whole night that you’ve been having fun. I know I'm good company, and I don't mean to be cocky, but it's a fact. So, if you're still fake smiling after spending an hour with me, something is really wrong," he says firmly, and he's right. There is not a hint of cockiness in him.

"I can't talk about it." I dodge his attempts to make me spill my dirty secrets.

"Can't or don't want to?"

He's good. I pinch my nose with a sigh. "Don't want to."

"I promise it will help," he cajoles, sliding his hand over the table and placing it over mine. It's warm, soothing, and I just want to cry.

I look around, feeling the stinging behind my eyes. My throat aches, the lump is just getting bigger and bigger. There are so many happy people around us, others on dates, and others with their friends. So normal. So easy.

"I shouldn't be here," I whisper, not looking at him. "With you. It's not right for you."

And it's not right for Tiger.

"Why?" His thumb makes a circular motion on my hand, soothing me.

I try to swallow the lump down, but it won't budge. "I have feelings for someone else."

The motions stop for a split second at my words, but he continues. With his other hand, Luke swipes his blond hair back. "Has it got something to do with the distraction you needed when you agreed to the first date with me?"

All I can do is nod. I'm so fucking ashamed for using Luke like this, I can't even look at him.

"Why don't you date him?"

I wish I could. "I can't. We can't..." I let out a long exhale, trying to find the right words. "It's complicated, in more ways than one."

"Open your mouth," Luke states, and I lift my gaze to him. He is handing a piece of his pizza to me, but I don't feel like eating, so I shake my head. "C'mon, Cobra. Open your mouth, please."

With a sigh, I do as he asks. Luke places the tiny piece in my mouth, his fingers lightly brushing my lips as he smiles at me supportively. "Now, let me tell you something. I'm not expecting anything from you. No sex, no nothing. No expectations whatsoever. Here is the question." He is still circling his thumb over my hand. "Will you let me be your distraction, so you don't drown in your thoughts? You look like you could use a friend."

I swallow the pizza down just in time because my mouth falls open at his words. "What? You want to hang out with me even though I'm fucking terrible company?"

Luke gives me a genuine smile. "Yes, I want to hang out with you. Did you know that broken hearts won't heal themselves? I know, personal experience."

"Fuck." I lean back on my seat, feeling the tears now rolling down my cheeks. "I can't... why are you so nice to me?"

He hands me a napkin. "Because I recognize the same pain in you that I felt myself once. Falling in love is easy, surviving the mess it can make is anything but."

It was easy. He is absolutely right. Falling in love with Tiger was as natural as breathing. Trying to reject him is like walking through Hell.

And I don't fucking want to reject him anymore.

I wipe my face dry, trying to push the sobs down I can feel coming up, and all this time, Luke smoothes my hand with his thumb. There is no hint of seductiveness in the motion; he just wants to make me feel better. I can see it in his eyes, he is genuine, and from that, I know he has gone through heartbreak himself.

"I'm not a good person, Luke. I don't deserve your kindness," I murmur to him, eyes on the napkin.

"Cobra, everyone deserves someone who believes in them, and I believe that you can get through this." His calm voice soothes my insides. "Trust me, you can, and you're not going to be miserable for the rest of your life."

"You don't even know me."

"Yes, you keep saying that, but it doesn't matter. I know you enough to know that you're a good student with excellent grades, and you like your coffee black. You also have a steady hand and you’re a killer shot."

If only he really knew... I let my gaze wander in the restaurant, anxiousness lingering inside me.

"And you're also stunningly beautiful." He adds to the end, and when I turn my eyes to him, he smirks. "I saw a Baby Yoda in the prizes, so if you're not going to eat, let's go. You have to win it for me 'cause my aim sucks ass."

A snort escapes from me when I laugh out loud. "Baby Yoda?"

Luke winks, his way too bright eyes shining when he finally got a real laugh out of me. "Yup, I want it. Lucky needs a friend too."

I smile, not from ear to ear, but it's still a smile and not a fake one. "Yeah, let's go get him a friend. And I can help you with your aim."

"I'm a lost cause, don't even bother. My dad once tried to teach me how to shoot with an air gun, and I managed to hit the neighbors Porsche." He gets up and gives me his hand. "It was in the opposite direction from the target."

I let him pull me up, and he keeps my hand in his. I don't say anything, nor take my hand away. There's something... nice about holding hands with someone in public. So easy.

There is no way in fucking hell that I'm going to do anything else with him. Because now, after having a taste of what it could be like... I know that there's no one I want to experience this with other than Tiger. Going out. Cuddling in public. All the little things that mean the world to me.

I need to find a way, to figure this thing out between Tiger and me.

I don't want anyone else but him, and if it makes him happy, I can promise him that I'm not going to date or fuck anyone else. Not that I'd do it anyway but clearly saying things out loud is important to him. But the fact is that I'm not going to fuck him either, not before finding a loophole, so we're able to be together.

Not hiding, because that only causes more trouble.

But I'm going to find a way.

Baby Yoda is actually the cutest little shit in the world.

I stare at it in my hands for a while and then I turn to Luke, who I know is watching me from the driver's seat. His car smells like bubblegum, that's where the sweet scent on him comes from—the Wunder-Baum tree hanging from his rearview mirror.

Luke's baby blue eyes are glued to me, and when he wets his lips with his tongue, it catches my attention. I’m surprised that I don’t even want to kiss him. We're not like that, even though we've fucked once.

All I want is to run inside and tell Tiger that nothing happened. And ask the thing. After spending the evening with Luke, which was fun after we had that talk about my problems because I could breathe easier knowing that he doesn't expect me to be up to any... That he doesn't think I'm going to do anything like that with him again.

