Too Hexy For Her Hat by Susan Hayes
9
Chad stoodon the main deck of their villa and watched the sunlight dance across the turquoise waves. Luna was enjoying one last massage before this trip ended, giving him time alone to think about everything.
Fact one. He’d used every spell he knew and a few he’d invented on the spot to hide their location from his father. The entire resort might be warded against that kind of magic, but he wasn’t taking any chances.
Fact two. The moment they went home, Frank would know it. By now he’d have new spies in place, ready to report the moment they spotted their quarry. Last time, his father had used Beaker to narrow the search, but he hadn’t been able to pinpoint Luna’s exact location. He hadn’t known where to find her until Chad and his minions tracked her down and let Frank know exactly where she was. This time, he already had that information.
Fact three. He hadn’t been this happy since before his mother had left. He’d do everything possible to keep feeling this way.
Luna was the best thing to ever happen to him. He’d visited all sorts of places that claimed to be paradise. They’d all been beautiful, but none of them brought him the sense of wonder and peace spending time with Luna had.
Her laughter was a balm to his shadow-soaked soul, and her delight in a world he took for granted let him see everything from a new perspective. As difficult as her life had been, she hadn’t given in to the darkness she carried. It was there, but she balanced it against the sunnier part of her nature.
He hadn’t learned how to do that, so he kept Shade as a separate persona. His mother had tried to teach him balance, but he’d been too young to understand. Once she was gone, only his father was left to guide him, and Frank had already been well down the path toward the blackest of magics by then. It was the real reason why the man had adopted the cloak and hood. They let him hide the damage dark magic had done to his body.
Chad hadn’t seen his father’s face in more than a decade. The last time he had, it had given him nightmares for months.
“I’m way too pretty to wind up like him.”
Hissy popped her head out of his pocket. “You’re not bad, for a multi-limbed human who doesn’t understand the glory of slithering through life. I assume you’re thinking about Frank and his ooey-gooey melty-mush face of horror?”
Hissy had been with him that day. She’d hidden under a rock and stayed there for the better part of a week afterward. “I was.”
“You know what I’m going to say next.”
He glanced down at his familiar with a smile. “Something about making better choices leading to better outcomes followed by a reminder that I am not Frank and I’m free to live any way I choose.”
“It’s nice to know you paid attention all these years. Your mother wanted more for you.” Hissy sighed.
“Then she should have stuck around to help me get it. Hell, why didn’t she take me with her? I can understand her leaving him, but…” He trailed off without finishing the sentence.
“She couldn’t. I mean. Obviously she couldn’t because she loved you and wouldn’t have left you behind if she had a choice.” Hissy flicked out her tongue twice and then ducked out of sight again.
“I wish I believed that.”
Hissy’s response was a barely audible sigh. “Me too.”
He stared out at the water for another minute and then tapped his pocket and held his hand out in front of it. “Get out here. I need a sounding board, and you’re the only one I trust.”
“Finally. I thought you were going to brood for another hour at least.” Hissy slithered onto his upturned palm and then settled herself in a comfortable coil.
Comfortable for a snake… or a cat. Anything else would require trips to the chiropractor or the hospital.
“Not helpful, Hissy. I thought familiars were supposed to be devoted and supportive.”
“Sssarcasm is one of my many talents.” She stared up at him. “What’s going on inside that big, round head of yours?”
“I’m almost out of time. Luna believes that now she knows there’s a threat, she’ll be ready for anyone who tries to hurt her. I don’t want to take that chance.”
“Luna doesn’t know who she’s up against.” Hissy said and then flicked out her tongue. “You do.”
“If I tell her, she’ll hate me.”
Hissy rolled her eyes. “You’ve been whammied by Cupid himself. That’s an unbreakable bond.”
“That doesn’t mean she won’t hate me. It just means she’ll love and hate me at the same time. Does that sound like the foundation for a good relationship to you?”
“Honestly? It sounds pretty normal… for a two-legged type bonding. You’re all so complicated. Snakes—”
He cut her off. “If the next words out of your mouth have to do with mating balls or the pleasures of a snake orgy, you’re going swimming,” he warned.
“Fine. So, you’re worried if you tell Luna the truth it will ruin any chance you have of being happy. Correct?”
“Yes.”
“And how happy will you be if you don’t tell her, and she winds up moving on to the Next Adventure without you?”
That was his biggest fear. Without Luna, he’d never be happy. Not like he was now. “If she dies, I’ll lose all hope of a happily ever after.”
Hissy was silent for several long seconds. He got the feeling she was waiting for him to say something. But what?
Finally she sighed and uncoiled to flop over on his hand like she’d fainted. “I’ve failed you. This shouldn’t be a difficult choice.”
“You haven’t failed me. You’re the only one I’ve been able to trust all these years.”
The snake lifted her head to peer at him. “I blame him. You’ve been under Frank’s influence too long. It’s more than time you struck out on your own.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!”
“Stop trying.”
“What kind of advice is that?” he demanded.
“The kind you should take. You don’t have time to try anymore. You’re up to bat, three goals down, and the quarterback wants you to catch the pass. This is your moment.”
