No Chance by Lisa Suzanne

CHAPTER 44: BRETT

“You really just let her go?”

Tyler’s voice is quiet as he asks the question that’s probably on everyone’s mind except Tommy’s.

They all stare at me as I walk back in and slide into my chair. Tyler, Danielle, Karl, Dustin, Amanda, Tommy, Jo, Trevor, Miranda, Clay...even Luna and Maya are here staring at me.

This is my team. My Capital Kingsmen family. The people who want the same continued success I want.

And yet...the way they stare at me, even the two little girls, feels like everyone has turned against me.

“Can we just get back to it?” I demand, and they all stare at me a beat longer than necessary when Karl picks it up from there.

I’m grateful that he does...even though I have no clue what the fuck he says.

Instead, the feel of her forehead against my lips is stamped into my brain. I can’t focus on anything anybody is saying, so instead I focus on the hollow ache in my chest. I need to numb it. I need to fill it. I need her back.

But I let her go.

Karl says a lot of things, but I just stare blankly down at the table in front of me. Other people say things, too, but I don’t know what they are and I don’t have the capacity to care.

If there’s something I really need to know, Tommy will fill me in later. We’ve got a few weeks off before we’ll head back to the studio, so my plan is to numb myself in whatever way I can in that short window of time before it’s back to work.

And I guess that starts today.

I duck out of the meeting as soon as Karl says, “That’s it. Great tour, guys. Let’s do it again in a few months.”

Everyone except me laughs at that.

I can’t muster a laugh when I’m trying everything in my power not to feel anything.

Because if I allow myself to feel, I’m not going to like the results.

I’ve been home the last few nights, and the place feels empty. It is empty. Maybe I need a dog or something.

I moved out of Tyler’s place not so long ago when he asked his girl and kid to move in, and I rented for a while until I found a house I liked. The one I bought is a little further out from the rest of the guys, but it sits on the hill across from the beach in Pacific Palisades and it’s just my style. Ass-ugly on the outside, small compared to Tyler’s and Tommy’s places at just under two thousand square feet, simple with just two bedrooms, but the place offers some incredible views.

Once I’m home, I sit on my balcony and smoke a joint. It doesn’t have the usual calming effects.

Instead, I wonder if she’s on the plane. I wonder if Chance is sitting still or if he’s acting up. I wonder if he’s sleeping or crying. I wonder if he misses me or forgot about me already. I wonder the same thing about her, too.

Tyler’s words come back to me. You really just let her go?

Did I have any other choice? I could stay and let them down in the long run, or I could cut ties early before they got too invested. Before I got too invested.

I did us all a favor.

Except I did get too invested.

My chest aches as I think about the two of them going back to that shitty apartment. My stomach’s in knots as I think about her moving on with her life.

This will fade...right? These feelings that I’m having now will go away eventually. Life will get back to normal.

A knock sounds at my door, and for the briefest split second, I think maybe it’s her. I take one more long drag before I head to the door to answer it.

It’s not her.

Instead, I’m faced with the ugly mug of Tommy Stevenson.

“Why the fuck did you buy all the way out here? With traffic it took me almost an hour to get here.” He’s complaining already and he hasn’t even stepped foot inside yet.

“That’s why you don’t drive here during rush hour, dumbass,” I say. I open the door to allow him in. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to take you out. Troll for some Palisades puss and get your head back on right.”

“Just so you know, the majority of Palisades puss are married and have kids.”

He waggles his eyebrows. “Married just means a bigger challenge and kids means they put out, am I right?”

“You’re disgusting.” I head back through my house and out to the patio with Tommy trailing behind me. I set my feet back on the railing where they were moments ago and pick my joint back up. I take another drag before passing it over. I’m nothing if not a humanitarian.

“Did she really change you that much?” he asks after a long drag of his own.

I glance over at him. “What do you mean?”

He sighs and passes the joint back to me. “You don’t want to go looking for women. You suddenly think I’m disgusting when it’s the same shit we’ve always joked about. There’s only one variable at play, man.”

I shrug. “I just need a minute to move past it all, you know? It’s not every day you find out you’re a father and you get to know him and then you send the kid on a plane back home.”

“So it’s the kid, then?” he presses.

I take another drag. “Nah, man. It’s the girl.” It’s both.

He sets his feet on the railing beside mine. “That’s what I suspected. What we all suspected. And you think you’ll just...get over it in a minute?”

“Time will tell, I guess.”

“You don’t want to try it out?” he asks.

I let out a mirthless chuckle. “Weren’t you the one pressing me not to try it twelve seconds ago?”

He lifts a shoulder, conceding. “Yeah. That was me. But that was before I saw you like this.”

I look over at him and narrow my eyes. “What did Tyler say to you?”

He stares straight ahead over the water, and he’s silent a long time before he finally admits the truth. “It wasn’t Tyler. It was Danielle.”

I raise a brow.

He blows out a breath. “Look, man. Here’s the truth. Everyone’s mad at me because they think I said something to you that pushed you away from her.”

“That’s a hell of a lot of ego for you to think you have that sort of power,” I say.

He chuckles. “I know I have some influence, and I also know I use that to my advantage. I don’t want you to be unhappy just because I want different things than you do. If you think you’re meant to be with her, then you should be with her. If you’re letting her and the kid go because of something I said...then forget whatever I said. Do what will make you happy.”

“What about the two of them?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” He pulls his legs down and sits up a little straighter.

“I just mean...you know. The stuff I heard growing up, that I’m never good enough. And I’m not, not for them anyway. I don’t know how to be a good husband or father. I didn’t grow up with a good example of those things.” I pause, and then I add, “Not that I want to be her husband, but you know what I mean.”

Do I?

Could I really commit to someone for the rest of my life?

Doubtful.

But we got to know each other pretty damn well. That tends to happen when you’re sharing three hundred square feet for longer than forty-eight hours.

He nods. “Yeah, I feel you. I did grow up with those things and still manage to find myself feeling that same way,” he admits. “But don’t you think this is just you running away because that’s your pattern? You’re ducking out before you even give it a shot because you’re scared. You created your own problems that didn’t even exist with her to give you a reason to escape what you could have with the two of them. Have you ever stopped to think the opposite? What if you are a good father? What if you are a good husband?”

“If I’m those things, then I’m not the friend you want,” I point out.

He presses his lips together and nods. “Running even from this conversation,” he mutters.

“Fuck that, Tommy. You know it’s true.”

He shakes his head with a little bit of disgust, and I’m not sure whether that disgust is directed at me or at himself. Maybe both. “I’m sorry I’ve made you think that,” he says. “It’s not true. The friend I want is the one that smiles once in a while and jokes around and plays the shit out of his drums because that’s where his heart lies. If your heart is broken because you sent the girl and that kid on a plane to Phoenix, then you won’t be able to do any of that shit.”

I press my lips together and stare out at the water.

I don’t believe it’s really his influence that landed me here. It’s my own stubborn traits and background and beliefs about myself.

And I don’t know whether he’s right, but he’s given me a lot to think about.