I meet Luke's gaze. "I had fun, thanks."

"I did too." He clears his throat, taking a look out of his car's front window. Lights are on around our terrace, giving a romantic atmosphere to our home, even though it's far from romantic when you walk in. "I know, I said that I had no expectations whatsoever, but would you consider going out again?" His eyes meet mine after he finishes, and I can see that he really wants me to say yes. It's all over his face.

"I... I don't know. Maybe?" I say, hesitating. I don't want to give him any hope, but... he's been kind to me even though I'm as fucked-up as I am. But to be honest, I don't want to do this again. I don't want to make this a regular thing because I want him. Still, I can't make myself say a straight no to Luke.

"Don't stress about it." He lets out a breath like he'd been holding it. "We'll go by your terms. If it's not this week, the next one is fine too. If it's a week after that, it's cool too. I have time."

Oh, my God. He is so sweet, but it makes me feel even worse. I nod. "Yeah, I'll call you, okay?"

Luke smiles. "Like I said, no stress, no rush."

"You're an amazing guy, Luke," I say and hand him the Baby Yoda. "Take good care of him."

"I will." He leans closer, and I'm absolutely sure he will kiss me, but just when he is inches from my face, I hear the door opening. He smirks at me. "You thought I was going to kiss you."

I feel the flush on my cheeks. "No, I didn't."

Luke chuckles. "Liar. Go on, see you tomorrow at the uni."

"I don't have a class tomorrow," I admit to him. "But I'll call you. Bye, Luke." I push myself out of the car and hear him saying byes to me. I don't look back when I close the door. I can't. Now when I'm home, all I can think about is Tiger.

Still, I force myself to wave at Luke while I'm going in because he still hasn't left. What a fucking gentleman he is. When I wave my hand and help myself in, I hear his car moving.

Pietro comes from the shared kitchen, a sandwich in his hand, and a sparkling water bottle in another. He's wearing all black like our guards always do, and his guns are resting in their holsters under his armpits because at his waist, he has two long knives. We train together every now and then, and I know he knows how to use them. Pietro is around twenty-five, and he's been working for Dad for years. I'm not sure if he was even eighteen when he hired him. Maybe less, but Dad always has reasons for what he does, so there was probably something wrong in Pietro's background and that’s why he hired him.

"Hey, kid," he greets me with a sunny smile. He always smiles, and when he doesn't, you know something is seriously wrong. "Did you have fun?"

I shrug. "Yeah, kinda. I won Baby Yoda this time."

"Like taking candy from a child, right?" Pietro takes a bite from his sandwich and stops in front of me, his green eyes scanning me. "Your face is healing nicely."

"It wasn't as bad as it looked."

"Sure it was," he confirms.

"Whatever. Have you seen Tiger?"

He shakes his head. "No, they haven't come back yet. Leo gave him and Puma a job with Havoc."

"Oh, okay." I hide the disappointment from my face. "Well, I better go to bed. Have a nice night, big guy."

Pietro is really gigantic, no joke. Probably the biggest guard in the mansion, but on the other hand, he is the nicest. Very down-to-earth kind of guy. He puts his palm on top of my head and tousles my hair. "Sleep well, kid."

He goes to take his place beside the door, and I jog upstairs, feeling surprisingly easy. There is no overwhelming guilt for having fun, probably because of the talk I had last time with Tiger. When I told him why I wrecked my face. He took it well, and I didn't even kiss Luke this time, so this was actually... just fun. Like going out with a friend.

I've never had an actual friend besides my siblings and Tiger, who is also basically my brother.

I wash the makeup off and watch the clock from my phone every third minute. Next, I braid my hair, stalling. Why can't he just come back already? After shaving, plucking my brows, and sorting my underwear drawer, I give up and go to bed. Still, I take a book and force myself to read The Hobbit, even though I'm tired as hell.

I just want to see him.

I wake up with a book on my chest, head spinning. For some reason, I feel the anxiousness lingering inside me, but I can't understand why. I was in a good mood when I went to bed, I'm sure. I glance at the clock on my nightstand, and the bright numbers tell me that I've been sleeping only an hour.

Then I hear it.

A thud. Another. I squint my eyes, trying to wrap my sleepy head around it. It goes on and on, like—

A loud moan. "Oh my god, yes! Don't stop, Tiger, yes—"

I jump up from the bed like I've been electrocuted, eyes wide from shock. He wouldn't... oh my God. The moaning goes on and on, the pounding against the wall hard enough to echo in my bedroom.

My stomach flips, and I slap my hand to my mouth, running to the bathroom. Just in time, I manage to crouch beside the toilet when my stomach's insides come out. I can still hear it, echoing in my head on repeat.

Tiger is having sex with someone.

He fucking did it.

The tears roll uncontrollably over my cheeks, and the weight on my chest spreads all over my body, making it hard to breathe. Between barfing and sobbing, I realize that this was it. Tiger promised to hurt me in ways no one else can, and he just did.

No one else could make me feel like this. My heart is ripped to pieces, stuffed into a grinder, and the ache in my body, in my soul, is terrifying.

How could he?

I thought I was the monster, but the truth is that he is one too. This is not him trying to protect me like I've been trying to do to him. Protect him. No. He is not protecting me. This is Tiger destroying me.

The pain sparks up another feeling, and I feel the heat on my neck. If he wants to feel pain, I'll give him pain. I'm a master of it after all.

I crawl on all fours back to the bedroom, the moaning and pounding still going strong, making me even more furious. And heartbroken. It fucking hurts. I grab my phone from the nightstand and type the text.

I'm going to make him feel what I'm feeling.

Memento vivere, love.