It took several seconds to sort through all the mismatched cliches to find Hissy’s point. “First off, you are now banned from making sport analogies. Secondly. Fuck. I think you’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
“I’m going to have to tell her.”
“You are.”
“But she doesn’t know what’s really going on.” He hadn’t realized that at first, but over the last few days it had become clear that while Luna had the full use of her very impressive magic, she wasn’t fully aware of what Fate had in store for her or Wyrding Way. As far as she was concerned, her friends had forgotten about her this long so they could carry on the fight without her.
If they did. They’d die.
Whatever dark bargains Frank had made—he’d make sure the powers promised to him for would peak in time for his next assault on Luna’s hometown. The Father of Shadows was coming for Wyrding Way, and it would take more than a couple of witches to stop him.
Beak Badda-Boom appeared in the sky and swooped down to land on the railing nearby. “I am really going to miss that buffet.”
Hissy snickered. “It’s for the best. One more plate of fried Mars bars, and you’d be too heavy to get off the ground.”
“Says the snake who ate so many of them she couldn’t bend by the time I carried her home.”
Chad ignored their bickering. “If you’re here, Luna must be on her way back.”
“Of course,” Beaker huffed and fluffed his feathers. “I wouldn’t leave her alone. She’s just outside, talking to one of the staff sprites about off-season rates.” Beaker chortled. “She wants to come back here. Which means you did well, warlock.”
A compliment from Beaker? That was new.
“I will always strive to give Luna the best of everything.”
Beaker cocked his head and gave him a gimlet-eyed stare. “See that you do.”
“Implied threat noted and filed with the stack of others you’ve already tossed my way. I’m going to join Luna. The two of you play nicely or I will turn you both into balloon animals.”
“Threat noted and filed,” Beaker replied.
He took a moment to set Hissy down on the sun-warmed deck and then went back inside.
He was only halfway to the front door when it opened and Luna walked in. She wore a black one-piece bathing suit beneath a red and gold sarong that wrapped around her curves like a jealous lover.
Before he could tell her how delicious she looked or inquire about her massage, the tranquil villa exploded with noise, glitter, and streamers.
Eye-searing shades of neon pink, lime green, and atomic orange filled his vision as the opening notes of Europe’s “The Final Countdown” blasted from a wall of tower speakers that hadn’t been there a second ago.
“What the fuck?” he yelled over the noise.
Luna stood in the center of the storm, surrounded by so much glitter it looked like a tornado had torn through every craft store in existence. Whatever the hell was going on, it was clear from her expression she wasn’t the source.
His little lunatic was livid.
“No. No. No! This is not happening. Forget it, Baba-Haggitha!”
Baba… shit. Was she yelling at Baba Yaga? The Baba Yaga, highest ranking witch in the world? Why would she do that? And what the hell was all this about?
Eventually the music faded, and the speakers folded themselves into impossibly tiny squares that soon popped out of existence. A metric tonne of glitter covered the floor, piling up in drifts around a box now sitting at Luna’s feet.
The air reeked of Polo cologne and Aqua-net hairspray. Both of them were draped in streamers, and every time he moved more glitter slid under his clothes and worked its way into places not even sand was brave enough to venture.
“Whaffft.” Chad stopped to spit out more glitter. “What was that?”
“Someone’s cheating. This crap isn’t supposed to happen until my birthday.” Luna raised her voice and shook her head at the ceiling. “Which isn’t for two more weeks!”
Beaker and Hissy braved the post-glitter-storm wreckage. “It’s starting?” Beaker asked.
“Looks that way.” Luna summoned her magic and chanted.
“By all that is tacky, wacky, and bright,
Get all of this eighties crap out of my sight!”
All the doors and windows opened at once. An ocean breeze swept through the villa, taking everything with it but the box at Luna’s feet and a few stray bits of glitter that stubbornly hung in the air.
Chad had a good idea what was going on, but he couldn’t admit it. Not yet. First, he needed to calm Luna down. Then he’d find a way to tell her the truth. Preferably in such a way that she didn’t blast him to Venus or turn him into a sea turtle with a stone shell.
“What do you need from me?” he asked.
“Oh, nicely done,” Hissy whispered, and even Beaker looked impressed.
Luna smiled at him. It was a sweet, sad little smile, but the doubt in her eyes made his heart ache. “How did I get so lucky? All I need right now is a hug. Maybe a few kisses. No, definitely some kisses. Then I should explain what’s going on. You deserve to know.”
He had her in his arms in seconds, wrapping her up in a hug that even a grizzly bear would approve of. “Whatever’s going on, we’ll deal with it. You and me. Together.”
“I’ll bet you a chocolate pizza you’re going to regret saying that once you know what’s happening.”
“I won’t.”
She took a deep breath and held on tightly. “I hate Fate because my parents supposedly died protecting her stupid power source and now I’m apparently destined to go back and take my place with the next generation of guardians. I don’t want to. Fuck Fate. Fuck Destiny, too. I’m going to make my own decisions.”
He kissed the top of her head. “Okay.”
She pushed back enough to look up at him. Her brow was scrunched and her mouth twisted. “That’s it?”
This was it. He had to tell her. “I uh… might have known about some of that already.”
Lightning crackled inside the villa and tiny thunderheads gathered in the corners of the room. “You what?”
Shit.
